Poison

Listen, things have felt impossible lately. Truly. I've been so frustrated with myself, but apparently not enough to really try to change how I've been behaving.

I guess I will start with the positives, because there are some:

• I started going to PT to get my leg fixed up. Turns out it's my hamstring and probably the sciatic nerve causing me trouble, so it'll be appointments twice a week for 4–6 weeks. I'm so grateful it's not something more serious. I've only been to two appointments so far and already the exercises (stretching and strength) are kicking my butt – but also making it feel better, too! I also asked Steve, my physical therapist, whether it is just ridiculous for someone like me (i.e. my size) to even try to run or do the things I want to (like the half marathon in October). He said, no, definitely not, but that it would really benefit me to continue to work on my fitness, and that yes, weight loss would help (though he seemed hesitant to say that straight out despite my encouragement, that was the gist). And that I have to train smart, of course – NOT overdo it like I did at the Winter Warrior race. It's obvious that six miles, whether walking or running, whether divvied up into two segments, was just too much for me at that point.

That made me feel better. Kind of. It means I am in control of my fate – which I suppose is always true, but still.

• I got my blood drawn for testing ahead of my annual physical with my GP tomorrow. Hopefully the test results come in before my appointment. I am really curious to see if things have taken a backslide and if so, how much. It is my hope that a chat with the doc and some cold, hard facts might not snap me back into taking better care of myself again. I have a feeling that my blood pressure will be up again, just because of my stress levels affected by things at home but also in our cruel, cruel world. It is no secret to anyone who knows me how freaked out I am about the turn of events in our country. It's a lot to worry about! It's true that I have kept up with a decent activity level, and that I meditate pretty regularly these days, but I don't know if that's enough to counteract the other factors and my poor eating as of late. I guess we'll find out tomorrow!

I'm not sure what else to say about what's going on with me that won't sound like rehash. It's just all rehash of the crappiest crap I have posted about before. Weight-wise, I'm probably headed straight for 310 which pisses me the F off.

Ha! I say it like I am an innocent bystander who has no control of the outcome. I also say it like it's inevitable and even permanent.

It's not! Of course it isn't. I don't want this for myself, and I can stop it.

Here's why I want to lose weight again, not gain it:

• I don't want to outgrow my clothes. I refuse to buy bigger ones again, and I already tossed all my too-big clothes. (Smart move, I'd say!!!)

• I. Want. To. Run. I want to run more easily and safely and fun-ly.

I don't have to lose 100 pounds to have these things. At this point, losing just 20 pounds would put me in a good place. 20 pounds, if I do things right, would just fall off me.

That's why this is all so ridiculous. Every day I have a choice to make about how I am going to treat myself, how I am going to honor my body. Lately, every day, I choose crap and I choose to (what feels like) poison myself. I stuff myself beyond what my body needs.

I'm really not sure what it is going to take to get back to a good place again. I'm really hoping the support of my doctor will help. I will continue exercising at least 3–4 times a week, and I will continue meditating and trying to calm myself the F down already.

Please, will you think good thoughts for me? If you regularly read but never comment, I sure would appreciate a shout out today. Thanks in advance, my dears.