It's 1am and I am up after a few hours' sleep and a bad dream, waking up covered in sweat.
Thoughts raced through my head about a school assignment that is due today (or tomorrow, however you want to look at it) that I didn't complete. That I didn't even start. That's for a class that is important to me – it's being guest taught by a former editor-in-chief of National Geographic and esteemed photojournalist, and obviously this is a person from whom I have a lot to learn from, and who has been so great so far. I can't even get my shit together for that. Also, I didn't get any financial aid this quarter and I think I have hit my limit, which means that I can't continue school anymore, probably not for a long while and that kind of makes me sad too.
I ended up talking to my partner, who was still up, and crying uncontrollably for a few minutes. I didn't feel good in any way. Not physically or mentally or emotionally. I'm so grateful for him in times like these. He suggested, "Menopause, right? Because this is not like you." And yes, oh yeah. I always forget that I am in it. Brain fog, loss of focus, pain all over my body. Feelings of hopelessness, etc. I looked it up: Menopause symptoms. What a joke! They still don't really shit about it. Here, check what the NIH has to say. Basically, they don't know. Maddening.
So here I am writing this instead of the paper I should be working on for tomorrow. It felt needed.
How are things going, you ask? (Maybe you ask. I could be wrong about that.) Things are... going. I have... an awareness. I haven't logged food every day but wager a guess that I am probably eating within my target zone in general. I haven't started walking or yoga yet. I have been weaning myself off of regular soda, though. Onto fruit juices/drinks, onto sparkling water. Onto plain old water, which I love but I also love soda so it's not super easy. I'm trying to decide if it's the fizz I love so much or the sugar. Probably both. Anyway, I need a break from soda regardless so it's not forever, it's not a big deal.
I think I will get on the scale once or twice a week. I'm down a couple pounds today and will look again on Thursday. Not even making a huge effort gets some results.
I don't know, man. I just want to stop feeling so bad all the time.