Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Reality Check

Phew, OK. Back up to 314.4, which is fine and slightly expected. I didn't overeat yesterday by any stretch (may have even under-ate a tad), but what I did eat was probably laden in sodium: McDonald's for breakfast (a yogurt parfait and a sausage burrito), Half a turkey sub from Subway for lunch, and spaghetti with jarred veggie tomato sauce for dinner. No snacking, lots of water. But I've got TOM, which I know doesn't help, either.

No matter. I am still thrilled with how the past week or so has been going, even without exercise. I am feeling good, very confident, and excited about my future in many ways—not the least of which in my weight loss. Soon I'll be below 310, which is the weight I started at six years ago when I lost almost 60 pounds! I remember thinking how HUGE 310 is (well, it is, but less huge than 350) and how bad I felt when I first started out. I guess it's all relative! I know I feel better today at 314 than I did back then at 310... which is not to say that I can't wait to see 250 again, when I felt REALLY good. I can't even begin to fathom 200 at this point, to be honest. When I get there, I get there. No doubt it will feel awesome, too!

I don't want to look back and regret, but really—what a shame that I wasn't able to keep that weight loss off back then, and just kept going! It's the reason why I really believe that this time (which I consider to be from January 2008 on) is going to be it. I know that got off track for a few months and have had to back track, but I have never before stayed committed to this kind of journey so long before in my life! It's been over a year and a half now and I've never really fully given up on it. I have never—repeat: NEVER not gained all the weight I have lost and MORE before. Case in point: Went from 310 to 250-ish, only to end up at 350 several years later. (And believe me, this has gone on most of my life, literally—can you imagine all the stress my body has been through?) Yes, this is the first time when I started gaining back that I actually caught myself and got back on track.

I am so proud of that. And however many times I have to pick myself back up after a slip, I will. I am determined to meet my goals!

Let me talk about that a bit. I don't think I have really outlined my goals here, mainly because I just wanted to get myself into a healthy routine again and didn't really prioritize reaching a certain weight or anything else. Part of that is because I do have so much to lose; it can feel really overwhelming and like this impossible task to continually remind myself that I have well over 100 pounds to lose, still.

But let me really think about this now, because I sort of feel like facing up to the idea of those numbers.

Here is a photo of me at a weight that I think I would be perfectly happy with, probably just over 200 pounds, I am guessing. This was back circa 1996 or so? I try to date photos of myself with hairstyles, so I think that is about right. I'm the one in the middle, in case you couldn't figure it out. Please forgive my apparent inability to fully button my cardigan back then. :)

Here's another one, a few years earlier, about 1991. I'd guess I weighed about the same, 200 or so? (I'm the one in front, of course.)

I obviously still have curves. I am, by nature, a big girl. Seriously, though, I think 200 isn't so bad on me. Of course... we'll see how it looks on (the future) 40 year old me vs. the 26 or 21 year old me.

Anyway, so what I am trying to say is that for now, I'm shooting for 200 pounds. Or, just under so that there is a "1" at the beginning of my weight, as dumb as that sounds. Once I get there, I will re-assess how I look and feel at the time, but for now, that seems like a perfectly fine goal to me. And it's only 114 pounds away! I don't know if I will get there for my 40th birthday (June 2010), but I can try.


  1. It's always so fun when you post old pictures; the hairstyles! I could never be so adventurous.

    I'm super impressed by your goals and the way you are going about them. I know you may feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I feel overwhelmed by the same number that you've already lost! You go, girl!

  2. I'm glad I amuse you, Jessica! ;) I bet all you youngsters (when you were my student, or now, whatever) never imagined I actually used to be cool way back when, ha ha!

    Though I have certainly seen other people do it very successfully, I just can't seem to get my cool on while I am so heavy. All my cool got buried beneath a thick layer of fat, and it is just waiting to be liberated!

  3. I don't look as good NOW as you did at 200 or so! :) Curves are a good thing, in my opinion.

    It's difficult not to look back and sometimes difficult to avoid focusing too far into the future. I think you strike the right balance!

  4. Isn't it so odd when we reflect back on the 'old us' which may be much smaller than the current us, and recall that back then we thought we were sooo large! And right now we would looooove to be that 'large'! Does that make sense?

    THIS time you have a group of cheerleaders cheering you on!

  5. Cammy, thanks! I think curves are excellent, too.

    Chrissy, I totally get what you mean. I'm always saying that to myself. Back then, I had no idea. So sad. I was always comparing myself to other people, which just kills you. You're right -- I do love my cheerleaders! You guys really keep me going.