Eye-opening

I'd like to give a big thanks to BikiniQuest, who kicked my ass in a good way in the comments section of my last post. I found her brand of tough love shocking at first, and then incredibly flattering. After all, I haven't even absent for a week! But, it was a big eye-opener in that I hadn't really been cognizant of the fact that I'd become less and less emotionally involved with the writing in this blog. Yes, I suppose that's true, and I think the reason is because my experience with eating and food and losing weight IS so emotional, and things had become so hard to even think about starting that maybe I just thought I needed to back off of the self-therapy sessions for a while. Or something.

But the reality is, that is who I am and that is what makes my experience and this blog with they are, too. So, from now on I pledge consistent posting and complete honesty. I want you to be in on what I am going through, good and bad. It wasn't my intention to shut you out. That would defeat the purpose of a public blog, now, wouldn't it?

By now maybe you are wondering what's been going on with me this past week. It's been interesting! I've actually had a pretty successful week overall, and figured out some stuff. One thing is that our budget is really tight and we were spending way too much money on food -- lots of take-out, and just eating too much in general (both me and my partner). So this week we have been trying to eat what we have in the house as much as possible, and to leave things for leftovers, which means that in general at least I've been eating less (I'm not sure how C. feels about how he's been eating). Another thing is that I've been avoiding eating at all after dinner. No snacks. This has been easier because of the financial shoring up, too. I'm not buying a lot of extras like I used to. I haven't missed it, really... if it's not in the cupboard (or fridge, or freezer), then it's not really a struggle. Genius.

Finally, I've just been less obsessed with food in general. This could be temporary, I don't know. But I am holding onto it for now. It feels nice to not having ideas of what I want to eat always gnawing at my craw.

As a result I have found myself with rather little effort back down on the scale, at least slightly below where I was when I started this back up at the beginning of March. That's good news. This month was a major struggle, but I kept at it. I didn't let myself stay down for long, even when it felt impossible to ever get back on track again.

Sometimes, honestly, I just felt like giving up on this blog because it seemed so stupid to keep reporting how I fell off yet again or got back on yet again. Like BikiniQuest intimated, though, it is the experience that is important, all the ups and downs, not, as she puts it, "the drinks at the end of the race". A beer does sound good about now, though! :)

To give you an idea about where my mind has been lately, here is a relevant excerpt of an entry in my LiveJournal from a couple days ago:

"Lately I haven't been snacking after dinner, and it seems to really make a difference. I wasn't losing weight at all there for a while, and now I seem to be starting to again, which is nice. I'm not making a HUGE effort, but I definitely want to lose the weight I gained back recently, so like 20-25 pounds... I don't like judging other people when it comes to someone saying, "Oh, I need to lose weight, my clothes are getting tight," but then when I see what they look like and that they may as well be a runway model, it really bugs me. The reason I bring this up is that I was browsing some crafty/arty blogs, and came across one that was really interesting and attractive overall. The blogger was saying things like this. It just really rankled me even though I don't have the right to be her body police, or anyone else's... I don't know. Even worse (or maybe because of?) is that she is designs and makes clothes. Why do people have to be like that, doesn't she know how fortunate she is? (OK, I know that last statement is very problematic on my part... lucky to be thin? Ugh. Not really. Lucky, maybe, to have easy access to just about whatever clothes she'd like to wear, lucky to not be as likely to be discriminated against because of her size, lucky to be afforded the luxuries that anyone of a "normal" size gets afforded.)"

I have definitely been much more aware of my body as a thing this month, so desperately trying to shape it to my will, to make it get down on its knees and beg mercy. When I am out amongst people I am especially conscious of my size and of who I am, who I want to be, and maybe most importantly, who I don't want to be. I wonder if the people who are with me feel embarrassed. I wonder if the people passing by on the street snicker at me, or are disgusted. Despite these thoughts, or maybe because of them, I always try to carry myself with dignity and pride.