Hello again

Hmph. Hello!

I'm still gaining weight. Life has been a little crazy lately so food choices have gone out the window completely. Definitely eating emotionally, like 75% of the time, or something.

We were dealing with our sick cat, who we finally decided to have put down yesterday morning. I went to work after that but was a huge mess, so went home after a couple hours and slept most of the afternoon and ate crap. I'm still shaken today, so I can tell you for a fact that no major lifestyle changes are going to happen soon, but damn! I have been feeling so crappy. My relationship with myself has been just terrible, even if other aspects of my life are good (aside from losing Azrael, of course). I barely look in mirrors anymore, my clothing situation has become utterly deplorable (and I am caring less and less just because there is little I can do about it at the moment financially), and I know that my hair has become a shield. It's just about to my waist in the back, shorter in the front and I totally use it to hide and/or distract... although who the hell do I think I am fooling, anyway? It's pretty ridiculous. I desperately want and need a haircut.

I feel like I am approaching personal crisis mode.

I still want to, and plan to, join the gym like I was talking about in my last post. I should be able to swing it pocketbook-wise in the next week or two, and I will do it, I promise! I also really miss running, truly. And I have an excellent impetus to start up again tout de suite. It involves writing about my experiences as a runner and submitting it to be considered for a book of collected stories on the subject. I would love to write about how I developed last year, what a struggle it was and is now that I am lapsed. But I also want to be doing it again as I am writing the thing, otherwise how would it be relevant, really? I love to write and would love to have a story published. This is a great opportunity on several levels that I really need to commit to. I'm thinking I may start tomorrow. I have to do something.

Though I hate to say it, I have an absolute loathing for my body lately. It's like we are the worst enemies and I don't want it to be this way. I want to rekindle the love we once had for each other. The thing is, the ball is totally in my court because I know the minute I decide to start treating it nicely again, it will reciprocate tenfold.

Must commit. Must.