Sisyphus or Something

Where to begin? How about with my usual dose of honesty?

I'm pretty sad tonight. I'm just really disappointed in myself and frustrated and all that stuff.

That said, I had a pretty nice day today. I kind of slept in, took a shower, and then had a phone interview with a recruiter that went well (we'll see. I've had a number of interviews and... nothing so far, but whatever. Someone's got to snap me up eventually, right?).

After that, my partner and I went on a hike. I call it a hike, but really? Just a walk on a nature trail that is not challenging, not really. 1.3 miles, so not bad, but I felt it. I'm feeling it now. Which is why I am sad.

It was the perfect day for a hike — temps in the low 60s, sunny but not too sunny. The snow is finally gone. The trail had a couple other people on it but we mostly felt like we had it to ourselves.

But getting ready for the hike, that's when the sadness started churning in the background when I realized that my choices for what to wear are now pretty darned limited, which sucks. I don't have jeans that fit anymore. I've been wearing leggings and forgiving fabrics for about a year and now I am paying the price. My exercise/leisure hoodies all have holes in them! So, I ended up wearing cropped black leggings, and one of my sleeveless jersey dresses with a long-sleeved striped jersey shirt underneath. That's when I discovered that my partner has the worst attitude toward stripes.

"Only really skinny people should wear stripes. Don't you have any hoodies without holes in them?"

Mind you, I have worn stripes plenty of times around him. It's nothing new, though it's been a while, I admit. I'm usually in all black up top.

But whatever, I didn't listen to that or anything. I told him how awful and ridiculous I thought that was to say that, and that I was wearing my stripes, oh well. Just my arms were showing the stripes, too! Sheesh.

So that was weird and I really need to go through all my clothes and figure out what my needs are because I cannot live life without decent activewear. I feel like all my activewear now is either worn out or more geared for running or tennis. I need less specific gear, if that makes sense. I don't know. All I know is that nothing felt appropriate.

Also, my weight has gone UP. 337, which... I don't even know what to do with. I am genuinely horrified. I felt every single pound of it on that trail and it was really upsetting, though I didn't express that outwardly. I mean, this is all my fault. It's just crazy that this has happened. The worst part is that I feel like I don't know how to fix it, even though I have done this so many times. Hence the Sisyphus reference — just over and over and over, the same thing. Make progress, eventually have to start over. God.

Another thing I want to write about that I'm going to save for tomorrow is that I watched an episode of My 600 Pound Life yesterday on a whim. I have SO MANY thoughts about it, but I want to take my time and bed is calling because I am wicked zonked. I leave you until next time, dear reader, and please don't freaking spam me, OK? Because that is the worst kind of comment to get — you get excited because you think you're getting a genuine comment and then... a stupid link to a stupid quick fix or miracle that's not really a miracle... PEOPLE! I DO NOT love that stuff, like, at all. I don't think anyone does.

So leave nice comments or even critical comments but do not leave me spam. I am deleting you.

(Love and appreciation for everyone else, though!!!)