Sometimes I Just Feel Like a Loser

WARNING: I am being really hard on myself and say some kind of harsh stuff in this post. I am just lashing out and technically I know I am not a loser, but sometimes venting in this way feels like the thing to do.

I am always honest when I write in this blog. I share all my feelings with you – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Today I'm feeling kind of dejected. Not kind of – no, I really just feel like a big, fat loser. Funny enough I actually mean fat in the figurative sense and not so much in the literal sense (though anyone looking at me would see that I am indeed fat).

Anyway. It's been a week, and we're only halfway through! I think the biggest challenge has not even been my own, but rather that my partner got hurt while we were playing tennis on Sunday, and it's been concerning, slightly stressful, and just throwing me off in general. I hate that he is suffering most of all. We both had goals for ourselves this week and the event has just thrown all that to the wayside.

We were playing some awesome tennis, actually! He was trying out his new racquet and I was finally feeling like I hit a stride with my serve. We were both playing pretty well (for us, especially me – I even won a set!) and having fun. Then, it happened: he made a valiant effort to get a ball that just out of reach and stretched a bit too far, causing him to lose balance and fall. At least, as we both joke, he was able to return it successfully! Still, though, while the damage didn't seem too bad at first (we played a few more points after that), it compounded by the time we got home and has gotten worse in some ways. He thinks maybe he bruised a rib, as his whole right side really hurts. I'll bet he also strained the muscle there. He was barely able to walk the next day, so I stayed home from work; he seemed better yesterday but still in a lot of pain, and same thing today.

As a result, for him, he's just eating and drinking whatever (bourbon helps the pain) and I am to an extent too, partially from worry. Our grand plan to drop five pounds this week seems to have gone out the window.

For me, the whole not-weighing-every-day thing failed grossly, too. I wanted to see what was going on the other day, and I actually gained two pounds, back up to 299. WAY to close to 300 for comfort, of course. Dangerously close. I tried a little harder yesterday to eat a little better, but I also stayed home instead of going to my gym appointment so he wouldn't be alone so much. The result was that I dropped back down a half pound, so good, but still... disappointing too.

Today I had a walk/run on my schedule for the morning, but because I had a couple drinks last night and didn't get to bed early enough (dumb excuse though), I didn't make it up in time to fit it in before work. I also had the intention of eating on-point, but I ended up doing Subway and not sticking to my no-cookie thing like I had planned, and ended up buying (and eating) three. I'm over my calories for the day already. (Could be worse, but still. LOSER.) After work tonight I have a meeting for my new side gig (I am Media Manager for a new, local lit publisher – part time, yo, I still have my full-time job!) and it involves free pizza, and pizza is life, so...

And maybe I am wearing leggings and stretchy clothes too much, but at least I have some nice, comfortable clothes to wear. Maybe it was a mistake to get all those comfy LuLaRoe pieces at this point? One cannot live on leggings alone. I'll wear pants tomorrow. My boss is coming in from NYC to visit for the day, anyway.

And why the heck am I bailing on my exercise schedule this week so hard? I WANT to make progress. Not doing the work = not making progress.

I have a theory on this. last week I exercised every. Single. Day. Strength training, walk/running, PT, tennis... I gotta tell you, by the time Monday hit, I was pretty tired and really happy for a rest day. And now it's Wednesday and I've done diddly-squat and it feels like shit but I still don't really want to do anything because I am tired and lazy, and, and... I'm in the "tired of fighting the fight" mode right now.

Oh wait! But maybe it is just PMS. I always forget this when I am feeling dire. I should be getting it this weekend, so that makes sense. So maybe just forget everything I've said here?

Either way, I've got to get past this and I have to keep my focus. I want to lift heavy weight and I want to run long distances. But I won't be able to do those things if I don't keep doing the work.