Catching Up, Kind Of

It's been over a month since I posted here, which hasn't happened in a long, long time. I really needed a break(?). I think? Make no mistake, I have been thinking about blogging about everything, but just haven't felt like whining more than I already had been. It's been a whine fest around here, believe me.

Let's see... I left off in late July. I was bitching about being back into the 290s again. Shortly after that, I fell back into the 280s for a while, and then... I got sick. It's really the only thing I can blame it on, this horrible month (eating- and weight-wise, that is, not my whole life), because generally I am not one of those people who loses her appetite when she gets sick. Just the opposite. Of course. 

That leaves me now finding myself over the 300 pound mark again. Gah.

The question I want to ask is, what the hell is wrong with me?

But probably a better question to ask would be, what the hell is RIGHT with me? So maybe I will start there. Or something like it. Things right are:

• Getting my shit together and pretty well enjoying my job

• Playing tennis (though not as much because of my dumb arm pain) and hiking with C.

• Lots of long summer weekends – I've got five days off starting tomorrow as a summer farewell

• Feeling comfortable in my clothes and my skin. I wear dresses and skirts almost all the time now!

• Liking my hair growing out and deciding that I will be an older lady who rocks long hair

• Red lipstick and cateye glasses

• Instagram

• Actually wanting to paint again

• Feeling pretty OK with the meds I'm taking for anxiety and depression

• Reading TONS

• Visiting kitties at the SPCA

Of course all the good stuff doesn't exactly negate the fact that I have gained like 20 pounds this past month. 20 pounds, can you believe that??? I've been thinking a lot about what I really want for myself and how I feel about the possibility of staying fat for the rest of my life.

I guess I just want to be careful about my degree of fatness, mainly out of physical comfort/ability with a little vanity sprinkled in, and the desire to shop at straight-sized stores. (Despite the vast array of offerings to plus-sized ladies, I just want to buy what I want to buy and not have to worry about going to a specialized store. Yes, this is a societal issue but I don't see it changing anytime soon.) I'm still aiming for size XL and 16-ish. I would really also like to see the size of my arms and belly shrink a bit – they are a source of discomfort for me.

As I have said many, many times before, I really want to be able to do anything I want to do – like running, hiking, playing tennis, whatever else. I want to be able to do a few more things in the bedroom that my bod prevents me from doing now (I know, TMI). I never, ever want to have trouble wiping my butt again. Ever.

But it scares me, because I also said that I never wanted to be above 300 pounds again, yet here I am. Never say never. I felt good in the 280s! I kept saying that I'd be fine even if I never lost more weight at that point. I'm really pretty angry with myself for letting this happen.

My eating has basically been, more or less, out of control.

I can also tell you all the good things I was doing for myself that I stopped doing around the same time it was obvious the weight was piling back on:

• A skin care regimen in the morning and at night

• Meditating

• Real, regular exercise – tennis once a week and a hike or two is not enough

• Eating mindfully and fueling my body rather than stuffing it with crap that shuts me down

• Keeping a nice house (I know, gross. Not sure what is up with that)

One positive step I am taking is participating in a virtual month-long marathon, which can be walked or run – so a little bit every day starting September 1!

I'm not sure what else I can deal with, but getting it typed out is helpful to see where I'm at anyway.

I have the courage to try again, even if I've failed over and over in the past.