I'm back! I'm at the same point in the evening as I was last night which means I'm tired and totally ready for bed, but I do want to write something here before I retire for the night while it is still relatively fresh in my mind.
So, I watched that TV show My 600 Pound Life the other day, on a whim. It was a kind of recap show showing how people they'd shown previously were doing. I didn't watch all of it; in fact, about a half hour if that was about all I could deal with, to be honest. But in that short time, it did evoke all kinds of feels.
I thought that maybe this kind of show would help people feel more sympathetic toward super obese people, but I am sure many people watching sit there and feel superior or have a good laugh or whatever. It didn't make me feel very good feelings. I had all sorts of things going through my head and I kept thinking how on earth do you let yourself get so big? SO big?
I know, this is almost hilarious. I'm not totally comfortable having this thought, mind you. I feel awful that it popped up. I am one to talk – she who almost tipped 400 pounds not so long ago and who, if she doesn't watch it now, will be back there again and maybe even more. I know very well how one "gets there". Maybe one of the reasons why my brain threw that smug thought out there was a protective measure, to evade what the truth really is. The very scary truth is that I could very easily find myself weighing 600 pounds or more one day. My god, it's my worst nightmare, but it could happen. I don't want to be sympathetic to it, does that make sense?
Then the other side of the ugly coin is that watching the show made me feel better about myself at the weight I am – after all, I can bend over and touch my toes, and I can go on a short, easy hike, and I can play tennis, and I can usually fit in a restaurant booth (but sometimes not so well if we want to be honest). I can get up from the floor (although I probably look ridiculous), I can... do lots of things.
BUT. Because my weight has resumed its creep upwards after hanging out at around 330 for at least a couple months, there are things that are getting harder to do again – the things on a daily basis that affect quality of life, like putting shoes and socks on easily, lowering myself into the bathtub (SPLASH!), making a nice meal or doing household chores without getting winded or sweaty, and the worst: Personal hygiene, I'll say no more.
I feel like I am in crisis mode again but just don't know how to pull myself out long enough for it to really catch and hold. I managed to lose enough weight to feel comfortable again back in the beginning of the year, January into February back into the 310s, which was just enough to feel normal again. Since then, though, it's been slowly coming back on and it just feels desperate.
I guess in short the show played on all my worst fears, the ones I don't want to face but really need to.
In other news, we decided to take advantage of my lack of full-time obligations and are finally taking the road trip we've always wanted to – cross country! Later this week, off to the Grand Canyon via St. Louis, Kansas, and Colorado, and then over to the Mojave Desert and the beaches of southern California. Then, back through New Mexico and Texas and all the way home. It's a getaway I think we both really need and my hope is that it will be kind of a reset for me. I'm not expecting to lose weight on a trip like that necessarily, but I wonder if being out of my usual element will help to place my mind on a different track for while I'm away and after I return. Here's hoping, anyway.
And on that fairy tale note, I bid you good night. Until next time, dear readers!
Amy - I was reading your two latest posts and wishing we were having a glass of rosé (I learned how to use the accent mark - so exciting) and talking about stripes, men who make ridiculous comments about stripes (even if those men are otherwise lovely), tennis, what 'healthy' means, road trips (AZ is amazing) and everything in between. For what it's worth, I have the same reaction to the show Hoarders. I can't watch it. I start having an anxiety attack and decluttering my closets and, in the back of my mind, thinking I'm going to die in an overstuffed armchair, reclined, with dusty junk piled up beside me - and I'm not even a hoarder! One thing I've noticed in My 600 Pound Life is that there is always an enabler. I feel sad when I watch any of these shows because they depict people at their most vulnerable and lay bare the myriad factors that got them there. It's impossible not to see one's self in all of that. Can't we just sit on a porch somewhere, waiting for the spoon bread to finish cooking, and read Hemingway quotes? I'm glad you're back. And if you come anywhere near NC, you can come sit on my $29 porch chairs.
ReplyDeleteI had half a bottle of some CA rose tonight! Saved is the name. It was OK, but I think I'll stick with French roses from now on, generally. I was suckered in by a super cool label, oh well! :) I would LOVE to share one with you (and I still haven't figured out the accent acute myself, so silly since I am a graphic designer and everything) one day.
DeleteYes! The show I watched, it was this woman whose husband totally was the caregiver – and then when she lost the weight, she found out he'd been living a double life, having romantic things with women on the internet. She forgave him one or two more times (also having more kids with him, ugh) until she'd had enough. Obviously there is so much more at play. It is not really just about the weight, but the weight is how whatever the issue manifests, I guess? Either way it's super sad.
I have a collector who I love who lives in Asheville and sometimes visit – are you anywhere near there? It's not outside the realm of possibility! Or come up to Niagara Falls!