I'd like to say a big thanks to those of you who offered words of support via comments and emails. I'm very touched by your words of encouragement, and maybe you would be happy to know that it really does have a great effect on me—it does make a difference, whether I am getting back in the proverbial saddle or not. Your words help me to not want to give up completely, and that is so important. Isn't it?
I am within just 15 pounds of where I started back in January 2008. It's really discouraging to see a certain number on the scale, or to feel how my clothes don't really fit so well, if at all, anymore. I still have garbage bags full of my old fatter clothes, which I suppose I can see as a good thing, but it makes me wonder: if I hadn't known those clothes were still there, would I have been more diligent to keep the weight off? All these little psychological games I play with myself get so tiresome. I don't like to second guess my choices, playing Monday morning quarterback. What's the point?
I'm trying to think more about timelines than deadlines, greyscales instead of black and whites (you know who you are out there!). I think having goals is still important, but not to put a due date on them.
There have been some stressful things going on in my life lately, which don't help matters. I listen to my thoughts and they sound like this: "Oh, I can't wait to have lunch." "I will have a big bowl of ice cream sundae for dessert, that will feel good." I find myself looking forward to eating as an event more than most things; the converse of this is the daily debate with C. about what's for dinner. I also think things like, "I wish we didn't have to eat, what a pain." All or nothing, I guess. Moderation has not been appealing to me in the least, and I have usually been eating beyond being full.
It's not comfortable physically or emotionally, but I just keep doing it. And I suffer the effects: depression, lethargy, seclusion. Fortunately I have a loving, supportive partner, without whom I am not sure what I'd do... he tells me things like, "You'll lose the weight," very matter-of-factly.
Positive reinforcement is nice. Enough times, hearing over and over "You can do it!" or "You're worth it!", you start to actually believe it.
But no one thing is a magic bullet. I have to take that inspiration and encouragement and manifest it into something real. I know I have it in me, somewhere deep down. I have to find the strength and confidence to pull it out of the muck.