Friday, February 5, 2016

Grieving and Bingeing

Bad news today.

Our oldest cat, Alistair, who was just a month short of 16, passed away this morning at home. He had been in decline the past month or so, and yesterday his breathing started getting labored. My partner called me home early from work and we were able to have a last nice evening together with him. He seemed happy and was purring, but obviously becoming weaker and weaker. This morning he was worse until...

We've had him in our family since he (and my relationship with my partner) was about six months old, so this is a really tough loss.

Alistair cat, 2000–2016.
It was rough. I was able to do what needed to be done, though. (Is this what real adulting is like?) But, the stress and emotion was overwhelming, and true to form, the first thing I wanted to do once his affairs were in order was to eat and eat and eat.

Last year I had little setbacks with the loss of an old friend as well as my uncle. I'm determined that with this, I can get back to normal eating for the rest of the day and definitely tomorrow. 

I hope it doesn't seem too weird that I'm sitting here writing in my blog about my food issues, but honestly – it's a way for me to deal with the loss, I guess. It feels weird to me, too. I'm sure a lot of people go through this sort of thing and I think it will be helpful to share. I'll even go so far as to tell you what I ate today between 2pm and 5:30pm.

• A 2-liter bottle of diet soda (I drink water 90% of the time)
• Three slices of deep-dish pizza (though more like thick-crusted, not Chicago-style)
• A pint of ice cream
• Most of a regular-sized bag of cheddar cheese popcorn
• A couple handfuls of Cheetos

Ugh. Of course it didn't make me feel any better, except for the first delicious bites of any of it. Beyond that, it was fairly mindless shoveling and just feeling sorry for myself. I tell you what, I don't have the desire to continue in this mode, so hopefully I'll be good and just be with my feelings without trying to numb them with food. Drinks, not so sure... I may still have a couple.

Anyway. That's all for now. I think I took myself back a couple weeks with this episode, but I will still not give up. 

I'm so, so sad.


  1. :( I'm so sorry about the loss of Alistair--it's so hard to lose a pet! We lost our 13yo cat last year unexpectedly (woke up to find he'd passed during the night), and it was so so hard! You binged, but don't beat yourself up about it (or try not to, at least); it happened, and it's over.

    Do you keep a written journal? One of the biggest things that helps me avoid a binge is to write it down. When I feel binge-y, I turn to the journal instead, and 9 times out of 10, the urge passes by the time I'm done writing. Sometimes I still choose to eat something totally unhealthy, but by then it's MY choice, not just a knee-jerk reaction to the situation.

    1. Belated thanks, Christina. A month later, I still miss him so, so much, but it is getting easier. xo

  2. So sorry for your loss, they really are members of the family. Sending good thoughts and a reminder to lift up with the good memories.

    1. Belated thanks, Wendy! We still miss him so much now, but it has gotten easier. xo