I am really upset about my weight situation right now. I've had a total loss of control and have a bizarre totally caring about it/totally not caring about it dichotomy that makes dealing with things really difficult.
Yesterday I heard the former tennis pro Monica Seles on NPR talking about her new book, which apparently talks a lot about her own struggles with food and body issues. Apparently she has been "OK" for the past five years, and hearing her talk reminded me of how I sound when I tell people about when I am in the middle of losing a good chunk of weight, when I am in the zone and doing well. Kind of all dreamy and confident and emphatic. Big difference is, obviously, she has been able to maintain her weight loss for five years, whereas I haven't ever been able to for longer than six months.
There's a serious disconnect here. I was totally thinking that there is something in my brain that really needs fixing, and that if I could fix it, I wouldn't have a weight problem. That the fat is merely a symptom of something else entirely. The honest truth is that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food, not at all. And until I can fix that, I will probably never be able to lose and keep off weight. This has been going on for practically a lifetime.
I'm wondering if I should seriously consider returning to some form of counseling specifically addressing this issue, or even attending OA meetings. The latter sounds really unappealing, though. I actually did go to a couple OA meetings about 15 years ago and they just made me feel funny, but who knows? Maybe it would be different at this point in my life. All I know is that I have to do something, because I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am simply not happy with my body because it is not serving me well. I'm keenly aware of certain limitations returning as I gain more and more weight back, and it's freaking me the fuck out.
There. I said it.