Milestone redux

Woo hoo!

308.8 this morning. You know what that means? 40 pounds down. I'm thrilled.

And slightly surprised, too. While I didn't eat horribly yesterday, I went a bit out of bounds in snippets. You just never know. I just kept thinking to myself, please, PLEASE, please, get below 310. I just needed it psychologically.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with a curator friend and we met at one of the best places for vegetarian fare in town (although they have meat dishes, too). The salads at Betty's are phenomenal, so I felt I was missing out on nothing by ordering the house salad with roasted vegetables and asiago with miso dressing. My friend got the same thing, and we both had a cup of the fantastic sweet potato, leek, and garlic soup. So, you see that what I ate was nothing but good stuff for anyone trying to eat healthfully, but it's not quite on plan for what I am doing... just a bit off with the sweet potato and probably the dressing.

Afterward, I met with another friend for coffee. You can bet I was tempted by the wonderful liquid treats at your typical cafe, but I stuck with a café au lait, really a compromise as I'm not supposed to have millk except for an optional tablespoon's worth with breakfast coffee or tea. With a little Equal, it tasted delish though, and again, I felt no deprivation. The conversation with my friend made it most enjoyable anyway, not what I was drinking.

Later on, I had a normal dinner — a little boneless pork chop and some roasted asparagus with one teaspoon of olive oil. Funny, since I've been measuring the oil with the teaspoon, I really find it's more than enough for the servings of veggies I make for myself, versus the full tablespoon (or more!) I used to use. For dessert I had a lovely sliced apple and a dollop of some honey roasted peanut butter from Nutty Guys to go with. Again, PB is not allowed in the diet phase but I do it sometimes anyway to no ill effect.

Finally, I had tiny bits of some of the other items I bought from Nutty Guys. Wasabi almonds, cheddar sesame sticks (these are for my partner), and worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) of all, the chocolate-covered cinnamon gummi bears. (I bought those for me to eat when I had my load days, or for small treats during maintenance.) Tiny nibbles, yes, but maybe you can see why I was a little worried about what the scale would show today. It really could have gone either way, I feel.

Anyway. The good news is I have five more weigh-ins before I start maintenance, which means that it is still perhaps possible for me to see 300 before I am through. I know, it's probably a long shot, but I am aiming high. I am ON a high! That airplane seat is not getting any bigger, after all.

Lowest yet! (By a smidge)

Hooray! I am down to 310.2 today, just a couple ounces below my previous lowest weight. I am looking forward to seeing those 30_ numbers coming up, and then... see ya later, 300s! I suppose it is possible before the end of my diet cycle this time; we'll see how I do. Either way I am pretty pleased.

Back on Track (again)

I don't know what happens to me or why, but I got back on track after that big gain and I'm almost back down to my lowest weight again (hoping tomorrow or the next day I'll be all set). After letting go for a day or two, I find it insanely easy to just do what I need to do for a while. Maybe I should just accept that and roll with it when I lose sight of my goals on a given day, as long as I get back on it right away? After years and years of struggling with food issues, I don't know if I will ever have solid answers to these questions, but I do know that I will not give up trying. You've seen, since I've started the blogs, that I haven't given up, even if months pass with no posting. I feel I really owe it to myself to finally come to terms with these issues and with my body.

I keep telling my friends, I'm 40 now, and there is just no option. It needs to get done once and for all. And I truly believe that. Lately I have been trying to envision myself at various lower weights, what it will be like to see certain numbers on the scale. I am glad that I can picture those things; it gives me hope.

Another is that I've been walking around feeling very confident and attractive. I'm not sure where this is coming from, but I am embracing it. Maybe it's that spring is really just around the corner and that always makes you feel good. Likely that it's something bigger, though, something more, and that it comes from inside. All the things I have been trying to do for myself, from THIS, to my professional life, to cultivating friendships old and new. I have so much to be thankful for.

Yesterday and today have both been easy eating days. I wonder why it can't always be like this? Maybe I should take out a few minutes each day to meditate on my goals and visualize myself achieving them.

It's like I can almost taste success!

I have various reasons for doing what I am doing, but one of them makes staying on plan easier because I know what it is like to ride in an airplane as a fat woman. The last time I flew I probably weighed about what I do now, and it was just an hour flight to New York City. It really sucked. I am flying to England in October and want to be as comfortable as I can on the plane ride — I forget how long it is, 8 hours or so? Yes, I am doing this for bigger reasons than international travel, but that is a huge and palpable impetus in the meantime. If things go as planned, I could be as low as 220-something, at the very least under 250, which should put me in the OK zone. I just have to keep going and do well, as well as I can.

I got the chance to walk a wee bit today — from the parking lot to a campus building to work on the mural, and back. Of course campus parking is never particularly convenient, so the little walk was quite nice. I realize that I am in not horrible shape and should really get out there for some real walks to see how I do in my proper walking/running sneaks.

Feeling good. Feeling hopeful.

Oops, I did it again

About ten days ago I went through the exact same scenario. Had a bad day, gained five pounds overnight. Except this time it took me two days to do it. So frustrating! I feel like a dumbass, to be honest.

The way I figure it, though, is that I will get right back on program diligently for the next seven days (just like last time), and lose another ten pounds. While I really wanted to get below 300 this round, it looks like I'll have to settle for 305 if I am lucky. I've got ten days left on the diet phase which gives me enough time to do 305. I will be happy and grateful for that. Bottom line is, I'll still be looking at over a 40 pound loss in just under three months. That is pretty spectacular.

In the coming (hopefully warmer) days, I plan to start walking again. Maybe I should set a date? Maybe I should do it today?

We'll see.

Good Intentions

Good intentions, I got 'em.

Today has turned out to be another not-so-great day after all. As I write this I am finishing up the last of a pint of ice cream (it was in the freezer from my last gorge days), and for lunch I had a couple small slices of pizza... and then some pretzels with cheese dip... and then the ice cream. Blech.

I don't feel good about this at all.

But I am writing it down.

As I was working on the ice cream, I was thinking to myself, "Why have I always been a secret eater?" See, I couldn't sit there in front of my partner and eat all this stuff. He did know about the pizza, though. He's been napping and I am working upstairs and *sigh* what is wrong with me???

I know this is but one day in a journey lasting most of my life, but it is still discouraging. Maybe I will give myself a little bit of a break because I (just realized) am totally PMSing? I just feel so desperate and f&%$ed up about this. How can I ever get past this?

Well, the day is not over, and tomorrow's another chance to embark anew. If nothing else I need to keep my eye on the goal of fitting comfortably in an airplane seat for my trip to England in October!

It was the Orange Chocolate Ice Cream's Fault!

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

One of the local eateries known for its beef on weck and its array of ice cream treats is the only place I know of that has orange chocolate ice cream — except that for a long time, it just never had it available. Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to stop by and get a cone... to my pleasant (or maybe not so pleasant) surprise, they had it!

Let me go back a little bit. You see, I had a lunch out with a former co-worker at my favorite Thai place. I had a nice shrimp curry, a coconut chicken soup, and a shrimp and chicken spring roll. Not great, but not bad considering that I was planning on having nothing else to eat the rest of the day (I know, not my best strategy, but it was what it was). That was all well and good, but then I started thinking about ice cream for some reason... maybe because I knew that there was an Anderson's on the way home, who knows. Logic defies me sometimes — who wants an ice cream cone in the freezing weather we've been having this past week?!? Yup. Me.

Once again, it's that syndrome where I get feeling entitled, I guess... having a great week weight loss-wise and feeling loosier and goosier. A small cone! Why shouldn't I?

You might guess what really happened. Once I saw that they had orange chocolate, I ordered a large. In one of those dipped waffle cones with sprinkles, no less.

Oh my, it was delicious. It was heavenly. I don't regret it.

(The lunch was fantastic, too, by the way.)

Surprisingly enough, I showed just about a pound gain on the scale this morning. I was down just above 310; now I am just above 311. I'm OK with it. I got lucky, I feel.

So yes, I LOVED eating that ice cream, but man oh man, do I want to get myself below 310. SO badly.

Today you will find me right back on track, and happily so.

Get My Head Right

One thing I have noticed about doing this program is that because it is so restrictive, I can respond in one of several ways. One, I want to rebel against it, and even get pretty mad about it sometimes. Two, I "get with it" and find myself reverting back to my late high school days when I would be pleased about NOT eating. My third response seems to be something resembling normal behavior, that is, following the regimen, eating what I am supposed to eat, and being done with it. No drama.

I wish it could be the latter all the time, but maybe someday it will. I consider myself a lifelong learner and goodness knows that there are some things that I need to unlearn, like those unhealthy behaviors.

Yesterday, I ended up having a nice lunch of shrimp and cauliflower curry — a nice big helping. I had the amount of shrimp allotted, but probably had "too many" vegetables (ha! Is there such a thing?). It filled me up and was very satisfying, and I was so pleased with it that I ended up not eating again for the rest of the day.

The sad thing is, I was so proud of myself! I was certain to lose a LOT of weight now, I thought. I went to bed hungry and woke up hungry, but it got me the same loss I've been getting all week: just about a pound.

Hey, I am not complaining, but it just goes to show that starving oneself is not a solution. I mean, I knew that, but you know, sometimes it takes something obvious for me to accept it. Not to mention, starving myself is no fun and not healthy.

So, today, I was back on the program in the sense that I am eating what I should be eating. I had a nice pork chop and some roasted asparagus for lunch, and a little steak and brussels sprouts for dinner. Strawberries for dessert. Lots of water for the rest of the evening. Steady as she goes.

Bonus! We got several inches of snow last night, so I got some exercise in the form of shoveling. It can go melt now.

Down to 312 and change. Zow.

Milestone!

Today I am happy to announce a couple milestones.

One, I am down 10% of my starting weight.

Two, I am down just over 35 pounds. Ha.

313.4! Woo!

It seems that even with the small adjustments I have made to the protocol, I'm still getting results. The long and short of it is, I am eating mostly fresh veggies and fruits, with small amounts of lean meats and fishes. ;) Most of the time. The past couple days I have been fitting in small amounts of verboten items, like nibbles of chocolate (Hershey's kisses), a spoonful or two of ice cream (last night only), coconut milk, olive oil in small amounts, and a few bread products (not much at all, but I wanted to mention it anyway).

I am still eating much less than I ever do in my previous "normal" life, too. I drink a lot of water.

(I still need to start some form of exercise!)

In other words, I am doing what I need to do to stay on track. It feels good! Maybe that great big off-day was just what I needed to slip into high gear again.

One thing I have figured out in recent days is that when I am upset, the first thing I want to do is eat something crappy. I realized this last night as I grabbed the pint of Ben & Jerry's from the freezer after having words with my partner. It was so glaringly obvious what was going on. I almost laughed! I was also able to remove myself from the situation and let the ice cream sit for a few minutes. I still did have some, but literally a few spoonfuls. Then, I closed it up and put it away right away.

I averted what could have been... well, not disaster certainly... a real setback. That sounds more proportional. ;)

I'm taking the good days and making it through the bad ones. Either way, I'm going to get to where I am going, finally. Doesn't matter if it takes a year or 10 years, I am NOT giving up.

Down, down, down...

I've been doing much better since my last post and that big gain. As of today, I finally made up for that gain and then some — an extra pound off from my previous lowest. Feels good.

I'm still struggling with control and food. I feel best when I have structure around mealtimes and meals. Unfortunately, my schedule often varies so I find myself eating when it is convenient, and not at the same time every day necessarily. The past few days I've actually only been able to fit one meal in, and while I'd guess it is not the best strategy, I also find that it is working well for me. It's as if the fewer times I have to eat, the better. I don't have to struggle so much about what I am putting in my mouth. This will change, I am sure... it's after that binge a few days ago I felt a great need to really tighten the reins just so that I can get myself into a better mindset when it comes to dealing with food.

Sounds crazy, I know. Don't worry, it's not permanent; it's just something that works for me at this moment. I am enjoying eating healthier foods again and I am making some concessions here and there — small amounts of olive oil, for example, a few pretzels and almonds yesterday, some coconut milk in my curry today (which, by the way, I made so hot and spicy that it nearly made me dizzy! Wow!). I still don't know if the hcG drops that I am taking actually do anything, but I appreciate them whether it's physiological or psychological. Whatever works, right?

I guess I am feeling a bit philosophical tonight. I feel very (I want to say "zen" but know that's probably not the right word) about things since my binge. If something goes into my mouth, I want it to be something not only healthy, but also delicious. I don't want to waste my time and energy on anything less while I am being so restrictive.

Roasted vegetables are my not-so-new best friend these past couple months. Lately I've been making a delicious mixture in the oven involving cauliflower florets, whole garlic cloves, and onion (though I think shallots would be particularly divine). Drizzle very lightly with olive oil, and bake at 375 for 25 to 30 minutes. East it as is, or throw it together with some curry sauce like I have been, and maybe some shrimp. Fresh herbs like cilantro and basil make it even better. Good lord.

Anyway, I felt driven today to succeed at this thing and hope that the feeling lasts for the next few weeks. The best I can do, though, is continue taking it one day at a time. I will get there in time.

The Need to Reach Out

I feel like I am hanging by a thread today, so it's probably best that I blog. I really find that it helps me a lot in troubled times.

Sure enough, after my disaster of an eating day yesterday, I found myself up FIVE pounds! Wow. I guess I really packed it in.

So that sucked. When I told my partner, he said, "Well, it'll come off fast!" which made me feel better. It might take a couple days, but yes, it will come off. To be more proactive, today I sat down with my calendar and decided to effectively restart my diet phase. I had a few leftover days after maintenance before I see my practitioner again, so I figured that I would do a few more diet days starting today and still be OK to fit the maintenance in like I need to — two weeks' worth.

I like having a fresh start; I just wish that it was not back at the weight I started this session! Tsk.

I ate what I was supposed to today, and I even had a little bit of some physical activity in the form of art-making. It feels good to be back on my regimen, but wouldn't you know that I still have little twingy cravings every so often? The thing is, I KNOW the junk's not going to taste that great, and it's not going to make me feel good (mentally or physically!) I must break this terrible addiction. (Continued thanks to the lovely Claire for her very astute comments!)

That's about it, I guess. Just trying to stay motivated and focused. This is something I simply must do, so I will continue getting back up and brushing myself off when I fall to the ground.

MIA

I just realized that I haven't checked in since Sunday... how can that be true? Here we are at Wednesday already!

Well, truthfully, I have been having a hard time and have not been eating the way I should be. For some reason, compulsive feelings have been plaguing me for the past week or so, and I just decided to give in, I guess. Generally what happens is I'll have a "bad" day, then be super austere the next day (and lose any of the weight I gained), then get back to feeling those feelings again. I'm still holding at just around 316, which is good, but honestly I should be way past that by now. I'm too busy futzing around and fearing success, apparently. Ridiculous.

Yesterday I was on the road all day — I made a five and half hour drive to Potsdam to do an artist's talk at the gallery where I have a show of my paintings on the SUNY campus there. The last time I made the trip, I brought healthy snacks and a lot of water, and we had dinner out and it was fine. This time, I wasn't as well prepared and only had water and two apples with me, not to mention the compulsive urges. That meant two bad meals (two different fast food restaurants, ugh!), two apples, and lots of water. Believe me, my body did not like that at all. For the last two or three hours of the five and a half hour drive home (I did a round trip in one day!), my stomach doth protested indeed! I felt like I was going to hurl, it came in waves. Fortunately, I made it home without incident but man! Ouch. Lesson learned, right?

Ha. Well, I didn't suffer on the scale at all really this morning since my body pretty much rejected the food — I won't get into any more detail than that. Did I learn my lesson, though? No. No, I didn't. I ended up gorging again today, and I really don't know why. All I can tell you is that I feel bad about it and that I am looking forward to some healthy eating again tomorrow (and hopefully the next day, and the next), and lots of water for the rest of the evening. Blegh.

As I as have said previously, I just don't know why I do stuff like this when it doesn't really even feel good. Junk food doesn't really even taste that great anymore, but there is something about the experience of eating it that makes me want it anyway. It's the strangest thing! I like the bright taste of healthy, fresh foods much more, so I just can't figure this out. Maybe it is just bad habits — ones that are lifelong? No doubt there is some psychology involved, too, but either way it's frustrating as hell.

I mean, I am pretty close to my first big goal of getting below 300 pounds! With the program I'm on, it should happen quickly, too! I have received a lot of positive feedback from friends, family, and my partner in the past few days, which has been great, but I wonder if getting such encouragement is actually bad for me? That it makes me overconfident or cocky? Like, "Oh! I am doing enough!" There is still so far to go, though, and I need to keep that in mind.

Like, the other day I went to Target to see about getting a new shirt for my talk. What a sad experience that was, as I am sure many of you can relate to. My feeling was, Wow. I've lost over 30 pounds and I still don't see a big difference in the way my body looks in the dressing room mirror, and I still don't fit into most of the clothes here. I walked away with new socks and new Converse One-Star slip-ons (really love, by the way!). When you're really fat, at least you can get new socks and shoes, I guess.

I tried on some pants and jeans that I've had tucked away unwearable for quite a while now, and good news on that front: some fit comfortably now, and others are 10-15 pounds away. I'm telling you, that 300 pound weight is magic for me. I NEED to get there.

Well, the best I can say for today is that I am happy I've written this all out. It did make me feel a little better and I know that I will get back on track. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter how long it takes me to get where I want to go, as long as I keep trying.

What Is Wrong With Me?

That's all I can ask myself at the moment.

I had a great day yesterday, food-wise. I had a nice lunch and, to be honest, did not eat dinner. I drank lots of water. I dropped three pounds. 316.6 this morning, totally chuffed!

I seem to be having a problem with going out for now. Today wasn't technically out, like restaurant out, but out to my cousin's to celebrate my mom's 67th birthday. Most of the women of the family are watching their diets in some capacity, so there was plenty of the "right" foods to eat. But I also had a delicious multi-grain roll, and I had a tiny bit of cheese, and then a no-fat, no-sugar dairy dessert. Pudding and Cool Whip, basically.

That all would be fine, no doubt, but I swear all day since I have been jonesing like you would not believe for something, anything. I want to really eat, even though I have been eating some healthy foods that taste good.

So it was back to the darned jelly beans in my office, along with a handful of Hershey's kisses. I know, I need to get that crap out of sight so that I don't think about it for a while. Except, the kisses were tucked away in the cupboard. And I am sneaking these little "cheats" because I know my partner would dissuade me from them. Double crap.

This is NOT how I want to be. This is the kind of behavior that I want to be rid of once and for all. It's going to take time, I know. I am willing to give myself that time to work on it. I will not beat myself up over this, but I did want to document it in full disclosure to you and to myself. That's important to me.

So, to answer my question, "What's wrong with me?", well, I have no idea. Fear of success, maybe? I don't believe it has anything to do with willpower. It feels like compulsion when I have those cravings.

I'm going to call my practitioner tomorrow and see if she can offer any help with this. I have to do it. I have to get past it.

OK, OK

I was fairly pleased when I got on the scale today — only up a pound and a half, and still under 320. Yes, it sucks, but I was honestly expecting much worse. I've been able to stick with the program pretty well today and feel totally back and track physically and mentally.

The latter is SO important, isn't it?

Anyway, just reporting in. Hope all is well with you.

Off Day

Yep, I finally ran into an off day. It's almost as if I hit some sort of milestone that I feel obligated to sabotage myself or something. (I'm half-laughing about that.) It really wouldn't have been such a "bad" day except that I let my emotions get the best of me and reached for junk food to make myself feel better.

I had a lovely lunch out with my friend Jan, who is also an artist. She just had her 41st birthday, so it was sort of a birthday lunch, too. We went to a place right in town and the food was to die for, seriously. I did pretty well with my choices for the meal — mussels (albeit in a wine, mascarpone cheese and dijon broth) and a delicious salad of field greens and strawberries with a balsamic reduction and some sprinkles of goat cheese. Not exactly on plan, but aside from the cheeses, not too far off.

Then it was decided that we'd try some of the gelato they had to offer. Two flavors: Red Velvet and Cannoli. We got one of each to share, and it turns out that the servings were pretty substantial, unfortunately. I think I gave myself too much credit being able to deal with it, and ended up eating the whole serving. OK, I thought, I'll just have some veggies for dinner. No big deal, not really.

I did fine for the rest of the day and drank lots of water, and had just a small salad for dinner. A while after that, I got into a little spat with my partner about something stupid, headed upstairs to work at my desk, and where do you think my hand went to first? Right into the jellybeans, which really shouldn't have been there in the first place. Ugh. So stupid. I won't go into detail, but I also ended up going out to get a flash drive at K-Mart and then to the Burger King drive-thru. I was just having one of those nights, I guess. Angry about nothing and just wanting to eat. So that was that.

I am only regretful about how I ate in the latter part of the day. The lunch? It was phenomenal food, and aside from the gelato, not far off track. Jellybeans and Burger King are another story, though.

Anyway. I am sure the scale will show something awful tomorrow, but I feel secure knowing that I will get back on track right away and see more weight loss in no time. I was down another half pound today. I'll do it again, and again.

I will get there.

30 pounds!

Today's weight was 318.4... putting me at a 30-pound loss! Hooray.

I did have a bit more to eat than I have been prescribed, but I think it will be OK. I've been told in the past that if I get really hungry or want to eat more, it should be protein if possible. That's pretty much what I ended up doing today. For lunch, I had about 6oz. of chicken as opposed to the 3.5oz I should have had. I also squeezed in an extra Melba toast (gasp!). I considered eating just a nibble of meat for dinner, but had about 3.5oz. of a little steak plus a wee bit more veggies... roasted cauliflower, by the way. So tasty. And I did my steak in that delish balsamic vinegar I bought recently. I dress it with Lawry's salt and pepper, and minced garlic, then slap it into the sauté pan with no oil for a minute or two on each side to brown it. Then, it goes into the oven right in the pan for five to seven more minutes — I like my steak pretty rare, so this is ideal, and the balsamic caramelizes just enough. Oh my. It's good stuff.

I haven't yet talked about it, but it makes me so mad to hear how people talk about the way you have to eat on this program. On Dr. Oz's show, they literally had a plate of lame iceberg lettuce and some dull looking piece of meat and it looked so unappetizing! So people are all like, "Oh no, I can only eat lettuce!" So OK, maybe I am not as strict a follower of this thing as some people, but for goodness sake, throw some sliced onion or some cherry tomatoes in there and get some good balsamic to drizzle over it! Seriously, it's delicious. My meats are always very satisfying, too. Again, seasoning rules.

One thing I really do stray on is that for my roasted veggies (anything from broccoli to asparagus), I do drizzle just the slightest bit of olive oil on before I slide them into the oven. At first I tried them dry, then with some veggie broth, and I just felt like... mmmm... this is one thing that I will do my own way. I'm probably talking like a teaspoon of oil each time. Still, no oil means no oil, yet I am still getting amazing results so I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe I would lose even more, who knows? But this way I feel happier with what I am eating and not doing anything too horrible to get it that way.

I do want to stress again that I eat well! I would think it helps to be a fairly decent and imaginative cook at home — I do feel bad for someone who doesn't like to cook or doesn't know little tricks to doctor things up a bit, else this diet does seem really bland. That just hasn't been my experience, though. I laugh in the face of that plate of plain iceberg lettuce.

Please.

Breaking Barriers

Hooray!

I broke 320... weighed in at 319.4 this morning. What a feeling!

300, here I come! Chug chug chug chug chug.

Great!

That's how I feel. Great!

I'm on Day 3 of the diet phase and it is going way better than last time. I don't usually feel hungry, my meals always satisfy me, and I'm just like... on my way. That's all.

We won't talk about my weight much yet because after two load days, I gained more than a few pounds. At least three, but probably more like five — but I don't know for sure because I was too chicken to weigh myself on Day 1. This morning had me a few ounces more than my EOD (end of diet) weight, so I am definitely on the right track. I am expecting to be below that tomorrow, finally. Then I can just coast on down to 300 and beyond.

My partner said to me today that I seemed smaller. That's always nice, especially since I really haven't lost any more weight in the past few weeks (yet). I have read that people on this program experience a dramatic shift in their body shape sometimes, so maybe that is what's starting to happen. Either way, I'll take it.

I'm sitting here with a big thing of jelly beans on my desk, leftover from load days. They're OK. I'm not interested in dipping in. :)

Second Cycle!

Today was Day 1 of the second cycle I'm doing. This time, it's 24 days, and it's expected that I'll lose 25 pounds. That will put me firmly under 300 pounds, which is thrilling — I haven't been there since summer 2008 and never really was able to keep it under at that time. This time will be different, and it's exciting!

My two load days were not as enjoyable as I thought they'd be. It's almost as if my thinking about food, my desires, are already starting to shift. I found myself looking forward to starting up on the diet again, to be honest. I ate a lot of crap, but not as much as I thought I would, and I just didn't get that much pleasure out of it. Weird!

I'll be eating about the same as I did in my first diet cycle, but a tiny bit less. For lunch and dinner each 3.5 oz. of protein, 2 cups of veggies, 2 Melba toast, and one fruit. The other day I treated myself to a wonderful gourmet balsamic vinegar that makes salad and even just plain tomatoes something extra special, so that'll be nice. I've said this before, but I really like the structure I have when doing the diet phase, and not really having to think too much about what I'll be eating. I wonder if I'll have as hard of a time on certain days with cravings — I suspect not, or at least less so. Those were more psychological than anything anyway. Now I know that those foods I really wanted to eat during the last cycle are not "all that", so who knows. We'll see. I have a feeling that after several cycles, I might just break my problem with food at long last. Stay posted!

Oh, and a note about finishing up maintenance this last time: my final weigh-in before the load days was just ounces above my final diet weigh — perfect! Just where I wanted to be.

Going in to my second round with a really positive outlook. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to waving good-bye to the 300s!