• I am still at 272, which means it wasn't a fluke or a blip! Super stoked.
• Yesterday evening I ran with some folks from my running group for a Pub Run my local Fleet Feet store puts on. We went to Big Ditch Brewing in downtown Buffalo and it was really fun! The best part was that I ran just over two miles at an unheard of average pace: 13:51! This is the first time since the time trials back in June that I've run so fast – in fact, I beat that time slightly. I guess I am getting used to running in the heat, among other things. I'm just getting better. I felt great during and after the run. PROGRESS, in all caps for sure.
But then...
As always, events like these are photographed. I do love that, and it is helping me get over my body stuff, but sometimes... I see a photo like this and I get really blergh. I'm not really discouraged or upset, just... well, here, see for yourself.
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| Post-run socializing! (I'm the one in the orange cap, talking to one of my fave mentors, Pat, and my running pal Amy F.'s elbow, and one of my other favorite mentors, Liz, who is out of photo to the right.) |
Anyway. I see that I have definitely slimmed down. But that stomach! The arm! Argh.
The stomach. Good lord. Will it ever be "normal" again?
Look, I know I am being all the things I don't want to be by talking like this. But, I am an open book and I want to be honest about my experience in all aspects. This is a biggie. A photo like this is really hard to see.
But I also know how awesome that body with all its funny proportions is. I'm going to look at this photo every day and try to think only of how I just ran my fastest two miles ever and how super psyched I am about it, rather than cry over how weird my stomach and arms are. That is just stupid, and I know it.
I will just leave it at that for now.
I literally deleted all of the photos that existed of me when I was 175-220+ lbs. I wiped out my SD card that contained that part of my life. I hid all of the print versions of existing photographs. There is just one left, on my dads fridge. If you feel bad about how you look in this photo just think back to previous times and how you looked when you were truly inactive and in rougher shape. When I see that photo of you, I see an active person. I see a person that is clearly a runner and clearly in shape (being healthy and in shape really doesn't always mean thin and proportioned. Not to me, anyway.) BTW I wish I still had some of those old photos, because people do not believe I was ever overweight. & the post workout feeling is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Erica, about seeing an active person. That makes me very happy! I have always loved looking at photos of myself from various stages of my life, even when they are not especially flattering – I am just fascinated by the changes I've gone through. I guess that sounds a bit narcissistic, but it is what it is. :)
DeleteAnd yes, I LOVE post-workout!
I struggle with my belly fat, too - still, even with just maybe 10-20 lbs left to lose (I estimate). It's still bigger than I thought it would be at this size and weight. I still struggle with it, but I'm also just starting to accept it: it's almost like a battle scar. Those of us who carried a lot of belly fat for many years are just going to have remnants of that even after the fat is gone. The fact that it's so much, smaller, though, is a win. Hopefully just sharing this photo will be cathartic and help you accept and embrace the imperfections that remain (and will remain) even after so much weight has gone away.
ReplyDeleteWhat's your recap of how you did with your July goals? Didn't you do pretty well?
Hi Wendy, yes, I am getting better about it, especially after talking to one of my running friends about it. We're so proud of ourselves for what we are able to achieve with these bodies of ours that the appearance of them almost seems incidental.
DeleteI just posted about my July goals and the results today. I did pretty well!
You're strong and beautiful and enough.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU. xo
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