Today my tummy says to me,
"Why are you doing this me?"
It says, "I thought you weren't going to do this to me anymore. I don't feel well."
It's a scary time for me. The last time I had experienced the death of a close family member, I was well into a nice weight loss and running routine. In 2008, my stepfather passed away, and in the days and weeks after that I could never quite get myself back to where I was. And I stopped running, and my old habits returned. It was grossly disappointing.
Now with the death of my uncle I am feeling strange and totally out of sorts. I am eating however the %$#& I want to eat and most of my routine has gone out the window the past week. I can feel that I could very easily head down the same road I did seven years ago.
Today sucked. I struggled at work this morning so that I ended up leaving midday, and I am taking off the morning tomorrow. I think about my uncle a lot, and the other important people I've lost in the past few years. I don't feel like myself. At times I feel fine – kind of – and then suddenly, I break down for no good reason. It's really hard to focus. Honestly, all I want to do is eat and drink. So today has been a relative free-for-all.
It feels like total shit.
This time, in contrast to 2008, I have some things going for me that I didn't have then: Most importantly, a massive support system. I've got friends and family on Facebook who know all about my journey and cheer me on, but I also have a group of runners behind me. These are people I don't want to lose touch with and who inspire me to keep wanting to run. I have a "place" to go to to be with other runners and to run alongside. I was totally solo in the past, so it was easy to give up. I'm also planning to mentor the Learn to 5K group starting in October, so I have to keep going if only for that. In addition, I've been asked to mentor a weight loss group at the running store as well, and that begins September 12th and runs through December.
There's just really no option to give up, see? Even if I've gained 10 pounds in the past week (which I suspect I may have), I have to keep going. What's the alternative? Going back to how I was? I don't think so.
Stick with me. Give me some high fives. Now is a time when I really need some affirmation.