More Gratitude

I have to say, these gratitude prompts are strange indeed. But I've gotten this far, surely I must stay committed to completion, yes? (Yes, for this and so many other things! More later.)

The sound of purring is heavenly. Our baby Nico!

Day 5: What sound are you grateful for? 

Not to get all Garfunkel on you and stuff, but I really, really love the absence of sound. I love quiet. I wear earplugs to bed most nights. I value that most of the time, the office where I work is quiet as a default.

OK, OK, but as far as sounds go, I am always happy to hear (and indeed, grateful for) the purr of any of our cats, especially when it's right against my ear like when our grey cat Nico lays against my head on the pillow in bed. Bliss.

One of the bird-watching places we have visited in our region. Gorgeous. Early morning.

Day 6: What in nature are you grateful for?

I am grateful for ALL nature. I used to never consider myself an outdoorsy person, but in the past few years especially I have grown to have a deep appreciation for undeveloped land. I grew up in the country and happy I did, and I'd love to get back to living in the country as an adult, one day. It is utter bliss to go on a hike through the woods any time of the year.

Day 7: What memory are you grateful for?

What? Really? So weird. But, now that I really think about it I am very happy to be able to remember distinct moments or characteristics of those in my life who were important to me but who have passed away. I can picture their faces, the way they walked or did things, I can hear their voices quite clearly! In that way they are always with me.

***

So, with that out of the way, let me check in about stuff that is more pertinent to this blog – that is, my weight and eating and all the rest. Well, it's not good news at all.

I totally stopped paying close attention or making care in my choices the past week. I didn't even weigh in on Saturday because I just couldn't face what I knew probably happened. I did, however, weigh in today, and my suspicions were confirmed. The scale read 300.2. Fuck.

I've gained more than ten pounds since last Saturday. The good news is that this morning I was ready to face it, and I am ready to deal with it. Some points:

• This is not what I want for myself.

• Eating indiscriminately is fun, but you know what? It doesn't feel good.

• I have been getting rid of all the clothes that were becoming too big on me, so if I don't take care of this now I will literally have nothing to wear. I refuse to buy anything new that is bigger than what I already have. (By the way, if you are in the process of losing weight, I highly recommend getting rid of your bigger clothes – don't give yourself something to fall back on!)

• I have been avoiding going to see my doctor because I've gained weight, which is stupid.

• My partner is in a similar boat and is on board to start eating better again, so I will have built-in support at home.

• Now that I am on the mend from the cold and sinus infection, I am going to ease back into exercise. Today I'm going to try light walking again, and we may go on a walk together after I get home from work later.

• I am mad at myself but know what I need to do to fix this.

• It can't be great for me to keep losing and gaining the same ten pounds over and over. BREAK THE CYCLE!!!

• I am ready to do this again.

ETA, mere hours later: Am I really ready? Come lunchtime I was paralyzed about what to eat. The plan had been to get a Panera salad, but I didn't. I ended up at Burger King. It wasn't the worst thing ever, and the food is logged and I am holding accountable and still have some calories left for later... BUT the universe saved me from myself. After I ate the food, I decided that fuck it, I just wanted a shake or something sweet, too. I didn't care for a good ten minutes while I tried to hook up. First: drive down to Wendy's for a Frosty. Drive-thru line too long. Hmph. OK, try McDonalds where I ordered a chocolate shake AND a pumpkin pie (Really???). Got to the window to pay, and the cashier tells me: "I just found out. The shake machine is down."

Wow! I told her to forget the whole order and I drove away, shaking my head, and then immediately thanking the universe. It became SO OBVIOUS that I wasn't meant to do that to myself today.

Talk about grateful. I was given a second chance to stay on track today.