Rollercoasters

Wow, have I ever been on some roller coasters this week! Let me tell you about them.

My weight. Holy crap. I was down to 267 on Monday. Then after a dinner snafu I was back up to 270 and I thought, no problem! I'm back to plan right away, and it will come back off. Yesterday I had a great eating day, and I have been exercising every day. When I got ready to weigh this morning I felt confident and even felt like my body was smaller somehow... but no.

Back up to 273!

I've gained six pounds since Monday. For no really good reason.

The body is so wild, mysterious, and complicated. What on earth is going on in there?

Well, as Mindy reminded me, unless I ate 3500 calories times six, I did not gain six pounds of fat. I know intellectually that this is probably about water, hormones, and maybe some stress. I always forget about the effect stress has on your body, especially when you're trying to lose weight. It's crazy! And I have been stressed out about a situation at work, and some lighter stuff at home. I need to remember that I can't control everything. I should probably think about meditating again.

But anyway. Back to roller coasters. That was the biggie. I'm definitely pissed off, but if I hadn't gone through this x times already I'd be extra upset, you know? As always, I trust the process and I know that I have been sticking with it (with the occasional digressions) pretty well. Eating has been better overall, and I am kicking ass with exercise. So I just have to keep doing my thing.

My gosh, how many times have I said the same thing to myself? 

Well, I just have to keep saying it. Because it's true.

Another roller coaster I have been is the fun emotional one. I just feel much more apt to tears lately, the past week in particular. Just today alone, here's me:

• At the gym, doing some lat pull-downs. I was struggling with the last few at 85 pounds but I got it done. The woman who was doing her workout nearby commented favorably toward me. I was SO excited! This was the woman I've been seeing almost every day I go to the gym and she kicks so much ass – she's always doing various weight training routines and I just love seeing her in action. Totally motivating and inspiring. I've been wanting to tell her that for a while now, so having this opening was such a gift.

I got up and walked over to her to say thank you and introduce myself. "Can I just tell you, you are my hero here?" I said as I shook her hand. Kelly responded in turn that I inspire her! "I see you working hard!" OMG. I couldn't even believe it. She is slender and curvy and strong. I want to be like her one day. And now it turns out that she is super nice, too!

After that I go over to get a 30-pound barbell to do a set of lifts (I forget what they are called), and I just about started crying. Tears came out, yes, but I didn't let it go full on. It just felt so good to be recognized and validated by someone I've been admiring. She has no idea what that did for me. And it brought tears to my eyes.

(Not sure what kind of tears they were – joy? Feeling sorry for myself? A little of both.)

Totally unrelated except in that it makes me cry, seeing animal-related stuff on Facebook always gets me and is really getting me today. I feel like a mess. Sad animal stuff, happy animal stuff... oh, animals. They are just the best.

Where does that leave me? Two days away from official weigh-in, I tell you what, now I will be happy if I can just maintain where I was last week at 268. But whatever. The time in which it takes really doesn't matter as long as I don't quit. This morning after I stepped off the scale I was tempted to say fuck it and go back to bed, but I didn't. I put my gear on and I got myself to gym, and early, too so that I could spend a little more time before heading to work. I ended up doing about 80 minutes worth of PT and strength training as well as a good chunk of cardio (25 minutes on the elliptical! Wow!). It felt really good, and pumped me up for a good day of eating as well, which I already have all logged and everything.

Grey skies are gonna clear up!