MIA

I just realized that I haven't checked in since Sunday... how can that be true? Here we are at Wednesday already!

Well, truthfully, I have been having a hard time and have not been eating the way I should be. For some reason, compulsive feelings have been plaguing me for the past week or so, and I just decided to give in, I guess. Generally what happens is I'll have a "bad" day, then be super austere the next day (and lose any of the weight I gained), then get back to feeling those feelings again. I'm still holding at just around 316, which is good, but honestly I should be way past that by now. I'm too busy futzing around and fearing success, apparently. Ridiculous.

Yesterday I was on the road all day — I made a five and half hour drive to Potsdam to do an artist's talk at the gallery where I have a show of my paintings on the SUNY campus there. The last time I made the trip, I brought healthy snacks and a lot of water, and we had dinner out and it was fine. This time, I wasn't as well prepared and only had water and two apples with me, not to mention the compulsive urges. That meant two bad meals (two different fast food restaurants, ugh!), two apples, and lots of water. Believe me, my body did not like that at all. For the last two or three hours of the five and a half hour drive home (I did a round trip in one day!), my stomach doth protested indeed! I felt like I was going to hurl, it came in waves. Fortunately, I made it home without incident but man! Ouch. Lesson learned, right?

Ha. Well, I didn't suffer on the scale at all really this morning since my body pretty much rejected the food — I won't get into any more detail than that. Did I learn my lesson, though? No. No, I didn't. I ended up gorging again today, and I really don't know why. All I can tell you is that I feel bad about it and that I am looking forward to some healthy eating again tomorrow (and hopefully the next day, and the next), and lots of water for the rest of the evening. Blegh.

As I as have said previously, I just don't know why I do stuff like this when it doesn't really even feel good. Junk food doesn't really even taste that great anymore, but there is something about the experience of eating it that makes me want it anyway. It's the strangest thing! I like the bright taste of healthy, fresh foods much more, so I just can't figure this out. Maybe it is just bad habits — ones that are lifelong? No doubt there is some psychology involved, too, but either way it's frustrating as hell.

I mean, I am pretty close to my first big goal of getting below 300 pounds! With the program I'm on, it should happen quickly, too! I have received a lot of positive feedback from friends, family, and my partner in the past few days, which has been great, but I wonder if getting such encouragement is actually bad for me? That it makes me overconfident or cocky? Like, "Oh! I am doing enough!" There is still so far to go, though, and I need to keep that in mind.

Like, the other day I went to Target to see about getting a new shirt for my talk. What a sad experience that was, as I am sure many of you can relate to. My feeling was, Wow. I've lost over 30 pounds and I still don't see a big difference in the way my body looks in the dressing room mirror, and I still don't fit into most of the clothes here. I walked away with new socks and new Converse One-Star slip-ons (really love, by the way!). When you're really fat, at least you can get new socks and shoes, I guess.

I tried on some pants and jeans that I've had tucked away unwearable for quite a while now, and good news on that front: some fit comfortably now, and others are 10-15 pounds away. I'm telling you, that 300 pound weight is magic for me. I NEED to get there.

Well, the best I can say for today is that I am happy I've written this all out. It did make me feel a little better and I know that I will get back on track. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter how long it takes me to get where I want to go, as long as I keep trying.