I'd like to be able to tell you that the remainder of yesterday went well and that I did the Pilates DVD, and everything else. But, I didn't -- I got sucked into watching a Man Vs. Wild marathon on Discovery instead (along with a little bit of time framing some art)!
Well, at least I had to do a bit of shoveling this morning. My car almost got stuck at the end of the driveway, but I was able to shovel out, thank goodness. Hey, it's something!
To be honest, I really don't know what is going on with me lately. I would indeed like to lose more weight, at least get below 300, but it doesn't seem to be priority -- I mean, obviously! If it truly was I wouldn't be stuffing my face with Cheez-Its and marshmallows in the evening, now, would I? The truth is I have had a lot on my plate this month and I think I'm just distracted by other things, and time and mental capacity is at a premium. Sometimes that is just the reality; I'm not saying it is a good excuse (it's really not, I know), but it is what it is right now. In the meantime, I am committed to continuing to update this blog and to drinking lots of water each day (hydration, hydration!), as well as weigh each day and log it -- three things that are mindful but also pretty easy to do. As for the other stuff that adds up to losing weight, I will keep it in mind and do the best I can with making better food choices and keeping unnecessary snacking to a minimum. By gosh, if I have to outline this for myself every day, I will. It'll make for boring reading, but I will do it if it comes to that being the one thread I have to hang on.
A friend of mine on LiveJournal wrote an entry this morning that got me thinking about my own experiences with body image. She posted a photo of herself from about 10 years ago, back when she was a few sizes smaller, and what her life was like back then and how being skinnier did not end up equaling being happier. This really touched me because I realized that I felt exactly the same way. At this point in my life I am infinitely happier than I was ten, fifteen, twenty years ago -- or in weight, 50, 100, 150 pounds ago. I often took very unhealthy measures to keep myself looking a certain way, and my self-esteem was generally quite low so that I'd also be making not-so-great life decisions as well. Now, my body might not be where I'd really like it to be, but more than ever I feel beautiful, capable, and confident. And I can honestly say that I love my body despite (maybe even because of) its flaws.
My ultimate goals are 1) to be healthier and 2) I'm not going to lie -- have more choices in clothing. I'm proud to say that I don't need to lose weight in order to be happy or get the most out of life. I don't let fat get in the way of anything. And if someone else has a problem with that, well, I don't want them in my life, anyway.
This ties in with how I've been thinking about my perception of other people and therefore others' perception of me. When I meet someone new, I may notice their size, but more than anything I notice their smile, their personality, and how they present themselves to the world. I realize that it really doesn't matter what size someone is at all -- other factors totally take over how I see them initially. I realize that not everyone is like this, and that sizeism still exists, but think about it: what do you notice most about a person when you meet them? I'd like to hear your honest responses.
I always notice a person's face first and foremost. Also, if someone's significantly shorter than me, I notice that because it doesn't happen very often. As for someone's weight, I only tend to really consider it if the person mentions it or if there's some other factor that draws my attention to it. I've been fat for most of my life and am, at 170 lbs, the smallest I've been in about 11 years, which is still considered obese by medical standards. You're beautiful by the way.
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