Sunday, March 13, 2011

What Is Wrong With Me?

That's all I can ask myself at the moment.

I had a great day yesterday, food-wise. I had a nice lunch and, to be honest, did not eat dinner. I drank lots of water. I dropped three pounds. 316.6 this morning, totally chuffed!

I seem to be having a problem with going out for now. Today wasn't technically out, like restaurant out, but out to my cousin's to celebrate my mom's 67th birthday. Most of the women of the family are watching their diets in some capacity, so there was plenty of the "right" foods to eat. But I also had a delicious multi-grain roll, and I had a tiny bit of cheese, and then a no-fat, no-sugar dairy dessert. Pudding and Cool Whip, basically.

That all would be fine, no doubt, but I swear all day since I have been jonesing like you would not believe for something, anything. I want to really eat, even though I have been eating some healthy foods that taste good.

So it was back to the darned jelly beans in my office, along with a handful of Hershey's kisses. I know, I need to get that crap out of sight so that I don't think about it for a while. Except, the kisses were tucked away in the cupboard. And I am sneaking these little "cheats" because I know my partner would dissuade me from them. Double crap.

This is NOT how I want to be. This is the kind of behavior that I want to be rid of once and for all. It's going to take time, I know. I am willing to give myself that time to work on it. I will not beat myself up over this, but I did want to document it in full disclosure to you and to myself. That's important to me.

So, to answer my question, "What's wrong with me?", well, I have no idea. Fear of success, maybe? I don't believe it has anything to do with willpower. It feels like compulsion when I have those cravings.

I'm going to call my practitioner tomorrow and see if she can offer any help with this. I have to do it. I have to get past it.


  1. Whenever I have a big loss I have the urge to eat. The way I see it there are two people within me - one wants to be fat, the other wants to be thinner. I have let the fat one win for years so she panics when the losses are big.

    There are lots of emotions that come up as you lose weight. Sometimes you have to just let them sit within you - just feel them and don't react. After a while they go away.

    You are in a battle you know - between who you were and who you are. Acknowledge the past but don't live within it. xxx

  2. Wow, Claire, if that doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does. Thank you for that comment – I really needed to hear something along those lines... xoxo

    By the way, where are you located in England? I will hopefully be coming over in October for my first international solo show in Weston-super-Mare.