Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hello again

Hmph. Hello!

I'm still gaining weight. Life has been a little crazy lately so food choices have gone out the window completely. Definitely eating emotionally, like 75% of the time, or something.

We were dealing with our sick cat, who we finally decided to have put down yesterday morning. I went to work after that but was a huge mess, so went home after a couple hours and slept most of the afternoon and ate crap. I'm still shaken today, so I can tell you for a fact that no major lifestyle changes are going to happen soon, but damn! I have been feeling so crappy. My relationship with myself has been just terrible, even if other aspects of my life are good (aside from losing Azrael, of course). I barely look in mirrors anymore, my clothing situation has become utterly deplorable (and I am caring less and less just because there is little I can do about it at the moment financially), and I know that my hair has become a shield. It's just about to my waist in the back, shorter in the front and I totally use it to hide and/or distract... although who the hell do I think I am fooling, anyway? It's pretty ridiculous. I desperately want and need a haircut.

I feel like I am approaching personal crisis mode.

I still want to, and plan to, join the gym like I was talking about in my last post. I should be able to swing it pocketbook-wise in the next week or two, and I will do it, I promise! I also really miss running, truly. And I have an excellent impetus to start up again tout de suite. It involves writing about my experiences as a runner and submitting it to be considered for a book of collected stories on the subject. I would love to write about how I developed last year, what a struggle it was and is now that I am lapsed. But I also want to be doing it again as I am writing the thing, otherwise how would it be relevant, really? I love to write and would love to have a story published. This is a great opportunity on several levels that I really need to commit to. I'm thinking I may start tomorrow. I have to do something.

Though I hate to say it, I have an absolute loathing for my body lately. It's like we are the worst enemies and I don't want it to be this way. I want to rekindle the love we once had for each other. The thing is, the ball is totally in my court because I know the minute I decide to start treating it nicely again, it will reciprocate tenfold.

Must commit. Must.

1 comment:

  1. So why the inertia? Do you think you don't deserve taking action? Are you secretly beating yourself up for something? I know for me I thought'd I'd fail so I didn't dare try. I was also blaming myself for something that wasn't my fault. Maybe you need to do more head work before you get on with this.

    Or just follow my mantra 'create or stagnate.' Your life is waiting for you to create it. You are obviously very artistic - get out there and create change - it's the best art project you'll ever do! You are your best art project.