Wednesday, April 22, 2015

What Day Is It?

I keep thinking it's Thursday, but it's Wednesday! Argh.

It's been an OK day. I've been feeling a lot better aches and pain-wise since I started doing yoga again. I'm following along Adriene's 30 Days of Yoga, and since these are a little on the shorter side 15-30 minutes depending, it's much easier to get done. I know that if they were longer sessions it might not be so easy for me to get started, especially early in the morning like I've been doing. They are just right to get my blood flowing and the sweat pouring.

Today was Day 5 for me, and it went well though it did feel challenging at times, as yoga usually is for me. However, the feelings I have after each session are memorable enough that I keep coming back and I keep pushing through the rough patches – just like how I do when I'm running.

I topped that off with the additional hip-friendly yoga poses I mentioned yesterday (man, I love me some Happy Baby! It's certainly not the most dignified pose, but it feels incredible), and then did a round of 7-minute workout. On my lunch break at work, I took a quick just over a mile walk in the park and I'm set for today.

Eating-wise, well, I'm starting to feel like a broken record. My mistake today was that I let myself get too hungry for lunch. I had an errand to run beforehand and then took the walk, so by the time I ate lunch at my desk I was, in the words of Larry David, pretty pretty pretty pretty hungry.

The result was that I found myself at Subway again (!) getting a meatball sub, a small bag of Doritos and three cookies. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I seem to get in these ruts, and this one is a doozy. Blergh. So there is that. And it's Wednesday, which is free bagel day at work, so that is standard for breakfast: an everything bagel and two schmears of cream cheese. I also had fresh raspberries.

By the way, that's it. Subway is off the list for now. No Subway for at least a month. I conquered McDonald's, and now Jared better watch out.

So now I am facing dinner and not really wanting to deal with it. If I lived by myself, I'd probably abstain as I have a tendency to do – I prefer eating more earlier in the day. But, I will likely have a nibble of something so I can sit and eat at the table with my partner, who tends to eat more at dinnertime.


Can I also just talk about an issue that I have not yet outgrown?

I still feel really self-conscious when I eat lunch at my desk. It doesn't matter whether I am eating something "respectable" like a nice salad, or whether I am mowing down on said meatball sub and Doritos and cookies. I admit it, I kind of worry about what my gym-rat, almond and rice cake-eating colleagues think when they see me eat. Like maybe that I am a fat, disgusting pig who is especially gross for eating that kind of food.

Ha! But do you see what I did here? I think it's called projection. Because I am sitting here thinking about what they are eating, and I am sitting there thinking those thoughts about myself. Double projection, even. The reality is that they probably don't pay any attention to how I am stuffing my face, or with what. Still, I worry. I have been a secret eater for many years and while I am mostly better about it these days, I still have a certain level of anxiety eating what and how I want in front of others, no matter who it is. It's especially magnified at work, though. Said co-workers are much younger and have never been anything close to fat in their lives. It's a little nerve-wracking for someone like me who has had such a problem with body image for most of her life. At almost 45 years old, though, it's kind of silly. It feels really silly to write this out at all, but I'm leaving it. I'm putting it out there because I seriously doubt that I am the only who feels this way.

Yeah, it's one of my things. It sucks.

So much work still left to go. Not just pounds-wise.

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