Lately.

Since I last wrote, I have mixed feels. On one side, hopeful and grateful; on the other, completely devastated and ground down and unable to do anything.

I told you that I scheduled an appointment with my GP on Friday. Well, I went, and I am so glad I did. That man, Dr. Sonjoy Singh, is one of the most compassionate and kind and supportive people I have ever encountered and I feel so very lucky to have him on my side.

Basically, aside from the weight gain, it was all pretty good news. My blood pressure is still a bit high as I suspected, but nothing was said to me about it (Well, the nurse said, "Not too bad!" It was 140/80, if you were curious. When I was in the 270s last time I was at the doc, it was completely normalized in the 120s). My blood work was still all in the normal range! I was really happy about that and felt lucky more than anything. One thing that was noted was that my thyroid levels were borderline low, so doc wants me to have another blood test in about three months to see if it's just a blip, which is often the case, or something that needs to be looked at more closely. He said that it is something that could be contributing to weight gain and depression symptoms... though since this is the first time it's shown up, maybe not. I guess we'll see!

Another thing that we talked about was my depression as of late, which includes my frustration and sadness about my weight gain, and what to do about it. For the first time maybe ever I am relieved to have been prescribed medicine that I will take on a regular basis – he is trying Bupropion on me, to treat both the depression and to possibly aid what I described to him as a "voracious" need to eat lately. Bupropion (also known as Wellbutrin) has been known to give you a little more energy, lift your mood, and for some people, diminish appetite. So I'll be really interested to see how it works for me and will keep you posted once I start taking it tomorrow.

That gives me hope, like a little yellow life raft in a big, raucous sea of chaos and stress. I won't go into it here, but there are several factors (including things much bigger than you and me!) contributing to this and I have more or less just been trying to hang on to my sanity.

In fact, when my doctor first walked into the exam room and asked cheerily how I am doing, it took all of a minute for the waterworks to start. I didn't really know how much I'd been keeping locked up inside me – basically I've been trying to hold myself together, like I said. So when I felt like I was really able to open up to someone and be completely honest about how I was doing, well... I bawled for several minutes while he listened patiently.

We ended up having a great chat and I left the office looking somewhat forward to the next three months, and what I could potentially achieve for myself during that time. Thank you, Dr. Singh.

Physical therapy was going well. My leg has been mostly feeling better already. But the very early morning appointments are killing me, and with the other stuff going on in my life right now I just can't do it, not this week anyway; same with gym appointments. So my plan is to continue doing the PT exercises I've already been given on my own, see how I feel next week... and I may try to meet up with Rick on Wednesday just because. But today, I just can't do it. It was triumph enough to get myself up and off to work. I feel totally flattened.