Dangerously Close

Hello hello! It's been WAY too long since my last post. I admit it, I've thought about writing here probably every day since then, but I just couldn't do it for some reason. Things have been good, things have been... not really bad, but maybe interesting?

I think it started last week when my eating took a bad turn for some reason. I'll chalk it up to PMS, I guess – after all, it is that time of the month on my charts where I seem to show an upswing in my weight every single month since February. I guess I am not too worried about it because it does seem to be a trend that then goes way back down again at the beginning of the next month, but it's the way I've been feeling about food that bothers me more than anything. I've been indulging all sorts of cravings and not being as careful about portions. I've gone back to junky lunches again, mostly. That weird Subway thing that happens to me every once in a while – you know, when I get obsessed with the meatball parm sub and those godawful (delicious!) cookies, and I have to get three of them? Yeah. I've also had McDonald's joneses again, too. So yeah. The only thing really saving me at all is that we've been playing tennis a LOT. Like five or six hours a week a lot. It's good! My game has really improved a lot, and so when we play things are more rigorous and constant. Lots of sweat! At least I have had that.

But then, I didn't get on the scale for two days, which always spells trouble for me. I know it probably sounds ridonkulous to some of you, but daily weighing is my jam and keeps me on track. If I am not weighing daily, it's because I can't face the number I know will probably happen because I've been eating poorly. To do that two days in a row, well, you know I'm having a hard time. This morning I told myself to cut it out, and while there is some damage, I am still just under 290. What a shame, though! Just ten days ago I was at 282 and change! Argh!

The good news is that I think I am reigning things in little by little, and hope to be back down again pretty quickly. Downhill on my Happy Scale chart is imminent!

June (top) compared to May (bottom) – wild, right? The July Dip is coming!

Random thoughts:

• I'm 47 and I'm wearing a little swing dress that comes above my knees to work, with bare legs even! (Hint: I wear a tennis skirt underneath that has built-in shorts!) That's not untoward or anything, right? I'm over the whole what women should or should not wear thing.

• I've become just about truly obsessed with my face – skincare, I mean! Since we've been spending a lot of time in the sun lately, I feel like my skin has aged like 10 years in just a few weeks. I do try to wear sunscreen most of the time, but all it takes is once or twice in glaring sun... Up until now I've been very lucky about wrinkles and texture and stuff, and now, it is all falling apart. I'm upping my moisturizer game, my sunscreen game, my cleansing game, etc. etc. What are your favorite products? I'm in the market for a good SPF moisturizer right now and would like to try something new. (I was using Acure and Supergoop.)

• Tennis. Can we talk? Last night was truly game-changing for me. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm getting to the point where my body is just doing things automatically without having to think too much about it. I had a couple really great groundstrokes that happened – I wasn't sure I'd be able to get to them in time, but did and successfully and powerfully! It's such a rush. My serve is much better, too, though still really slow. 

On Saturday we had the great pleasure of having my trainer, Rick, join us on the court after his morning stint at the gym! It was really fun. C. got to play with someone a little more skilled, and he kept us out there a little longer that we might have otherwise because he's in that much better shape than us even though he never does cardio! Ha! It was nice to spend time with him again now that we don't have appointments anymore, and I think he's going to make it a regular Saturday thing.

Complete Self-Care

Wow, it's almost been a week since my last post already?

A lot has happened since then. Last weekend was a bit challenging, and my state of mind hasn't been the best for whatever reason. Some of it is internal to be sure, some of it external – I've been very stressed out and worried a lot, and it's been hard to stay focused at work, etc. At home my moods were getting out of hand and making it difficult for my partner to relate to me (and/or vice-versa).

Since earlier in the year, I've been taking a generic version of Wellbutrin. When I saw my doctor back then, it was for a regular checkup but I was in a bad spot – my weight was continuing to climb and I was very emotional. He felt that the Wellbutrin could help me with both things, so I tried it.

It seemed to improve things quite a bit for a while, but things have felt different in the past month or so. My partner suggested seeing the doc again and after last weekend's self-imposed strife, I called for an appointment on Monday. Wouldn't you know, he was able to see me first thing on Tuesday (I am imagining that he was concerned).

Long story short, he added on a generic Lexapro (I'm using the retail names even though I am on generics, because the retail names are MUCH easier to remember!) to work with the Wellbutrin to try to affect some of my other neurotransmitters in a positive way. One of my biggest concerns lately has been that I've felt so much ambivalence for many things that matter to me, and my motivation is straight out the window the same way. Hopefully the Lexapro will help with that.

On top of that, he also referred me to a therapist, and my first appointment is in early July. I haven't had talk therapy in almost 20 years and I'm kind of looking forward to it. It will be nice to be able to sort some things out in my head and try to make better sense of my history and where my feelings now.

I started taking the Lexapro Tuesday evening. It makes me feel a little funny sometimes so far, whereas I had zero anything with the Wellbutrin. Yesterday I was low-grade nauseated all day (though not enough to turn me off to eating!), and sometimes I feel like I'm having what I can only describe as like micro-spasms in my limbs, and a weird feeling in my mouth when I yawn. It's so bizarre! (I remember back in my 20s when I was taking Paxil, I used to feel like there was electricity running through me, so I guess it is something similar happening now.) It's not too bad, though, and I want to see how this will help me and so I will give it time.

I did notice this morning that I had no trouble getting out of bed (early even!), and when I got to work, instead dilly-dallying a bit, I got straight to work! Maybe it's coincidence or mind over matter, or maybe it is the drugs. Either way, I am feeling hopeful.

On another note (brain stuff in a slightly different way), I started Leo Babauta's 44 Training Program a couple days ago, and I am excited about it! I just love Leo and all he has to offer.

Also, happy that my weight is back down to 284 and change, after being up a few pounds during the past week.

It's so important to be wholistic when you're talking about self-care. It can mean so many things, right? But for me, I'm realizing that it needs to mean ALL the things: being active, developing a skin care regimen, making sure to have fun, fueling my body in a good way most of the time, and last but not least, taking care of my mental/emotional health and getting help when I need it.

47 Feels Good!

Happy 47th birthday to me!

I wanted to make a point to get some sort of good exercise in today, as a tradition carried on from last year when I started my day with a couple mile run. Today it took a while to get out, but I had it my head to go on a hike.

We ended up going out later in the afternoon, and not only did we go on a hike wee hike (about 30 minutes), we started the excursion with a wee bit of tennis, which I wasn't planning on. I was pretty tired, to be honest – we've been very active this past week, which is great of course, but... you know, tiring, right?

Hanging out at a nearby park, on our cross-country hike.

I love this pond – so peaceful!

So pretty! Getting out in nature raises the spirits.

So, anyway, I am happy to have gotten this far in life, and I feel good about where I am in many ways, not least of all my fitness level and my weight loss progress. It's been a relatively slow go the past few months, but it's been pretty consistent. This morning I weighed in at 283 even, my lowest this year. Very happy with that! My next loose goal is to be below 275 by mid-July, when I'll see my dad next for a visit. I think that is pretty doable.

Truth be told, my day started out pretty poorly. For the all the excitement I had building up to the day and thinking of the things I wanted to do with it, I woke up and felt kind of down and the feeling built up throughout the morning. It was hard to break out of, and I was driving my poor partner a little crazy with it. It wasn't until we went out that things improved and I'm glad to have gotten through the day having a nice time in the end. I still really don't know what was up with me, but I'm a little concerned it might be the anti-depressant I've been taking, so I'll probably be following up with my doctor soon to see if we can re-evaluate a course of action...

Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with my mom and "playing" in the garden, which will be really fun. I need to do the same in my own, but that will have to be for another day. (I have lots to do!)

Yeah. Today was a challenge, but I came through on the other side with the help of someone who loves me – the best present ever. Now, I'm off to make my birthday cake, minus the candied orange peel, though I would love to make those one day, too!

Yum yum yum!

Sometimes, No Rhyme or Reason

Another reason why I am glad I weigh every day: I know how weird the body can be.

Yesterday, I hit my lowest weight this year at 284.6 – pretty thrilled to be under 285 indeed! We had played an hour and half's worth of tennis and I ate had a good eating day the day before.

I also ate well yesterday overall, hit my calorie goal.

This morning? Up two pounds.

Up two for no reason whatsoever, except that sometimes the body does what the body does.

It's OK... I just thought I would share. I think it's important information for anyone trying to lose weight to know.

I wore stripes today anyway!

Ahhh... this shirt fits comfortably again! Hooray!

Nothing If Not Consistent

As I often do, I was looking back at last year's posts around the same time. I found the two photos on the left, posted side by side comparing how I looked in early June 2015 and 2016 – about the same, really. So, I decided to take this year's photo for comparison! The result? Pretty similar, I'd say, which isn't the worst thing.

Observations:

• I like my green cat eye glasses the best

• It's nice to wear patterns

• My hair looks best falling below my shoulders

• It's really nice to have my own office with real sunlight and stuff

June! (l to r) 2015, 2016, 2017. (You can click to enlarge if you want to.)

According to my Happy Scale data, in early June 2015, I weighed right around 280. In 2016, 285. In 2017? Yep, you got it! 285.

Hopefully, this time next year will a different result heading in the downward direction, numbers-wise. Time to make it happen!

OH! And... I'm a "Best Blog"!

I've had a busy weekend so I neglected to mention that snazzy badge the blog now sports. Well, healthline.com finally notified me officially of my status of one of the best weight loss blogs of 2017 and directed me to download the cool bling. So now it is official!

It's extra exciting for me, being in some of the company I am on the list – a few of my long-time favorites including Cranky Fitness, Runs for Cookies, Diary of an Aspiring Loser Maintainer, and Roni Noone! (All can be found on my reading list in the sidebar, by the way, check them out!)

This is really such a great honor. Thanks to all of your who have been reading – it means the world to me.

Happy June!

Ah, June. It means several things to me:

• Mid-way through the year

• My birthday! (the 9th)

• Summer (usually)

Every new month also represents the proverbial "fresh start", same as the new year, same as the new week. June is lovely.

After some big ups (back to 294, sheesh!), my weight is back down solidly to 285-even today, very pleased! The Happy Scale charts remain in the green. Overall I seem to have gotten down a good eating routine – I eat what I want, but I have been carefully logging calories so that I stay within a good range and hopefully keep losing. I'm feeling really good about where I'm going, at least for now. I know these things can be fleeting, and I will appreciate it while I'm here in that place.

Birthday plans: I'm taking off on Thursday from work, and we have a summer Friday off as well – four day weekend, here I come! This year I absolutely must have a chocolate cake, and I have been researching recipes to make my own. Originally I had it in mind to make a pure chocolate chocolate cake, but then got the idea for a chocolate orange cake – I love chocolate orange anything, so it seemed silly that I'd never considered this before. So that's that, and I think on the day of my birthday we're going to return to a place we just tried out last Friday called Freddy J.'s – a tiny little place run by Freddy (of course), with a small menu that includes things like southern fried chicken, BBQ, collard greens, grits, and ... red velvet waffles. I got them last time, and oh my. Just as you'd think. I'm sorry, but I am being that person and sharing a photo.

fried chicken breast and those waffles. 

So yeah. I'm getting that on my birthday.

We also may do some really good steaks on the grill, too, over the weekend. It's that time of year, assuming it doesn't rain, of course! (Sadly, it is in the forecast.)

Finally... it is my desire to finally get under 285. I'm just about there, but I am taking nothing for granted – I know how fickle the scale can be. I think it can be done, though!