And Then I Ate...

I’m going to be completely honest with you, as I always am here: I did go off the rails, post-Whole30. Let me share. I don’t usually post food logs, but today I will, partially to just make better sense of what happened.

Well. First of all, I feel like this isn’t unusual. If I am embroiled in some routine that I feel resolute about sticking with, and then I let go? Something unhinges in my brain and it’s hard to click it back in place. I could feel that happen once I made the decision to stop doing W30. But, as you know, I also had a plan in place. I knew what I wanted my new routine/way of eating would look like.

When it came down to it, though, I think I was really ready for a break from it, from being so hyper-aware, and from being so diligent. My first day off W30 (my sick day) wasn’t too crazy, maybe just a little -- for lunch, it was eating some leftover regular pasta that I hated to see go to waste, with a pat of butter and a sprinkling of parmesan cheese, and at dinner it was eating some whole grain (quinoa), some not-so-whole grain (a hamburger bun) and a little bit of dairy (cheese on top of my stuffed peppers). Oh, and I had a beer. I mean, not exactly what I was planning on doing, but not the worst.

Yesterday, though, was another story and by dinnertime I went to a place I was kind of scared to go, but did anyway. I had a peach for breakfast, and leftover chicken and stuffed peppers (quinoa and cheese) and an assortment of raw veggies for lunch. I was planning to eat reasonably for dinner earlier on, but by the time 3:30 arrived I was feeling slightly angry and definitely ravenous and I just wanted to eat.

Long story short: Three slices of pepperoni pizza (though the way it was cut, was more like two slices from most other pizzas), two hot chicken wings, two and a half beers. But before that, I got from the store a pumpkin cake donut with icing and a very small amount of gummi bears -- just a taste. Just a taste. But that is all the stuff I put into the proverbial pie hole yesterday.

At this point I’m writing after a pause having returned from lunch break. I had gotten frustrated with something that happened at work and it was something, at that moment, I just couldn’t bear it. It was at a point in the day when I could just walk away for a while, fortunately, but maybe not: I walked out to my car, I started the engine, and I drove myself to McDonald’s and ate a two cheeseburger meal (medium with a diet Coke) and a hot fudge sundae. When I came back to the office, my co-workers were out on their break, so I took the opportunity to stuff the big chocolate chunk cookie I’d also purchased at the store last evening and wolfed it down, along with the remaining small amount of gummis. I just wanted it all gone.

I almost cried on the drive back. I’m actually very upset with myself right now. And while I know this is a blip on the timeline and not the end of the world, or the end of my efforts, I am left wondering what the hell happened? In two days, what happened to the resolve I had?

I’m struggling to figure out why a restrictive diet works so well for me but also blows up in my face. I really had little trouble during Whole30 keeping it together, and I liked the way I felt overall (except for the extreme fatigue, of course), and I liked the place I was in in relation to food and eating. I thought I had my sugar cravings conquered (ha! Not even a month, how silly!).

All of this is to say that… I don’t know. I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and a little scared. Part of me doesn’t want to eat anymore at all today but I don’t know how feasible that is. (Honestly, should be pretty darned feasible because I’ve been skipping dinner a lot lately.)

I’m not sure where to go from here but I do know that I have to be really, really careful of how much I let go even just for one day (which turns into two, and then three, and then…). I have to get back to the mindset of one day at a time, and of the idea of fueling my body with delicious food that also benefits it most instead of destroys. Over the weekend, I must be more mindful and careful.