Visualization

One problem I really have is being able to visualize myself at a "normal" weight. It's hard to imagine that my body can look like anything except what it looks like now. Even though I've been every weight between 120 and 370 pounds at this height, I just can't imagine it anymore. I've weighed at least 250 pounds for about 15 years, and at least 300 pounds for 10. It just seems like I'll never be anything other than morbidly obese, even though I've experienced every other state on the BMI chart since age 16.

It's also funny to me that when I was a teenager, that 120 pound self couldn't see anything but a big whale in the mirror, or when she took a bath (I've always been a bath person!). Unfortunately my teen self also did really bad things like starve herself, take laxatives, and exercise obsessively. I still don't remember how I could make it through a day at school like that, but I guess I did.

Nowadays, I definitely know I am fat, but I am still startled when I see full-length photographs that show big I have really become. Hey, I am not laying judgement down on that as bad or good – I'm just saying. In my head, I see myself as looking much different, but unlike my younger self, it falls down on a more positive view. I guess that is progress?

I don't really know what's going on with my body. I am hoping my new doctor will help me find out more about it and how I can feel better. I feel achey and tired a lot, for example. Many days begin with a dose of ibuprofen so that I don't feel so creaky. My boyfriend of 14 years thinks that it's the extra weight that's doing it, but I always brush it off. However, since I've been back reading other weight loss blogs (a tidy label, maybe not totally accurate in all case – health and fitness blogs, maybe?), I see that many people who've been writing about the differences they experience in the after part of their journey say that those aches and pains are gone, or at least greatly diminished.

My body might be saying, "Hey! ~370 pounds is a LOT of weight to carry around! It hurts!"

Arthritis runs in my family, though – I have family members who are not fat who feel similarly. So I don't know.

So back to the visualization thing. Because it is so hard for me to imagine my body looking any different, I think it makes the idea of doing what I am doing harder, as in, what's the point? It's hard for me to explain. And there's the point of me knowing that how I am trying to live now is the best way to live whether I am big or small, whether I lost any weight at all  – the exercise, the eating, the water, the vitamins, etc. etc. is something that I should always, always be doing not just as a means to an end but a means to survival and a means to a good quality of life.

But still, I wonder: What will I look like next month, next year, in ten years? This is me a couple months ago, and I look just about the same now.

Tipping the scales at my heaviest weight ever. I'm cool, and I'm big. And yes, it's almost always art school black.

The Missing Pieces

I'm trying to fill in the blanks. These pieces are crucial to getting myself healthy and fit.

Missing Piece 1. Doctor, doctor!

I had an appointment with my new GP doc! I had not been seeing my previous doctor or following up as much as I should have mainly because his office was so far away, in my home town. Though I've lived in Niagara Falls for almost seven years, I never made too much of an effort to find someone new because I really liked the doctor I had. Driving an hour and change to go see him, though, was definitely a barrier. Once I made the decision to start really taking care of myself,  I finally did something about it.

My new doctor's office is about 10-15 minutes away from my house and I got really lucky – he is fantastic. Very kind and gentle, asks lots of questions, listens carefully and doesn't rush the appointment. Bonus is that he is not judgmental about my weight (not that any doc should be, but as you may know, that is not always the case!) and wants to help me with my goals on a very gradual basis. He recommended that I see a nutritionist, which sounds great, and he doesn't think considering weight loss surgery should be on the table at this point, either, which was a relief to me. In general, he said that I seem to be in pretty good shape otherwise, though we'll see what my bloodwork reveals when we meet again later in June. My intention is to follow his suggestions and take any prescriptions he gives me – something I didn't do the last time I was given instructions by a doctor. Oops. Surprisingly, he was not too concerned about my blood pressure for now, which clocked in at 146/90, not so great. He wants to see how it might be affected by my recent lifestyle changes before medicating it.

On the plus side, it seems that my home scale is on par with the office scale, and my resting heart rate is about 60 (I also checked this out the other morning before I woke up, and got about 56. Not too shabby!

In short, I really like my new doctor and I'm actually looking forward to going back to see him. He is someone who will help me to take the best care of myself, not just to lose weight.

Missing Piece 2. Taskmaster.

I had a couple killer workouts with my trainer, Rick. Thursday's was particularly fun but very intense. It was the first time I had used a medicine ball, and the exercise was simple but effective. Rick rolled the ball to me from a distance. I bent at the knees to pick it up, and quickly made a long step forward (like a lunge) and threw the ball back to him. I know it doesn't sound like much, but after doing that a number of times, whew! I felt it everywhere. Two days later, I still feel it everywhere, in fact. Oof.

Missing Piece 3. Mind over Matter.

I've been trying not to put too much stock in the scale, though I am monitoring my weight a few days a week. The numbers are heading down, though not super quickly, which is fine. I'm doing what I am doing in what I hope is a sustainable lifestyle, once and for all. If nothing else, I know that I am making much better choices in what I am eating, and eating much less junk than I had been. That feels good. Using the Pact app has been helping me to stay on track with getting more fruits and veggies in each week, committing to the gym, and tracking my food each day. What I am trying to do is train myself, establish new and better habits. Maybe it's sad that I need something like that to help me do that, but whatever. I think it is working, and it's a bonus that I will actually earn about $2 a week doing it! I'm one of those people who is spurred on by competition and by money. The latter is one of the reasons I signed up for training sessions at my gym – that costs some serious change each month, but I tell you what, it gets me there, and the workouts I get with my trainers are way better than anything I would have devised on my own to start. Totally worth it.

I tried on the two swimsuits I have (each bought several years ago but never worn), and neither fit. I need to remedy this soon, as I really want to start going swimming at the gym, not to mention enjoy the jacuzzi after a tough workout! Yes, I am determined to do this despite my fear of exposing my body to the public like that. (Funny to hear from someone who used to be a nude model for art classes!) Understand that I don't like to wear short sleeves or anything exposing my legs anymore, even in summer. This will be a big step for me, but I am going to do it.

I've had a few ups and downs the past week. I feel like I am trying really hard at this stuff. I AM trying really hard! But, it is really hard not to look down that very long road I have ahead of me. I have so far to go, yet if I don't keep taking those small steps, I'm never going to get anywhere. I noticed that I feel something that feels a little like confidence this week, knowing what I was able to do at the gym, knowing that my eating habits are improving, yet I keep having the nagging feeling that I am not getting anywhere.

Well, silly, it's only been a few weeks! Rome wasn't built in a day. This takes time, especially if I want it to stick. I think this is going to the hardest thought for me to get past, and I need to get past it if I do want to reach my goals. It was always the missing piece all those times I lost a big chunk of weight. Let's see if I can find that missing piece this time.

Clarification

What I am doing and what I am not doing.

If you are reading this, thank you. If you are a friend or family member, especially if you see me in person, here are some things you should know as a supportive person.

• I am not on a diet. I am not restricting myself in the way that most people would think; however I am trying to align my eating habits based on information that is out there about our food supply, and on stuff that is common sense. I want to eat FOOD.

• I don't want to eat artificial stuff. I don't want to eat gross chemicals. I don't want artificially no-fat, low-fat, Aspartamed crap. I'm going to eat butter and sugar, but I am also going to eat whole grain as much as I can, and I'm going to try to eat whole foods period as much as I can (no, not the store). I'll be eating a lot of fruits and veggies, but am I going to stop eating pizza or cake? No.

• I'm reading the labels a lot more these days, but not just for calories and fat content.

• I am hoping to avoid having to take medications for things like high blood pressure and dia-beet-us. I want to stop feeling tired all the time.

• I will be checking in with my doctor on a more regular basis, and I will take his advice.

• I will continue to take all my vitamins every day.

• I will continue to drink lots and lots of water every day.

• I will continue going to the gym regularly and build strength and endurance.

• I will continue working on being happy and being a good person.

• If I mess up, I will pick myself up and try again, and never stop trying.

xoxo

Um, hi. Again.

I've been debating on whether I wanted to come back to this blog again after a two year absence, whether I wanted to blog about what I have been up to the past few months and what I am doing now.

I have mixed feelings about the whole weight loss thing. I am all for fat acceptance and I believe that everyone should be at peace and love their body as it is, no matter what. I will always believe this.

Yet here I am, blogging about losing weight.

My last high weight was 350 pounds. I lost 50 a few years ago and kept working at it, but still ended up back where I started and more. Most recently, my high weight clocked in at 372, give or take. Honestly, this scares the f--- out of me. So much that I was even considering weight loss surgery of some kind. (It had been suggested to me by medical professionals in the past and I've always been like, "NO!", but I was starting to think about it.)

I'm 5'8" tall and all the weight is really, really affecting my life in bad ways. I probably don't need to tell you how uncomfortable so much extra weight on your body can feel.

At the end of last year, I needed to spend some money from my health insurance, who provides a wellness card that can be used on things like health food, vitamins, and gym memberships. A new club opened up not far away and so I decided that I'd use the card on that. I went in just before Christmas to sign up and walked away with a commitment to a year's worth of weekly sessions with a trainer as well. I wanted to start getting in shape, but I also knew that I needed as much help as I could get.

Overall, it's been going well. I had my first appointment the day after Christmas and got started. Each week I met with my trainer faithfully and tried to get one other solo session in until early February. I was taking it slow and aiming to establish a habit of getting there at least that one time. Then, I hit a roadblock – I had a big art exhibition that I was preparing for in a couple weeks and I just stopped going. The good news, though, was that during the two+ months hiatus, I was accumulating training sessions. When I finally started going back at the end of April, I had lots of extras which meant that I could meet with my trainer twice a week for a while. Since then, that's just what I have been doing, and this past week, I had my first three times in one week at the gym! #thenewnormal, lol.

I ended up connecting with a new trainer a couple weeks ago, Rick, who has been very inspiring and motivating. It's made a BIG difference for me. We talk not only about the workout but other healthy habits and what I need to shoot for. He focuses a lot on proper form and takes me through a wide variety of strength exercises, both on machines and with weights, as well as my own body.

This past week I lost about 5 pounds, which is great, but I'm getting into a mindset where so much other stuff is important, too.

I'm trying to make all sorts of positive changes in my life, but in small steps that are manageable. I'm also really digging all the various apps that I can use on my iPhone to help me do those things. Here's a sampling:

• I joined a CSA, so I will have fresh fruits and veggies from a local farm every week starting in early June through the fall.

• I joined Pact so that I am accountable for my commitment to the gym (3x/week), logging my food and water intake, and eating my fruits and veggies! Money is a great motivator for me. So far, it's been great and I love being more aware of my actions.

• I am back to MyFitnessPal. This time, it's purely logging and no self-judgement. If I have an off day (or even an off meal), well, you can always have a fresh start!

• I started using Mint.com again to track my spending habits (something else I have had issues with in the past), especially to see how I am managing my food budget – easy to see how much is spent for groceries vs. getting take out vs. fast food. This is also an excellent motivator. I was really astonished by how much I was buying fast food, and I am looking forward to seeing how I will improve on that front from here on out. My partner and I have also been trying to cook most of our meals again, and I have been brown-bagging it to work happily. It feels good!

Anyway, so that's where I am. There's a long journey ahead of me, but I need to concentrate on the individual steps that will take me to the end. It's easy to get bogged down by the big picture, so I am trying not to think about it too much.

That said, goals are good. Here are some of mine.

Weight

1. Reach 350 (my last highest weight)
2. Reach 300 (where I last left off)
3. Get below 300 in a sustained way (something I haven't done in a long time)
4. 250
5. 200
6 ???

I'm not interested in getting skinny, per se. I'm interested in feeling comfortable physically and being able to do anything I want to. The last time I was at 250, I felt that way. So we'll see how it goes.

Fitness

1. Walk a 20-minute mile
2. Walk 2 miles comfortably
3. Walk 3.1 miles (5k) comfortably
4. Start Couch to 5K again
5. Swimming! (Get over swimsuit anxiety)
6. Yoga (My body gets in its own way currently)

I want to do ALL the things.

It's nice to be back.

Eight months later

So, hi!

It's been a loooong time. Last time we met I was just at around a 50 pound loss and about to go away on a two-week long art-related getaway. I had a great summer and an extremely busy and stressful fall. Here now in 2012, I feel fairly content with just the right amount of "stuff" going on in my life, yet... I gained back the 50 pounds and maybe a few more – I've been afraid to confirm or deny that on the scale.

Oh god, it's so sad that I haven't been able to get a grip on this one aspect of my life. I try not to beat myself up over it but it really is frustrating. Not to mention, I know that weight fluctuations like that are so bad for you. And I'll be 42 this year and really need to make my health a priority, etc. etc.

I'm writing here today because I was on my way to writing in one of my other blogs and happened to see the picture of myself in the previous post. Look how much of difference 50 pounds makes in my face! Blergh. Well, maybe just starting to write here in general will help me get into a better mindframe to tackle this yet again. Anyway... if you are still out there, I hope you are doing well! I'll be posting here fairly regularly again, to see what I can make happen.

Here I Am

This is me, photo taken just the other night.

Just because.

Still not

Ugh, I am still not below 300 pounds yet. Grrr. I was down as low as 300.6 but for no apparent reason (seriously!) went back up to 302.

Yesterday I had another "fail" at going out to eat with friends, but to be fair, it was rather accidental on my part; I ordered a main dish that was totally on program (chicken with greens and tomatoes at a Lebanese place), but then also ordered an appetizer of spinach pies, which in retrospect was a dumb move... anything with the word "pie" in it is surely something to avoid when I am in diet phase. They ended up being three little dough pillows filled with spinach, and no one in my party wanted them and I knew that my partner wouldn't want to eat them if I brought them home. Honestly, I just couldn't bear wasting the money or the food. Stupid, I know. So, I ended up eating them.

That wasn't the worst of it, though. It ended up being a full-blown bad day. My relationship has been very stressful lately for reasons that I won't go into here, and yesterday I just lost the ability to deal with it rationally anymore. I've been very consciously trying NOT to turn to food when I am upset these days and it's been working pretty well, but yesterday after the spinach pies thing I pretty much decided to just eat. I ended up eating 6 (rather thin) slices of pizza that my partner got, and a bowl of ice cream, and some pretzels and cheese dip, and a bowl of popcorn. All told I suppose I have certainly done worse for myself, and I never really felt out of control, but it was still something I was just compelled to do, like it was all I could do. Of course I do know otherwise.

I really, really lucked out — or maybe it was the yard work I also did yesterday — but I didn't show a gain today.

Also, my period is finally over.

I will be eating totally on plan today, and crossing my fingers that I finally reach my first big goal tomorrow. It often happens that way post-binge.

Technically tomorrow begins my first day on maintenance, but I've made the executive decision to remain on program until I go away to Michigan on Saturday, and then I will go on maintenance. I would like some padding between me and 300 pounds if at all possible before I leave — and yes, I am bringing my scale with me!

In other news, those size 22 pants I have in my wardrobe are just about wearable outside the house. I was even able to squeeze into those size 20 jeans I bought the last time I lost weight and never got to wear — tags still on, even! That's awesome.

Almost!

So, I am one of those bloggers who doesn't really post photos very often. I suppose that makes me a little boring!

Well, here is a photo for you. It is of me and my dad along with my uncle and cousins. I'm on the far left.



This isn't a recent photo; it's actually from October 2008, and that was the last time that I weighed about what I weigh now. Actually, I am probably a few pounds lighter now than I was then, but not by much. The main point of showing you this is that today, I am wearing the same jeans that I wore in that photo, and they are comfortable! They fit perfectly! It's been a long time coming, let me tell you. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at that exact photograph and pined over those jeans. (They're just cheap ones from K-Mart, actually, but one of the best-fitting pairs I've owned!)

So here I am. It's funny, because I feel a lot differently now at this weight than I did then. It's less exciting in a way, this time around; maybe because it's still kind of old hat, making up for lost time. Maybe once I get below 300 it'll start to feel different. I don't feel as "skinny" even though my partner has told me that my body seems like it, as if my body changed composition since 2008 or something. Who knows?

That's not to say that I don't feel good, because I do. I feel fantastic. Just making observations, is all.

Eating today was still a bit of a challenge because we're still broke and I can't go out and replenish my stock of veggies and fruits. I still have some frozen items, which is good, but I will admit it: I am spoiled when it comes to fresh! Today I made up a dish using some defrosted chicken, frozen peas, and the two asparagus stalks that showed up in my garden. I made a Thai-inspired stir fry that also involved fresh minced garlic and a minced chile that came out of the freezer (we froze a ton of our home-grown chiles last year!), plus some red curry paste, a splash of milk, and some homemade red pepper flakes. It was pretty good, and it made enough for two meals, so I'll have it again for tomorrow. I've had my last two apples and peanut butter for each meal, and for dinner I just made myself a can of tomato soup since I ate all my protein for the day at lunch. Not the best choice, but not terrible, either. Oh, and one indiscretion: a few tiny pretzels with a couple tablespoons of cheese dip (i.e. one serving of each, I'd guess). I don't think it's going to mess things up too much, if at all, considering how much little else I've had to eat today.

I haven't even mentioned the best part! Scale read 301.8 this morning, so close to my first big goal.

Well, my first big goal is to get below 300 pounds. I have another one close on its heels, too. A 50 pound loss, which would put me at 298.8. Here's hoping that both happen before the end of the week — I start maintenance on Sunday!

A word about maintenance. I want to psych myself up for it, first of all. I absolutely have to maintain my weight across this next maintenance, particularly because I will be yet so close to the 300 mark. I won't ever want to see a 3 at the beginning of my weight again. One thing that will be interesting is that for most of that time, I will be away from home! I'm going to a book arts workshop retreat that's two weeks long! I think this could be a really good thing for my eating. For one, I will be very busy most of the time, and probably very active, too. I've indicated on the dietary form that I would prefer to eat mostly fruits and vegetables and lean meats while I am there.

On the other hand, it could be really difficult. I really won't know until I get there, and the one thing I can do is just envision myself making the best choices I can, getting lots of exercise, drink lots of water, all that. I think visualization is a really powerful tool, and from here on out each night before I go to bed, I will picture myself doing all kind of good things for myself while I am away.

Do you have any good suggestions for strategies I can use going into the unknown? From what I hear, the place I am going to serves excellent food.

What I ate today

The further I go along in this program, the more I feel adjusted to the amount of food I eat. As a reminder, here is what I am supposed to eat each day:

No breakfast, but can have coffee or tea

Lunch & dinner, each: 4 oz. lean meat/seafood, 2-3 cups vegetables, 1-2 fruits, and 2 melba toast or grissini breadstick.

Recently we've been flat broke, so the past couple days have been more challenging to try to get what I need in each day. Yesterday, for instance, I didn't eat as much as I should have. Today, I was able to get everything in, but funny enough, I feel like I went overboard somehow. That's why I wanted to take notes about what I ate today, because I know that I didn't.

Lunch

Bowl of mixed greens with sliced strawberries and balsamic vinegar
1 small corn muffin (I made these for my partner and had one because I ran out of Melba toast, but forgot that I had grissini)
Sliced apple with spoonful of peanut butter

Dinner

Roasted cauliflower with one teaspoon of olive oil, salt and pepper
~8 oz. steak
Four grissini breadsticks
Sliced apple with spoonful of peanut butter

I ate all my protein at dinner, and yes, I had the verboten peanut butter and olive oil, but that is not unusual for me. Why do I feel so full? It is downright weird! I guess that it is just female stuff, with my tummy in a dull pain and feeling loagy in general.

It's nice to see that I stayed on track. I haven't had any urges to snack in between meals or in the evening at all this round, which is so great. I've been focusing instead on doing things around the house, keeping things in order, preparing my studio for an intense work period and hopefully some studio visits... I guess it is my lifestyle that is changing quite a lot, too.

Don't get me wrong. I still have trouble with certain things, like eating out. On Friday, for instance, I went out for Indian food with a couple former co-workers. It was great because I haven't seen them in so long, but on the other hand, I found it really hard to stay on program, or even to just avoid starchy foods even though at home I wouldn't generally think about indulging in, say, four pieces of naan. So there is clearly some behavior that is going to take time to unlearn, but I'm getting there. Having that awareness is a good step in the right direction, at least. I think my main problem with eating out is that it always feels like a special occasion, and so then "why not?" eat what I want? That is a mindset that I need to adjust.

Looking forward to another good day tomorrow. Last day of class at the college where I teach! Woo!

Thanks, TOM!

Ugh.

I have been doing mostly well on plan since I was last here, but making zero progress. It's annoying, but I fully blame TOM. Female stuff. Every time I get there, it always causes a stall, so I am not too worried. I am still going to call my practitioner tomorrow just to see what she has to say, if there is anything I can do additionally, but I really think once this is over, I'll probably have a big drop.

If not, whatever. I'm still sticking with it. Here are a few good reasons why!

1. I promised myself that if I am hanging all out here without any health insurance (though I will have it again starting in late August, hooray!), that I'd better start taking care of myself a lot better. And I have. Things have been good health-wise, knock on wood, and continue to get better. I can sense that.

2. I need to fit into the airplane seat in October!

3. I am so close to wearing a whole new wardrobe, it isn't even funny. Ooh, on Friday I was able to wear outside of the house a pair of pants I wore when I lost weight about eight years ago! My body must have changed a lot over the years, because I was wearing those pants a good 40, almost 50 pounds lighter back then.

4. I have an extreme psychological need to get below 300 pounds. Once I get there (and comfortably stay there), I will feel a weird sort of safety and achievement. Not that I will rest on my laurels!

5. I just want to finally DO IT. I don't want to spend the rest of my life futzing around with this crap. Like my mom said, with the plan we are working with, now we have a go-to, clear-cut thing we can do immediately if the weight starts to creep up again. I do not want to be 50 and still working on losing weight. Heck, I don't even want to be 45 and doing it. I could very well be done with the losing by the time I am 42 if I remain vigilant.