Back on Track

I'm happy to report that I am truly back on track this week. Things are going well and the whole eating thing feels normal and good again. Talk about crazy hormones!

I had an appointment with my dietitian yesterday morning and we talked a lot about what happened and some strategies on how I might better deal with it in the future. Making sure to get adequate protein levels in during a time like that was one way (satiety), and another was talking yourself down from it... so in my case a big issue last week was last-minute decisions at the grocery store involving carby sweets, i.e. donuts. I'm not proud of this at all, and it is a little embarrassing to share, but I will because that is what I do. ;)

I'll go to the store for necessities and find myself gazing at the bakery donuts, choose two or three, bag 'em up, and then... once I am out in the car, before I drive home I eat them right then and there.

So this involves compulsive behavior as well as the lovely secret eating crap I've been doing on and off for what feels like my whole life. (Ask my mom about the empty ice cream cartons in the freezer, whittled down sneaky spoonful by spoonful when no one was looking.) I know that part of it is certainly driven by hormones on overdrive, but part of it is the issues I've had with food and eating for a long, long time now. Part of me is scared to succeed at losing weight for various reasons. Sometimes fat feels like protection and it's hard to give that up.

I won't go into my various personal issues related to this here in the blog, but Mindy and I did talk about how it might be beneficial for me to do some talk therapy with someone who specializes in eating disorders to try to work it out – else I might not ever be free of this stuff. And I want to be! So that is going to be something to add to my toolbox in the coming months.

Mindy also suggested trying to make better choices when in the midst of a "crisis" such as I was in last week. Of course she understood that it can be much easier said than done, but in the future this is something I will try to keep in mind, even when my hormones are clouding my judgement. For instance, a few granola or protein bars would be a better choice to binge on than a few donuts, calorie-wise and nutrition-wise. I can think of a couple types of KIND bars that would likely fix a wicked craving, honestly – so that is something viable.

We'll see. My biggest hope is that such crazy cravings like that will not hit me again – though I am not counting on it. As Mindy said, life will always happen and we have to be prepared to deal with those curveballs and odd situations. It's a process. I'm learning, always.

In other news, I'm running here and there and it's going OK, despite some lingering knee pain. I'm still working on PT twice a week, but every time I do the exercises (which are getting more challenging but also more dynamic and fun) I always feel better. This morning left me literally dripping in sweat! It was great. Then after, I had some time to kill before work so I parked my car in the lot and went out for a short run, just about 3/4 mile. I'm trying to take as much advantage of this beautiful weather we're having while it lasts! A snowstorm could hit at any time, like it did last year at this time. (Yikes!)

Unfortunately, I need to get better at planning ahead during the week, both for packing lunches and packing my gym bag! It seems like I always forget something in the latter, it's stupid. Sometimes it's something not as obvious, like fresh underwear or socks, but on other days like today? PANTS. Fortunately I wore boot cut yoga pants this morning, so they are not too much of a stretch, but because I worked out in them, they're not the freshest ever. And I just feel sloppy and gross as a result. I forgot deodorant, too! Trust me, I am doing my best to avoid getting too close to anyone at the office.

So I thought on lunch break that maybe I could zip over to Target and buy a new pair of jeans and be done with it – throw them on when I got back. Sadly, though, the plus size section situation is not getting any better over at Target, and while I did find a couple contenders, they just didn't work for me. And can we talk about those horrible, horrible fitting room mirrors? I couldn't decide while I was there whether they would throw me into a frenzy of donuts, or help keep me on track.

It turned out to be the latter, but I also realized another thing – there are some panties in my drawers that really need to given up. The ones I have on today are so comically baggy that I was embarrassed just looking at them in the mirror with no one around! You see, I don't have a full-length mirror upstairs (though there is one in the basement) and I don't ever see myself in my undies. I more or less go by how they fit, which at present is baggy but not falling off. Seeing the visual sealed the deal, though. A major underwear drawer overhaul is due!

I ended up not buying any jeans (though I do fit into size 20 pretty all right), but I did indulge in some new tops. At least in tops I can shop in the "regular" section and have some options in the XXL size. I've been watching a lot of Project Runway lately and it's really making me want cool clothes again so badly. Maybe I'll even start sharing some of my outfits with you here from time to time. I started a Pinterest board a while back to try to build a library of what appeals to me, which you can see here; I'm pretty eclectic but also like the classics as much I love, say new wave and punk styles. You know what, though? I just keep going back to this image as inspiration. This is not me, of course, but this is a version of me who is hanging out in the background waiting for her chance on stage. The hair, the makeup, the textures, the colors, the layers... gets a big ol' *sigh*fest from me.

May apologies, I do not know where I found this originally.