The Issue of Clothes

Since I've gained weight back in the past year, I've pretty much stuck to wearing the same thing almost all the time: One of the half-dozen or so black jersey knit swing dresses from Old Navy and leggings and a cardigan. It's a look that I have enjoyed wearing over the years (and in variations, i.e. A-line skirts with tank tops and cardis) since I was in my 20s. But because I've been wearing almost nothing but those things for what feels like forever now, I'm becoming resentful of it.

Maybe resentful is not quite the right word. I mean, it's a look I feel very comfortable in mentally, it's very easy to put together, and it couldn't be more physically comfy, too. I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear in the morning getting ready for work, which is awesome.

(I should note here that I also have three LuLaRoe Carly dresses that I also sprinkle into my rotation. The Carly is a jersey dress with a high-low hem and pocket T-shirt styling. I'm not super crazy about the style but I like the prints I managed to find, and they're crazy comfortable with my usual cardigan with or without leggings.)

So what's the problem? I guess it is just that I realize that these are the only clothes in my wardrobe that I can wear right now, and it makes me mad.

I guess on one hand, why should it? I generally leave the house looking fairly presentable without much fuss. If I am comfy and public-ready, why should it matter? Even if I was smaller, wouldn't I want to be comfy as much as possible anyway? There are a couple things. One, I need to do another clothes clean out. I am embarrassed to say that I have a huge pile of clothes in my laundry area, stuff I haven't worn in months mainly because I don't even know what's in there. The basement, where the laundry resides, has become a huge pile of clutter and I hate going down there now, which doesn't help. It's building on my already existing anxiety surrounding clothes, so I need to fix that. (Maybe this weekend, even!)

Another thing is relating to what I wore to work yesterday. I have been scraping bottom of barrel with available clothes this week (i.e. I need to do laundry!) and I ended up wearing a pair of what are essentially yoga pants with my beloved Universal Standard t-shirt and a cardigan -- all black, of course. What horrified me as I looked back at my reflection in the mirror of the office ladies' room was how prominent my belly was without the benefit of being skimmed over with a dress. It's big, and it hangs low -- classic apron belly. I don't know, I was just kind of shocked at the sight of it again. I don't picture myself looking like that. (In case you're wondering, no, we don't really have full-length mirrors in the house. Bad idea, I guess.) Wearing something like yoga pants, which offer little to no support, made it worse. I felt really exposed! I really hate saying this, but because I value honesty especially when it comes to this stuff, I'm telling you: I felt like a monstrosity.

There's so much going on right now with me. There's the whole rebound from Whole30 that has been really upsetting, there's gaining back all the weight I lost while on Whole30 (I got on the scale two days before I'd planned on originally, and I'm back to 333 today), there's the clothes stuff, there's some intense personal/relationship stuff, there's the crap going on in our government stuff... and it is all really overwhelming and makes me really... sad? Sad and mad and frustrated and I just don't know where to go with it. I drank too much last night. I feel like hell today.

I still have not got my eating back on track. On paper it seems like it will be so easy. Sometimes it is! But now I've hit a brick wall, and it scares me. I know that I have to just keep trying, but... well, you know how it is. Some days you just don't have the fight in you.

For now I think that working on my wardrobe clean out will be a good place to go. I love the idea of minimal wardrobes (obviously) and think it is time to actually follow through and make it happen, and reframe where my thinking is at regarding my dear friends the black jersey swing dress gang.

***

Kind of Unrelated sidebar: This relates to my previous post about climbing mountains. I love this quote from a van-traveling married couple, in response to a question about how they stay fit on the road:

"We want to be ready for any and every adventure that life has in store. We train to stay strong for life!" Mr. and Mrs. Adventure