Back, again

Hi! I think I will try to be back and fully engaged with this blog again. I think I need to. Case in point, this entry I posted on my LiveJournal the other day. This stuff is really bothering me lately.

Ugh, I hate thinking this about myself and my body, but: Yuck.

I just had a look at the photos my friend Tyler took at my exhibition opening, which included several full-body shots of me... which is great... but I just look at those photos and realize what an extreme disconnect I have with the reality of my body. I totally don't picture myself the way that I actually appear. It's funny (or maybe not), but when I was in my teens and 20s, I had the opposite problem: I thought I was way bigger than I actually was. Now I have it in my head that I look quite a lot smaller than I actually am.

Am I ever going to get it right? It's such a strange thing. I mean, I know that I am obese, but I have it in my head that I don't like other fat people. Whatever THAT means -- also very problematic. I mean, what is that about?

I hate feeling this way about how I look and what my body is. It's the very thing that I have worked so hard to dispel within myself, and actually it seems to have gotten worse.

Just as a point of reference, I haven't been eating very healthfully for the past few months and have gained back some of the weight I had lost. I've been feeling very devil-may-care about it, too, though I am looking forward to starting up walking and running again soon.

This is so frustrating. I have so many mixed feelings about it all.

***

I mean it when I say that I want, nay, NEED to start getting out and running again. It always made me feel so good about myself -- even when I had a "bad" run. Maybe just doing that and not really even worrying about the eating for now will be a good first step.

How has everyone been doing? I need to catch up on other blogs... it's been over a month now since I disconnected from this part of my life, and I want back in.