I'd like to be able to tell you that the remainder of yesterday went well and that I did the Pilates DVD, and everything else. But, I didn't -- I got sucked into watching a Man Vs. Wild marathon on Discovery instead (along with a little bit of time framing some art)!
Well, at least I had to do a bit of shoveling this morning. My car almost got stuck at the end of the driveway, but I was able to shovel out, thank goodness. Hey, it's something!
To be honest, I really don't know what is going on with me lately. I would indeed like to lose more weight, at least get below 300, but it doesn't seem to be priority -- I mean, obviously! If it truly was I wouldn't be stuffing my face with Cheez-Its and marshmallows in the evening, now, would I? The truth is I have had a lot on my plate this month and I think I'm just distracted by other things, and time and mental capacity is at a premium. Sometimes that is just the reality; I'm not saying it is a good excuse (it's really not, I know), but it is what it is right now. In the meantime, I am committed to continuing to update this blog and to drinking lots of water each day (hydration, hydration!), as well as weigh each day and log it -- three things that are mindful but also pretty easy to do. As for the other stuff that adds up to losing weight, I will keep it in mind and do the best I can with making better food choices and keeping unnecessary snacking to a minimum. By gosh, if I have to outline this for myself every day, I will. It'll make for boring reading, but I will do it if it comes to that being the one thread I have to hang on.
A friend of mine on LiveJournal wrote an entry this morning that got me thinking about my own experiences with body image. She posted a photo of herself from about 10 years ago, back when she was a few sizes smaller, and what her life was like back then and how being skinnier did not end up equaling being happier. This really touched me because I realized that I felt exactly the same way. At this point in my life I am infinitely happier than I was ten, fifteen, twenty years ago -- or in weight, 50, 100, 150 pounds ago. I often took very unhealthy measures to keep myself looking a certain way, and my self-esteem was generally quite low so that I'd also be making not-so-great life decisions as well. Now, my body might not be where I'd really like it to be, but more than ever I feel beautiful, capable, and confident. And I can honestly say that I love my body despite (maybe even because of) its flaws.
My ultimate goals are 1) to be healthier and 2) I'm not going to lie -- have more choices in clothing. I'm proud to say that I don't need to lose weight in order to be happy or get the most out of life. I don't let fat get in the way of anything. And if someone else has a problem with that, well, I don't want them in my life, anyway.
This ties in with how I've been thinking about my perception of other people and therefore others' perception of me. When I meet someone new, I may notice their size, but more than anything I notice their smile, their personality, and how they present themselves to the world. I realize that it really doesn't matter what size someone is at all -- other factors totally take over how I see them initially. I realize that not everyone is like this, and that sizeism still exists, but think about it: what do you notice most about a person when you meet them? I'd like to hear your honest responses.