I am going back on starting tomorrow. I just am.
The plan:
Daily walks and/or runs
Tracking food
Daily weighs
Sign up at the gym
That's it. It's worked before, and it will work again. Thanks, Claire for pointing out what should have been obvious: I am my greatest work of art.
C. is totally on board, too. When I told him, he was like, "Thank god. I've totally gained weight." Aw.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Hello again
Hmph. Hello!
I'm still gaining weight. Life has been a little crazy lately so food choices have gone out the window completely. Definitely eating emotionally, like 75% of the time, or something.
We were dealing with our sick cat, who we finally decided to have put down yesterday morning. I went to work after that but was a huge mess, so went home after a couple hours and slept most of the afternoon and ate crap. I'm still shaken today, so I can tell you for a fact that no major lifestyle changes are going to happen soon, but damn! I have been feeling so crappy. My relationship with myself has been just terrible, even if other aspects of my life are good (aside from losing Azrael, of course). I barely look in mirrors anymore, my clothing situation has become utterly deplorable (and I am caring less and less just because there is little I can do about it at the moment financially), and I know that my hair has become a shield. It's just about to my waist in the back, shorter in the front and I totally use it to hide and/or distract... although who the hell do I think I am fooling, anyway? It's pretty ridiculous. I desperately want and need a haircut.
I feel like I am approaching personal crisis mode.
I still want to, and plan to, join the gym like I was talking about in my last post. I should be able to swing it pocketbook-wise in the next week or two, and I will do it, I promise! I also really miss running, truly. And I have an excellent impetus to start up again tout de suite. It involves writing about my experiences as a runner and submitting it to be considered for a book of collected stories on the subject. I would love to write about how I developed last year, what a struggle it was and is now that I am lapsed. But I also want to be doing it again as I am writing the thing, otherwise how would it be relevant, really? I love to write and would love to have a story published. This is a great opportunity on several levels that I really need to commit to. I'm thinking I may start tomorrow. I have to do something.
Though I hate to say it, I have an absolute loathing for my body lately. It's like we are the worst enemies and I don't want it to be this way. I want to rekindle the love we once had for each other. The thing is, the ball is totally in my court because I know the minute I decide to start treating it nicely again, it will reciprocate tenfold.
Must commit. Must.
I'm still gaining weight. Life has been a little crazy lately so food choices have gone out the window completely. Definitely eating emotionally, like 75% of the time, or something.
We were dealing with our sick cat, who we finally decided to have put down yesterday morning. I went to work after that but was a huge mess, so went home after a couple hours and slept most of the afternoon and ate crap. I'm still shaken today, so I can tell you for a fact that no major lifestyle changes are going to happen soon, but damn! I have been feeling so crappy. My relationship with myself has been just terrible, even if other aspects of my life are good (aside from losing Azrael, of course). I barely look in mirrors anymore, my clothing situation has become utterly deplorable (and I am caring less and less just because there is little I can do about it at the moment financially), and I know that my hair has become a shield. It's just about to my waist in the back, shorter in the front and I totally use it to hide and/or distract... although who the hell do I think I am fooling, anyway? It's pretty ridiculous. I desperately want and need a haircut.
I feel like I am approaching personal crisis mode.
I still want to, and plan to, join the gym like I was talking about in my last post. I should be able to swing it pocketbook-wise in the next week or two, and I will do it, I promise! I also really miss running, truly. And I have an excellent impetus to start up again tout de suite. It involves writing about my experiences as a runner and submitting it to be considered for a book of collected stories on the subject. I would love to write about how I developed last year, what a struggle it was and is now that I am lapsed. But I also want to be doing it again as I am writing the thing, otherwise how would it be relevant, really? I love to write and would love to have a story published. This is a great opportunity on several levels that I really need to commit to. I'm thinking I may start tomorrow. I have to do something.
Though I hate to say it, I have an absolute loathing for my body lately. It's like we are the worst enemies and I don't want it to be this way. I want to rekindle the love we once had for each other. The thing is, the ball is totally in my court because I know the minute I decide to start treating it nicely again, it will reciprocate tenfold.
Must commit. Must.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I just wanted to say
...that I think I am going to join a nice gym. I had an amazing chat with a new friend of mine while bowling last night about body and weight issues, and we decided it would be awesome to have each other as gym buddies. She has a contract to finish out with Curves, but after that she'll perhaps join me at the gym...
I'm not sure when I will do this, probably in the next week or two. But I am going to do it.
By the way... I finally got over 100 in bowling! 104 was my best score so far last night. Bowling also totally kicks your a$$, in the best possible way. Yay bowling!
My eating hasn't improved much yet, but for now I will focus on improving my physical activity. Lots of gardening is on the schedule this weekend, and maybe even a walk or run.
My moods are dramatically up and down. I think I might be on an upswing.
I'm not sure when I will do this, probably in the next week or two. But I am going to do it.
By the way... I finally got over 100 in bowling! 104 was my best score so far last night. Bowling also totally kicks your a$$, in the best possible way. Yay bowling!
My eating hasn't improved much yet, but for now I will focus on improving my physical activity. Lots of gardening is on the schedule this weekend, and maybe even a walk or run.
My moods are dramatically up and down. I think I might be on an upswing.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Thank you.
I'd like to say a big thanks to those of you who offered words of support via comments and emails. I'm very touched by your words of encouragement, and maybe you would be happy to know that it really does have a great effect on me—it does make a difference, whether I am getting back in the proverbial saddle or not. Your words help me to not want to give up completely, and that is so important. Isn't it?
I am within just 15 pounds of where I started back in January 2008. It's really discouraging to see a certain number on the scale, or to feel how my clothes don't really fit so well, if at all, anymore. I still have garbage bags full of my old fatter clothes, which I suppose I can see as a good thing, but it makes me wonder: if I hadn't known those clothes were still there, would I have been more diligent to keep the weight off? All these little psychological games I play with myself get so tiresome. I don't like to second guess my choices, playing Monday morning quarterback. What's the point?
I'm trying to think more about timelines than deadlines, greyscales instead of black and whites (you know who you are out there!). I think having goals is still important, but not to put a due date on them.
There have been some stressful things going on in my life lately, which don't help matters. I listen to my thoughts and they sound like this: "Oh, I can't wait to have lunch." "I will have a big bowl of ice cream sundae for dessert, that will feel good." I find myself looking forward to eating as an event more than most things; the converse of this is the daily debate with C. about what's for dinner. I also think things like, "I wish we didn't have to eat, what a pain." All or nothing, I guess. Moderation has not been appealing to me in the least, and I have usually been eating beyond being full.
It's not comfortable physically or emotionally, but I just keep doing it. And I suffer the effects: depression, lethargy, seclusion. Fortunately I have a loving, supportive partner, without whom I am not sure what I'd do... he tells me things like, "You'll lose the weight," very matter-of-factly.
Positive reinforcement is nice. Enough times, hearing over and over "You can do it!" or "You're worth it!", you start to actually believe it.
But no one thing is a magic bullet. I have to take that inspiration and encouragement and manifest it into something real. I know I have it in me, somewhere deep down. I have to find the strength and confidence to pull it out of the muck.
I am within just 15 pounds of where I started back in January 2008. It's really discouraging to see a certain number on the scale, or to feel how my clothes don't really fit so well, if at all, anymore. I still have garbage bags full of my old fatter clothes, which I suppose I can see as a good thing, but it makes me wonder: if I hadn't known those clothes were still there, would I have been more diligent to keep the weight off? All these little psychological games I play with myself get so tiresome. I don't like to second guess my choices, playing Monday morning quarterback. What's the point?
I'm trying to think more about timelines than deadlines, greyscales instead of black and whites (you know who you are out there!). I think having goals is still important, but not to put a due date on them.
There have been some stressful things going on in my life lately, which don't help matters. I listen to my thoughts and they sound like this: "Oh, I can't wait to have lunch." "I will have a big bowl of ice cream sundae for dessert, that will feel good." I find myself looking forward to eating as an event more than most things; the converse of this is the daily debate with C. about what's for dinner. I also think things like, "I wish we didn't have to eat, what a pain." All or nothing, I guess. Moderation has not been appealing to me in the least, and I have usually been eating beyond being full.
It's not comfortable physically or emotionally, but I just keep doing it. And I suffer the effects: depression, lethargy, seclusion. Fortunately I have a loving, supportive partner, without whom I am not sure what I'd do... he tells me things like, "You'll lose the weight," very matter-of-factly.
Positive reinforcement is nice. Enough times, hearing over and over "You can do it!" or "You're worth it!", you start to actually believe it.
But no one thing is a magic bullet. I have to take that inspiration and encouragement and manifest it into something real. I know I have it in me, somewhere deep down. I have to find the strength and confidence to pull it out of the muck.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
It has to be said
I am really upset about my weight situation right now. I've had a total loss of control and have a bizarre totally caring about it/totally not caring about it dichotomy that makes dealing with things really difficult.
Yesterday I heard the former tennis pro Monica Seles on NPR talking about her new book, which apparently talks a lot about her own struggles with food and body issues. Apparently she has been "OK" for the past five years, and hearing her talk reminded me of how I sound when I tell people about when I am in the middle of losing a good chunk of weight, when I am in the zone and doing well. Kind of all dreamy and confident and emphatic. Big difference is, obviously, she has been able to maintain her weight loss for five years, whereas I haven't ever been able to for longer than six months.
There's a serious disconnect here. I was totally thinking that there is something in my brain that really needs fixing, and that if I could fix it, I wouldn't have a weight problem. That the fat is merely a symptom of something else entirely. The honest truth is that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food, not at all. And until I can fix that, I will probably never be able to lose and keep off weight. This has been going on for practically a lifetime.
I'm wondering if I should seriously consider returning to some form of counseling specifically addressing this issue, or even attending OA meetings. The latter sounds really unappealing, though. I actually did go to a couple OA meetings about 15 years ago and they just made me feel funny, but who knows? Maybe it would be different at this point in my life. All I know is that I have to do something, because I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am simply not happy with my body because it is not serving me well. I'm keenly aware of certain limitations returning as I gain more and more weight back, and it's freaking me the fuck out.
There. I said it.
Yesterday I heard the former tennis pro Monica Seles on NPR talking about her new book, which apparently talks a lot about her own struggles with food and body issues. Apparently she has been "OK" for the past five years, and hearing her talk reminded me of how I sound when I tell people about when I am in the middle of losing a good chunk of weight, when I am in the zone and doing well. Kind of all dreamy and confident and emphatic. Big difference is, obviously, she has been able to maintain her weight loss for five years, whereas I haven't ever been able to for longer than six months.
There's a serious disconnect here. I was totally thinking that there is something in my brain that really needs fixing, and that if I could fix it, I wouldn't have a weight problem. That the fat is merely a symptom of something else entirely. The honest truth is that I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food, not at all. And until I can fix that, I will probably never be able to lose and keep off weight. This has been going on for practically a lifetime.
I'm wondering if I should seriously consider returning to some form of counseling specifically addressing this issue, or even attending OA meetings. The latter sounds really unappealing, though. I actually did go to a couple OA meetings about 15 years ago and they just made me feel funny, but who knows? Maybe it would be different at this point in my life. All I know is that I have to do something, because I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am simply not happy with my body because it is not serving me well. I'm keenly aware of certain limitations returning as I gain more and more weight back, and it's freaking me the fuck out.
There. I said it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Not again!
Ugh, I am doing it again—unconsciously avoiding posting here.
I'm sort of wondering if I might just informally withdraw for a while. To be honest, blogging about the things I have been going through on this stalled journey gets kind of depressing. I really haven't gotten anywhere in the past month and it just plain sucks. I'm not having a pity party or anything, and I'm going to say terrible things about myself because of it. I am just sick of analyzing everything.
The quick set of facts is that I have pretty much stayed within the same three pounds or so for weeks. And today I weighed in at 330.2, which really pissed me off. It really did. But, it wasn't unexpected. I've been eating pretty willy-nilly the past week, like the switch was turned off again. I don't know... I DO care, and I hate having to rifle through the bags of fatter fat clothing that had become too big for me when I lost weight last year for something to wear, but I wonder if I have it in me.
I'm so sick of this roller coaster ride. I'm sick of wearing the same clothes over and over. I'm sick of not fitting in (sometimes physically, sometimes socially, sometimes both), but I'll be darned if I can do anything about it.
I don't feel like going out walking or running in the cold and snow, and yes, we've had winter weather the past few days. I can't tell you how sick of that I am. It might be part of what is getting me down, I'd bet five dollars on it, in fact. I want nice weather, I want to be able to work in the gardens, I want to go for walks and runs and bike rides and enjoy just being. The winter's been too long; I just can't take it anymore. Not in April.
So much for being born and bred in the Buffalo area, huh? It's sort of how I never get used to getting a period every month, either. They still both suck.
I am taking a break from here for a while. It may last a month, or a week, or just a day. But I need to give myself permission (or persimmon, like I was originally about to type) to do this. I have a feeling I will feel much better about everything once we really see spring, and once I am not in the middle of that time of the month anymore.
Maybe I should move south and get a hysterectomy.
If you want to stay in touch, feel free to email me. Seriously.
I'm sort of wondering if I might just informally withdraw for a while. To be honest, blogging about the things I have been going through on this stalled journey gets kind of depressing. I really haven't gotten anywhere in the past month and it just plain sucks. I'm not having a pity party or anything, and I'm going to say terrible things about myself because of it. I am just sick of analyzing everything.
The quick set of facts is that I have pretty much stayed within the same three pounds or so for weeks. And today I weighed in at 330.2, which really pissed me off. It really did. But, it wasn't unexpected. I've been eating pretty willy-nilly the past week, like the switch was turned off again. I don't know... I DO care, and I hate having to rifle through the bags of fatter fat clothing that had become too big for me when I lost weight last year for something to wear, but I wonder if I have it in me.
I'm so sick of this roller coaster ride. I'm sick of wearing the same clothes over and over. I'm sick of not fitting in (sometimes physically, sometimes socially, sometimes both), but I'll be darned if I can do anything about it.
I don't feel like going out walking or running in the cold and snow, and yes, we've had winter weather the past few days. I can't tell you how sick of that I am. It might be part of what is getting me down, I'd bet five dollars on it, in fact. I want nice weather, I want to be able to work in the gardens, I want to go for walks and runs and bike rides and enjoy just being. The winter's been too long; I just can't take it anymore. Not in April.
So much for being born and bred in the Buffalo area, huh? It's sort of how I never get used to getting a period every month, either. They still both suck.
I am taking a break from here for a while. It may last a month, or a week, or just a day. But I need to give myself permission (or persimmon, like I was originally about to type) to do this. I have a feeling I will feel much better about everything once we really see spring, and once I am not in the middle of that time of the month anymore.
Maybe I should move south and get a hysterectomy.
If you want to stay in touch, feel free to email me. Seriously.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Life imitating Art
Well, here it is Thursday already and I haven't stopped in since Monday! This week really zipped by. Things are happening, is why. In my "other" life, that is, my non-losing-weight-and-blogging-about-it life, I am an artist. Sure, I have a day job as a graphic designer, but I strongly identify as an artist. In fact, I can even say to someone seriously, "I am an artist" and not feel funny about it anymore.
I've been an artist all my life, but it really has only been since I started grad school in 2005 that I really took myself seriously; that was mainly because I made the conscious decision to give my art a chance. To give the artist in me a chance to exist and prosper. And since then, because I have been making the effort, I'm having some success. I just found out yesterday that I've been awarded another solo exhibition in the coming year or two (the gallery hasn't worked out its schedule yet). To think that five years ago, one of my life goals was to have a solo exhibition at all, just one! because it seemed like such an insurmountable goal at the time is incredible: I've got one up now, and I have two lined up for the future. In a matter of months!
As I am writing this I realize I could totally compare that experience with my experience here, as the person you have come to know. I guess I feel the same way about ever becoming not fat now as I did about ever having a solo exhibition five years ago. Which means, I can TOTALLY do this if I give myself a chance, make an effort, keep trying. How many rejection letters does an artist get in her lifetime? How many times do I mess up with my eating and have to start over? It's all the same, really. But you don't see me giving up on my art just over some pitfalls here and there. That perseverance has been rewarded, just in the same way that if I stick with my health and weight loss efforts, I will get results.
Anyway, I've just been a tad busy, if only in my head, distracted. I have been eating pretty well this week, though. I find myself going to bed hungry every evening, which is kind of a nice feeling. I have breakfast, I have lunch, I have dinner. Sometimes I track the food, but mostly I haven't been. I've been trying to listen to my body, mostly, and go accordingly.
I'm not losing weight like crazy. This morning I weighed in at 327 even, but being able to maintain is fine with me for now. I know that I am headed in the right direction. Yesterday, I went out for my first run since November or December. I just went a mile, and I walked about half of it, but I did it and it felt amazing. I was high on endorphins all day, it was great! I have definitely lost some fitness, in the past few months, but I haven't lost all. It's heartening.
The other day I was browsing around the Internet and came across this blog, which made me consider eliminating sugar from my diet and even the whole raw food lifestyle. I like hearing how people have a TON of energy and lose weight like crazy. Such a restricted diet sounds interesting to me, would make things so much simpler. But, there I was the next morning, unwilling to leave the sugar off my bowl of Rice Krispies. And so it goes.
I'm still thinking about it, though. I may try something new for even just a few days and see how it goes. Variety is the spice of life after all, yes?
I've been an artist all my life, but it really has only been since I started grad school in 2005 that I really took myself seriously; that was mainly because I made the conscious decision to give my art a chance. To give the artist in me a chance to exist and prosper. And since then, because I have been making the effort, I'm having some success. I just found out yesterday that I've been awarded another solo exhibition in the coming year or two (the gallery hasn't worked out its schedule yet). To think that five years ago, one of my life goals was to have a solo exhibition at all, just one! because it seemed like such an insurmountable goal at the time is incredible: I've got one up now, and I have two lined up for the future. In a matter of months!
As I am writing this I realize I could totally compare that experience with my experience here, as the person you have come to know. I guess I feel the same way about ever becoming not fat now as I did about ever having a solo exhibition five years ago. Which means, I can TOTALLY do this if I give myself a chance, make an effort, keep trying. How many rejection letters does an artist get in her lifetime? How many times do I mess up with my eating and have to start over? It's all the same, really. But you don't see me giving up on my art just over some pitfalls here and there. That perseverance has been rewarded, just in the same way that if I stick with my health and weight loss efforts, I will get results.
Anyway, I've just been a tad busy, if only in my head, distracted. I have been eating pretty well this week, though. I find myself going to bed hungry every evening, which is kind of a nice feeling. I have breakfast, I have lunch, I have dinner. Sometimes I track the food, but mostly I haven't been. I've been trying to listen to my body, mostly, and go accordingly.
I'm not losing weight like crazy. This morning I weighed in at 327 even, but being able to maintain is fine with me for now. I know that I am headed in the right direction. Yesterday, I went out for my first run since November or December. I just went a mile, and I walked about half of it, but I did it and it felt amazing. I was high on endorphins all day, it was great! I have definitely lost some fitness, in the past few months, but I haven't lost all. It's heartening.
The other day I was browsing around the Internet and came across this blog, which made me consider eliminating sugar from my diet and even the whole raw food lifestyle. I like hearing how people have a TON of energy and lose weight like crazy. Such a restricted diet sounds interesting to me, would make things so much simpler. But, there I was the next morning, unwilling to leave the sugar off my bowl of Rice Krispies. And so it goes.
I'm still thinking about it, though. I may try something new for even just a few days and see how it goes. Variety is the spice of life after all, yes?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Weekly Weight Report
Weight: 326.6
Total Weight lost this week: 1.2 pounds
Total Weight lost this month: .8 pounds
And actually, I had been as high as 331.2 in the past month, so I consider this a great success. Just getting back into the right mindset. Still searching for the sweet spot — the best way for me to lose weight without feeling like I am giving much up (because look, otherwise I just won't stay with it). So many false starts, so much disappointment... but I am keeping on keeping on. Yesterday, I had a little sense in the back of my thick head that one day, I actually won't be considered fat anymore. I don't know, I have to be honest. I always say that my ultimate goal is NOT necessarily to be thin, but to just be comfortable, able, and healthy. But the truth is, I don't want to be fat anymore. I really don't. I'm sick of it.
Of course, my version of "not fat" is probably much different than say, society's version. But no matter. I have a glimmer of hope that one day I will achieve that ultimate goal, with a whole lot of other smaller goals in the meantime.
I was actually a little zinged this morning at the scale reading. Yesterday I was down to 325.8, and I had a really good day that included two larger meals (including breakfast), no snacking, and *drum roll please* a short walk! There a couple open houses in my neighborhood that I wanted to check out within walking distance, so I figured, what better an excuse to get exercising again? It only totaled up to about 3/4 of a mile and I wasn't wearing exercise clothing or anything (except sneakers, of course), so it wasn't like turbo charged. Still, I went at a fairly clip pace for me. It felt good. I felt like breaking into a run, even. I will leave that to next time.
So yeah. I had higher expectations for weigh-in this morning, having gone to bed with an empty stomach. Then again, that lovely TOM is coming up in a week or so, so I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. It's always something.
I am just very pleased at the week overall. It leaves a lot of room for hope and future success. I am going to shape a new me for myself, and I am going to have fun doing it.
Total Weight lost this week: 1.2 pounds
Total Weight lost this month: .8 pounds
And actually, I had been as high as 331.2 in the past month, so I consider this a great success. Just getting back into the right mindset. Still searching for the sweet spot — the best way for me to lose weight without feeling like I am giving much up (because look, otherwise I just won't stay with it). So many false starts, so much disappointment... but I am keeping on keeping on. Yesterday, I had a little sense in the back of my thick head that one day, I actually won't be considered fat anymore. I don't know, I have to be honest. I always say that my ultimate goal is NOT necessarily to be thin, but to just be comfortable, able, and healthy. But the truth is, I don't want to be fat anymore. I really don't. I'm sick of it.
Of course, my version of "not fat" is probably much different than say, society's version. But no matter. I have a glimmer of hope that one day I will achieve that ultimate goal, with a whole lot of other smaller goals in the meantime.
I was actually a little zinged this morning at the scale reading. Yesterday I was down to 325.8, and I had a really good day that included two larger meals (including breakfast), no snacking, and *drum roll please* a short walk! There a couple open houses in my neighborhood that I wanted to check out within walking distance, so I figured, what better an excuse to get exercising again? It only totaled up to about 3/4 of a mile and I wasn't wearing exercise clothing or anything (except sneakers, of course), so it wasn't like turbo charged. Still, I went at a fairly clip pace for me. It felt good. I felt like breaking into a run, even. I will leave that to next time.
So yeah. I had higher expectations for weigh-in this morning, having gone to bed with an empty stomach. Then again, that lovely TOM is coming up in a week or so, so I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. It's always something.
I am just very pleased at the week overall. It leaves a lot of room for hope and future success. I am going to shape a new me for myself, and I am going to have fun doing it.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Eye-opening
I'd like to give a big thanks to BikiniQuest, who kicked my ass in a good way in the comments section of my last post. I found her brand of tough love shocking at first, and then incredibly flattering. After all, I haven't even absent for a week! But, it was a big eye-opener in that I hadn't really been cognizant of the fact that I'd become less and less emotionally involved with the writing in this blog. Yes, I suppose that's true, and I think the reason is because my experience with eating and food and losing weight IS so emotional, and things had become so hard to even think about starting that maybe I just thought I needed to back off of the self-therapy sessions for a while. Or something.
But the reality is, that is who I am and that is what makes my experience and this blog with they are, too. So, from now on I pledge consistent posting and complete honesty. I want you to be in on what I am going through, good and bad. It wasn't my intention to shut you out. That would defeat the purpose of a public blog, now, wouldn't it?
By now maybe you are wondering what's been going on with me this past week. It's been interesting! I've actually had a pretty successful week overall, and figured out some stuff. One thing is that our budget is really tight and we were spending way too much money on food -- lots of take-out, and just eating too much in general (both me and my partner). So this week we have been trying to eat what we have in the house as much as possible, and to leave things for leftovers, which means that in general at least I've been eating less (I'm not sure how C. feels about how he's been eating). Another thing is that I've been avoiding eating at all after dinner. No snacks. This has been easier because of the financial shoring up, too. I'm not buying a lot of extras like I used to. I haven't missed it, really... if it's not in the cupboard (or fridge, or freezer), then it's not really a struggle. Genius.
Finally, I've just been less obsessed with food in general. This could be temporary, I don't know. But I am holding onto it for now. It feels nice to not having ideas of what I want to eat always gnawing at my craw.
As a result I have found myself with rather little effort back down on the scale, at least slightly below where I was when I started this back up at the beginning of March. That's good news. This month was a major struggle, but I kept at it. I didn't let myself stay down for long, even when it felt impossible to ever get back on track again.
Sometimes, honestly, I just felt like giving up on this blog because it seemed so stupid to keep reporting how I fell off yet again or got back on yet again. Like BikiniQuest intimated, though, it is the experience that is important, all the ups and downs, not, as she puts it, "the drinks at the end of the race". A beer does sound good about now, though! :)
To give you an idea about where my mind has been lately, here is a relevant excerpt of an entry in my LiveJournal from a couple days ago:
"Lately I haven't been snacking after dinner, and it seems to really make a difference. I wasn't losing weight at all there for a while, and now I seem to be starting to again, which is nice. I'm not making a HUGE effort, but I definitely want to lose the weight I gained back recently, so like 20-25 pounds... I don't like judging other people when it comes to someone saying, "Oh, I need to lose weight, my clothes are getting tight," but then when I see what they look like and that they may as well be a runway model, it really bugs me. The reason I bring this up is that I was browsing some crafty/arty blogs, and came across one that was really interesting and attractive overall. The blogger was saying things like this. It just really rankled me even though I don't have the right to be her body police, or anyone else's... I don't know. Even worse (or maybe because of?) is that she is designs and makes clothes. Why do people have to be like that, doesn't she know how fortunate she is? (OK, I know that last statement is very problematic on my part... lucky to be thin? Ugh. Not really. Lucky, maybe, to have easy access to just about whatever clothes she'd like to wear, lucky to not be as likely to be discriminated against because of her size, lucky to be afforded the luxuries that anyone of a "normal" size gets afforded.)"
I have definitely been much more aware of my body as a thing this month, so desperately trying to shape it to my will, to make it get down on its knees and beg mercy. When I am out amongst people I am especially conscious of my size and of who I am, who I want to be, and maybe most importantly, who I don't want to be. I wonder if the people who are with me feel embarrassed. I wonder if the people passing by on the street snicker at me, or are disgusted. Despite these thoughts, or maybe because of them, I always try to carry myself with dignity and pride.
But the reality is, that is who I am and that is what makes my experience and this blog with they are, too. So, from now on I pledge consistent posting and complete honesty. I want you to be in on what I am going through, good and bad. It wasn't my intention to shut you out. That would defeat the purpose of a public blog, now, wouldn't it?
By now maybe you are wondering what's been going on with me this past week. It's been interesting! I've actually had a pretty successful week overall, and figured out some stuff. One thing is that our budget is really tight and we were spending way too much money on food -- lots of take-out, and just eating too much in general (both me and my partner). So this week we have been trying to eat what we have in the house as much as possible, and to leave things for leftovers, which means that in general at least I've been eating less (I'm not sure how C. feels about how he's been eating). Another thing is that I've been avoiding eating at all after dinner. No snacks. This has been easier because of the financial shoring up, too. I'm not buying a lot of extras like I used to. I haven't missed it, really... if it's not in the cupboard (or fridge, or freezer), then it's not really a struggle. Genius.
Finally, I've just been less obsessed with food in general. This could be temporary, I don't know. But I am holding onto it for now. It feels nice to not having ideas of what I want to eat always gnawing at my craw.
As a result I have found myself with rather little effort back down on the scale, at least slightly below where I was when I started this back up at the beginning of March. That's good news. This month was a major struggle, but I kept at it. I didn't let myself stay down for long, even when it felt impossible to ever get back on track again.
Sometimes, honestly, I just felt like giving up on this blog because it seemed so stupid to keep reporting how I fell off yet again or got back on yet again. Like BikiniQuest intimated, though, it is the experience that is important, all the ups and downs, not, as she puts it, "the drinks at the end of the race". A beer does sound good about now, though! :)
To give you an idea about where my mind has been lately, here is a relevant excerpt of an entry in my LiveJournal from a couple days ago:
"Lately I haven't been snacking after dinner, and it seems to really make a difference. I wasn't losing weight at all there for a while, and now I seem to be starting to again, which is nice. I'm not making a HUGE effort, but I definitely want to lose the weight I gained back recently, so like 20-25 pounds... I don't like judging other people when it comes to someone saying, "Oh, I need to lose weight, my clothes are getting tight," but then when I see what they look like and that they may as well be a runway model, it really bugs me. The reason I bring this up is that I was browsing some crafty/arty blogs, and came across one that was really interesting and attractive overall. The blogger was saying things like this. It just really rankled me even though I don't have the right to be her body police, or anyone else's... I don't know. Even worse (or maybe because of?) is that she is designs and makes clothes. Why do people have to be like that, doesn't she know how fortunate she is? (OK, I know that last statement is very problematic on my part... lucky to be thin? Ugh. Not really. Lucky, maybe, to have easy access to just about whatever clothes she'd like to wear, lucky to not be as likely to be discriminated against because of her size, lucky to be afforded the luxuries that anyone of a "normal" size gets afforded.)"
I have definitely been much more aware of my body as a thing this month, so desperately trying to shape it to my will, to make it get down on its knees and beg mercy. When I am out amongst people I am especially conscious of my size and of who I am, who I want to be, and maybe most importantly, who I don't want to be. I wonder if the people who are with me feel embarrassed. I wonder if the people passing by on the street snicker at me, or are disgusted. Despite these thoughts, or maybe because of them, I always try to carry myself with dignity and pride.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Right Back Where I Started From
Weight: 327.8
That puts me back down a little, almost to where I started two weeks ago at 327.4. This is heartening, to say the least. The funny thing is that over the weekend, I didn't really try too hard on anything, so I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine, and maybe it was just a gift from the Universe to remind me how nice it feels when the scale reads something favorable. *shrugs*
Anyway, I'm going to give it a real college try this week again. I'm just going to keep trying. This week is a little less busy than last week was, so I think I have a better chance about staying on track. When you're busy, I've noticed, you tend to grab something, anything, whatever's convenient whether it is in your best interest or not. At the very least I would like to eat nice, square meals and try not to snack on crap. And, just maybe I will have been more adjusted to the time change that I can drag myself out of bed early enough to get a walk or run in before I get ready for work?
We'll see. To be honest, I have very low expectations for myself in this realm right now. I'll be thrilled if I can lose anything at all, even something ridiculous like .2 pounds or whatever.
I just don't want to end up back where I started last year. Please, just NO.
That puts me back down a little, almost to where I started two weeks ago at 327.4. This is heartening, to say the least. The funny thing is that over the weekend, I didn't really try too hard on anything, so I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine, and maybe it was just a gift from the Universe to remind me how nice it feels when the scale reads something favorable. *shrugs*
Anyway, I'm going to give it a real college try this week again. I'm just going to keep trying. This week is a little less busy than last week was, so I think I have a better chance about staying on track. When you're busy, I've noticed, you tend to grab something, anything, whatever's convenient whether it is in your best interest or not. At the very least I would like to eat nice, square meals and try not to snack on crap. And, just maybe I will have been more adjusted to the time change that I can drag myself out of bed early enough to get a walk or run in before I get ready for work?
We'll see. To be honest, I have very low expectations for myself in this realm right now. I'll be thrilled if I can lose anything at all, even something ridiculous like .2 pounds or whatever.
I just don't want to end up back where I started last year. Please, just NO.
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