Baby Steps

So, I've been sort of doing Flylady the past week or so. Nothing too hard core on my part, really -- just doing the making the bed first thing in the morning, and keeping the sink shiny (so nice!). These are small changes, but she really emphasizes making small changes a bit at a time only, so that they're more likely to become habits that are easy to keep up. I'm getting there. Tonight I set my alarm for 15 minutes and cleaned the bathroom, which I hate to say really needed it.

I did in fact go for a walk last evening. Holy cow, what an eye-opener! I did ten minutes and that was enough. It was just about all I could do, really. So sad to think about where I was a year ago. Or even more so, two years ago. But there's no sense in looking back. There's only now and the future. I did something, though, and that is what is important. Tonight, the cleaning qualified as exercise. I sweated enough to prove it, honestly.

Today I tried to make some small changes, continuing to remind myself that I don't have to do it all at once. I had a yogurt and whole wheat toast for breakfast and drank some water; for lunch I was back at Subway but decided no more meatball marinara any more. I had roast beef with red vinegar and the usual host of vegetables; one concession I did not make was to have cheese on it. I grabbed a bag of baked Lay's and, for the first time in a while, a diet soda. Somehow I had gotten into the habit of drinking regular soda, and that is something that is not hard for me to abstain from, so abstain I did. The rest of the day I had more water. Ultimately, I'd like to get back to all water again, except maybe at dinner.

Speaking of which, I honestly set out to make a relatively healthy meal. I bought scallops and asparagus. I had decided to make a risotto. Actually, the asparagus risotto was not too bad until I added a handful of asiago cheese to it at the end (which it probably didn't even need, it was so creamy), and the poor scallops, I baked them in some butter with a bread crumb topping.

*sigh* Well, I still consider it a good day looking toward change. Tomorrow's another day, we'll see what I can do then.

The Obsession

That's what I have with food and eating: an obsession.

It's sad to admit, but I probably look forward to eating more than most other things in life right now. I don't know why.

I almost always indulge my cravings. I'm doing all sorts of things I don't know why I am doing. Then, I curse myself as I struggle to get up from the couch, or to TCB in the bathroom.

I don't know what I am doing. One thing I do know is that I will take a walk this evening. That is my promise to you, even if it just for 10 minutes. I'm confident I'll be able to do much more, but at this point I guess you never know.

I've been going through alternating wearing two pairs of pants, they're all I have that fit right now. One pair is some jeans that I thought I retired from public use last summer, when they were my official gardening and getting dirty pants. I've also used them to paint in and it shows. And I'm wearing these to work, for shame -- hoping no one will notice. That I am invisible from the waist down somehow.

Something's got to give. I see that, so do you.

Day Two

Reflection. That's what I've been up to. Dealing with my cumbersome body, avoiding mirrors even.

I don't know, I don't have much to say today. I actually almost forgot that I committed to write here regularly again! Baby steps.

One thing I did do is tell a friend who lives across the country and who is training to run a marathon that if she decided to go for the whole thing (she was debating doing the half instead), that I would start walking again. She accepted my challenge, so now it's something I've got to do... well, it's something I really needed to do anyway, so. I don't want to go back on my promise to her, and I owe it to myself to do it, too. That's something.

When I am going to start? Good question. I suppose tomorrow's as good a day as any, but I don't know. That's the best I can do right now... unless someone wants to kick my butt?

Back to Basics

OK, so... I am nowhere near getting anything accomplished in this area of my life. But I know I need to, and soon. I am on a keen downward spiral when it comes to my health and well-being. I'm treating my body like a garbage disposal. Isn't that sad?

It really feels impossible to break out of this funk. Sure, I've done it before so technically I know I can, but this time around? I feel like someone dropped me out of a plane into the middle of nowhere with no compass or resources. It's scary.

I have a partner who also wants to start eating better and lose some weight. He is totally on board with it. But it's really up to me, because I'm the one who buys all the food, and lately when I go to the store, I find myself grabbing at least a few "treats". At work, I'm stopping off in the mornings for drive-through crap for breakfast, and I've somehow become addicted to meatball parmesan subs at Subway lately. Used to be I'd always get the roast beef and loved it. Not sure what happened there.

I decided yesterday that I would start writing here every day about whatever was floating around my head related to eating and my body. It's something. It's self-awareness at the very least.

Once in a while, now that the weather has broken into spring for the most part, I envision myself out there walking around the neighborhood again. I picture myself getting strong. Now? Walking up the stairs makes my knees hurt. How the heck did I get back to this state? Seriously!

Today is start. I'm not saying that today I am working on my eating. I already made a trip to Dunkin' Donuts. (I got a small strawberry Coolatta and three donuts, in case you were wondering.)

First thing is first. To get back out there walking, I need some clothes. No, really. You would not believe how beat up most of the wardrobe I am able to fit into now is. The pants I used to wear for walks and runs... ech. No shirts. I need a new hoodie. It's the only way I see myself getting out there again.

I'll put that on my list: new workout gear. That'll be a priority.

The good news is that for the first time EVER I have my finances in order. I'm also totally serious. Really. This is a huge thing for me and it does give me hope about my body stuff, because I always linked my eating issues with my money issues. What happened was that I started keeping my check register and wrote down all my debit card purchases along with any (rare) checks I wrote. Doing this enabled me to see exactly how much money I had at any given time, and helped me to avoid overdraft fees. Before that, I never had a clue as to how much money I really had available, and I was always hit with overdraft fees. It was pretty ridiculous. I feel like I owe my life to the bank officer who suggested that I start using a register back in August. For real.

That wasn't all, though. I was still struggling paycheck to paycheck. In January, I got another job. An additional job. It's a great one—teaching online—so I can work from home, and do it anytime I want to. To start, it increased my income by 50%; starting in April I'll be getting a full workload from them which means that, for as long as I can stand it, I'll be making almost double my salary at my day job. It's going to be a lot of work, for sure, but I'm going to double time it for as long as I can just to really get myself in a good place financially. I am still catching up with old past due bills, but I am almost out of the woods on that. Soon, all the extra money I make can go toward savings. I still owe my mom some money that I will work on paying back (though she said to take my time, so I will take her up on that), and of course the perennial student loans I'll likely be paying off for the rest of my life.

Point is, I've worked hard to get myself out of a bad financial situation. If I can do that, surely I can get myself out of a bad health situation? I know it will take hard work, and time, and sweat, but surely, SURELY I can do that, too.

Even in Second Life

So, I am actually pretty unhappy with myself.

I don't feel good being this heavy. It's not so much about looks as it is about physical comfort. I've talked about this before. At this weight, I really feel my heaviness. Gravity is doing its duty.

I think about how I've destroyed my body in some ways. Outwardly, my skin is stretched beyond capacity. Inside, my organs surely be suffocating beneath all the extra fatty tissue. Thankfully I can still move around easily, but do worry about fitting into chairs or booths in public places, and it is hard for me to put on socks and tie my shoes. The bathroom in various ways can sometimes be a challenge. This is no way to live.

I am a compulsive eater, and a secret eater. I certainly overeat most of the time. When I eat, it often feels like a desperate act, as if I can't get the food in my mouth fast enough (though, funny enough, I am often the slowest eater in a group, so maybe this is just an inner perception). I do enjoy food, but sometimes I eat something just because I know it is there and I just can't stand that it's there. Lately, a friend of mine on LiveJournal has been writing about her experience with Overeaters Anonymous, and it keeps gnawing at me. I've tried OA in the past—just once, really, some years ago when I don't I was really ready to make such a big change in my life—but didn't like it, or couldn't deal with it. Now at this stage of my life I wonder if I should give it another try. I need the help. One of the things that always puts me off about the 12-step programs is the submission to a higher power, but my friend is also a non-believer and has been able to frame it in such a way that is acceptable for her.

The other day, I visited the OA website to see about meeting locations and times. I noticed that you can attend online meetings, and one of the options was to go to Second Life and attend group there. I've been to SL before but decided to make up a new character and check things out. I wanted to be honest about myself to others and so designed my character, or avatar, to reflect how I look in real life—very fat, among other things.

It's amazing. I was poking around some location with my fat avatar (and by the way, I still don't really see the point of SL entirely), and as I walked into the area immediately someone commented, "Someone needs to go on a diet!" I was pretty shocked, but I suppose I shouldn't have been. Under the cloak of anonymity, it is much easier for people to say what is really on their minds and so this person, who had themselves dolled up as an Amazonian-like supermodel type in a flowing ballgown (no kidding!), was no exception—though I'd be really interested to see what they looked like IRL. I approached her and asked, "What's so bad about being fat?" and her response was, "Well, first of all, it is very unhealthy." At that point I kind of sighed and realized that no response I could have made would have made a difference, so after telling her, "I ran a 5K last year! Don't always judge by appearances!", I flew away. (Yes, you can do that in SL, which is very nice.)

But the whole exchange got me thinking. And made me sad. There's so much for me to say about this but it's all a big nasty tangle in my head right now. It's really too bad that all fat people get put into this "unhealthy" pigeonhole, or are seen with disgust by many. I mean, it's true that right now? I am, in fact, probably pretty unhealthy, but not too long ago that was not the case. I mean, look, I'm not going to say that having a large population of people in America overweight and obese is a good thing, but it is also not, like, the end of the world like some like to make it out to be.

And how funny is it that in the past, being fat was a status symbol? It showed that you could afford to feed yourself and your family well. Those who were thin were the people who didn't eat enough and who performed hard labor to survive. Of course, these days things are much different, but it makes you really question, Is this all just a matter of context and perception? Is fat really so bad? Why should we feel ashamed to be fat?

I want to make it clear that I am NOT ashamed of who I am and what I look like. My issue with being this fat is purely personal and a matter of physical comfort. Perhaps some people who are even bigger than me feel just fine, and I say, good for them! Others who are half my size feel the same way I do. All I know is that feeling like my body is a cage rather than a temple has really been getting me down... but somehow the desire to eat what I want keeps trumping that. After 30 years of on and off dieting/lifestyle changes/etc., I just want to know how to get some weight off (OK, I pretty much know how) and keep it off (not so much), and make peace with that inner self who just can't get enough (totally not at all, yet).

(Almost) back where I started

Hello.

I am here again. I think I'm going to stay this time.

Thing is, I knew that gained a lot of weight back in recent months. I even figured that I probably weighed more than ever before. I'm down to one pair of wearable pants that are suitable for work. This sucks.

I finally decided to get new batteries for my scale, and I changed them out last night, weighed this morning.

Turns out I was actually happy! 343.8.

I know. WOW. But at the same time, I was seriously thinking that I was in the 360s or something, so this made me very happy. I am still under my highest weight ever, but closing in. 350's not that far away. But hopefully it will never be so close again.

Other areas of my life (yes, my life is sort of in segments: the weight segment, the money segment, the work segment, the relationship segment, etc. etc. ad infinitum) have been pretty good lately. I actually have a better handle on my money than I ever have before in my life, and that is HUGE for me... nearly as huge as if I had gotten a similar handle on my weight. So I am thinking, surely I can do the weight thing now that the money thing is under control?

Anyway, I plan to weigh every day for the data (Physics Diet), drink more water, and eat less in general. I'm still thinking about going to the gym while I still have a membership there. It expires in May, but by that time the weather will be fine for walking and running outside again.

I refuse to give up, no matter how many times I have to come back here and do this.

New Year. New Me?

Hi hi. Here I am.

I LOVE the new year... fresh starts and resolutions and all that. I'm a total sucker for it. I daresay that I am ready for change across the board. There's all kinds of things in the works that I won't detail here (mainly because nothing is yet set in stone), but there may be indeed some major changes taking place in my life in 2010.

Getting back to healthier habits is among them, as ever.

So, I bet you're wondering what I've been doing so far this fair 2010?

Not much, really. The scale's battery died again, so I can't check in to see how much damage has been done in the past few months. I can kind of guess based on my clothes and just how I feel overall, and that would put me close to where I started two years ago, at 350 pounds. Bummer.

One good thing is that I think I have lost a pound or two in the past couple weeks, though not really on purpose; just that we're dead broke until next Wednesday and we're parsing out our stock of food in the meantime. So, trying to eat less, smaller portions overall. It's been going OK, but the whole exercise makes me itchy. It's nerve-wracking having less than $5 in your bank account to last you almost two weeks (we've made it through a few days already).

Whatever works, I guess. It's getting me into the right mind set. We don't have to be gluttons and still be satisfied with what we eat. And C. and I have definitely been gluttonous in the past few months, like monsters. Indulging whatever food whims we have, whenever.

So it is sort of a good feeling to be more... austere with our eating. The only bad thing about having so little money on hand has been that veggies and fruits kind of go to the wayside, and we've stocked up on various meats (chicken, pork, ground beef -- all on sale), plus other cheap and versatile staples, like pasta, bread and pizza dough (some homemade), potatoes, eggs, etc. Whatever keeps us satiated for a decent length of time. I'd like to reconsider this and figure out, when we have more funds and feel "safe", how to incorporate more healthy foods into a very small budget. While we won't always be in this financial situation, it is still good to learn how to be as resourceful as possible. Obviously. I've been working on this for as long as I've been working on my body issues, albeit with way more success. Sure, we're broke at the moment, but I have learned to track my spending and avoid bank overdrafts (a revelation!). That was a huge coup in 2009... so there is obviously hope for me yet.

Next payday I plan to get a new battery for the scale. I like tracking the data, as you probably know. I may or may not be as obsessive about it. I'd like not to be. In the meantime, I would still like to get my body to the gym and at least spend 15 or 20 minutes on the treadmill, at least once. Once a week to start.

*sigh*

I don't ever give up on this, which I think is very important. I still have faith in myself that I will finally find a total life system that will work for me. Each year that I invest in trying gets me that much closer. I've learned some things that work, some that don't. I take what I need and leave the rest. I'm giving myself time. I'm not on a deadline.

I'm not even sure I'll set a weight loss goal for myself this year. Rather, I'd like to be able to tie my shoes while easily bending over, how's that?

Sounds like something so little, so insignificant, but I tell you: It's HUGE. It will be huge when I can do that again.

Wish me luck!

Back from the dead

Hi hi readers. Anyone still there?

I wouldn't be surprised if not.

Well, anyway. I have a feeling that I may be getting back to business soon. I've been feeling so physically uncomfortable and blah, and I know I have gained so much weight back. This is really not how I want to be. I want to feel vibrant and full of energy and able to bend over without having a hard time. You know what I mean?

I think I may go the route of starting fresh at the new year, which gives me a few more days to plan and prepare myself to get back on track into a healthier lifestyle.

2010 seems to hold a lot of promise and I want to be able to keep up with myself. I don't want anything getting in the way of more success and happiness. Taking a load off might be helpful.

I hope this finds you all well and ready to face a new decade! I say, bring it on!

xoxoxo Amy

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi again everyone,

I hope this post finds you well and thankful in advance of the Thanksgiving holiday (for us American bloggers, anyway) tomorrow. Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday, as I enjoy cooking the delicious meal as much as I enjoy eating it. This year there is just three of us for dinner, so it will be a little less elaborate than in past years, but it will be yummy nonetheless. And I will be thankful for all I have—family, cats, health, a job, a roof over my head, wheels to get me places, etc.

So maybe you're wondering what I have been up to, or how I have been doing? I'm sorry that I went AWOL yet again. Things have been... difficult lately, at least on this health and fitness front. Basically, I am sad to say, I haven't been doing anything to improve myself. I've gained even more weight back (don't know exactly how much since the scale died again, but I was up to 332 the last time I weighed), I haven't exercised, and I even took up smoking a pipe (just occasionally, not like all the time, but still I know it is not the best habit to pick up). I'm kind of food obsessed again. I don't really even know quite how to put it into words. It's pretty terrible, but at the same time I'm apathetic about it.

Things aren't so bad that I don't have any clothes to wear, but they've definitely become more snug, and there are jeans I've grown out of. I know I need to nip this and soon. I do see myself coming back. I really, really do.

I have a gym membership that is good through May, and I plan to start using it again, probably before I even take any steps to alter my eating habits again. In my experience, if I start exercising, the good eating habits follow in short order, so that is my plan.

When, you may ask? I want to commit to Monday, and I am going to ask my gym buddy if she will join me for some moral support. In fact, I am going to ask her right this very moment so that I don't bail on that idea.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, and look forward to posting here regularly again! I am thankful for you all who read this.

Here I am!

I have so much to say, but I don't have the time at the moment... I will be back later today to fill you in on the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I just wanted to say that the comments I've been getting here and there asking where I am and whether I will be back really hearten me, so thanks. You might just save me from myself.

x's and o's to all...