Thursday, December 3, 2015

Posting for Clarity

I'm posting a lot lately. It's because I'm doing a LOT of self-talk and working really hard to stay on track. Writing things out helps me a lot in that regard – emptying my head of my fears and insecurities, admitting imperfection, talking about mistakes and how I can learn from them...

And then there is also the benefit of sharing triumphs, or even just little victories.

Last night I realized that I have a hard time shifting gears if I had one thing planned but then something else happens. We were originally going to go to the movies and so I had theatre popcorn in my plan to eat for dinner. When plans shifted and we decided to go this weekend instead, I thought, no problem and just logged that I would have some dressed up black beans (basically just canned beans with garlic, a fresh hot pepper, some onion, spices, and some cheese) and that would be that.

So that is what I did... only once I started eating them I decided that I wanted some crunch, so I grabbed some tortilla chips to munch on as well. Fine, except... I didn't have room in the day's calories for them.

I ate them anyway. And then I really wanted something sweet, so I grabbed a couple of these small, sweet and salty cookies that came in my Treatsie box (super delicious!) on a whim and semi-secretly... also no room.

It didn't stop there. I also popped in a serving or so of some Rold Gold Tiny Twists pretzels. Not a big deal, but again... no room.

I just kind of lost it. I mean, it could have been worse, but it felt stupid to do. It felt stupid while I was doing it. I mean, what did I just write here yesterday about never wanting to see the 270s again? Here I was, totally tempting fate.

This morning when I woke up, I was feeling pretty down. Just a general gloomy feeling for no good reason. I had gone to bed pretty early and so I woke up naturally and early enough that I could, at the very least, fit in a walk or run at home before leaving for work. I laid there thinking how achey and tired I still am, and how I just want to take another break. I thought about how sick I am of making the effort every single day. (OK, maybe not every single day, but just about most weeks.)

I finally dragged myself out of bed with just enough time to put in a running mile, and that is what I did.  To be honest, it felt shitty almost the whole time. My mind and my body were totally on the same page – I don't wanna!!! You can't make me!!!, and I pulled out that mile like I was running through molasses.

But I pulled it out, didn't I?

I'm also happy to note that the scale was kind, and showed a .5 loss. Note, though, that I always log whole pound losses or gains, not increments; this morning's bad mood needed some sort of boost so I am at least mentally noting that little variant. I'm thisclose to 268. I'm happy with that for now.


I have really been enjoying getting dressed lately.

I can't remember a time when I ever felt that. Well, maybe in high school when I liked getting dressed up for a normal day in dresses, skirts, and pumps, fully accessorized and made-up. That was a long time ago! Recently I indulged in some new tops from Target and some great sale stuff from the Gap – I can wear XXL at both stores now – and I can see my style revealing itself once again. True to the title of this blog, several with stripes, and a fairly classic palette of navy, black, shades of grey, ochre... I like knits because I've got big arms and button-down shirts don't usually work well for me, no matter what size, so pullover tops with boat, v, and scoop necks, and as always, cardigans.

I've got several pairs of pants now that fit well and are enough for my current needs. Next on my list is more cardigans (this one at the Gap is my current favorite, and is a steal when it's on sale!) and shoes. I like ballet flats a lot, and I am on a quest to find comfortable ones that are also stylish and affordable. I also love sneakers of all kinds and need to replace my old Chuck Taylors. And loafers? Or oxfords? or Chelsea boots?

It's nice to feel like I can participate in fashion on some level again. What joy! And it's only going to get better.

When I was getting ready this morning, it felt good to look in the mirror. 


  1. You logged the food and moved on--it's done and over with--and then you got up and ran even when you realllyreally didn't want to! That's pretty rockin', in my book at least.

    Finding my style again has been one of my favorite things about losing weight so far... I realized that for so long, I just wore whatever fit. However, now I have actual options! Cheap ones, at that (because you know plus size clothes never seem to go on sale). Now the key is to be patient because there's no point in buying too much when I've still got another 50+ pounds to lose.

  2. Thank you thank you! It's been a hard week, but comments like yours help keep me going! :) Yep, I am really enjoying cheaper clothes and more options. I know what you mean about waiting, though, too! It's all exciting.