End of the Month!

My Happy Scale chart is finally back in the green! Hooray!!! Crisis over.

It's amazing that we're through January already.

It's even more amazing that today it was in the 50s and all the snow has melted. And I live in western New York! I am totally NOT complaining, let me tell you. It makes for great running conditions and just not having to navigate snow and ice all the time is so, so nice.

Anyway. Since I last checked in a week ago, things have been pretty great! Things have felt right. The intuitive eating I've been trying out the past few weeks seems to be working well for me. There are some days when I do enter my food and calculate the calories on MyFitnessPal, but more as a check-in to see how I do on guesstimating my intake. Otherwise, I've been trying to eat reasonably and eat more better foods than not. I'm learning to trust myself and food more.

And I'm continuing to build my base miles for running. As I'd mentioned before I was down to running once a week, but last week and this week I've built back up to 8-10 miles split among three sessions. I'm trying hard not to care too much about my pace and just focus on getting the work done and feeling good about that alone, no matter how fast I'm going. My official half marathon training begins in just over a week. I'm a little nervous about being able to do it at the end of the 17 weeks, seeing how getting two, three, or four miles seems challenging now. There's a lot of negative thinking I battle during my runs and I need to get past that – the truth is, if I do the work there is no reason I shouldn't be able to finish the half in June, and again in October.

I finished out the month at 270, which I am pleased with – a six pound loss and getting back on track is very happy-making. I have been so back-and-forth in this weight range that I feel like I'd do just about anything to get into the 260s again and just keep going, never to return. But how many times have I made that statement? Too many. It's not that I didn't mean it those times before, but I was obviously lacking something. This time my determination is so real, so palpable. I can taste that I CAN finally get past this wall I've been facing for months.

One big thing that I really need to remember is that I've managed to keep off most of the weight I've lost for six months now. That is a huge achievement for me. It's huge that I am not done yet, too. In the past when I've lost a chunk of weight (50 or 60 pounds, never as much as I have this time), I hit some block, tried to hold on... and then within months I'm gaining and gaining and find myself back where I started, and worse. The fact that this has not happened, that I have committed to this for over a year and a half makes me so proud of myself, despite not actively losing for a while. I've learned that I can actually maintain within a range, and that's important, too.

Anyway, I've got an appointment with my GP on March 9th. I'd really love to be able to walk in there and hop on the scale in the 250s. I really, really would.

The new session of the Ton of Fun program at Fleet Feet started again recently, and that's a good motivator; the new session of No Boundaries running group starts in the middle of February and I can't wait.

There is just so much to look forward to in 2016. I am ready to do the work and I'm ready to enjoy the results of that hard work, too!

Random Check-In Post

Hello hello!

I've been aiming to send out January on a good note. Since last week, my eating has been pretty good. I'm not counting calories so much as trying to eat intuitively and smartly. It seems to be working out well so far. I was up to 279 last Friday, and after my run this morning, the scale read 270. I'm pretty excited about that and really, really want to keep the momentum going so that I can finally land in the 260s and never look back.

It's been a great running week. I'm easing back into a regular routine after doing just one run a week since the holidays. Including this morning's run, I squeaked in three, hooray! Wednesday was a pretty cool four-miler run mostly on my own (though out with a group) – I wanted to see if I could still do that distance, and was very happy with the results even though the snow-covered roads slowed me down a little bit. Yesterday's outing was disappointing, logging just 1.38 miles and suffering the whole time. Not sure why, it was just one of those runs. I still got out there and did something, right?

Today was better. I finally joined a group of runners called the Old Falls Street Run Club at the nudging of one its members who I often run into at Fleet Feet events. After all, it's based right here in Niagara Falls where I live! I was always a little scared to come out for their free runs, though, because I was worried that I was too slow, and just a general fear of the unknown. I found out how silly that was today, because for the first time in a while I had someone to run with at my pace! My friend Janice, in fact. I got 2.5 miles in with her at a good pace, averaging around 14:40. Niagara University, where we ran, keeps its roads nice and clear, so no worries about ice or snow to navigate – just the extreme cold, a frosty 18 degrees.

It's so nice to get back into the habit of running more regularly. It makes me feel so good afterward, and the effect can last into the next day, as it has for me this past week! I love it.

I've been having a lot of thoughts related to what I am doing and keep thinking, "Oh, I need to remember that for the blog," but then it gets forgotten. So many things. I've been at this now for about 20 months, which is the longest I've stuck with it in my whole life. The fact that I've been able to maintain most of what I've lost for almost six months totally dazzles me and gives me hope that this is something that I can stick with for the rest of my life. I feel like I did find the secret in some ways. I'm doing it. But really, only time will tell, won't it?

There's still so much work to do. And after that, after I reach my goal, it's going to be staying on top of it, well, forever. And I am OK with that. First I need to get to where I am going, though.

At least 100 more pounds. It's a lot, but I've already done it once. That one time? It wasn't so bad. I can do it again for sure.

100 pounds is a lot to think about, so I need to keep my focus on the smaller goals, the smaller steps that will get me there. Lose 25 pounds four times. Lose ten pounds ten times. Lose five pounds twenty times. Lose one pound 100 times.

I am on it.

A Little Help from My Friends

A photo my wonderful friend and mentor Pat took of me running a couple weeks ago. I am liking what I see!

Not much has changed since the last post... YET.

But today I got some help from my partner, who did his best Jiminy Cricket imitation to get me to snap out of the mindless eating crap I've been indulging in lately. Because of his reminders, my eating wasn't too bad today.

And I also got to thinking seriously about half marathons, specifically the Niagara Falls Womens' Half Marathon in Ontario, Canada, just across the border from where I live. It's in early June, just a few days before my 46th birthday. So yeah, I was thinking... I'm doing the No Boundaries program version 3.0 starting in February, which will take me to being able to run eight miles by the end of April. The NFWHM offers a handy training schedule that also acts as a money-back guarantee to finish the race if you follow the plan. So, I had a careful look at it and plugged it into my calendar. It looks to me like as long as I stick to the schedule, I should really have no problem being able to do it. I am capable of running the miles required up until week 6 out of 17 now, so it should be totally doable.

Of course I wanted to check in with my pack of running friends to see if what I was thinking was crazy, or if this is indeed something I can do. I got nothing but positive feedback, and these are the ladies who have continuously supportive and encouraging and helping me to achieve my goals this past year. In the conversation several of us also decided to make a commitment to sign up for the Wineglass Half Marathon in Corning, NY, a few hours away, in October. So now I've got not just one, but two halfs to train for in 2016!

The NF training schedule begins on February 9th with three runs per week. I've only been doing one run each week since around Thanksgiving, so until then I'll work on building up to the 3x/week again, but shorter runs between two and four miles. Starts tomorrow on that.

I also feel that having this major thing to train for will give me extra impetus to really get serious about my eating and losing weight again. After all, the lighter I am, the easier the runs will be. Obviously I am not interested in crash dieting, not saying that at all – but just really being dedicated to eating quality foods and eating reasonable amounts. I will also need to get back to strength training to protect myself from injury. I know what I need to do there.

My schedule will be looking something like this:

Monday: Strength and cross training at the gym

Tuesday: Prescribed run (NoBo)

Wednesday: Strength and cross training at the gym

Thursday: Prescribed run

Friday: Rest day or cross training (swim?)

Saturday: Prescribed long run (NoBo)

Sunday: Rest day

I'm very excited to get started!

The training plan! The sticky notes have mileage vs. k. :)

Happy New Year, Belated

Hello all!

I am still here. A few days turned into a couple weeks, and... well, here I am.

Not too much new and exciting to report, to be honest. I am still going between doing really well and really not-so-well as far as eating goes. Exercise has fallen to running once a week since before Christmas, but that's better than nothing. I am still playing around in the 270s – a couple times nearly hitting or dinging 280, and last week getting back down to 271. Today finds me solidly PMSing and in the middle at 275, which I will take gladly.

Part of me is sad that I haven't made any new progress, but the other part appreciates that I am still more or less maintaining, not giving up.

The best news has been that I seem to be getting my running groove again. I ran as part of a four-person half marathon relay team last weekend, and it was great – I've had a couple good ~three milers in the 14's, and the relay had me at my best pace since summertime, about 14:40. The Winter Warrior half in Rochester, NY was pretty fantastic, a very well-presented race with lots of awesome volunteers and a loop course that allowed me the amazing experience of running among people instead of always being behind them. What energy and inspiration! All kinds of people throwing out kudos as they passed by. I loved it.

Obligatory race photo: Me (3), Amy F. (2), Emily (1), and Angela (4) as the Buffalo Gals relay team! 

Now I am all signed up for the next session of No Boundaries at Fleet Feet and I decided to go to the next level – 3.0, which will take me to running eight miles by the end of April. I'm also registered for my first longer-than-5K, the Shamrock 8K in Buffalo in March. I plan to do the Grand Island 10K in May! Very exciting. 

Otherwise, I have just been continuing to enjoy the fact that regular daily activities that were becoming challenging at my heaviest are now nothing to me – snow shoveling, cooking, cleaning, walking from a distant parking spot, tying my shoes, getting dressed. I truly take real pleasure in all of it. I will never take my physical abilities for granted. 

I should never want to give them up, either, which is what would happen if I don't really buckle down and get back to the business I need to. Truth be told, if I never lost another pound I would be OK, however, at this weight I still feel precariously close to an edge I don't want to be near. 

I can just challenge myself to move farther away from the edge. It doesn't have to be the whole 100 or more pounds I think I'd like to lose. What if I only thought about, say, 25 pounds? 

Maybe that would help. 

Maybe knowing I want to run faster and easier would help. Losing 25 pounds, heck even 5 pounds, would take off thousands of pounds of pressure off my knees when I'm running, for example. 

Hey! I also rejoined my old gym. They made me an offer of my old rate and no initiation fee, so I jumped at it. I haven't yet gone, but I will be using the pool and I'll go to a class every week. (When do I start, hmmmm??? What am I waiting for???) Yoga, maybe Zumba. Oh, but the swimming! I kind of can't wait!

So anyway, that's where I am at for now! I'm proud to say that I am better off than I was a year ago today, and that is what I will always strive for. 

How are you doing? 

End of Year Reflection, 2015 Edition

December 2013 / December 2014 / December 2015

How funny – as I look at the sequence of photos above, I also see myself getting into clearer focus. Also see how I'm not relying so much on bright red lipstick anymore? In the latest photo, it's just some plain lip balm. No make-up at all, no filters. 45 isn't so bad, right?  It's all about the lighting, I guess. *grin*

There's not as drastic a change from 2014 to 2015 as there was from 2013 to 2014, but I am still pleased with my progress. There have been pretty major changes in my life since last year's December photo, even if I don't look that much different. 2015 was the year when I got serious about running (even if I feel kind of sad and meh about it at this moment), and it made a huge difference in my life in several ways.

• Got me moving around consistently and meaningfully

• Got me outside in a full range of weather conditions – and guess what? I didn't freeze, or melt, or drown. Unless it's lightning out, or extremely icy, there are few excuses not to exercise outside.

• Snagged me a whole new slew of friends from all walks of life who are ridiculously supportive

• Helped me view food in a new way: Food as fuel (novel!)

• Made me feel stronger and capable of anything

• Made me realize that I can do things that once seemed impossible, if only I try

Another positive action I took in 2015 was to work with a nutritionist, which helped me get grounded again after a difficult period, and reminded me about some basic steps to take to make the most of my food every day. I am still far from perfect, but I have the tools and the knowledge to do the best I can.

The result of those actions was that I lost over 30 pounds this year, and about 100 pounds total. I admit, it's not as much as I'd have liked, but it's something! Not to mention that I am still here and in it after a year and a half – that makes this the most successful weight loss effort I've ever had in my life. (Even if at before Thanksgiving, my total was over 40 pounds lost for the year. Well, that just means that I am sure to get there again!)

I found a new, great gynecologist after my previous one retired. (Though oops, neglected to get my candygram, er, mammogram this year.)

I continued to see my fabulous GP to monitor progress, and I've been getting A+ on my checkups. My blood pressure is normal (yay!) and so is all the important blood work.

Now, for next year, how can I possibly improve on that?

Well, for one, I would love to lose at least 50 more pounds. Heck, I'd love to get below 200 by the end of 2016 (more than 70 pounds to lose in that case), but as I have said before, time-based goals don't work well for me and so I am just going to keep on keeping on and see where it lands me – as long as it is in the negative, of course. I fully intend to keep what I have lost already off, and just lose however much more I can.

 • I will keep running, even if I feel discouraged about it now. I'm signing up for the awesome No Boundaries program at Fleet Feet starting in February, likely doing version 3.0 with the option to do the 2.0 workouts if I need to (shorter distances).

• I will return to strength training exercise, and I also want to get back to yoga.

• I'm on the fence about joining my old gym again, but if I do I will finally go swimming.

• I've been thinking about getting some counseling for my eating issues. Also still on the fence.

****

I like this list, which reminds me that I am not a total screw-up.

I also like this list, which dovetails with a lot that I'd like to accomplish in the coming year.

Last year's end of year reflection was in two parts, here and here.

***

Ugh. I have so much to say but have no idea where to start, so maybe a list-style post will suit me best today. In plusses and minuses:

– Hit 280 today. This is so... bad/sad/upsetting/discouraging/etc/etc. I knew it was going to happen after having a day of eating unlike any I have had in a long, long time. Bingeing behavior has really taken over lately and I'm not sure where it is coming from and I have been feeling relatively helpless over it. 280 means that I've gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving – 15 pounds in a month! How does that even happen?

It is so scary to me how quickly I can gain weight, even after a year and a half of losing fairly consistently, even with the past few months slowed way down. So scary.

+ By the time my partner came to bed this morning (he often stays up all night), I'd been awake for a little while, unable to fall back asleep because I was so sad and scared after my bender yesterday. Ever so supportive, he talked me down from my proverbial ledge and offered so much comfort and encouragement. He's going to help me, at least when I am at home, to get a handle on my eating again. Just for today, he suggested a meal strategy to get me back into reasonable territory. Just having that in mind has helped me focus this morning and I think I can use it to carry me through the rest of the day. Keeping things very simple with a liquid breakfast (green tea and water), soup for lunch, and the chili I was planning to make for dinner. If it seems a little extreme, it's because I need it to be right now, today. I need to jolt my brain. Not having to think about what I could eat or want to eat throughout the day is really helpful. I may simply have to get disciplined about meal planning. Not having those question marks at lunchtime and dinner make things so much easier.

I also whined, between sniffles (I was very teary), that I haven't been exercising at all. He said, "Just worry about getting your eating back on track for now."

One thing at a time, just like when I started. I do think that I'd like to get a short run or two in by the end of the week, but for now I'm not going to fret about it. First things first.

– I feel like I haven't been the best friend in the world lately and have been isolating myself a lot, avoiding parties and whatever else that involves socializing. I'm been finding it hard to be very joyful, even though I have plenty to be grateful for. How many times can you apologize to someone for being a Debbie Downer? It's easier to just withdraw sometimes.

+ Tomorrow I'm going on a fun run in the late morning at Fleet Feet – it's called the Egg Nog Jog – and doing 2 miles. I have to do something. I think getting out into the fresh air and moving my limbs and being around other runners will do me a world of good.

– I don't even know what else. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself even though I'm inflicting my own pain.

So that's where I am at right now. I think back to the end of year goals I had and yearn for the "consolation prize" that 268 was supposed to be. If only! If only I knew then what was ahead. I would never have believed you a month ago that this is where I would be.

That all said, I'm trying to put things in perspective and will be working out a plan to dig myself out of the hole, as well as setting new goals for myself in the coming year. It's actually one of my favorite things to do at year's end! I don't think that I will ever set a time-based weight goal ever again, even just to say I want to lose x pounds in a year. The truth is, any loss is good, any maintain is good. Any progress on developing good habits is good. Any activity that I do is good.

Regarding running, even if I only ever run 1 or 2 miles at a time forever more, that's a win. I keep thinking about all the BIG things I want to do, like run a marathon or maybe even beyond, but sometimes I wonder if that makes me feel discouraged. From now on, instead I will focus on all the things I can do now rather than worry about how I'm going to get to those bigger goals later. My head has been sticking itself too far in the future, I think. Though – I will be doing NoBo 3.0 starting in February, that's a no-brainer.

After the disaster that yesterday was, eating-wise, I am ready to take steps back to the positive space I was in once more. It's been a rough few weeks. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing the work again.

Feeling More Normal (Kind Of)

Me among the other amazing mentors and coaches in the No Boundaries program at Fleet Feet Sports in Buffalo.
(I am in the center with arms crossed – not sure what that was about!) Folks I have mentioned in this blog include Angela, who is seated in purple; Liz, who's got the red headband; Jewel, next to Liz with the sliver of turquoise shirt; and Pat, who is next to Liz and Jewel! I love those ladies – with the exception of Jewel, they were MY mentors when I first started running and have been so supportive and encouraging along the way.)

It's a relief to get back to feeling more like myself again this week. It's been pretty busy and I've been more social than usual, so maybe that's been helping. On Monday, I took a friend out for lunch to celebrate her birthday (and because I was a no-show at her party, being all depressed and stuff that weekend); Tuesday not only did I go to the No Boundaries "graduation" walk/run and party after work, but went with my partner to a good friend's house for an impromptu get-together complete with yummy Christmas cookies, Utz pretzels, and bourbon; yesterday I had an amazing lunch with my running friend and mentor, Angela at an amazing new taco place downtown called Deep South (and boy, do I love their branding as well!!!) AND a fun run after work AND my company party after that...

Even though I've been having a lot of fun, there is no question that this (mostly) introverted gal will enjoy a couple quiet evenings at home tonight and tomorrow. 

Most importantly, I am starting to be active again this week. I'm not going to go whole hog just yet after my week+ hiatus, but I've already gotten in two days' worth with another planned for Saturday morning, at the very least. I may squeeze something in tomorrow morning, but maybe not. I'm OK with that. When I first started on this journey, I simply wanted to go to the gym once a week and make that a habit. Gradually (very gradually, in fact) I built that up to five or six times a week, and some weeks something every single day! In the summer when we were playing tennis, that happened a few times. I have been doing things I enjoy. 

But almost two weeks ago, I just crashed. I found myself feeling exhausted both physically and mentally, and finally one Friday when I just couldn't drag myself out of bed to make a very early PT appointment or even go to work, I decided to take a break from everything. I just needed to. I was totally burned out. 

At the same time, I haven't been eating as carefully as I had been, so the combo of the two has equaled some weight gain, but I am back to hanging out in my plateau territory which isn't the worst place to be. It's just not the best, when I was finally making good progress in November. 

Still, taking that exercise break was important. I know that now. I refuse to feel bad about any of this. 

This week I am feeling more like itchy to get back to running and really enjoyed my first run in a couple weeks last night. I did two miles and it didn't feel hard – not that it is ever easy, but it just felt good. I was so happy to be back out there and know that I haven't lost all my fitness or endurance or progress in general. I can still run two miles without thinking too much about it! 

On Saturday morning I'll be meeting up with a bunch of running pals and my goal is to crank out a 5K distance. If I fall short, it's fine, but I will definitely do two miles. Either way, it'll be good to see my friends and it'll be good to move my body. Plus, with the weather having been so unseasonable in the best possible way, it's silly not to take advantage of that! It's almost Christmas and we in the Buffalo region still have yet to see any meaningful snow at all. I don't mind a lick. 

In the past two weeks I have had two running dreams! The last one I had the other night was incredible. I seemed to be in some mountainous area that reminded me of where I spent some time in southern California, in the San Jacinto Mountains. I was quite simply gliding along, almost flying, being propelled by my arms as I ran. In the dream I remember saying to myself how easy and comfortable it felt, even though I was going at a good clip. 

I don't know what else to say about it except that I feel lucky that I was able to experience that, even if in a dream. I guess it gives me something to aim for and I see it as a signal to keep doing the work that is going to get me to that point. I think it is my subconscious telling me to absolutely not give up, because the rewards will be so worth it. 

So, I will be sticking around for a long while.

Kicking and Screaming

It amazes me how different this holiday season has been for me compared to last year. Last year, I was coasting and had no problem keeping up my weight loss. This year, well, you know... I've been more or less maintaining since late August with a few blips downward, and now I am struggling to hang on to even that! I'm weighing daily, and here's the running tally:

12/6: 275
12/8: 274
12/9: 273
12/10: 275
12/11: 273
12/13: 277
12/14: 276
12/15: 277

And this is what the past month has looked like, more or less. Not very pretty at all. Of course, there were many days where I didn't log – I was logging mainly losses, so not every spike shows up here. Assuredly, they happened. But you see what is going on the last few weeks. Fairly steadily increasing. It's got to stop. Keeping track really helps with that – I don't want to see this upward trend continue much longer, if at all. *sigh*



But today feels like the first day in a while where I'm not having a hard time keeping my eating in a good place, so that's a win! I will take every little one. I had some oatmeal for breakfast, Subway for lunch. Let me tell you something about lunch! When I was ordering, I was also chatting with the owner of the store, who was asking me about graphic design. (I've told him what I do for a living and it sounds like he might hire me for a little job.) I got all distracted and totally forgot that I was going to fit in those terrible cookies, and walked out the door without them! When I realized my "mistake", I was really happy. Surely the food gods were helping me out in that moment.

I didn't miss the cookies and saved myself a bunch of calories, which I can now use when we go over to my friend Al's house later on for a very casual holiday hangout. It was a very impromptu invitation that came later in the day, so I was very happy that things turned out the way they did. Al's a great cook and I will be sure to enjoy his snacks much more than those dumb old Subway cookies I have a taste for.

Today also marks my return to exercise after a week+ break – I've got the graduation session with the running group, which will mean either a walk or a run, and tomorrow I'll be going for a group run and try to get maybe two, even three miles under my belt. My knee still bothers me (and I've been achey all around), but it's been bothering me whether I am exercising or running or not, so I may as well err on the side of activity. I'm hoping it will jumpstart things for me, re-energize me...

Leaving it at that for now, and will be sure to check in again soon!

Not Sure How to Get Back – But I Will

I can't count how many little "crises" I've been through the past few months. The amount of weight I've been "playing" with has increased from about five pounds to ten, meaning the range I've been bouncing in is between 265 and 275. I'm sitting at 275 today after a couple days below that.

Late last week I was slapped hard in the face with what I am calling a bout of acute depression. In the past decade or so, I've had a couple days here and there where I don't feel so hot, or just have PMS or whatever, but it's been a long time since I have experienced this level of depression. When I was in my 20s especially, I was treated for depression via talk therapy and medicine and it always felt like I was trying to ward it off. Finally, in my early-mid 30s things seemed to level out. So it came to me as a big surprise to feel the way I've been feeling again.

I've been trying to hold to some things so that I don't totally backslide, because I cannot lose what I have achieved. I just can't.

Today I saw a friend for the first time in while. She couldn't believe how I looked – "You're straight up and down now!" she exclaimed, and also asked how it felt to be in this body now.

It was a question I realized that I didn't quite know how to answer, because even though I have experienced many changes, somehow I still feel not so much different than I was, probably because, I figured, I still have so much more weight to lose.

I guess what I am realizing is that this is all just such a huge mindfuck. It really is. I feel like, no wonder why I am depressed and feeling like I can't do it anymore. This stuff is hard and it is a big adjustment in many ways.

That's not to say it's not worth it. I love the clothes I have been wearing, and I love the things that I can do more easily since I've lost the weight I have so far. I love that I get a clean bill of health from my doctor. And if I keep going, it will only get better!

I don't think being careless/carefree about what I eat is worth giving that stuff up. I know it isn't.

I've chucked all those time-based goals I had set for myself, and decided that I will likely not do one of those again. I think they stress me out and make me want to eat more, generally. For now, I am aiming to solidly get back into the 260s and just be nice to myself. I am still logging into MyFitnessPal every day and log my food as accurately as I can. It's not always pretty, but it's a good habit to maintain and does keep me accountable on some level. I will also continue to weigh myself every day for at least a while – otherwise I worry that it would be too easy to slip away if I'm not watching those numbers like a hawk right now.

I'm still intending to eat as best I can within my calorie limits and macros but I am not stressing about it too much. I stopped exercising this past week but will start up again with a walk tomorrow.

The exercise happened along with the arrival of my depression. Last Friday I ended up canceling my PT appointment and I called in sick to work because I just could not force myself to get up and face the day. There was just no way. The next day (and the following Tuesday), I skipped out on running group because I didn't have the physical energy to walk or run, nor the mental/emotional energy to mentor and be a good cheerleader. I felt exhausted both physically and mentally, and so I broke. But now after a week or so of no exerted activity, I don't feel much better or worse. I still have the usual aches and pains, so why not get back to my routine and feel like there is a reason for those aches and pains, other than just getting old?

So that's what I have been dealing with the past week. Desperately holding on by a thread.

Tonight I am hoping for a meaningful respite from all this and going to see one of my favorite bands (Sleater-Kinney) with one of my favorite friends (Lizz). Let me share one of my favorite S-K songs with you here. I'm going to dance!

Posting for Clarity

I'm posting a lot lately. It's because I'm doing a LOT of self-talk and working really hard to stay on track. Writing things out helps me a lot in that regard – emptying my head of my fears and insecurities, admitting imperfection, talking about mistakes and how I can learn from them...

And then there is also the benefit of sharing triumphs, or even just little victories.

Last night I realized that I have a hard time shifting gears if I had one thing planned but then something else happens. We were originally going to go to the movies and so I had theatre popcorn in my plan to eat for dinner. When plans shifted and we decided to go this weekend instead, I thought, no problem and just logged that I would have some dressed up black beans (basically just canned beans with garlic, a fresh hot pepper, some onion, spices, and some cheese) and that would be that.

So that is what I did... only once I started eating them I decided that I wanted some crunch, so I grabbed some tortilla chips to munch on as well. Fine, except... I didn't have room in the day's calories for them.

I ate them anyway. And then I really wanted something sweet, so I grabbed a couple of these small, sweet and salty cookies that came in my Treatsie box (super delicious!) on a whim and semi-secretly... also no room.

It didn't stop there. I also popped in a serving or so of some Rold Gold Tiny Twists pretzels. Not a big deal, but again... no room.

I just kind of lost it. I mean, it could have been worse, but it felt stupid to do. It felt stupid while I was doing it. I mean, what did I just write here yesterday about never wanting to see the 270s again? Here I was, totally tempting fate.

This morning when I woke up, I was feeling pretty down. Just a general gloomy feeling for no good reason. I had gone to bed pretty early and so I woke up naturally and early enough that I could, at the very least, fit in a walk or run at home before leaving for work. I laid there thinking how achey and tired I still am, and how I just want to take another break. I thought about how sick I am of making the effort every single day. (OK, maybe not every single day, but just about most weeks.)

I finally dragged myself out of bed with just enough time to put in a running mile, and that is what I did.  To be honest, it felt shitty almost the whole time. My mind and my body were totally on the same page – I don't wanna!!! You can't make me!!!, and I pulled out that mile like I was running through molasses.

But I pulled it out, didn't I?

I'm also happy to note that the scale was kind, and showed a .5 loss. Note, though, that I always log whole pound losses or gains, not increments; this morning's bad mood needed some sort of boost so I am at least mentally noting that little variant. I'm thisclose to 268. I'm happy with that for now.

***

I have really been enjoying getting dressed lately.

I can't remember a time when I ever felt that. Well, maybe in high school when I liked getting dressed up for a normal day in dresses, skirts, and pumps, fully accessorized and made-up. That was a long time ago! Recently I indulged in some new tops from Target and some great sale stuff from the Gap – I can wear XXL at both stores now – and I can see my style revealing itself once again. True to the title of this blog, several with stripes, and a fairly classic palette of navy, black, shades of grey, ochre... I like knits because I've got big arms and button-down shirts don't usually work well for me, no matter what size, so pullover tops with boat, v, and scoop necks, and as always, cardigans.

I've got several pairs of pants now that fit well and are enough for my current needs. Next on my list is more cardigans (this one at the Gap is my current favorite, and is a steal when it's on sale!) and shoes. I like ballet flats a lot, and I am on a quest to find comfortable ones that are also stylish and affordable. I also love sneakers of all kinds and need to replace my old Chuck Taylors. And loafers? Or oxfords? or Chelsea boots?

It's nice to feel like I can participate in fashion on some level again. What joy! And it's only going to get better.

When I was getting ready this morning, it felt good to look in the mirror.