Frustration.

(The post in which I bitch about a lot of vanity-type stuff.)

I don't know what else I have to do to drop some pounds here.

Look, I know that I have been saying that weight loss is merely one reason that I am doing what I am doing, and not even the most important reason. And it's true. But I have big plans stemming from that expected weight loss – clothes wearing, traveling, feeling less pain, more able-bodied, etc. – and I just want to get going.

I mentioned that I finally lost another pound or so last time and was really happy about it, only to weigh in today and see that I am still stuck at 366. I'm down from about 372 at my highest before I started back on this over a month ago, which is great, but argh! I have so much to lose and I usually lose much faster in the early stages of my attempts. I'm getting really pissy about this.

But, I can't give up. As I said, this is not just about losing weight. This is about my overall health. Blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol levels, joint and bone health, etc. etc. etc. et cetera! And it truly is, which is good because to tell the honest truth I just might be discouraged enough to say f&% it right now. On the other hand, I am truly loath to go back to my old ways. Fast food, on the whole, is gross. Overeating makes me feel awful. Eating foods that are good for me makes me feel good in more ways than one. Incorporating exercise into my weekly routine makes me feel powerful and capable. So these are things I don't really want to give up... I guess what it is is that it's not as easy or what I am accustomed to, making an effort. It's definitely becoming more and more of a default, and with the financial impetus of Pact I especially don't want to crap out on myself. (Boy! Has that ever been something to keep me on track to my commitments.)

As a refresher, here is what I have been doing:

• Tracking my food and water intake every day (I'm on day 27 doing this!)
• (Corollary to the above) Sticking to just under 2,000 calories a day, and the proportional nutrients
• Committing to eating a certain number of fruits and veggies every week (I'm at 21 now)
• Doing at least 30 minutes of physical activity three days a week (usually it's at least an hour each time)
• Trying to eat fewer and fewer processed foods, reading ingredient labels carefully and avoiding food with too long or too unnatural a list
• Taking seven vitamins every day
• Drinking at least 80 oz of water every day (usually I hit 96, sometimes more)

The number of calories I eat is automatically calculated by MyFitnessPal according to my age and weight and the desire to lose two pounds a week to start. I eat more when I exercise more. I have my food diary open to the public if you'd like to have a look and comment accordingly. I think I'm high on sodium, yeah. But could that cause so much trouble?

So anyway, all this effort and I can't help but feel like it's getting me nowhere, even though that is most probably not true. I'm likely doing myself a world of good, but for now it's not showing up on the scale.

In the meantime, I've been finally getting the hang of Pinterest and have created a board trying to figure out what my style is based on things I like. Yes! For those who have only known me in recent years and may be surprised to hear it – I love fashion. I've just felt really down about shopping and getting dressed, so I've been keeping it simple for a long time. I'm anxious to get back into that stuff again and have my outside reflect my inside. It's not that it's impossible to do as a plus-plus sized gal (see here, for just one example), but it's much harder and more expensive and I just get really discouraged about it, so I just don't bother so much.

Anyway, so that puts me in a place where I am drooling over wanting to dress to my style. And wanting to get the weight off so that I can more easily do that – I am talking about getting down to 300, you know what I am saying? Ugh. I can hardly stand it. I need to go look at at these ladies more often to start.

Dudes, even my feet! Even my feet. Shoes have been tough finds – lots of sneaker-type stuff – and my feet hurt a lot from supporting so much weight. I love ballet flats and they are doable, but they aren't always comfortable.

There is so much more to say, but I will stop here for now.

All I can do is keep doing what I have been doing. And I will. I have to.