Friday, February 27, 2009


I have loose plans to go out for a trial run tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

But, I honestly don't have high hopes for it. Last night I went for a night on the town to attend a couple art happenings, and ended up hoofing it from one venue to another a few city blocks away. This was the first time I've walked any distance in a couple months, and man! I felt pathetic. Of course, I realize that I had my regular shoes on, and was carrying my bag packed with stuff, etc. but it was really an eye-opener. I had been pretty darn fit for my size not so long ago! It can disappear so quickly. Use or lose it.

I'm not sure yet what I will do tomorrow, whether I will start over with the old Couch to 5K program, or just start with a warm-up walk and see how far I can go running. I think the latter. That way I can assess where I am at, and maybe reconsider C25K or a Hal Higdon plan. Either way, I think running again will do me a world of good, if only for my state of mind and my weird body dysmorphia issues.

I'll be sure to report back with how I did! Is anyone still out there reading?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Back, again

Hi! I think I will try to be back and fully engaged with this blog again. I think I need to. Case in point, this entry I posted on my LiveJournal the other day. This stuff is really bothering me lately.

Ugh, I hate thinking this about myself and my body, but: Yuck.

I just had a look at the photos my friend Tyler took at my exhibition opening, which included several full-body shots of me... which is great... but I just look at those photos and realize what an extreme disconnect I have with the reality of my body. I totally don't picture myself the way that I actually appear. It's funny (or maybe not), but when I was in my teens and 20s, I had the opposite problem: I thought I was way bigger than I actually was. Now I have it in my head that I look quite a lot smaller than I actually am.

Am I ever going to get it right? It's such a strange thing. I mean, I know that I am obese, but I have it in my head that I don't like other fat people. Whatever THAT means -- also very problematic. I mean, what is that about?

I hate feeling this way about how I look and what my body is. It's the very thing that I have worked so hard to dispel within myself, and actually it seems to have gotten worse.

Just as a point of reference, I haven't been eating very healthfully for the past few months and have gained back some of the weight I had lost. I've been feeling very devil-may-care about it, too, though I am looking forward to starting up walking and running again soon.

This is so frustrating. I have so many mixed feelings about it all.


I mean it when I say that I want, nay, NEED to start getting out and running again. It always made me feel so good about myself -- even when I had a "bad" run. Maybe just doing that and not really even worrying about the eating for now will be a good first step.

How has everyone been doing? I need to catch up on other blogs... it's been over a month now since I disconnected from this part of my life, and I want back in.