Things I've been loving to eat lately!
• Chobani yogurt (usually blackberry or mango on the bottom) with macerated frozen fruit (usually strawberries). I do two tsps of sugar on the strawberries, adds a nice sweetness without too much damage. This combo makes me almost feel like I am eating ice cream. Truth be told, I'm not sure that it is any better for me than regular ice cream – at least the Perry's brand I like to eat is generally not bad, calorie-wise, anyway – probably the same cals and sugar level. BUT eating a container of yogurt and fresh fruit doesn't trigger me into wanting more and more like eating a bowl of ice cream does, so there's that. I feel like I have hacked my way around the sweets thing, at least for now.
• Chocolate cereal with almond milk. My two faves are Chocolate Cheerios and Chocolate Chex. Again, sweet things I can eat without triggering the crazy. Not bad at all on the cals, either!
• Homemade nachos. While I can go a little crazy on these (like, I should make a pizza pan's worth instead of a big sheet pan's worth, duh), it is still pretty easy for me to fit this in for an easy dinner if I watch the quantity and what I put on top. My go-to combo has been: Santitas tortilla chips, a can of Goya pink beans mashed into refried-ness (I add spices and a tiny bit of honey), pickled jalapeno peppers, sliced black olives, pepper jack cheese, sour cream, and salsa. It is delicious and filling.
• Overnight oats. My favorite recipe is this one from the Minimalist Baker, though, to be fair, I haven't yet tried another one because I like it so much. It makes for a big breakfast, calorie-wise, so I have started to save this for once a week or so, but it is massively delicious and very filling. I love the consistency and coolness of overnight oats – much preferred over hot morning oats. Yum yum yum. Oh, and here are a bunch of great-sounding recipes to try, too! Looks like I'll be mixing it up in the coming months.
• Brown bag lunches. I am finally getting the hang of it again! I'm using my little soft-pac Igloo cooler lunch bag and have been making more and more fabulous sandwiches. I tend toward the simple, but using delicious, fresh ingredients, you don't have to be fancy. My latest jam uses Wegman's new 27-grains and seeds bread (genius! Comes in half loaves, too!) spread with a little bit of mayo and lots of dijon mustard, and slices of deli ham off the bone, swiss cheese, and fresh tomato from our garden. Oh, and salt and pepper. YUM. I've also been eating cucumbers (though today's is the last one, alas!) and some bell peppers from our garden. Harvest time is the best. I will miss all the freshness.
Of course another bonus about brown bagging it is the cost savings. I can easily spend $10 or more each day on getting lunch out during the week (three times, I was averaging!), which in retrospect seems crazytown when I can spend, say, less than $20 or so and feed myself lunches for the whole week!
Wegmans bread: $3.00
Swiss cheese: $3.50
Lunch meat: $6.50
Condiments: pennies, since I always have them in the house
Veggie/fruit sides: free from the garden, or max $5.00 a week from the store
Total: $18.00 per week!
Man. I thought I was already convinced, but I never did the math. I am totally sold on brown bag lunching now. Maybe I will try to limit myself to going out to lunch once every couple weeks or so, instead of every other day like I was doing there for a while.
So anyway. It's nice really nice to get into an eating groove because it takes the guesswork and stress out of figuring out what the heck I am going to eat all day. Since Monday especially, I have pretty much been set on the day's menu from the get go, and that makes things so much easier to manage – it frees my mind from food all the time. That is half my battle!
The scale hasn't shown any change – still at 295.8 since I last reported to you on Tuesday. I'm OK with that, though a little surprised since my eating has been pretty awesome, and I've been stepping up the exercise as well. But, I know these things take time and I am more than happy to be patient. I like how I've been feeling this week and I want to keep building on my good habits! The number on the scale is not the whole story, after all.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Keeping On Keeping On
I got up early this morning and ran 1.35 miles.
Hooray! I keep surprising myself in a good way this week.
Here's another: weigh-in put me at 295.8, so better than I thought. I was really worried that I was going to be over 300.
Today I wore the new Cynthia Rowley pants (size 20) I scored from Marshalls on Friday. I'm afraid that my "fashion" photos are the farthest thing from glamorous, but here I am.
Oh! It looks like I am floating around in that shirt. Maybe it is time to say goodbye, or reserve for casual home hanging out from now on...
I have been feeling so much better about myself these past couple days. I'm not sure what happened except that I finally realized that everything I want for myself is entirely in my reach and in my full control to make happen – I just have to do it. That little impromptu clothes shopping last week really did something to my brain, a smack in the head that I really needed.
Persistence pays off.
Hooray! I keep surprising myself in a good way this week.
Here's another: weigh-in put me at 295.8, so better than I thought. I was really worried that I was going to be over 300.
Today I wore the new Cynthia Rowley pants (size 20) I scored from Marshalls on Friday. I'm afraid that my "fashion" photos are the farthest thing from glamorous, but here I am.
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| I don't really look much different than in any other photo I've posted here, but there are my new pants! |
Oh! It looks like I am floating around in that shirt. Maybe it is time to say goodbye, or reserve for casual home hanging out from now on...
Here's a closeup of the pattern on the pants and my new fave shoes, which seemed to be an anomaly at Target – I only saw one pair, which happened to be my size! They're cool, but also comfortable and... cheap. The three's Cs!
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| I just love menswear-inspired stuff, especially shoes! Wing tips are my fave! |
I'm not sure what the plan is for the rest of the week. For now, I am riding the wave and trying to take it one day at a time, quite literally. I'll do my best to keep honoring my body and my mind, doing things for them that are beneficial and satisfying – like the feelings I get during and after a run, for example. Why would I stop doing that if it makes me feel so good?
Persistence pays off.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Not Giving Up, Still
Today started yet another new effort. I did well for most of last week, but a couple of those days resulted in gaining back whatever I had lost, which was a huge bummer. Over the weekend, it just about all went out the window if only in beer. I start this week having no idea where I stand on the scale, giving myself at least one good day before I subject myself to what I am sure will be bad news. But we'll see.
Yesterday wasn't so bad, really, but today I awakened with a new sense of purpose and motivation. I am so determined not to give up on myself. Part of it is for stupid reasons like all the gorgeous dresses I saw at Target and Marshalls on Friday when I went out shopping for a new outfit for my art opening that night. Especially the ones at Target, looking all kind of Boho-Victorianesque and they just really tugged at my heartstrings in an unexpected way. Of course, they're only in the straight sizes – as usual, the plus size section is a fucking ghetto. I hate it. I'm just so sick of not being able to buy the clothes I want.
Listen, I know part of that problem – most of that problem – is with the clothing companies and the stores dictating what fat women can and cannot wear. My body is not wrong, but the system is. I get that. I'm not aiming to make myself stick thin so I can wear a size 2. (Not that that would ever happen!) Hell, I really just want to lose enough weight more so that I can easily wear the largest "straight" sizes at most stores. Target carries XXL in its regular lines, and sometimes I can wear those things, but not always. I'm not so far away from it.
I ended up buying one of those dresses I saw, size XXL, because I WILL do it. I will wear it. I'm planning to go back and get a couple more, in fact. They REALLY got me in a way that clothing has not affected me in a long time. And I want to indulge in those feelings, and I want to wear those clothes, and I want to reflect who I am in what I wear.
That said, I did buy an awesome jersey dress at Marshalls, which fit perfectly and looked great, and was a size XL. Go figure. Argh!
Here I am at my opening with my young friend Matilda. Wearing my new dress. We're standing in front of one of my paintings.
Like I said, I had a good eating day today, and after work my partner and I went for a walk (getting back into our habit!), and after that I had him coach me on some crunches. I want to work on more strength training again, starting with my core. I did 12 good ones and a few junk practice ones. I've also ordered some dumbbells for both of us to use!
Yesterday wasn't so bad, really, but today I awakened with a new sense of purpose and motivation. I am so determined not to give up on myself. Part of it is for stupid reasons like all the gorgeous dresses I saw at Target and Marshalls on Friday when I went out shopping for a new outfit for my art opening that night. Especially the ones at Target, looking all kind of Boho-Victorianesque and they just really tugged at my heartstrings in an unexpected way. Of course, they're only in the straight sizes – as usual, the plus size section is a fucking ghetto. I hate it. I'm just so sick of not being able to buy the clothes I want.
Listen, I know part of that problem – most of that problem – is with the clothing companies and the stores dictating what fat women can and cannot wear. My body is not wrong, but the system is. I get that. I'm not aiming to make myself stick thin so I can wear a size 2. (Not that that would ever happen!) Hell, I really just want to lose enough weight more so that I can easily wear the largest "straight" sizes at most stores. Target carries XXL in its regular lines, and sometimes I can wear those things, but not always. I'm not so far away from it.
I ended up buying one of those dresses I saw, size XXL, because I WILL do it. I will wear it. I'm planning to go back and get a couple more, in fact. They REALLY got me in a way that clothing has not affected me in a long time. And I want to indulge in those feelings, and I want to wear those clothes, and I want to reflect who I am in what I wear.
That said, I did buy an awesome jersey dress at Marshalls, which fit perfectly and looked great, and was a size XL. Go figure. Argh!
Here I am at my opening with my young friend Matilda. Wearing my new dress. We're standing in front of one of my paintings.
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| Me and Matilda, age 8 |
Looking forward. I am in control of my destiny.
Monday, September 12, 2016
In It to Win It
Aw yeah, I had a good weekend. Logged consistently on MyFitnessPal (I'm radiosilents over there if you'd like to connect), ate pretty much within my limits, ate no sweets except for a spoonful of peanut butter after a meal or two. Then my partner pointed out that the PB is just an extension of my eating-sweets-after-meals habit, so I decided to stop doing that, too. It's getting easier and I am starting to feel the glimmer of all the good feelings I've experienced when I treat my body the way I should.
I started off the new week with a bang, too – another mile run/mile walk with Janice this morning. This time it was much easier, mainly due to the cooler weather, but I imagine also because my body is like, "Oh yeah! I remember this now."As Janice pointed out, I started swearing a little later on our route than I did on Friday, and my pace was about 20 seconds faster, too.
I made sure to pack a breakfast and lunch so that I'd have better control over what went into my face today. We'll have leftover spaghetti and meatballs from the "Sunday Sauce" for dinner. All my food is already logged for the day – that feels like a huge relief and a huge accomplishment, if you want to know the truth.
Finally, I've been weighing every day, again, just to keep very much on top of things. I'm back down to 295.8, so definitely headed in the right direction. I'm even starting to fantasize about where I could shoot for a couple landmarks. This Friday I have my art opening at Hallwalls and wouldn't it be great to be under 290 again? Yes, that's a lot to expect in four days, so let's just call it a stupid goal. I'm still putting it out there.
How about November? On the 5th I have a interim high school reunion (not an official one, but an informal gathering) and I'm thinking how nice it would be to get back to the 100 pounds lost mark again. Then there is Thanksgiving a few weeks beyond that. I'd like to be in the 260s again!
I suppose these are rather lofty goals that may or may not be reasonable. But, I'm putting them out there in the universe. I won't consider it a failure not to meet them, as long as the numbers keep going down. But honestly? Because these last twentysomething pounds came on kind of quickly, I do think that with good effort they can come off just as quickly – it's how my body works.
And look at me. I am already thinking about going for another run/walk tomorrow morning on my own at home! I'm looking forward to it!!!
I am proof positive that you can bounce back anytime. It is never too late. You can't ever give up!
I started off the new week with a bang, too – another mile run/mile walk with Janice this morning. This time it was much easier, mainly due to the cooler weather, but I imagine also because my body is like, "Oh yeah! I remember this now."As Janice pointed out, I started swearing a little later on our route than I did on Friday, and my pace was about 20 seconds faster, too.
I made sure to pack a breakfast and lunch so that I'd have better control over what went into my face today. We'll have leftover spaghetti and meatballs from the "Sunday Sauce" for dinner. All my food is already logged for the day – that feels like a huge relief and a huge accomplishment, if you want to know the truth.
Finally, I've been weighing every day, again, just to keep very much on top of things. I'm back down to 295.8, so definitely headed in the right direction. I'm even starting to fantasize about where I could shoot for a couple landmarks. This Friday I have my art opening at Hallwalls and wouldn't it be great to be under 290 again? Yes, that's a lot to expect in four days, so let's just call it a stupid goal. I'm still putting it out there.
How about November? On the 5th I have a interim high school reunion (not an official one, but an informal gathering) and I'm thinking how nice it would be to get back to the 100 pounds lost mark again. Then there is Thanksgiving a few weeks beyond that. I'd like to be in the 260s again!
I suppose these are rather lofty goals that may or may not be reasonable. But, I'm putting them out there in the universe. I won't consider it a failure not to meet them, as long as the numbers keep going down. But honestly? Because these last twentysomething pounds came on kind of quickly, I do think that with good effort they can come off just as quickly – it's how my body works.
And look at me. I am already thinking about going for another run/walk tomorrow morning on my own at home! I'm looking forward to it!!!
I am proof positive that you can bounce back anytime. It is never too late. You can't ever give up!
Friday, September 9, 2016
Renewal
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| Oh hai! |
I met up with my friend Janice for a run along the Niagara River at 7:30. As always, my goal is to run at least a mile. Today, it was all I could muster. The humidity was brutal! I just looked up the weather and it says that now (an hour or so later) it's 75 degrees and 77% humidity. Ouch! So that didn't help. That said, I made a good effort and also got a good mile walk in on the way back, so all told I had a pretty nice half hour+ workout to start my day!
How could I have forgotten how wonderful a way it is to start out the day? Silly me. The photo above is me in the bathroom at work after the run because I forgot to take a selfie at the park. See how glowing I am? Wonderful.
Yesterday I had a pretty OK eating day aside from the last candy bar I had on my person, and some leftover bargain frosting that I ended up tossing in the trash, finally. I still need to log my dinner, which was an impromptu but very lovely vegetarian pasta dish – leftover penne in butter, dressed up with sauteed swiss chard with garlic and some olive oil, a small tomato from our garden, and topped with a sprinkle of freshly grated parmesan. I had some delicious cheddar cheese, too – we have three kinds in our fridge right now!
I also did not eat dessert or snack later on, and I also did not have any alcohol.
This morning I decided to weigh myself, and it wasn't pretty. My heaviest in a long time, 298.8. SO close, TOO close to 300. Well, dudes, I am kicked into gear. I am going to make this happen again. I will lose weight. I'm not going to repeat the piece of history I have repeated way too many times. I will be my own exception to the rule.
My plan for today: free bagel with butter at the office for breakfast, probably free Subway for lunch (I have enough points so a roast beef sub, baked chips, no cookies), a reasonable dinner (we were talking about a simple chicken stir-fry).
Oh my god, I am SO NOT GIVING UP.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
I Think I Am Back
Hello.
It's been a while.
Last we met, I was struggling. I am still struggling, but... I am fighting NOT to reach the 300 pound mark again, and my clothes are not fitting so well anymore. I'm sick of worrying about getting back to where I was when I started at 372, so it is really time to get serious about this again. It's a must.
I've been really having trouble with sweets in particular, and to a lesser extent, drinking. It's easy enough to take drinking alcohol out of the equation, and I know that once I get a good day or two in of no sweets I should be OK. It's the getting there, and keeping it going that I need to really devote myself to right now. I'm at a turning point right now and I can go in one of two directions: forward or reverse. To move forward means to value and honor myself and my physical body enough to get back to the things I was doing before: being more judicious about eating, and getting enough exercise.
There have been a few conversations I've had in the past few days that have started to flick that switch a bit again – one with my partner about my addiction to sweets, and one with a good friend about healthy lifestyle in general and not backsliding any more than I have; I also responded to another blogger's recent post, someone who has been going through a similar situation and wants to get back to basics again.
It's about choices. I choose to feel comfortable in my skin and to feel like I can do anything physical that I want to. Gaining more weight will prevent me from doing that. (Also, I hate feeling so bloated.)
Another choice: NOT buying any new clothes in larger sizes than what I have now. I refuse. So, if I keep gaining weight, I won't have much to wear.
Honestly, these are the two main things that have really been bothering me lately. I hate the feeling of clothes not fitting well – and this is something that I have noticed especially since finding myself back in the 290s. So it really wouldn't take much to feel comfortable again.
Yesterday I had a fair day, eating-wise. I had the usual Wednesday bagel at work (free, yo!) for breakfast, and lunch out with the friend I mentioned earlier. Looking at the menu, my eyes immediately gravitated toward the burger section, but then as we were talking about choices, I settled on some fish tacos, which turned out to be delicious. Oh, and I had an IPA, too. But just one!
I did have a sweet transgression after lunch that I won't go into, but dinner was almost ready when I got home and we had some delicious kielbasa in sauerkraut with potatoes. I had a decent, but not excessive portion. After that, I didn't even think about sweets and I didn't drink. I just did the dishes, made some sandwiches for today's lunch, and watched some TV (the amazing HBO limited series The Night Of, and the US Open of course!), did a little work. It felt good, almost liberating.
Today when I woke up I decided that I wanted to continue the good feelings. I don't want to be prisoner to my cravings, which is what it has been feeling like. Helplessness. I started the day with a bowl of cereal (chocolate cheerios with almond milk, whatever!), will have sandwiches and homemade pickles for lunch, and something reasonable for dinner. I've returned to MyFitnessPal to log food again, probably for good. Even though I get resentful of having to do that all the time, the truth is it helps me stay accountable and aware and it is a necessary evil for me.
I didn't weigh myself today. The last time I weighed a few days ago, I was hanging right around 297. Not good at all, but not 300, either. I'm going to give myself a few good days on and then probably see where I'm at over the weekend. I just can't deal with those numbers right now. But, once I do weigh in again, I will probably go back to a daily weigh for a while just to keep myself in check.
Right now, my goal isn't necessarily a number (though if I had to give one, it would be 289 – anything below 290), but rather a feeling – a feeling that my clothes are comfy again. Getting dressed in the morning was actually becoming fun at some point, because I could grab anything and knew that it would fit and feel good to wear. That hasn't been the case lately, and it makes weekday mornings that much harder.
I want to go back to free and easy.
(Oh, and also: Drinking Traditional Medicinal's Everyday Detox with Dandelion, and making dates to run with friends. Two weeks ago I went running for the first time in a month, and was still able to run two miles at a 14:30-15 minute pace, about where I left off. Tomorrow morning I have a running date with my friend Janice. We've also been playing tennis a couple-few times a week still.)
It's been a while.
Last we met, I was struggling. I am still struggling, but... I am fighting NOT to reach the 300 pound mark again, and my clothes are not fitting so well anymore. I'm sick of worrying about getting back to where I was when I started at 372, so it is really time to get serious about this again. It's a must.
I've been really having trouble with sweets in particular, and to a lesser extent, drinking. It's easy enough to take drinking alcohol out of the equation, and I know that once I get a good day or two in of no sweets I should be OK. It's the getting there, and keeping it going that I need to really devote myself to right now. I'm at a turning point right now and I can go in one of two directions: forward or reverse. To move forward means to value and honor myself and my physical body enough to get back to the things I was doing before: being more judicious about eating, and getting enough exercise.
There have been a few conversations I've had in the past few days that have started to flick that switch a bit again – one with my partner about my addiction to sweets, and one with a good friend about healthy lifestyle in general and not backsliding any more than I have; I also responded to another blogger's recent post, someone who has been going through a similar situation and wants to get back to basics again.
It's about choices. I choose to feel comfortable in my skin and to feel like I can do anything physical that I want to. Gaining more weight will prevent me from doing that. (Also, I hate feeling so bloated.)
Another choice: NOT buying any new clothes in larger sizes than what I have now. I refuse. So, if I keep gaining weight, I won't have much to wear.
Honestly, these are the two main things that have really been bothering me lately. I hate the feeling of clothes not fitting well – and this is something that I have noticed especially since finding myself back in the 290s. So it really wouldn't take much to feel comfortable again.
Yesterday I had a fair day, eating-wise. I had the usual Wednesday bagel at work (free, yo!) for breakfast, and lunch out with the friend I mentioned earlier. Looking at the menu, my eyes immediately gravitated toward the burger section, but then as we were talking about choices, I settled on some fish tacos, which turned out to be delicious. Oh, and I had an IPA, too. But just one!
I did have a sweet transgression after lunch that I won't go into, but dinner was almost ready when I got home and we had some delicious kielbasa in sauerkraut with potatoes. I had a decent, but not excessive portion. After that, I didn't even think about sweets and I didn't drink. I just did the dishes, made some sandwiches for today's lunch, and watched some TV (the amazing HBO limited series The Night Of, and the US Open of course!), did a little work. It felt good, almost liberating.
Today when I woke up I decided that I wanted to continue the good feelings. I don't want to be prisoner to my cravings, which is what it has been feeling like. Helplessness. I started the day with a bowl of cereal (chocolate cheerios with almond milk, whatever!), will have sandwiches and homemade pickles for lunch, and something reasonable for dinner. I've returned to MyFitnessPal to log food again, probably for good. Even though I get resentful of having to do that all the time, the truth is it helps me stay accountable and aware and it is a necessary evil for me.
I didn't weigh myself today. The last time I weighed a few days ago, I was hanging right around 297. Not good at all, but not 300, either. I'm going to give myself a few good days on and then probably see where I'm at over the weekend. I just can't deal with those numbers right now. But, once I do weigh in again, I will probably go back to a daily weigh for a while just to keep myself in check.
Right now, my goal isn't necessarily a number (though if I had to give one, it would be 289 – anything below 290), but rather a feeling – a feeling that my clothes are comfy again. Getting dressed in the morning was actually becoming fun at some point, because I could grab anything and knew that it would fit and feel good to wear. That hasn't been the case lately, and it makes weekday mornings that much harder.
I want to go back to free and easy.
(Oh, and also: Drinking Traditional Medicinal's Everyday Detox with Dandelion, and making dates to run with friends. Two weeks ago I went running for the first time in a month, and was still able to run two miles at a 14:30-15 minute pace, about where I left off. Tomorrow morning I have a running date with my friend Janice. We've also been playing tennis a couple-few times a week still.)
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Not Hanging in There
I've been in a pretty bad place lately. As in, approaching 300 pounds bad place, and feeling like I can't put my foot on the brakes. It's terrifying. The reality is, I have all the power to be able to stop this; I have the power to put things in reverse. But I am having trouble accessing it. I don't know where it is.
This morning I had a nice chat with my co-worker Kristen, the one that I encouraged to get into running with the No Boundaries program and who is now kicking butt training for a half marathon this fall. She has been encouraging me to get back to running, and I am so happy that she is not giving up on me, because in many ways I think that when I stopped a few weeks ago (a month ago now?), is when things really started going downhill. I know that you can't out exercise poor eating, but I tell you what, running all along did help me maintain the weight I lost. Since I've stopped I've just been gaining and gaining and feeling depressed and more anxious than ever. Talking with her helped me really make that connection in a meaningful way. She reminded me of the endorphins. Oh gosh, I forgot about those. No wonder I've crashed and burned lately. I get psyched after a good bout of tennis, but it's nothing like the feeling I get post-run, even a short one.
I have to do something, anything. I think I can still run. I do sprints during tennis and I almost always run to retrieve errant balls that go all the way down court (happening less and less, but happens sometimes), and I do fine.
I hereby challenge myself to run a mile this weekend. Just once.
As for the food part? I have a good day eating like every third day. I don't think that today is one of those. I don't really want to talk about what I've been eating, because quite frankly, it is embarrassing. Suffice it to say, a lot of junk and some beer on top of that. I wouldn't deny that this might be a mild form of self-abuse, to be honest. It's hard to break out of.
Part of it is my terrible way of dealing with stress – food is definitely my go-to when it comes to "medicating". At the same time, it does make me feel like shit physically, and then in turn, emotionally... it's a vicious cycle. Of course I have broken that cycle many times before and I will again, I have no doubt. Right now, though, it feels like total and utter crap.
JUST RUN A MILE. Just prove that you still can.
Can we talk about tennis for a minute, though? That has been bringing me joy, little flickers. I'm still not a consistently good player, but I've noticed since we started playing again the past week that I can hustle a good hustle (better than ever before!) and my serve is improving. I'm more surprised when I don't hit the ball than when I do. Tennis is fun and challenging, and I like the gear – the racquets, the outfits, the shoes, the courts, the lifestyle, the pro circuit. I like it because sometimes you really have to hustle but then you take a breath. You get to sit down for a minute every few games. Then you hustle again. I like the word hustle.
It's just that I am starting to really feel the fat on my body again in a way that I haven't felt in a good long while. And I look at old photos of myself and know that I never want to look like that again. You would think that would be enough to stem the bleeding.
One thing I can do is keep it at the front of my mind and to keep writing about it here, however painful and tedious it is. You don't have to read it. You can look away. I'll never know.
One day I will be OK again.
This morning I had a nice chat with my co-worker Kristen, the one that I encouraged to get into running with the No Boundaries program and who is now kicking butt training for a half marathon this fall. She has been encouraging me to get back to running, and I am so happy that she is not giving up on me, because in many ways I think that when I stopped a few weeks ago (a month ago now?), is when things really started going downhill. I know that you can't out exercise poor eating, but I tell you what, running all along did help me maintain the weight I lost. Since I've stopped I've just been gaining and gaining and feeling depressed and more anxious than ever. Talking with her helped me really make that connection in a meaningful way. She reminded me of the endorphins. Oh gosh, I forgot about those. No wonder I've crashed and burned lately. I get psyched after a good bout of tennis, but it's nothing like the feeling I get post-run, even a short one.
I have to do something, anything. I think I can still run. I do sprints during tennis and I almost always run to retrieve errant balls that go all the way down court (happening less and less, but happens sometimes), and I do fine.
I hereby challenge myself to run a mile this weekend. Just once.
As for the food part? I have a good day eating like every third day. I don't think that today is one of those. I don't really want to talk about what I've been eating, because quite frankly, it is embarrassing. Suffice it to say, a lot of junk and some beer on top of that. I wouldn't deny that this might be a mild form of self-abuse, to be honest. It's hard to break out of.
Part of it is my terrible way of dealing with stress – food is definitely my go-to when it comes to "medicating". At the same time, it does make me feel like shit physically, and then in turn, emotionally... it's a vicious cycle. Of course I have broken that cycle many times before and I will again, I have no doubt. Right now, though, it feels like total and utter crap.
JUST RUN A MILE. Just prove that you still can.
Can we talk about tennis for a minute, though? That has been bringing me joy, little flickers. I'm still not a consistently good player, but I've noticed since we started playing again the past week that I can hustle a good hustle (better than ever before!) and my serve is improving. I'm more surprised when I don't hit the ball than when I do. Tennis is fun and challenging, and I like the gear – the racquets, the outfits, the shoes, the courts, the lifestyle, the pro circuit. I like it because sometimes you really have to hustle but then you take a breath. You get to sit down for a minute every few games. Then you hustle again. I like the word hustle.
It's just that I am starting to really feel the fat on my body again in a way that I haven't felt in a good long while. And I look at old photos of myself and know that I never want to look like that again. You would think that would be enough to stem the bleeding.
One thing I can do is keep it at the front of my mind and to keep writing about it here, however painful and tedious it is. You don't have to read it. You can look away. I'll never know.
One day I will be OK again.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Hanging In There, Kind Of
Well, I'm down a couple pounds so far this week without really trying, so that is good. I just can't seem to get a grip on my eating, and I've been too lazy for exercise.
Though – can we talk about exercise for sec in relation to weight loss?
I know what they always say, a couple things:
• You can't out-exercise bad eating habits
• You exercise for fitness and health benefits (and dare I say, fun?), but not to lose weight
Did you know that back in the old days of Weight Watchers, they actually prohibited their practitioners from exercising at all? They knew that exercise can increase your hunger, and create water retention (muscle repair!), and affect the results on the scale in a way that you might not like.
I bring this up because my partner, who has also been losing weight the past year or so, has found this out. He also discovered that not eating enough might have the opposite effect of what you would think. Last week, we didn't exercise much at all – hardly any tennis or walking, nothing. At the same time, he decided to up his eating some, which I thought was an excellent idea. He had been trying to limit himself to more or less one meal a day, and keeping a sharp eye on calorie intake, and wasn't getting the results he expected, poor guy. Well, this past week he ended up losing about five pounds and entering new weight territory!
Of course that doesn't mean that we're not going to exercise anymore, however we decided that keeping it to 3 or 4 times a week is fine. No more of the every day stuff, necessarily.
As for me, I'm hanging in there. I thought I had told my partner that I was into the 290s again after this past weekend, and when I told him that I was down to 291 this morning, he was surprised and was like, "Uhhh... weren't you into the 260s at one point?" And I was like, ".... yeahhhhh." I know. And he's right to point it out and be concerned. I am concerned, too. So yes, my focus is to get back into the 280s this week.
Uh-oh. Didn't I just say that about the 270s not too long ago? I did.
That's why it's so important to stay vigilant. At least for me, substantial gain can happen really, really quickly. And if I keep waving off five pound gains here and there, I'll soon be back to where I was at the very beginning of this whole thing. Just not an option.
Things I want:
• To start running again – I want to do the No Boundaries program (2.0) in the fall
• To be able to wear the gorgeous tennis clothes I have that are just a little too small for me
• To be able to wear more of the stuff I have in my wardrobe now, comfortably
• To be able to wear clothes sizes that begin with a 1 instead of a 2 (I'm right on the cusp)
In good news, I spent some quality time in my painting studio last night, and took this photo, which I really like. Sometimes the camera is your friend, and sometimes it is decidedly not, but here I feel like I get an idealized version of me with some dramatic lighting evening out my skin tone and nicely outlining the jawline that has been starting to become more apparent again since I've lost the weight. I desperately need a haircut! The new piece I am working on is on the big side – about five by four feet – and it's based on a line of a poem about Frida Kahlo by Marty McConnell: "Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge."
Though – can we talk about exercise for sec in relation to weight loss?
I know what they always say, a couple things:
• You can't out-exercise bad eating habits
• You exercise for fitness and health benefits (and dare I say, fun?), but not to lose weight
Did you know that back in the old days of Weight Watchers, they actually prohibited their practitioners from exercising at all? They knew that exercise can increase your hunger, and create water retention (muscle repair!), and affect the results on the scale in a way that you might not like.
I bring this up because my partner, who has also been losing weight the past year or so, has found this out. He also discovered that not eating enough might have the opposite effect of what you would think. Last week, we didn't exercise much at all – hardly any tennis or walking, nothing. At the same time, he decided to up his eating some, which I thought was an excellent idea. He had been trying to limit himself to more or less one meal a day, and keeping a sharp eye on calorie intake, and wasn't getting the results he expected, poor guy. Well, this past week he ended up losing about five pounds and entering new weight territory!
Of course that doesn't mean that we're not going to exercise anymore, however we decided that keeping it to 3 or 4 times a week is fine. No more of the every day stuff, necessarily.
As for me, I'm hanging in there. I thought I had told my partner that I was into the 290s again after this past weekend, and when I told him that I was down to 291 this morning, he was surprised and was like, "Uhhh... weren't you into the 260s at one point?" And I was like, ".... yeahhhhh." I know. And he's right to point it out and be concerned. I am concerned, too. So yes, my focus is to get back into the 280s this week.
Uh-oh. Didn't I just say that about the 270s not too long ago? I did.
That's why it's so important to stay vigilant. At least for me, substantial gain can happen really, really quickly. And if I keep waving off five pound gains here and there, I'll soon be back to where I was at the very beginning of this whole thing. Just not an option.
Things I want:
• To start running again – I want to do the No Boundaries program (2.0) in the fall
• To be able to wear the gorgeous tennis clothes I have that are just a little too small for me
• To be able to wear more of the stuff I have in my wardrobe now, comfortably
• To be able to wear clothes sizes that begin with a 1 instead of a 2 (I'm right on the cusp)
In good news, I spent some quality time in my painting studio last night, and took this photo, which I really like. Sometimes the camera is your friend, and sometimes it is decidedly not, but here I feel like I get an idealized version of me with some dramatic lighting evening out my skin tone and nicely outlining the jawline that has been starting to become more apparent again since I've lost the weight. I desperately need a haircut! The new piece I am working on is on the big side – about five by four feet – and it's based on a line of a poem about Frida Kahlo by Marty McConnell: "Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge."
 |
| Stupid girls in progress! |
Monday, August 8, 2016
Such a Struggle
OK, so I started August out with some ambition and (semi) high hopes.
A week later, I am struggling and I won't be ashamed or embarrassed to share with you.
As of this morning, I've gained about 7 pounds since July 29th.
Yikes! That puts me well into the 290s.
So, so sad.
Time to get back into the 280s again. I know I keep saying it, and maybe by now it doesn't seem like I mean it, but... I really cannot go back to the way I was. I just can't.
My clothes are still fitting, but honestly they are not as comfortable as they were not so long ago. This should be a big wake-up call for me. The reality is, the only way that I am going to buy any new clothes is if they are the same size or smaller than the ones I have now. I refuse to buy into a larger size. That means I have no choice but to snap back into reality and get back on track.
This past weekend so much damage was done mainly because it was my boyfriend's birthday and we totally indulged – lots of yummy food and beer, basically. Oh sure, we had an amazing hike on Friday and we played a good 45 minutes of tennis on Saturday, but as we all know, no amount of exercise can make up for gross overeating, plain and simple.
Hey, we had a really nice weekend and everything was savored, but that is just not how every day can be anymore – sure, it's what it used to be. But that is not the life I want for myself. All weekend I felt bloated, weighed down, tired, ugly (yes, ugly!) and just plain blah, and I know it's because of what I was putting into my body. I don't want to feel like this all the time.
So my week's goal is to get back down into the mid-280s again. The weight came on quickly, so too should it come off if I play my cards right.
On a positive note, here's me at Old Scarbuck Trail in East Concord, NY on Friday. It was a wonderful hike, even if it was about a mile longer than we thought. We both did very well considering, and we can't wait to go back!
A week later, I am struggling and I won't be ashamed or embarrassed to share with you.
As of this morning, I've gained about 7 pounds since July 29th.
Yikes! That puts me well into the 290s.
So, so sad.
Time to get back into the 280s again. I know I keep saying it, and maybe by now it doesn't seem like I mean it, but... I really cannot go back to the way I was. I just can't.
My clothes are still fitting, but honestly they are not as comfortable as they were not so long ago. This should be a big wake-up call for me. The reality is, the only way that I am going to buy any new clothes is if they are the same size or smaller than the ones I have now. I refuse to buy into a larger size. That means I have no choice but to snap back into reality and get back on track.
This past weekend so much damage was done mainly because it was my boyfriend's birthday and we totally indulged – lots of yummy food and beer, basically. Oh sure, we had an amazing hike on Friday and we played a good 45 minutes of tennis on Saturday, but as we all know, no amount of exercise can make up for gross overeating, plain and simple.
Hey, we had a really nice weekend and everything was savored, but that is just not how every day can be anymore – sure, it's what it used to be. But that is not the life I want for myself. All weekend I felt bloated, weighed down, tired, ugly (yes, ugly!) and just plain blah, and I know it's because of what I was putting into my body. I don't want to feel like this all the time.
So my week's goal is to get back down into the mid-280s again. The weight came on quickly, so too should it come off if I play my cards right.
On a positive note, here's me at Old Scarbuck Trail in East Concord, NY on Friday. It was a wonderful hike, even if it was about a mile longer than we thought. We both did very well considering, and we can't wait to go back!
 |
| The walking stick was a life-saver! |
 |
| (Compare to two years ago on the trail across the road, our first ever!) |
 |
| We had to wrangle ourselves down that little hill – it was tricky! |
Monday, August 1, 2016
July Recap/August Goals
Welcome August!
I like August. Summer is beginning to wrap up and while there is still time to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine, there is also the promise of the renewal that the fall season signals to me. Maybe that sounds weird, but I always think about the start of a new school year (even though I am no longer a student or a teacher!), the crisp air, the crunchy leaves... dare I say, sweater weather?
I assure you, I am not wishing away summer, but being the Gemini lady I am, I also like change every once in a while.
Anyway, that brings us to an end and a beginning. A chance to reflect and reset.
In July, I had aimed for 30 days of activity. At first it was 30 days of one mile of running. Then, I shifted the goal to include walking. Then, I shifted again to some meaningful activity every day. I made it to 21 days straight with some spottiness toward the end of the month, but looking at my MapMyRun calendar, I am pretty pleased with what I was able to do.
Now looking ahead to August, I'd like to keep a streak going. From the get-go, I'm declaring that every day must include at least one of the following:
I like August. Summer is beginning to wrap up and while there is still time to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine, there is also the promise of the renewal that the fall season signals to me. Maybe that sounds weird, but I always think about the start of a new school year (even though I am no longer a student or a teacher!), the crisp air, the crunchy leaves... dare I say, sweater weather?
I assure you, I am not wishing away summer, but being the Gemini lady I am, I also like change every once in a while.
Anyway, that brings us to an end and a beginning. A chance to reflect and reset.
In July, I had aimed for 30 days of activity. At first it was 30 days of one mile of running. Then, I shifted the goal to include walking. Then, I shifted again to some meaningful activity every day. I made it to 21 days straight with some spottiness toward the end of the month, but looking at my MapMyRun calendar, I am pretty pleased with what I was able to do.
 |
| July! Just four unsightly gaps. :) |
Now looking ahead to August, I'd like to keep a streak going. From the get-go, I'm declaring that every day must include at least one of the following:
• One mile run or walk
• Twenty minutes of tennis or anything else – cleaning, gardening, other exercise, etc.
This is all kind of random. I'm throwing numbers out there, but really what needs to happen is some sort of activity, every day. I guess as long as I have a little bar on every day on the calendar, I'll be happy.
I'm going to just focus on activity level for now, and keep trying to build strength and endurance. My weight has seemed to stabilize relatively, in the mid-280s. I'm OK with that for now, though I might try to lose .5 to 1 pound each week. I'm not tracking food and I'm trying to eat intuitively and feel comfortable with that.
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