Cut Your Hair

Friends, I cut my hair last night! Just like I would do in my 20s.

I had reallllly long hair, past halfway down my back and when I put it in front, it fell beyond my chest.

Now it is kind of neck-length. Not quite chin-length, not shoulder-length. Kind of a bob, no bangs. Cut rather uncarefully and probably poorly, but it looks fine from the front. It feels very indie rock, which means that it feels like me again.

I grabbed my big sewing shears and just chopped. They were very efficient. I sprayed myself with Ellis Bee perfume afterward, and this morning, I put some red lipstick on. A weight has been lifted.

How long had it been since I cut my hair, or had it cut? I cut bangs back in 2021, and before that in 2018 I did that butterfly thing where you make a ponytail at the front of your head and cut a bit off so you have some long layers in front. I can't remember when the last time I was at a salon.

So even though my haircut is not really a nice one, it feels really satisfying and real. It's a dose of change I didn't know I needed.

***

Other notes:

I haven't been sewing/quilting since late October. It feels weird and I think about doing it every day. I often think, "Today will be the day!" but then it isn't. 

I had been obsessed with crosswords and Wordle for a while, but that seems to have abated a bit.

Reading has been a favorite pastime again, which is nice because I was not reading regularly for the past year or two and missed it. I am currently reading:

• Aubrey Gordon's excellent new book, You Just Need to Lose Weight..., which is helping me understand how horribly ingrained anti-fat sentiment really is in our society.
• Ninth Street Women by Mary Gabriel, which is igniting my art flame again! An engrossing telling of the lives of the women artists who had pivotal parts in the modern art movement in mid-20th century New York City
• I've also been gifted a book by a well-liked and well-meaning co-worker, which is so lovely, but... it's full of god stuff and bible quotes, which as an atheist... it's just kind of... Let's just say that I am giving it a chance because she said that she felt "pulled" to send it to me based on some personal convos we've had. I'm very open-minded so I started to read it just to see what it had to offer. I just don't know if I want to waste my time on something that I find mostly annoying. There. I said it.

Also, sadly, Tom Verlaine died.

Oh no! One of my favorite painters, Alfred Leslie, also died the other day.

A New Era

I'm back, again. 

I need to wrap up things on Instagram definitively, so this is going to be my personal version. I've felt weird about it since Meta acquired it. I deleted my Facebook account the other day, never to return. Long overdue. I'll leave my Insta account to just sleep, I won't delete it, but I won't use it anymore either.

Anyway! Some things will be different from here on out. My attitude toward weight loss has changed considerably - I'm finally just over it. I'm very fat, and it's kind of OK. I just don't want to focus on losing it anymore, though maybe it will happen. It's stupid for me. I'm sick of it having a major hold over me for almost my whole life, and I thereby release myself from it. The end. 

I will write and post photos about stuff that I might have over on Insta. This includes quotidian moments, quilting, art, random thoughts, nostalgia, cats. As one does. I still want to connect with the world in some way, but no longer on social media. Maybe some of my readers are still out there and interested. Maybe new people will find me. Maybe no one will read. Maybe it will only be bots posting comments. I am not alone. You are reading. I hope you'll say hello. 

A Weird Day

Another late night here! My partner isn’t feeling well and wanted some company while he is up. I’m not working so it’s nice to have the flexibility to oblige. 

It was a weird day overall. I woke up early to water our veggie garden, sat outside for a bit and then went back to bed. I ended up sleeping until noon! I mean, who cares when you aren’t on a schedule, but still. Wow! If I haven’t mentioned it before, I am a champion sleeper. I LOVE sleeping. Today, though, I actually had one item on my calendar: a meeting at 1:30 to discuss a possible freelance design gig! It’s probably one of that last things I thought I’d be doing again, but I got a note on LinkedIn asking if I’d be interested, and because if who it was from, I said YES! More on that if I get the “job”, which I am really excited about working on, so fingers crossed. The meeting went really well and the people I spoke to were really down to earth, good vibes all around I think. It could also lead to more work down the line...

Most of the rest of the day was spent working on finishing up a quilt I am making for my mom. I’ll be giving it to her on Friday and I am so excited about it. It’s the first complete quilt I ever made and it ended up being a really special project for me. The best part is that she has no idea! See, I am the worst gift-giver on earth. I almost never come through with much, if anything. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s just one of my lesser qualities I guess? I’m hoping this quilt will make up for at least some of that, where my mom is concerned anyway. I’m on Instagram with a new quilting account if you want to check it out: @wonkyquilter.

Then, an artist friend came over to pick up a drawing she bought from me, and we ended up chatting for a little while on our front porch and it was really nice. It’s really the first time since COVID struck that I have spent any time with anyone outside my partner and his mom in person! I am fully vaxxed but still just being pretty cautious overall. Friday is going to be gangbusters because I’ll be seeing my aunt and cousins as well for the first time in over a year and we are all vaxxed. That means lots of hugs and smiles! I can’t wait.

The weirdest things about today was that I ended up not eating at all. There are plenty of days when I don’t eat until late afternoon or even early evening, but by that time today I just didn’t really feel like dealing with it. I even cooked for my partner, but I just didn’t want anything. I am hungry, but I’m just going to wait until the real morning to finally eat. 

I’m not worried about it... I’m not starving myself or anything, just... I don’t know what. It won’t be a regular thing. Sometimes, though, it feels good to have a really empty stomach especially when you’re not used to it. There’s probably a lot to dig into there but I’m not going to fuss about it.

Overall I feel good about how things are going in that realm. As I mentioned last time, it’s very slow going but going. I don’t even feel like I am actively doing anything, and I am kind of not except being mindful of what I put in my mouth. No calorie counting, nothing. I’m making it sound really easy but like most things that sound easy it’s not really else I’d have been doing this all along. I think what it comes down to is getting into the right mindset, and honestly I feel lucky whenever I hit on it because it doesn’t feel like something I can self-induce. I’ve experienced and described this before as being like flicking on a wall switch. All the sudden, the light is on. I don’t take credit for it.

That’s it for now. I’m hoping to head back to bed sooner than later...

The More Things Change

 It’s been a little while, my apologies if you’ve been waiting patiently to see what happens next! Believe me, I am there with you. Right now I’m sitting here on the couch and typing on my iPad, which I bought last year to use to start drawing on a regular basis. Instead, I ended up reading more which isn’t so bad but definitely not my original intention.

Anyway, I’m still plugging along! But I also have news: I got laid off about a week after I last posted here. So I’ve had plenty of free time and have been thinking a lot about where to go next. I was really sad about it initially but now I am seeing that this might have been a good thing, maybe? I try to stay positive. 

I started painting again, for one thing! For another I realized it’s really ok that I enjoy and I’m good at administrative work. I enjoy helping people and being a good support system. I’m not sure I have more lofty ambitions for a formal career than that. Also, the last time I tried the whole being an artist thing I probably did it half-assed and still had good success. So maybe if I go all-in this time, I could actually make most if not all of my living from it? Hopefully I can use this “free” time to just do ittttt allllllreaddddy. It feels good to have that freedom right now. I’m trying to get a groove going with my painting but it’s taking some time.

Also I have become fully addicted to quilting. Hand-piecing and hand-quilting. It takes extraordinary amounts of time but I really really love embracing the traditional ways of doing this craft. I like that I can sit on the couch and make something lovely and useful. I had to take a break today from it because my hands and arms and shoulders were hurting from my first session of hand-quilting yesterday. First time ever!! I think I have an affinity for it.

Finally, the news you’ve been waiting for: am I still working on my food stuff? The answer is: YES. I’m losing about a pound a week give or take and not obsessing over anything. I’m just trying to eat when I am hungry and I guess I have been kind of intermittent fasting but not officially. I also eat what I want but try not to eat too much junk. It’s just the way I like to eat. I decided not to stop drinking soda but have also upped my water game because it really tastes SO GOOD, you know? Sometimes only water will do. But I also need some sweet fizz in my life, and yes I have tried seltzer water which I also like but IT IS NOT THE SAME SO DON’T EVEN TRY TO LAY THAT ON ME.

On the downside I have been feeling like total crap, more than I ever have in my life if I am honest. The big worst thing about getting laid off when I did was that my health insurance just kicked in on May 1 and it was the good kind — like, literally platinum, baby! I was really looking forward to using it. So that is out the window and I’m just not going to bother seeing a doctor without it unless I am on my deathbed, and even so,

...?

My whole body is in pain all the time. Everything down to my fingers. Some days are better than others, but lately there haven’t really been any good days. It really, really sucks and it’s really disheartening. Exercise has not been happening except for helping to get the vegetable garden up and running and I will probably work through the pain and work on other parts of the yard I’d like to make look nice again. I just... I don’t know. It’s hard. 

So that’s where I am at. Oh, and I cut bangs! Huge.

Tell me what’s up with you! I’d love to hear.

Menopause and Me

 It's 1am and I am up after a few hours' sleep and a bad dream, waking up covered in sweat. 

Thoughts raced through my head about a school assignment that is due today (or tomorrow, however you want to look at it) that I didn't complete. That I didn't even start. That's for a class that is important to me – it's being guest taught by a former editor-in-chief of National Geographic and esteemed photojournalist, and obviously this is a person from whom I have a lot to learn from, and who has been so great so far. I can't even get my shit together for that. Also, I didn't get any financial aid this quarter and I think I have hit my limit, which means that I can't continue school anymore, probably not for a long while and that kind of makes me sad too.

I ended up talking to my partner, who was still up, and crying uncontrollably for a few minutes. I didn't feel good in any way. Not physically or mentally or emotionally. I'm so grateful for him in times like these. He suggested, "Menopause, right? Because this is not like you." And yes, oh yeah. I always forget that I am in it. Brain fog, loss of focus, pain all over my body. Feelings of hopelessness, etc. I looked it up: Menopause symptoms. What a joke! They still don't really shit about it. Here, check what the NIH has to say. Basically, they don't know. Maddening.

So here I am writing this instead of the paper I should be working on for tomorrow. It felt needed. 

How are things going, you ask? (Maybe you ask. I could be wrong about that.) Things are... going. I have... an awareness. I haven't logged food every day but wager a guess that I am probably eating within my target zone in general. I haven't started walking or yoga yet. I have been weaning myself off of regular soda, though. Onto fruit juices/drinks, onto sparkling water. Onto plain old water, which I love but I also love soda so it's not super easy. I'm trying to decide if it's the fizz I love so much or the sugar. Probably both. Anyway, I need a break from soda regardless so it's not forever, it's not a big deal.

I think I will get on the scale once or twice a week. I'm down a couple pounds today and will look again on Thursday. Not even making a huge effort gets some results.

I don't know, man. I just want to stop feeling so bad all the time.

Day One-ish

 I guess technically today is Day One, ground zero. Right away, though, I totally forgot to step on the scale (just for reference, not for judgement) before breakfast. So I will do that tomorrow for sure. 

However, I took all my vitamins! This includes for now a one-a-day and some vitamin D, along with a couple supplements that my mother-in-law swears by for her hair and nails (pumpkin seed something and biotin, I think?). Day one, vitamins! That is an achievement.

I restarted my MyFitnessPal tracker to have a place to put my food. Right now I am just jotting down what I ate in general to see where I'm at, aiming to stick around 2500 calories or fewer. Of course I will continue to adjust these various data as I go. 

I haven't yet started walking. If I can squeeze in a bit between raindrops today I will. I will do at least one sun salutation.

It's a start.

I had some juice/juice-type drink with breakfast but drinking some water now. It tastes good! I have a few cans of soda left that I will drink in the coming days, but after that I won't be buying it for a while. 

Positive vibes. Moving forward.

I Never Thought I'd See the Day

It's been a minute, as they say!

But I think I am back.

This time I am recycling some very old content, when I restarted back in 2014. I needed some guidance/inspo to get take steps again to take better of myself. I know it's not rocket science, but you know. It's not always easy to do the obvious stuff.

So anyway... I'm a less than a couple months away from 51 now, and I have been feeling it! Weight-wise I'm back in the 340s (will weigh in officially tomorrow), but since I last logged in I've also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which has not been fun. The combo of that and the pandemic has made me into someone who finds it painful to walk down the driveway again. I sit around a LOT these days. 

There is so much to say! For now I'm just going to set my goals and intentions, and I'll be back to catch up more very soon. I still want to be the old lady who is out there climbing mountains...

From May 24th, 2014:

What I am doing and what I am not doing.

If you are reading this, thank you. If you are a friend or family member, especially if you see me in person, here are some things you should know as a supportive person.

• I am not on a diet. I am not restricting myself in the way that most people would think; however I am trying to align my eating habits based on information that is out there about our food supply, and on stuff that is common sense. I want to eat FOOD.

• I don't want to eat artificial stuff. I don't want to eat gross chemicals. I don't want artificially no-fat, low-fat, Aspartamed crap. I'm going to eat butter and sugar, but I am also going to eat whole grain as much as I can, and I'm going to try to eat whole foods period as much as I can (no, not the store). I'll be eating a lot of fruits and veggies, but am I going to stop eating pizza or cake? No.

• I'm reading the labels a lot more these days, but not just for calories and fat content.

• I am hoping to avoid having to take medications for things like high blood pressure and dia-beet-us. I want to stop feeling tired all the time.

• I will be checking in with my doctor on a more regular basis, and I will take his advice. (I have healthy insurance again after going without for a year!)

• I will continue to take my vitamins every day.

• I will drink lots and lots of water every day (and stop drinking soda most of the time).

• I will continue going to the gym regularly and build strength and endurance.

• I will continue working on being happy and being a good person.

• If I mess up, I will pick myself up and try again, and never stop trying.

Goals:

Weight
1. Reach 325 (random but whatever) 
2. Reach 300
3. Get below 300 in a sustained way
4. 250
5. 200
6 ???

I'm not interested in getting skinny, per se. I'm interested in feeling comfortable physically and being able to do anything I want to. The last time I was at 250, I felt that way. So we'll see how it goes.

Fitness
1. Walk for 20 minutes 
1a. Walk every day
2. Walk a 20-minute mile
3. Walk 2 miles comfortably
4. Walk 3.1 miles (5k) comfortably
5. Start Couch to 5K again, or a variation

... plus yoga!

I want to do ALL the things.

It's nice to be back.

How are you????

Goal-setting for Team 2019, Part 1

It's that time of year, isn't it, when everyone makes resolutions to lose weight or quit smoking or start exercising, etc. etc. We all know by now that resolutions generally don't turn out well and that people burn out on their intentions before January is out.

That said, I still love to make a list at the end of the year of things that I would like to accomplish. I'm a list-lover in general, especially to-do lists! And I like the idea of challenging myself and seeing how far I can get with a new idea or something I've always wanted to do, or something that I've tried in the past but never quite achieved. Try, try again, right?

So I won't call these resolutions but rather just... intentions. Goals too, yes. Stuff I'd like to do. Stuff that the person I really want to be would get done. I may will add to this list in the coming days, but for now, here are things at the fore of my mind.

+ Read 36 books. In 2018 I set a rather lofty goal of 48 books for the Goodreads challenge. There are still a few days left in the year, but I'm not going to meet that. I'll probably end up with 34, which is still pretty good! I want to set a goal that I will meet this year, so 36 seems infinitely doable in comparison to how things went this year. I did have a couple reading dry spells so honestly 48 should not have been out of the question, but at three books a month, 36 sounds like a good compromise. I read all kinds of books -- novels, history, memoir, short story collections, how-tos (like crafty stuff), graphic novels -- of all different sizes, from the very long and lofty to the easy breezy.

+ Health and Fitness. As you probably know, I've stopped focusing on my weight and weight loss efforts in this blog, however because it's part of my life it will pop up now and again. Today seems like a good day for an update on that front.

I've been fretting about my weight mainly because of how uncomfortable I've become in the past year. Last I was talking about it I was hovering in the 330s after having lost a bit doing an experimental bout of Whole30 back in September. Since October or so, I stopped any sort of weight loss efforts or food logging or weighing or anything. I needed a mental break from all that crap. I hate diet talk and was feeling really hypocritical; plus I was just sick of thinking about it all the time (even though all that aside I still think about it all time, ugh). This morning I decided to hop on the scale for a reading, but left my socks on and already had the day's jewelry on (LOL! Yes, I really think these things matter). I was thinking that I was close to 350 based on how I feel, but was pleased (pleased!) to see that I clocked in just at 340.

This means two things: One, I am still at the lost over 30 pounds thing (I started at 372 back in late 2014) to count for the National Weight Loss Registry, and two that things are not quite as bad as I thought and that I am not beyond saving. I know. That last statement sounded weird, but honestly? I've been feeling beyond saving at this point. I've been feeling that bad. If I lost 20 pounds right now I assume that it would make me feel a lot better, knowing how I felt the last time I was in that ballpark. It is so doable it's ridiculous.

I also see myself (and my partner) getting back into being more active people, going for hikes regularly and playing tennis a few times a week in the good weather. But it will be really hard to do that if I don't lose a few pounds. It's seriously fucking me up.

Can I just say here? I love all those ladies who are in the social media spotlight being fat -- even really fat -- and living the good life. I love them because they are unapologetic for their size and because they dress up, they doll up, and they put themselves out there in a very vulnerable position. But, I ask myself a lot: Are they really physically comfortable? Do they have a ton of aches and pains like I do? Don't they get frustrated dealing with so much flesh sometimes? They make being fat look really easy, and I can tell you: It's really, totally, so NOT.

And that is why I still would like to lose weight even though it pains me to say it. Because it will continue to pain me if I don't. At least, that is the assumption. I guess we'll see once I get there, but honestly? It is a fair assumption.

My goodness! I didn't expect to be writing this much on this topic again, but there it is. So in 2019, I want to reclaim myself in wellness, and for me that means losing some weight whether anyone likes it or not. I don't have a specific goal, although just getting back under 300 is something that is doable and where I did feel comfortable, so...

+ Education. I am still trying to make it happen in January, but if nothing else I'll be heading back to school in August for Environmental Studies at my local community college. The spring semester starts on January 14th, so hopefully I can get all my ducks in a row in time for that. In the meantime, I've been studying stuff like algebra and trigonometry on my own -- I know that I am going to need advanced math at some point and I want to be sure that I'll be able to keep up! This is totally taking myself out of my comfort zone, but will be totally worth it. I have always labeled myself as someone who is "bad at math," and I am ready to prove that wrong.

+ Art. I need to settle on a studio space. I thought I would abandon my basement room for the first floor spare bedroom, but that room still has so much other stuff in it, I can't get settled even though I bought a nice (used) work table for it! I'd like to get the basement cleaned up (it's a mess from being abandoned for a couple years) and get my art shit together so I can work comfortably again.

Then, I am going to have a pop-up show coming up in early February to get ready for. I don't even know how much work I need to make yet, I'd better find out! I'll be doing a series of fantastical landscapes largely based on our cross-country trip.

I'd like to buy a nice, big sketchbook and start filling it up with experiments and just have fun making art again in 2019.

+ Blogging. I was much less active here as a blogger in 2018 than practically ever before. I want to change that in 2019 and would like to post at least twice a week, or for a total of at least 100 posts for the year.

Ready for Real Life Again

Christmas day is almost over, and I am glad for it. *cue Grinch music*

Christmas has long been a tough holiday for me, and it turns out it is for my partner as well. It's a crap shoot how any given year will go, so I tend to just kind of... ignore that it approaches, more or less? We're both atheists and so the holiday has no special religious meaning, just purely cultural if nothing else. We have our traditions, like always watching the Rankin/Bass animated specials and movies like Die Hard that are Christmas movies that you always forget are Christmas movies. And of course we always plan on a delicious meal including ham. But that's about it. Some years I put up my white artificial tree, some years (like this one) not.

This year I felt especially disengaged from the whole thing, and overall there has been definitely been a depressive veil hanging over us for a while. (Yes, despite all the good stuff I've been talking about depression has been hanging around in various strengths throughout the year.) Come the big day I realized that it might have been nice to have some hints of festivity, including some gifts, which I just did not do – it never really seems to matter but I think they really do, even just some little things, something shiny to speculate on and rip open excitedly... I'll be better prepared next year.

Despite all that we had a pretty OK day eating leftovers from the delicious meal I put together yesterday, taking a long afternoon nap together, watching things like A Christmas Story and JFK assassination stuff and senior tennis matches. I also managed to throw together a batch of Christmas cookies – the zebra shortbread cookies from Bon Appetit – and they were pretty and delicious. (There's a photo up on my Instagram if you're interested in seeing them a la Amy G.)

I'm back to work tomorrow and feel relieved that the holiday season is now behind us. Yes, there's new year's eve, but that's not quite as loaded for me and kind of another non-event. I'm looking forward to a fresh start and just living life like normal again without all the pressures that end of the year holidays seem to bring – and that's even the way we do things, which is not to subscribe to hardly any of it!

2019 Word of the Year: Initiative

One of my favorite bloggers/online people asked the question: What is your word of the year going to be for 2019? It's a great question; better than thinking about the cliche resolutions for the new year, I think! And so I have been thinking about this a lot since I got Anne's email, and today, it just popped into my head on the way into work.

Initiative.

Because things have really been happening lately it seems. Part of it is stuff finding its way to me (more well-timed freelance work, for example), but a lot of it seems to be coming from my own efforts. In particular:

+ I finally worked on and finished my friend's commissioned painting
+ A result of doing that painting was not just money, but also an exhibition opportunity and the impetus to make more art sooner than later -- no procrastination (OK, maybe a little!)

+ Speaking up at work expressing an interest in filling a gap that will result from a colleague's retirement, and actually getting quick feedback and moving forward with an eventual shift in position!

+ Having sparks of ideas for cool morale-boosting programs to do at work (a written interview series about all the cool people who work here, and an accompanying podcast), letting the right people know, and getting the response that "great minds think alike" and that those things have been germinating in a similar way to what I envisioned, and maybe I might be able help out with it? (I REALLY hope something comes of that!)

I literally just had those things pop into my head as I was driving to work this morning, and I wanted to act on it right away before it left the fore of my brain. Initiative.

So, how I can I keep this momentum through and into the new year? These are my next ponderings.

Some nebulous stuff for now:

+ Continuing to work on how I handle money in better ways, and finding more ways to make more money

+ School and maybe volunteering

+ Health stuff (so important, really took a back seat in 2018)

+ Continuing professional and personal development

I also just want to think more about what initiative means in the larger scheme of things.

Do you have a word you'd like to focus on in 2019?