Monday, March 30, 2009

Weekly Weight Report

Weight: 326.6
Total Weight lost this week: 1.2 pounds
Total Weight lost this month: .8 pounds

And actually, I had been as high as 331.2 in the past month, so I consider this a great success. Just getting back into the right mindset. Still searching for the sweet spot — the best way for me to lose weight without feeling like I am giving much up (because look, otherwise I just won't stay with it). So many false starts, so much disappointment... but I am keeping on keeping on. Yesterday, I had a little sense in the back of my thick head that one day, I actually won't be considered fat anymore. I don't know, I have to be honest. I always say that my ultimate goal is NOT necessarily to be thin, but to just be comfortable, able, and healthy. But the truth is, I don't want to be fat anymore. I really don't. I'm sick of it.

Of course, my version of "not fat" is probably much different than say, society's version. But no matter. I have a glimmer of hope that one day I will achieve that ultimate goal, with a whole lot of other smaller goals in the meantime.

I was actually a little zinged this morning at the scale reading. Yesterday I was down to 325.8, and I had a really good day that included two larger meals (including breakfast), no snacking, and *drum roll please* a short walk! There a couple open houses in my neighborhood that I wanted to check out within walking distance, so I figured, what better an excuse to get exercising again? It only totaled up to about 3/4 of a mile and I wasn't wearing exercise clothing or anything (except sneakers, of course), so it wasn't like turbo charged. Still, I went at a fairly clip pace for me. It felt good. I felt like breaking into a run, even. I will leave that to next time.

So yeah. I had higher expectations for weigh-in this morning, having gone to bed with an empty stomach. Then again, that lovely TOM is coming up in a week or so, so I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised. It's always something.

I am just very pleased at the week overall. It leaves a lot of room for hope and future success. I am going to shape a new me for myself, and I am going to have fun doing it.

Saturday, March 28, 2009


I'd like to give a big thanks to BikiniQuest, who kicked my ass in a good way in the comments section of my last post. I found her brand of tough love shocking at first, and then incredibly flattering. After all, I haven't even absent for a week! But, it was a big eye-opener in that I hadn't really been cognizant of the fact that I'd become less and less emotionally involved with the writing in this blog. Yes, I suppose that's true, and I think the reason is because my experience with eating and food and losing weight IS so emotional, and things had become so hard to even think about starting that maybe I just thought I needed to back off of the self-therapy sessions for a while. Or something.

But the reality is, that is who I am and that is what makes my experience and this blog with they are, too. So, from now on I pledge consistent posting and complete honesty. I want you to be in on what I am going through, good and bad. It wasn't my intention to shut you out. That would defeat the purpose of a public blog, now, wouldn't it?

By now maybe you are wondering what's been going on with me this past week. It's been interesting! I've actually had a pretty successful week overall, and figured out some stuff. One thing is that our budget is really tight and we were spending way too much money on food -- lots of take-out, and just eating too much in general (both me and my partner). So this week we have been trying to eat what we have in the house as much as possible, and to leave things for leftovers, which means that in general at least I've been eating less (I'm not sure how C. feels about how he's been eating). Another thing is that I've been avoiding eating at all after dinner. No snacks. This has been easier because of the financial shoring up, too. I'm not buying a lot of extras like I used to. I haven't missed it, really... if it's not in the cupboard (or fridge, or freezer), then it's not really a struggle. Genius.

Finally, I've just been less obsessed with food in general. This could be temporary, I don't know. But I am holding onto it for now. It feels nice to not having ideas of what I want to eat always gnawing at my craw.

As a result I have found myself with rather little effort back down on the scale, at least slightly below where I was when I started this back up at the beginning of March. That's good news. This month was a major struggle, but I kept at it. I didn't let myself stay down for long, even when it felt impossible to ever get back on track again.

Sometimes, honestly, I just felt like giving up on this blog because it seemed so stupid to keep reporting how I fell off yet again or got back on yet again. Like BikiniQuest intimated, though, it is the experience that is important, all the ups and downs, not, as she puts it, "the drinks at the end of the race". A beer does sound good about now, though! :)

To give you an idea about where my mind has been lately, here is a relevant excerpt of an entry in my LiveJournal from a couple days ago:

"Lately I haven't been snacking after dinner, and it seems to really make a difference. I wasn't losing weight at all there for a while, and now I seem to be starting to again, which is nice. I'm not making a HUGE effort, but I definitely want to lose the weight I gained back recently, so like 20-25 pounds... I don't like judging other people when it comes to someone saying, "Oh, I need to lose weight, my clothes are getting tight," but then when I see what they look like and that they may as well be a runway model, it really bugs me. The reason I bring this up is that I was browsing some crafty/arty blogs, and came across one that was really interesting and attractive overall. The blogger was saying things like this. It just really rankled me even though I don't have the right to be her body police, or anyone else's... I don't know. Even worse (or maybe because of?) is that she is designs and makes clothes. Why do people have to be like that, doesn't she know how fortunate she is? (OK, I know that last statement is very problematic on my part... lucky to be thin? Ugh. Not really. Lucky, maybe, to have easy access to just about whatever clothes she'd like to wear, lucky to not be as likely to be discriminated against because of her size, lucky to be afforded the luxuries that anyone of a "normal" size gets afforded.)"

I have definitely been much more aware of my body as a thing this month, so desperately trying to shape it to my will, to make it get down on its knees and beg mercy. When I am out amongst people I am especially conscious of my size and of who I am, who I want to be, and maybe most importantly, who I don't want to be. I wonder if the people who are with me feel embarrassed. I wonder if the people passing by on the street snicker at me, or are disgusted. Despite these thoughts, or maybe because of them, I always try to carry myself with dignity and pride.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Right Back Where I Started From

Weight: 327.8

That puts me back down a little, almost to where I started two weeks ago at 327.4. This is heartening, to say the least. The funny thing is that over the weekend, I didn't really try too hard on anything, so I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine, and maybe it was just a gift from the Universe to remind me how nice it feels when the scale reads something favorable. *shrugs*

Anyway, I'm going to give it a real college try this week again. I'm just going to keep trying. This week is a little less busy than last week was, so I think I have a better chance about staying on track. When you're busy, I've noticed, you tend to grab something, anything, whatever's convenient whether it is in your best interest or not. At the very least I would like to eat nice, square meals and try not to snack on crap. And, just maybe I will have been more adjusted to the time change that I can drag myself out of bed early enough to get a walk or run in before I get ready for work?

We'll see. To be honest, I have very low expectations for myself in this realm right now. I'll be thrilled if I can lose anything at all, even something ridiculous like .2 pounds or whatever.

I just don't want to end up back where I started last year. Please, just NO.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Hasn't been going so hot lately, I must admit. I hit above 330 yesterday and I was just like, "Ugh." So, yesterday I stuck to things fairly well until the evening... yet I was rewarded with a drop back to 330 on the nose. Yeah. "Rewarded" with 330. I can't believe I am here again. Sure, it's not 350, but for the way I feel, it may as well be, you know?

Doing OK today so far. I feel pretty determined to just cut it out already.

Anyway, I am still here, frustrated and mad but also not ready to give in to being miserable. (Note: Not because of my weight in the sense of, "I wanna be SKINNY!" but because the weight is physically annoying most of all, and I just haven't felt good lately.)

BIG thanks to Mrs. Lard Arms who sent me a lovely email when she was unable to leave a comment here. You're too sweet, Lardy!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Headed in the wrong direction

Weight: 328.8
Total weight gained: 1.4 pounds


I'm not sure what happened this week. Not pretty, huh?

Well, to be honest, maybe it was Thursday that it started, off track and back into willy-nilly eating habits. The one good thing I could say about the weekend was that I got some physical activity in -- we painted our screening wall. Just one wall took the good part of a day, thanks to taping off the screen area and painting it a different color than the surrounding area. It was all very complicated. It was also our first time painting walls. Long story short, it turned out fairly nicely, and learned a lot. I also have a set of sore muscles. Painters have a tough job!

I'm still not giving up. Today has been a little on the bad side, mainly because I was naughty and skipped breakfast. Once I was able to go out and get some lunch, I was famished and got a pretty big meal from Subway... I'm probably still on track as long as I have a very reasonable dinner, but still. I need to stop this stuff-my-face-I'm-starving eating technique. It doesn't do me any good at all.

The weather has been lovely, but due to some extra work and a funeral, I probably won't be able to get out do any yard work (my most favorite exercise!) until later in the week. I've been so busy lately, it's hard to carve out time! But it must be done.

How are you all doing?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Q: Am I disappointed?

A: Yes, I am disappointed.

I'm back up to 327 today, despite a good, clean day yesterday. Honest!

Though discouraged, I know that it is a hazard of weighing every day, these fluctuations. Which is why I am signed up at Physics Diet to chart them, and focus on the averages and trends instead of the hard numbers. Still, it is hard to swallow when you're doing everything right and not seeing the results you'd like.

Such as it is. And I say, onward! My solution to a morning like that is to wear very comfortable clothes so that I at least don't feel like a sausage. I remain ever diligent and eager to soldier on. And, as I said yesterday, it really feels good to eat in a more healthful way. For some reason, it really bolsters my confidence whether I see results on the scale or not. And that's always nice!

From here on out, just FYI, I will post my weigh-ins only on Mondays. I log my daily numbers elsewhere, no need for it here. If you're curious, you can look at my Physics Diet public profile. Right now, it looks pretty wonky because it extrapolated my data from last year and my skipped months, but that will be remedied in the next week once I get enough new data in.

Ah, data. Makes life bearable.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Did it!

Weight: 326.0
Total pounds lost: 1.4

Hooray! I was so glad to see the numbers on the scale this morning, I have to admit it. I did pretty snazzy yesterday all around, drank 100 oz. of water as planned, and came under my calorie allotment by 100 or so. Not to mention, holy COW does it feel so much better to be eating this way again. I feel so much more in control (thus happier, not despondent), not to mention, erm... less gassy, if you must know. Before, I was eating so much crap that it was really manifesting itself in nasty ways. Just two days of eating "clean", as I like to call it, has made a big difference. I'm switched on again, I can totally feel it. I really, really hope it lasts.

I still have not started exercising again yet, which I must do. The daylight savings thing messed me up a bit and I'm finding it more difficult to wake up in the morning, for one. I'm wondering about shifting my active time to the evening, but I don't know. It'll get itself worked out, but I do need to start soon. I want to start soon!

Today, so far so good once again. My first little goal is to make it into the 2nd week, mainly because the last time I started up again (back in January), it didn't last beyond the first week. I see that as my first big hurdle, and I am dedicated to making it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Weight: 328.8
+1.4 pounds


The Good News: I totally followed my plan yesterday. Drank the water, tracked the food and stayed within my calorie allotment (which, by the way stands at 2,267 calories -- hey, I'm BIG!), and even got in a little physical activity via housework (I was sweating!). So, I refuse to be mad or disappointed about this morning's weigh-in.

The Bad News: Well, it's that time of the month, which may be the culprit of this topsy-turvy alternate universe weigh-in. I'm supposed to be going down, not up! Argh! I'm wearing some extra-fat pants today because I am really feeling bloated and slightly yucky, and wearing extra-fat pants makes me feel not-so-fat -- because they're big and loose, you know? Not that I want to be able to even wear them at all, big and loose or no. But there you have it.

Summary: I made a step toward doing the right things. I DID do the right things. The reality is that the body goes through weight fluctuations from day to day, even within each day. Hormones come into play, blah blah blah. What it comes down to is that I did good yesterday, and I will continue to do good today. In order to combat the obvious water retention issues I have today (I can totally feel it), I'm going to try to drink at least 100 oz. of water and green tea... and just hang in there, you know? That's all I can do. No sense going back to the old crap. Eating in a more healthful way feels better, anyway. Seriously.


Monday, March 9, 2009

New beginnings

Starting weight: 327.4

OK, so I am pretty excited about getting back on track. Setting a date to start over and giving myself the time to get my head in the right place really helped. I feel very positive about the coming days, weeks, and months, and look forward to getting back into feeding my body healthy, yummy food, and just plain moving around more! Hopefully the weather will cooperate tomorrow and I will be able to start my Couch to 5K plan again. And I have those pilates DVDs waiting to be played and used...

Though I think that reader battyhelen had it right about not looking back and saying "what if", and instead looking forward and saying "what if", I couldn't help but revisit my old blog and see where I was at this time a year ago. Turns out that I weighed just about the same -- I had been in a plateau and playing with the same five pounds for most of the month of March 2008. So, even though it's a wee bit sad that I ended up gaining about half the amount of weight I lost last year, the good news is that I only gained back half, you know? I was also happy from a psychological viewpoint that I remained in the 320s.

The one thing I didn't do in preparation for today was do the grocery shopping. For breakfast I had eggs and toast, for lunch I'm going to have some canned tomato soup, and for dinner, some roasted chicken breast and some veggies. Overall certainly not bad, but I do need to stock up on some fruits, veggies, and dairy (particularly yogurt). I'm drinking lots of water and green tea today, and starting to take a daily vitamin again.

Maybe one of my mistakes last year was to set a really big goal for myself. I had been hoping, believe it or not, to lose 100 pounds in a year's time. I may well have been able to do it, but honestly? I think I set myself up for failure with such a big number to live up to. This time instead, my main goal is to get under 300 pounds and stay there (preferably under 290, for a little cushion), and to maintain a running and walking regimen for the year. That is totally doable, and once I reach that weight goal I can see how things are going and think about setting a new one.

But for now, that's what I want to achieve. I'm not aiming for skinny or anywhere near it. I just want to be comfortable, maintain normal blood pressure and chip away at my cholesterol numbers. I want to have no problems going up and down stairs, putting on my socks or tying my shoes, or fitting into restaurant booths and movie seats.

Most of all, I want to be the best version of me I can be. I just haven't been the past few months, and it's really taking a toll on my well-being overall -- physical, mental, and emotional.

So, welcome back -- it's going to be a fun, interesting ride! I hope you will hop on along with me.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

You Better Get Out of There

"You better get out of there," C. told me yesterday when I said that food has become my everything again. He then revised his statement because maybe it did sound a little funny at first, but I told him, no, that's just right. I'm in this place, feeling trapped and uneasy and uncomfortable. I also feel trapped in my body again, it's become a cage once more, no longer a vessel, much less a temple.

I've made the decision that since I'm PMSing so hard this week (mostly mental and emotional difficulties and not physical), I'm going to let myself have the rest of it to prepare myself to get on board another commitment starting on Monday. Part of me feels lame for postponing it, but another part feels its necessary at this point... definitely need to give some good thought to the reasons I need to do this, and really be honest with myself. If I keep on the road I'm on now, I will get nowhere. I feel as if I would lose myself. I'm halfway there as it is.

I'll probably check in a few times between now and then and gauge my thoughts. I hope you will send me lots and lots of good vibes/thoughts/prayers/meditations, as I really need a big army behind me right now, I admit it.

As always, thanks for reading, and if you can, post a cheer or a well-wish for me? Seriously, I hate asking but I think it would really help.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

OK, so...

Here it is Tuesday, and I still have not gone out for a run or even a walk. I NEED to try, desperately, I know it. It's that Catch-22 situation: I know that if I start up again, I will have more energy, but I haven't had the energy to start up again!

I can make all the excuses in the world and it's not going to get me anywhere. Lately, food has been my utter salvation. I hate saying that, but it's the truth, and if this blog is good for anything, it's for laying it on the line, unabashedly. This week hasn't been good for anything except feeling completely neurotic and lazy and short-sighted, and while blaming it on PMS is somewhat justified, it doesn't make me feel any better.

It's gotten really cold outside again, but it's been sunny. I think tomorrow is supposed to get back up to the freezing mark (meaning up to 32 degrees from, like, 9), so maybe, just maybe, I'll get on it.

But wait! I have a goal. I'd really like to run in the Run In the Mist 5K again this year, which takes place in June. If I start up the C25K program again this week, I will have plenty of time to get myself in shape to run in it. Who knows, maybe I could even best my time from last year -- I'd like to do it in 45 minutes. Yes, I know that sounds slow, but it'd be an excellent finish for me.

Things to think about for sure! Today I am wearing some of my old pants that were not quite my fattest pants but had become too big to wear. Now they fit perfectly, which is just so sad. How do I get back to where I want to be when food has become so important to me again?

Maybe I can figure it all out this time around. I don't know.