We had planned on Saturday after my training session that I'd grab some pizza and wings that would carry us, meal-wise, through the end of the weekend. A couple few slices of pizza, a few wings each day, pretty much. We've done this plenty of times without it being a big thing.
But I had also run to the store because I needed supplies to make a couple things for the housewarming party I was attending later. Wouldn't you know that our favorite new ice cream was on sale? No, I didn't have to buy it, but I did.
Fast forward to what I made for the party: a bacon-jalapeno cheeseball, corn flour crackers for my gluten-intolerant friend (she's the real deal), and something sweet. I was going to make truffles, but ended up taking a nap mid-afternoon and running out of time for all the chilling they require, so I made brownies instead. Well, those seemed to turn out funny, so I didn't even bring them to the party, but wouldn't you know that they actually tasted really good?
OK, so at the party I did pretty OK, eating-wise. I probably had a little too much, but I thought it was all right considering. I had one pour of Prosecco and drank water the rest of the time.
Wouldn't you know I ended up gaining almost 4 pounds when I weighed in yesterday? Ugh ugh ugh.
We had pizza and wings to finish and on top that there was ice cream in the freezer and those brownies on the counter. Basically, yesterday turned into a shitstorm and I ended the evening feeling really down on myself and really sad.
I did NOT weigh in this morning. I just couldn't do that to myself. But, once again, I am determined to lose some pounds this week even if it only means that I am back down to 298. Jesus, I am so sick of being a broken record and I wonder why on earth I keep sabotaging myself the way I do. Well, it's got to stop. No more of this "do good during the week and throw it all away on the weekend" crap. It's positively crazy-making.
Then this appeared in my email box this morning:
And it is a very good question. I guess I would have to define my fears first. Let's see...
• Being afraid of failing
Response: Well fine, but haven't I already had all kinds of little and not-so-little failures along the way? And if I do succeed and then fail again, I know what to do. This is silly.
• Being afraid that losing the weight I want to lose won't make my life any better
Response: But you won't know until you get there. And if it doesn't, that's OK because life is pretty good anyway. Again this is silly, because at the very least, I can shop for clothes in more places, I will be able to do more physical things more easily, and I will be healthier in general. It's kind of a no-brainer. Will it automatically make me more successful in my career? No. Big deal.
• Being afraid that maintaining my weight loss will be even more difficult than losing it in the first place
I already know the answer to this – I do know that it will be an ongoing struggle. I know that I must be diligent and keep a close eye at the numbers on scale. I know how easy it is to lose control again. But that's OK – all of it is work, so it may as well be good work. (Yes, it IS work being super obese, trust me. I don't want to do that again.)
• Being afraid that life will change in ways that I really can't imagine, even if it's positive
Response: Change is a fact of life. So far I have dealt with all kinds of change in my life and came out the other end just fine. This will be no different. Roll with it, baby.
That's good for a start.
Now that I have analyzed these fears, there is no need to hang onto them any longer. I hearby relinquish them to dust and nevermore.
Let's get on with it!
Plans for this week:
Monday
One hour training session at the gym
Tuesday
Run/walk a mile
Wednesday
Run with open running group at Fleet Feet
Thursday
Run/walk a mile
Friday
Walk on lunch break
Saturday
One hour training session at the gym
Sunday
5K race!
Bring lunches to work. Plan for small dinners at home. Stick to 1600 cals as much as possible, continue 16:8 IF. Drink lots of water.
whew! I can post again! I tried leaving you a comment Friday but blogger simply would not allow it :P
ReplyDeleteOK, so, I'm all into seeing the world through a kind of loving heart, and this means seeing OURSELVES with kindness, love and compassion also. In that vein, I personally want to move away from casually self-harming language like "I just sabotaged myself" - "sabotage" is really so active, and intentional, isn't it? But were you really being intentional about hurting yourself in some way? From your post it doesn't really sound like it, it just sounds like sliding into old, familiar or comfortable habits instead of embracing new ones, which may still be uncomfortable.
Or maybe not? Just a thought. Maybe you WERE actively feeling like hurting yourself - in which case that's something to be examined, itself, to try to put on brakes. For me, just saying, even consciously, "I'm just not doing X anymore" probably wouldn't be enough, by itself, to stop me doing X. Getting to and dealing with the motivations for doing X are needed, at least for me, as well as maybe also the circumstances that give rise to the urge, and then also dealing with embracing motivations/circumstances needed for doing Y instead.
Sorry if this is rambling. I just wanted to respond to what sounds like it may be unkindness to yourself, and encourage yourself to try kindness. It's easier said than done - which is what makes it a practice (at least for me, and some others I know). All best to you.
OOPS I meant "kind AND loving heart" not "kind OF loving heart" - though maybe the second option is the beginner version LOL
ReplyDeleteHi Wendy, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I guess I said "sabotage" because that's exactly what it felt like at the time, that I was actively taken action that would negate any progress that I had made before. I seem to be doing this to myself a lot lately. One day I'll be right as rain, and the next just not give a crap. One thing my partner and I agreed on was to just not have that kind of food in our house, period, at least for a while. If it's not there, can't eat it! And now I have to work on my lunch at work situation. Always a work in progress. xoxo
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