Long, Long, Long Overdue

HELLO!

My goodness.

Yes, I am still around. Lots of things have been happening, both good and bad. I am here at the blog just about every day, but it's been to keep up on my blog reading list (see sidebar). And every time, I look at the main section and see my posts in my peripheral vision (OK, maybe I went back and read some things, yeah) and feel like, oh boy, I really, really need to update here! If for no reason other than that it's really nice to look back a year or two later and see where I was at any given time. I know I'll be slightly peeved with myself one day and see how I let a couple months go by without writing anything here at all.

One thing I was really surprised by today, and so pleasantly!, was that I have readers – I mean, more readers than I thought. I was really touched by the comments that have been left on the last few posts in the last little while since I've been absent. Wow! Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, and I will be honest – it's making me feel like I really can get back on track and that blogging here really is a great tool. To know that I might be helping other people at the same time makes it that much better. I'm glad y'all haven't given up on me!

I want to be sure to be able to finish this and post it for real today, so I probably won't share everything that's been going on, but I'll do my best! Here are some highlights, things that come to mind immediately.

• I started using a great app called HabitBull, and have been trying to establish some good habits and eliminate some bad ones. I've been doing it since October 20th and it's been helping a lot in many ways. Of course, I'm having more success with some goals than others, but so far it helped me conquer my addiction to gummi bears, and to establish a solid meditation and reading habit.

• Our beloved cat, Nico, passed away in early November, and we adopted a new cat, who we named Sami, from the SPCA a week later. Normally we wouldn't rush in so quickly, but the void that she left when she died was practically unbearable. It was the first time that I have been without a cat to pet and snuggle EVER. I mean that literally. It was too painful. (We do have another cat, Henrietta, but she is pretty much feral and we can't get closer than a few feet away from her, so it's almost like having a little ghost around!). Nico (a girl) was a long-haired grey cat, and Sami (a boy) is, too! We loved Nico's coloring so much, and we love long-haired cats, so it was lucky we found him. They seem kind of rare at the shelter! Anyway, Sami has been a love, and while we do miss Nico SO MUCH, it has eased the pain a little bit to have him become part of the family. It'll be two weeks on Thanksgiving that we've had him, and he's adjusted fantastically!

• I am pretty sure I am experiencing a mid-life crisis. I'm trying to figure out how to live the life that I envision for myself and my family and I'm not sure my current job fits that; or maybe that I can make it fit that. But it's been hard, and I've been dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety, Nico's illness and death, and generally orneriness so I'm struggling with a few things and trying to keep my head on. There are things I want to pursue more, like illustration, coding, pattern/fabric design, writing... luckily these are all things that I can do while I am working full-time, but I want to make them take up more time and space in my life. I would love to be a full-time freelancer but the issue of health insurance really scares me, especially in this political climate. I am hoping to get things figured out around the new year and move forward in a positive way.

• Can I tell you how freaking awesome meditation is? If you don't believe me, try even just a short guided session –  5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute even! A friend recommended the app Insight Timer and it has changed my life, and it's free! I also do like Headspace and Calm and Stop Breathe Think, but to get their full range of resources you have to pay. Recently I did get a special offer from Headspace and so I'm using it for six months, so you can always look out for special deals. Anyway, however you meditate, please give it a try. It's made me a more calm, kind, not-as-reactionary person, which is pretty extraordinary.

• I've gained a lot more weight back since I last posted. I haven't weighed myself in about a week, but I was cresting 320 and I am not happy. Yet I haven't been able to get the switch back in the on position, so while I've been very aware of my situation and try my best (I actually hesitated to say "my best" because I'm not sure it really has been) to get out of it. I don't think that I will let myself get back to where I started almost five years ago, but then again I never thought that I would find myself back in this position, either.

I'd been doing the things that I was aiming to do the last time I posted. Let me refresh your memory, and mine:

• A cup of green tea and 24 oz. of water when I get to my desk at work
Most days, yes!

• If I want something to eat for breakfast, it's going to be oatmeal and/or fruit
Most days.

• Lunch will be fairly loose still. I will try to make better choices overall and aim to stay within my calories each day, eating most of them midday (1800–2000 to start)
Yup.

• At least one more 24 oz. of water before I leave the office
Almost always.

• Depending on how lunch went, either no dinner or a very light one (yes, really)
This is where I am falling short – eating too much later in the day, even if I already ate plenty during the day.

• If I do eat dinner, no snacks after that
Yeah, no so much these days.

So I do feel like what has been broken is not that hard to fix in theory. I need to decrease the amount of food I am eating, and increase the quality of the food I am eating. That is everyone's struggle, though, right? It's nothing new, and as many of us know it is not that easy all the time.

• Our tennis regime rather abruptly ended mid-late season because my arm was bothering me, and so our level of activity went from 60 to 0 in no time flat. That definitely hasn't helped my cause. I never replaced tennis with anything else. Lately I have been trying to establish a walking habit again, but so far it's been spotty at best. I know that becoming more active again is really important – not just for keeping my weight in check, but also for overall health (well, that is what they say anyway – changing eating habits for weight loss, and exercising for fitness). It's funny/not funny that my body has been so ridiculously achey since we stopped playing tennis. My arm still bothers me, which really sucks. The doctor said that I likely have tendonitis and wanted to X-ray me, but I haven't yet followed up on that. My knees really hurt going down stairs, for example, and I hate that, too. When I was active regularly, I had aches and pains of course, but nothing like this.

Anyway... I know this is a LOT of text and I'm being lazy and not including photos this time to break it up. So if you have read this far, wow! Thank you! I'm realizing how important it is for me to keep this up and stay connected and just chronicle this whole thing, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will be back again really soon.

I promise both to you and to myself.