Milestone redux

Woo hoo!

308.8 this morning. You know what that means? 40 pounds down. I'm thrilled.

And slightly surprised, too. While I didn't eat horribly yesterday, I went a bit out of bounds in snippets. You just never know. I just kept thinking to myself, please, PLEASE, please, get below 310. I just needed it psychologically.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a curator friend and we met at one of the best places for vegetarian fare in town (although they have meat dishes, too). The salads at Betty's are phenomenal, so I felt I was missing out on nothing by ordering the house salad with roasted vegetables and asiago with miso dressing. My friend got the same thing, and we both had a cup of the fantastic sweet potato, leek, and garlic soup. So, you see that what I ate was nothing but good stuff for anyone trying to eat healthfully, but it's not quite on plan for what I am doing... just a bit off with the sweet potato and probably the dressing.

Afterward, I met with another friend for coffee. You can bet I was tempted by the wonderful liquid treats at your typical cafe, but I stuck with a café au lait, really a compromise as I'm not supposed to have millk except for an optional tablespoon's worth with breakfast coffee or tea. With a little Equal, it tasted delish though, and again, I felt no deprivation. The conversation with my friend made it most enjoyable anyway, not what I was drinking.

Later on, I had a normal dinner — a little boneless pork chop and some roasted asparagus with one teaspoon of olive oil. Funny, since I've been measuring the oil with the teaspoon, I really find it's more than enough for the servings of veggies I make for myself, versus the full tablespoon (or more!) I used to use. For dessert I had a lovely sliced apple and a dollop of some honey roasted peanut butter from Nutty Guys to go with. Again, PB is not allowed in the diet phase but I do it sometimes anyway to no ill effect.

Finally, I had tiny bits of some of the other items I bought from Nutty Guys. Wasabi almonds, cheddar sesame sticks (these are for my partner), and worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) of all, the chocolate-covered cinnamon gummi bears. (I bought those for me to eat when I had my load days, or for small treats during maintenance.) Tiny nibbles, yes, but maybe you can see why I was a little worried about what the scale would show today. It really could have gone either way, I feel.

Anyway. The good news is I have five more weigh-ins before I start maintenance, which means that it is still perhaps possible for me to see 300 before I am through. I know, it's probably a long shot, but I am aiming high. I am ON a high! That airplane seat is not getting any bigger, after all.

Lowest yet! (By a smidge)

Hooray! I am down to 310.2 today, just a couple ounces below my previous lowest weight. I am looking forward to seeing those 30_ numbers coming up, and then... see ya later, 300s! I suppose it is possible before the end of my diet cycle this time; we'll see how I do. Either way I am pretty pleased.

Back on Track (again)

I don't know what happens to me or why, but I got back on track after that big gain and I'm almost back down to my lowest weight again (hoping tomorrow or the next day I'll be all set). After letting go for a day or two, I find it insanely easy to just do what I need to do for a while. Maybe I should just accept that and roll with it when I lose sight of my goals on a given day, as long as I get back on it right away? After years and years of struggling with food issues, I don't know if I will ever have solid answers to these questions, but I do know that I will not give up trying. You've seen, since I've started the blogs, that I haven't given up, even if months pass with no posting. I feel I really owe it to myself to finally come to terms with these issues and with my body.

I keep telling my friends, I'm 40 now, and there is just no option. It needs to get done once and for all. And I truly believe that. Lately I have been trying to envision myself at various lower weights, what it will be like to see certain numbers on the scale. I am glad that I can picture those things; it gives me hope.

Another is that I've been walking around feeling very confident and attractive. I'm not sure where this is coming from, but I am embracing it. Maybe it's that spring is really just around the corner and that always makes you feel good. Likely that it's something bigger, though, something more, and that it comes from inside. All the things I have been trying to do for myself, from THIS, to my professional life, to cultivating friendships old and new. I have so much to be thankful for.

Yesterday and today have both been easy eating days. I wonder why it can't always be like this? Maybe I should take out a few minutes each day to meditate on my goals and visualize myself achieving them.

It's like I can almost taste success!

I have various reasons for doing what I am doing, but one of them makes staying on plan easier because I know what it is like to ride in an airplane as a fat woman. The last time I flew I probably weighed about what I do now, and it was just an hour flight to New York City. It really sucked. I am flying to England in October and want to be as comfortable as I can on the plane ride — I forget how long it is, 8 hours or so? Yes, I am doing this for bigger reasons than international travel, but that is a huge and palpable impetus in the meantime. If things go as planned, I could be as low as 220-something, at the very least under 250, which should put me in the OK zone. I just have to keep going and do well, as well as I can.

I got the chance to walk a wee bit today — from the parking lot to a campus building to work on the mural, and back. Of course campus parking is never particularly convenient, so the little walk was quite nice. I realize that I am in not horrible shape and should really get out there for some real walks to see how I do in my proper walking/running sneaks.

Feeling good. Feeling hopeful.

Oops, I did it again

About ten days ago I went through the exact same scenario. Had a bad day, gained five pounds overnight. Except this time it took me two days to do it. So frustrating! I feel like a dumbass, to be honest.

The way I figure it, though, is that I will get right back on program diligently for the next seven days (just like last time), and lose another ten pounds. While I really wanted to get below 300 this round, it looks like I'll have to settle for 305 if I am lucky. I've got ten days left on the diet phase which gives me enough time to do 305. I will be happy and grateful for that. Bottom line is, I'll still be looking at over a 40 pound loss in just under three months. That is pretty spectacular.

In the coming (hopefully warmer) days, I plan to start walking again. Maybe I should set a date? Maybe I should do it today?

We'll see.

Good Intentions

Good intentions, I got 'em.

Today has turned out to be another not-so-great day after all. As I write this I am finishing up the last of a pint of ice cream (it was in the freezer from my last gorge days), and for lunch I had a couple small slices of pizza... and then some pretzels with cheese dip... and then the ice cream. Blech.

I don't feel good about this at all.

But I am writing it down.

As I was working on the ice cream, I was thinking to myself, "Why have I always been a secret eater?" See, I couldn't sit there in front of my partner and eat all this stuff. He did know about the pizza, though. He's been napping and I am working upstairs and *sigh* what is wrong with me???

I know this is but one day in a journey lasting most of my life, but it is still discouraging. Maybe I will give myself a little bit of a break because I (just realized) am totally PMSing? I just feel so desperate and f&%$ed up about this. How can I ever get past this?

Well, the day is not over, and tomorrow's another chance to embark anew. If nothing else I need to keep my eye on the goal of fitting comfortably in an airplane seat for my trip to England in October!

It was the Orange Chocolate Ice Cream's Fault!

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

One of the local eateries known for its beef on weck and its array of ice cream treats is the only place I know of that has orange chocolate ice cream — except that for a long time, it just never had it available. Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to stop by and get a cone... to my pleasant (or maybe not so pleasant) surprise, they had it!

Let me go back a little bit. You see, I had a lunch out with a former co-worker at my favorite Thai place. I had a nice shrimp curry, a coconut chicken soup, and a shrimp and chicken spring roll. Not great, but not bad considering that I was planning on having nothing else to eat the rest of the day (I know, not my best strategy, but it was what it was). That was all well and good, but then I started thinking about ice cream for some reason... maybe because I knew that there was an Anderson's on the way home, who knows. Logic defies me sometimes — who wants an ice cream cone in the freezing weather we've been having this past week?!? Yup. Me.

Once again, it's that syndrome where I get feeling entitled, I guess... having a great week weight loss-wise and feeling loosier and goosier. A small cone! Why shouldn't I?

You might guess what really happened. Once I saw that they had orange chocolate, I ordered a large. In one of those dipped waffle cones with sprinkles, no less.

Oh my, it was delicious. It was heavenly. I don't regret it.

(The lunch was fantastic, too, by the way.)

Surprisingly enough, I showed just about a pound gain on the scale this morning. I was down just above 310; now I am just above 311. I'm OK with it. I got lucky, I feel.

So yes, I LOVED eating that ice cream, but man oh man, do I want to get myself below 310. SO badly.

Today you will find me right back on track, and happily so.

Get My Head Right

One thing I have noticed about doing this program is that because it is so restrictive, I can respond in one of several ways. One, I want to rebel against it, and even get pretty mad about it sometimes. Two, I "get with it" and find myself reverting back to my late high school days when I would be pleased about NOT eating. My third response seems to be something resembling normal behavior, that is, following the regimen, eating what I am supposed to eat, and being done with it. No drama.

I wish it could be the latter all the time, but maybe someday it will. I consider myself a lifelong learner and goodness knows that there are some things that I need to unlearn, like those unhealthy behaviors.

Yesterday, I ended up having a nice lunch of shrimp and cauliflower curry — a nice big helping. I had the amount of shrimp allotted, but probably had "too many" vegetables (ha! Is there such a thing?). It filled me up and was very satisfying, and I was so pleased with it that I ended up not eating again for the rest of the day.

The sad thing is, I was so proud of myself! I was certain to lose a LOT of weight now, I thought. I went to bed hungry and woke up hungry, but it got me the same loss I've been getting all week: just about a pound.

Hey, I am not complaining, but it just goes to show that starving oneself is not a solution. I mean, I knew that, but you know, sometimes it takes something obvious for me to accept it. Not to mention, starving myself is no fun and not healthy.

So, today, I was back on the program in the sense that I am eating what I should be eating. I had a nice pork chop and some roasted asparagus for lunch, and a little steak and brussels sprouts for dinner. Strawberries for dessert. Lots of water for the rest of the evening. Steady as she goes.

Bonus! We got several inches of snow last night, so I got some exercise in the form of shoveling. It can go melt now.

Down to 312 and change. Zow.

Milestone!

Today I am happy to announce a couple milestones.

One, I am down 10% of my starting weight.

Two, I am down just over 35 pounds. Ha.

313.4! Woo!

It seems that even with the small adjustments I have made to the protocol, I'm still getting results. The long and short of it is, I am eating mostly fresh veggies and fruits, with small amounts of lean meats and fishes. ;) Most of the time. The past couple days I have been fitting in small amounts of verboten items, like nibbles of chocolate (Hershey's kisses), a spoonful or two of ice cream (last night only), coconut milk, olive oil in small amounts, and a few bread products (not much at all, but I wanted to mention it anyway).

I am still eating much less than I ever do in my previous "normal" life, too. I drink a lot of water.

(I still need to start some form of exercise!)

In other words, I am doing what I need to do to stay on track. It feels good! Maybe that great big off-day was just what I needed to slip into high gear again.

One thing I have figured out in recent days is that when I am upset, the first thing I want to do is eat something crappy. I realized this last night as I grabbed the pint of Ben & Jerry's from the freezer after having words with my partner. It was so glaringly obvious what was going on. I almost laughed! I was also able to remove myself from the situation and let the ice cream sit for a few minutes. I still did have some, but literally a few spoonfuls. Then, I closed it up and put it away right away.

I averted what could have been... well, not disaster certainly... a real setback. That sounds more proportional. ;)

I'm taking the good days and making it through the bad ones. Either way, I'm going to get to where I am going, finally. Doesn't matter if it takes a year or 10 years, I am NOT giving up.

Down, down, down...

I've been doing much better since my last post and that big gain. As of today, I finally made up for that gain and then some — an extra pound off from my previous lowest. Feels good.

I'm still struggling with control and food. I feel best when I have structure around mealtimes and meals. Unfortunately, my schedule often varies so I find myself eating when it is convenient, and not at the same time every day necessarily. The past few days I've actually only been able to fit one meal in, and while I'd guess it is not the best strategy, I also find that it is working well for me. It's as if the fewer times I have to eat, the better. I don't have to struggle so much about what I am putting in my mouth. This will change, I am sure... it's after that binge a few days ago I felt a great need to really tighten the reins just so that I can get myself into a better mindset when it comes to dealing with food.

Sounds crazy, I know. Don't worry, it's not permanent; it's just something that works for me at this moment. I am enjoying eating healthier foods again and I am making some concessions here and there — small amounts of olive oil, for example, a few pretzels and almonds yesterday, some coconut milk in my curry today (which, by the way, I made so hot and spicy that it nearly made me dizzy! Wow!). I still don't know if the hcG drops that I am taking actually do anything, but I appreciate them whether it's physiological or psychological. Whatever works, right?

I guess I am feeling a bit philosophical tonight. I feel very (I want to say "zen" but know that's probably not the right word) about things since my binge. If something goes into my mouth, I want it to be something not only healthy, but also delicious. I don't want to waste my time and energy on anything less while I am being so restrictive.

Roasted vegetables are my not-so-new best friend these past couple months. Lately I've been making a delicious mixture in the oven involving cauliflower florets, whole garlic cloves, and onion (though I think shallots would be particularly divine). Drizzle very lightly with olive oil, and bake at 375 for 25 to 30 minutes. East it as is, or throw it together with some curry sauce like I have been, and maybe some shrimp. Fresh herbs like cilantro and basil make it even better. Good lord.

Anyway, I felt driven today to succeed at this thing and hope that the feeling lasts for the next few weeks. The best I can do, though, is continue taking it one day at a time. I will get there in time.

The Need to Reach Out

I feel like I am hanging by a thread today, so it's probably best that I blog. I really find that it helps me a lot in troubled times.

Sure enough, after my disaster of an eating day yesterday, I found myself up FIVE pounds! Wow. I guess I really packed it in.

So that sucked. When I told my partner, he said, "Well, it'll come off fast!" which made me feel better. It might take a couple days, but yes, it will come off. To be more proactive, today I sat down with my calendar and decided to effectively restart my diet phase. I had a few leftover days after maintenance before I see my practitioner again, so I figured that I would do a few more diet days starting today and still be OK to fit the maintenance in like I need to — two weeks' worth.

I like having a fresh start; I just wish that it was not back at the weight I started this session! Tsk.

I ate what I was supposed to today, and I even had a little bit of some physical activity in the form of art-making. It feels good to be back on my regimen, but wouldn't you know that I still have little twingy cravings every so often? The thing is, I KNOW the junk's not going to taste that great, and it's not going to make me feel good (mentally or physically!) I must break this terrible addiction. (Continued thanks to the lovely Claire for her very astute comments!)

That's about it, I guess. Just trying to stay motivated and focused. This is something I simply must do, so I will continue getting back up and brushing myself off when I fall to the ground.