Thursday, October 29, 2015

Turn the Frown Upside Down

It was kind of a dumb morning. I had to get up at ass o'clock to get to a training session at the gym at 7:30, it was super windy and kind of spooky, and I was very cranky about the scale. I really just wanted to say F it and go back to bed so I could sleep in an extra hour.

But, I didn't. I put my big girl panties on, got myself ready and out the door, complete with breakfast and lunch items in tow (I've had a perfect week in that regard!). I did it with a scowl on my face, but I did it.

Before I move ahead to the next part of the story, let me go back to the issue I had with the scale first. It's still not doing much. I'm still hovering around 272. On occasion it will be lower, and like today, it read 273. Not so bad, but darn it! I've been working really hard to break into the 260s this week.

• I've stayed just at or slightly under 1900 cals each day (as recommended by Mindy, my dietitian)

• I haven't used any exercise cals – I log my activity each day, but I don't register any calorie burn

• I have exercised to sweating for at least 30 minutes (and usually 45 to 60) every single day

And still? Nothing much.

So after having a pretty good day yesterday, I was expecting to see something below 272 this morning. But, no. No, no, no. 273, said the scale. A big part of me just really wanted to blow off the appointment and go straight back to bed, which is stupid, right? Exactly the thing I shouldn't do. Well, I got over it and went to the gym, and the trainer I worked with today, Brandon, really shook me out of my funk almost immediately. He had me do some really awesome stuff and it made me feel strong and powerful and capable, and after about a half hour strength/metabolic training, I did a half hour of cardio as well. I'm calling my cardio routine "The Trifecta" now – instead of slogging along on the boring treadmill for the at least 30 minutes I like to do, I split my time between that and the elliptical, as well as the bike. (I was up to 13 minutes on the elliptical today!) It makes it more interesting and the time goes by much faster – not to mention that I definitely work harder and I'm working with different muscles on each machine.

Once again, my little motto regarding exercise of "If you don't do it, you'll regret it, but you will NEVER regret it if you do" proves TRUE TRUE TRUE. I am so glad I made it to the gym this morning. It totally turned my frown upside down. Big thanks to Brandon for helping with that and for reminding me that even when I don't see results on the scale, a lot of stuff is going on behind the scenes (under the skin) and that I will soon see the numbers head back down again.

In other news, I found yet another brand of yogurt that I really like: Oh My Yog! by Stonyfield Farms. I had the blueberry flavor this morning and LOVED it – like so much that I totally get why they call it Oh My Yog! It's on sale at one of the local grocery stores this week and I want to get more, but when I went today on the way home they only had the vanilla in stock, so I got one of those to try tomorrow for breakfast. It's funny, I don't know about you, but I get really nervous when I'm trying a new yogurt, so it was a big relief to enjoy it as much as I did.

Two more treats I'd like to share with you. The first is some delicious chocolate, because I believe that if you're going to eat chocolate, it may as well be really good chocolate. I am in love with Wild Ophelia's Smoked Salt peanut butter cups and had a pack today. Truth be told, it put me over on my calories, but I also figure that for the amazing workout I had in the morning, it won't be too much damage (technically I don't use my exercise cals anymore, so).

The second treat is a new recipe I found and made for dinner tonight! I swear I looked at hundreds of chicken recipes today for something different that I thought both my partner and I would enjoy that wasn't Mexican-inspired (only because I already have so many good ones I make already), and finally I found Healthier Chicken Cordon Bleu. Wow, it was SO good and pretty easy and fast to make since it cooks at such a high temperature. I ended up slathering a little more mustard than is called for on each piece of chicken, and simply sprinkled the panko crumbs on top of that and then drizzled a little bit of olive oil, rather than mix the latter two together – it seemed to me that it would be more trouble than it's worth. The other thing I would do differently next time is to broil them for a minute or two at the end just so that the crumbs get a little more brown and crispy. Seriously, though. So tasty, and relatively healthy since each piece has one deli slice of ham and swiss cheese. It's a lot of added flavor, and because the chicken is butterflied and pounded thin, it cooks quickly and stays moist and juicy. We served it with roasted baby red and purple potatoes and asparagus, which amounted to a very nicely balanced dinner indeed.

It's a recipe that is headed into regular rotation at our house for sure!

So here's to ending the day on a positive note. Hopefully official weigh-in on Saturday will yield good results, but even if not I am still keeping on keeping on. G*d knows I am trying really hard – well, except maybe for those peanut butter cups. ;) I'm only human, after all.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Positive Thinking and Goal Setting

I was just looking at my numbers for the past year. It hasn't been an easy year for weight loss, but I have been mustering through and making progress, even if it is slower than I'd really like.

But hey! The slower I lose it, the more likely I will keep it off, yes? Positive thinking.

And I really could have been in a totally different place if I had given up when things got hard. A much worse place. Positive thinking.

I look at what I have been able to accomplish so far and so I know now what I can do now and in the future. Positive thinking.

You're probably wondering what drugs I am on today that I am so into this positive thinking stuff. The answer is, none! (If only, LOL!) The truth is that I am still feeling really good about the past couple weeks and about yesterday in particular. That morning physical therapy appointment really buoyed my spirits and made me feel super strong and capable of just about anything. (That's the power of exercise, people!) Then, for a cherry on top of all that, this morning I had an excellent weigh-in: The numbers are going back down again, finally. 271, which I haven't seen in a few weeks. And based on how my body has been feeling, I think the gates have finally been unlocked so that I can enter Phase 2: The Next Hundred Pounds once and for all.

You know how sometimes in the process of losing weight, you can almost literally feel your body changing? It's not something that happens all the time, of course, but when it does it is amazing. I have been getting that sense the past few days. I feel like it is finally ready to continue further ahead on the path. After all, while I didn't really lose weight this past month, I did lose a few inches.

Something is definitely going on.

In other, more mundane news, I bought some tilapia at the store to do as a quick pan saute, super light dinner (I had been starving all day yesterday and ate big breakfast and lunch, so practically no cals left for dinner) – and it was a) super fast and easy and b) super yummy! All it took was a hot pan, sea salt and fresh-ground pepper, a bit of water in the pan to help steam it, and voila! About three minutes later I was plating the fillets (about 7 oz worth) and sprinkling a little bit of chopped fresh parsley on top... truly perfection. I haven't cooked with fish in a while and I am so happy I did this on a whim. It really couldn't have been a better solution to the "I don't feel like cooking/I don't have many calories left/I don't want a frozen dinner" issue. Big pat on my own back for taking such a big risk. ROFL.

Oh! So anyway, back to the top. I was looking at my numbers for the year, and while I usually try to avoid setting time-based weight loss goals anymore (I feel like it too often sets myself up for failure and makes me feel bad), I decided that I wanted to try to reach a BIG milestone before the end of the year.

Hey, what's the worst that could happen? I don't reach it, but I will make some progress anyway. Pft.

So, here it is.

I am committing to reaching 248 pounds by January 1st. 

I guess what I have envisioned for myself for October is to hit 268. I just have a feeling about it. I'm going to get there in the next week and a half.

My starting weight at the beginning of the year was 308. All these 8s! It's actually my favorite single digit, coincidentally.

While technically it would be a thrill to even get into the 250s, I'm aiming for 248. Why not? It's twenty pounds in two months. This would put me at a much higher loss rate than I've had in a while, but I don't think it is impossible at all. I think what has been unusual is that I haven't been seeing those numbers for while, to be honest. 248 would put me at a 60 pound loss for the year, which is pretty good.

Aim high, I always say. (But be reasonable, too.) This goal fits the bill.

Of course, I will have the added challenge of the holiday season coming up! But I don't think that is such a big deal, to be honest. I will be working my ass off in the kitchen on Thanksgiving, having a reasonable meal, and also doing my now-traditional personal Turkey Trot (5K or 4 mile walk or run, whatever I am able to do at that point!) later in the day. Bam. Christmas? Eh, whatever. I will enjoy those holiday food favorites, but I think I have enough tools in my toolbox to deal with it and not feel deprived, but not go overboard, either. Fortunately, I also have a great exercise habit solidly in place that will help ameliorate any transgressions. I also have the power of a nutritionist on my side, and I will be meeting again with her on November 17th. That will help keep me focused.

So there you have it. I HAVE A PLAN! I am super excited.

Do YOU have a plan in place? If so, tell me about it – what you'd like to do and how you will get it done.

Let's do this together!!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Getting Strong

You know, I think that I am finally at peace with the slight turn my journey has taken with not being able to run while I work on getting stronger.

This past week one of my WalkFit guys, Brandon, and I were talking about our respective injuries. He is bummed not to be running as well, but he had a really great perspective on it. It's one I inherently know, but just couldn't quite handle until he put it into words. For me, so many times something really strikes me only after someone else says it out loud to me. So he was talking about how what we're doing in PT is making us stronger and that we have to let our bodies heal so that we don't get really hurt in the future. Something about his delivery really hit it home for me.

Then, this morning's PT appointment was also a breakthrough. First of all, enough has been added on that I am getting a real workout doing all the exercises I've been assigned, finishing the work totally sweaty and feeling that muscle thing you feel when you've really pushed it – but not too far. I've had more exercises added on to my routine this week that are really kicking my butt and really making me feel that "getting stronger" feeling. Now Becky's got me doing squats with a resistance band and upping the ante on my side planks by making me use the resistance band and opening my legs a la clamshells – HOLY CRAP. That stuff is hard, but super effective.

We also talked about personal training and she recommended an office whose focus is like an extension of PT – the approach is more like that. That sounds really good to me, and while I really enjoyed my session with the trainer yesterday, I think I'd like to go with a program like what she told me about, which is called TrainSmart. She also would prefer that I finish up my PT in order to get me to a higher level of strength before I do personal training again, so... since my original plan was to wait until the new year anyway, that works perfectly. Our discussion gave me even more confidence and focus in what I have been doing and want to do.

Weight-wise, I'm hanging out at 273, which is fine with me for now. I feel like I have set a good foundation for the next phase recovering from that one terrible week I had, lost the weight I had gained and now moving on from there. I think that if I keep up the good practices I've been (mostly) employing since then, I should show another loss at official Fleet Feet weigh-in on Saturday.

Eating-wise I think the best thing that has happened since meeting with Mindy the dietician is that I am trying to be really careful to include a decent amount of protein at every meal, especially breakfast (since the other meals are pretty easy for me to do that). For example, I ended up having a pretty big breakfast (over 700 cals!), but it was pretty well balanced, too. I was starving after PT and hadn't eaten since late afternoon yesterday. It shaped up thusly:

• an empire apple
• 2 tbsp natural peanut butter
• an everything bagel with 2 tbsp cream cheese
• hot chocolate packet (Nestle Rich Chocolate, 80 cals)
• green tea
• water

Here's what all that looked like in the breakdown of nutrition.

I'm happy that it ended up being 22g of protein and 10g of fiber! The fat level is on the high side, but that's OK. I actually ate the apple and PB when I first arrived at work, and had the bagel and cream cheese about an hour after that. Hey, it's free bagel day at work! I never pass that up.

So anyway, I am feeling very positive lately about most things, but especially what I have been doing for my body. I can just about feel those muscles building and getting stronger. It's super cool.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Progress Amid "Crisis"

After having such a hard week recently, I am happy to say that this past one was actually really, really good. As I mentioned during the bad week I was up five pounds and generally feeling out of control with my eating. This past week I really got it together and was very happy with my food intake (both quality and quantity), and got good results on the scale, too – was back down the five pounds I had gained! Good news all around. My efforts paid off.

Yesterday ended up being a free-for-all, more or less, which is kind of a shame, BUT – I am not letting it overshadow what I did accomplish and what I will accomplish this week. Today I am just right back to it and excited to finally break out of that rut I have been in, and break into the 260s like I've been dreaming about for months now!

Time to make it a reality. I'm ready.

But listen to this! I've been feeling like my body is different despite the stall on the scale. I was curious – even though I had just taken measurements about a month ago, I wanted to see if there was any difference. Sure enough! I've lost a total of three inches off my body, which is awesome. I'll take it.

Another cool thing is that clothes keep fitting better and better. I wanted to share this coat with you. I know, it's not everyone's style, but I loved it right away when I first bought it on sale at Target a good three or four years ago (maybe even five!). Only, I wasn't ever able to wear it. It's a size 24/26 but runs small. Well, this season? It's fits perfectly.

Except now I'm not sure how much I like it anymore. I wore it to work today and I'm just sort of like, meh. Maybe it's a bit much after all. But are you thinking what I am thinking? I'll likely only be wearing it one last season, this fall. I'd like for it to be too big for me come spring. So for now, I will hang on to it and wear it and try to enjoy it while I still can.

Full-length pics, always in the bathroom at work. Oh well.

I took a few other photos to show progress, too. I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror!

Look at those big meat hooks! LOL. I can deal.

I had a good early morning session at PT today and added on yet another exercise to do – a sort of kneeling "lunge" that's not really a lunge. Tomorrow I'll be doing a double – a free (trial), hour-long personal training session at Best Fitness at 7:30, and then after work I've got NoBo, which will amount to about 40 minutes of brisk walking. I'm really looking forward to both! 

I'm really excited at the prospect of working with a trainer again, and while I will probably need to wait until the new year to get that going again (waiting for my FSA funds to reset), it will be a cost that I can be reimbursed for! Love that. I also look forward to taking classes like yoga again, as well as get into the pool at LA Fitness!!! Not to wish my way into winter, but hurry up, 2016! 

So much to look forward to.

Before I depart, I wanted to share some product recommendations with you. I am NOT being compensated in any way for this, and this is totally of my own honest opinion. When something is super good, I like to share that information. (Though companies, I'd be so happy to work with you! Call me, K?)

1. Noosa yoghurt. I bought one container of the blueberry flavor sometime last week and finally got around to eating it this morning. HOLY CRAP. I couldn't believe how good it tasted. It's a little on the pricey side, but very worth it. I thought it tasted like cheesecake. I'm getting more. 

2. Lean Cuisine Ranchero Braised Beef meal. One day last week I only had about 250 calories left to eat for dinner. I had this in my freezer, something I bought on a whim to have as backup in case we had nothing else to eat in the house or we got sick of canned soup and we didn't feel like cooking. It's only 250 calories, and it's a small amount of food (for me, anyway) – but – it tastes just about as good any homemade beef dish I'd come up with, and it comes with a tasty side of mashed sweet potato, too. So many thumbs up. "Diet" food has come so far. This was way more satisfying than if I had cobbled together random snacks. If I had, I'd likely have overeaten. This was a nice, hot meal that left me satiated.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Rising Up from Rock Bottom

OK, so maybe I am being a little dramatic with my title today – did I really hit rock bottom last week? Not really. I'd say it was almost rock bottom when I first joined the gym back in the week after Christmas 2013. While my total effort didn't really start happening until May 2014, it was at that time I started working with a trainer and thinking about the things I needed to do to get out of where I had gotten myself to. I was really, really big and it was affecting my day to day life in bad ways.

However, I felt really down and low last week. I felt like I just couldn't do all this stuff anymore. I felt like I was never, ever going to get below the 270s. I was super afraid of heading back in the other direction, though, too, so I was between a rock and a hard place. The good news was that I while I did gain five pounds from one Saturday weigh-in to the next, I was still IN the 270s and it was definitely not too late to take corrective action (although, is it ever, really?)

As I talked about in the last post, last Friday was sort of my rock bottom day and it is the day that I decided to put dignity aside and I posted on Facebook a plea for help.

Never, ever be afraid to do that. It was the best thing I could have done at that point.

Here I am on Wednesday in the middle of day 4 of "post-crisis" and things have been going really well. I feel rejuvenated and focused again, and you can bet that I am treasuring every day that feels like this. I am also super happy that I am back down in what has felt like a "normal" zone of 273 as of this morning. Gotta keep it going! October may finally be the month that sees the 260s once and for all!

Though it took me a few days for it to sink in, my meeting with Mindy the nutritionist was so helpful. I have our conversation kind of running on a loop in the back of my mind. I am thinking more about balancing my meals and I actually LOVE not thinking about exercise calories anymore. I know that I have 1900 calories to work with every single day and I am enjoying piecing it all together to make it work – pretty easy, actually! Having all the wiggle room that those nebulous exercise calories gave me was clearly not working. Calorie counting is an inexact science enough on its own without trying to include what you'd like to think is the number of calories you're burning through exercise. Part psychology, part common sense. Either way, it is working for me now and that is what matters most. One day at a time.

I've come across a couple really great blog posts that I would like to share here, in case someone else might also benefit from them. The first is from the fabulous Leo at Zen Habits, and it talks about exactly what was going on with me, and how to recover from relapsed good habits. The other one just arrived in my inbox this morning and I love how Nia Shanks talks about how trying to do too much all at once might not be as good as doing less more thoughtful and focused activity. I couldn't help but feel that that email was a sign telling me, "Hey! It's OK to take a rest day! You should take a rest day!" Like, I know this intellectually, but sometimes I feel bad about it anyway, which is stupid. Big thanks to both of them and to the universe for sending me such timely messages.


I took the day off from exercise today because I had double stuff yesterday and I felt like I needed some extra rest in the form of sleeping in, not to mention giving my muscles a break. I'd been told to do PT exercises every day, so I've been trying to stick to that and may end up fitting at least some in throughout the day, or after dinner tonight. But can I tell you about yesterday? It was good. Most mornings I go to the gym and do PT plus either upper body strength or cardio, and sometimes both. Yesterday was PT and cardio. I upped my time on the dreaded elliptical to six (!) minutes, and did just over 20 minutes on the treadmill. (I totally get the "dreadmill" moniker now that I have been doing all my walking and running outdoors for the past eight months, by the way – ugh, I really need to get a new set of headphones to make it less drudgery.) I left the gym feeling sparkly and strong. My quads have totally been feeling that elliptical work, holy tamoly!

Then after work I had NoBo, for which I have been mentoring the WalkFit program. Only one person showed up for my group – the most dedicated and fierce Nancy, who has made a reputation for herself of being quite the fast walker. She is super awesome and can walk as fast as my good running pace! So I feel rather silly being the "mentor" when she is leaving me in the dust during the fast walk intervals. On the plus side, walking with someone like her is pushing me beyond my comfort zone in walking and so I end up getting quite the good workout when I'm with her. I just always tell her to go as fast as she needs to and that I will catch up, which usually is the case. We have a good rapport and so it's all fun and the 40 minutes we're at now goes by way faster than the 20 minutes on the treadmill. (Don't tell anyone, but I did a couple minutes of a slow jog during a couple intervals last night...)

Frankly I was a little worried about how I'd be feeling today after all that activity, especially my poor knee. Well, I don't know if it's the new exercises the doctor gave me or what, but much to my surprise most of the pain I have had lately was almost all gone from the knee!

I won't get too excited just yet, but was so happy that I finally feel some sort of progress.

By the way, in addition the bunch of other stuff I do for PT (fire hydrant, pointers, bridge and clamshell with the dread band, glute stretches, kicks, and more), the doctor has me doing what is basically a cobra pose with 3 second pauses x10, every two hours, as well as a simple back stretch that I also feel in my glutes that looks like the standing back bends show here. (I like that head press one, too! I'd like to be proactive in taking care of my spine as I get older.) That one I am supposed to do 10x every hour.

Isn't funny how our bodies are like dominoes? If one part isn't working optimally, it will affect another part somewhere down the line that you weren't expecting. This is often the case with runner's knee, as I have been learning.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Support Systems Are Crucial

I had a rough week last week. I did OK with activities (though didn't get as much done as I'd planned), but eating was more or less out the window. On Saturday I ended up not even logging my food, which is unusual. I was feeling out of control and didn't have my heart in anything except feeling sorry for myself for my stupid knee situation and for my friend Peter dying tragically.

Friday night found me feeling pretty desperate in that I just didn't feel like I could keep doing all the stuff I've been doing, and that I would never lose any more weight. In that desperation, I reached out for help with a post on Facebook. I was a little embarrassed to do it, but at the same time I knew that I might get some good feedback from some of my friends, who have been cheering me on all the while.

I ended up with close to 60 comments! Here is a screenshot showing just a few. I was pretty overwhelmed by the kindness and support of so many. By the time the last comment posted, I was no longer sorry that I reached out and asked for help, because it made me understand how far I have come, how many people that I in turn have inspired in whatever way, and that I can't let a bad week get all of the good things I've been able to away from me. Just no way.

On Saturday, I went to running group (I'm mentoring the WalkFit part of it, though, so not running for me!) and it was great, as usual. Hanging out with those folks always cheers me up – and since some of them are my FB friends, I got still more pats on the back and encouragement by those who read my sad sack post. *sigh*

AND, after hemming and hawing most of the week about whether to weigh in or not – I knew I'd be up by a LOT and just didn't want to deal with it – I weighed in anyway and found myself up by five pounds, to 278. I was more or less prepared for that, but then I started talking about the whys for that happening with the program admin who was logging the info. The gates flooded, the tears flowed. Hugs ensued. It was a big mess, but it also felt like a good release. I left feeling determined that I'd be back down at next weigh-in. It stops NOW.

Saturday ended up being a bust more or less despite all this, but yesterday I finally said enough is enough. I was determined to have just one good day of eating, and eating within my calorie range. And you know what? I did it. Almost to the last calorie, too. It felt really good. Though it might be too soon to really know, I am pretty sure that my friends and family helped me get my mojo back.

In other news:

• Had my first meeting with the nutritionist, Mindy, on Wednesday! It was pretty awesome and I now have a good game plan set up for this next phase of success. She adjusted my calorie intake slightly and I am also NOT to count my exercise calories against anything at this point. So, I am at 1900 and she figures that for back to a two pound loss each week, rather than maintenance mode which is what I was really doing here these past couple months. Oh, wouldn't I love that so much right now!

Really, I am getting back to basics: whole grains, fruits and veggies, lean meats, good fats. Balanced meals with a combination of food groups at each. Keeping the metabolism fires burning. Drinking water (which has never been a problem). Meal planning and prep. Trying new recipes. Hunger and satiety awareness. One baby step at a time.

Sitting down and hearing it all again from a true expert was really helpful. We're meeting again in just over a month and I will be excited to see what my progress will be.

• Had an appointment with the sports doctor on Friday. He also feels that I have nothing serious going on and need to continue working on strengthening my glutes, which I will. He also says I've got sciatica issues on both sides as well as a herniated disc which may be causing some discomfort. I've got some stretch/strengthening exercises for that now, too. If I don't feel better within a couple weeks, he'll do a scan or x-ray or whatever he's got in mind, but he thinks that if I do what he's suggesting, I should feel a difference very soon.

Running is still a good 4-6 weeks away, if not longer. Rats. It's more and more OK, though – I am able to focus on strengthening my whole body, and I'm trying new things like the elliptical machine at the gym. I tiptoed on it once last week but felt awkward and gave up after a minute. This morning I tried again and told myself to give it five minutes at level 1, so that is what I did. Whew, that thing is intense! I consider myself to be pretty in shape at this point, but that kicked my butt. So now I am looking forward to building up my time on it. Next time, six minutes, and so on.

And as I mentioned last time, once the new year hits and my health insurance stuff resets, I'm joining LA Fitness again to work with my trainer, take classes here and there, and use the POOL.


Fuck this slump. I have so much to look forward to, not least of which is losing more pounds.

I'm doing it!

Monday, October 5, 2015

Setbacks and Emotional Eating

Today I am kind of the mindset that I just don't want to watch what I am eating. Sort of like a petulant child – I don't wanna! I guess we all have our moments and I am really not into beating myself up about this stuff anymore, but I am also SO sick of being stuck where I am, too. Obviously, these two things conflict like nothing else.

Last week I had a few goals set for myself and I did well.

• Remove obvious sweets from my diet
• Get at least 30 minutes of exercise in every day
• Keep my weekday routine into the weekend (i.e. no "off" day like I usually do after official weigh-in)

The first two were almost effortless. Between time at the gym, the start of No Boundaries, and PT sessions, it was easy. The morning habit has really caught on. I am not really a morning person, but I'm finding getting up and starting my day in a physical way easier and easier, not to mention more fun.

I'm on the search for the perfect upper body workout, and to alternate with it, something for my core. Need to do more research and really wishing I could find my old workout log from when I was working with a trainer last year. :(

The sweets things wasn't too bad, although I guess I cut it a little short by getting myself the best ice cream cone ever on Saturday morning after my Delaware Park workout with my running pals. (Yes, I walked though.) Can I tell you about it? Anderson's is a locally owned chain that is known for its beef on weck sandwiches and its homemade ice cream. My favorite flavor from them is Orange Chocolate, but alas! It is very seasonal (I guess around Easter time) and I almost never find it. So sad. However, I might have a new favorite and its name is Brownie Fudge. I had it in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone and I savored every single lick and bite. So there.

But see... maybe this is my problem, do you think? Look, I am not into depriving myself or making any food forbidden, though. I do understand that eating an amazing ice cream cone is going to slow down my progress, and I am (mostly) OK with it. So torn.

Still, you know, I feel pretty good about having maintained my 100 pound loss for a few months now. I weighed in at 272 on Sunday morning. So what if I could have been down to 250 by now?


Yesterday started out innocently enough, but I was waylaid by some terrible news. An old, dear friend of mine was killed in a motorcycle crash on Saturday night. I found out by scrolling through Facebook on late Sunday morning while waiting for some Mexican takeout. I was shocked. I was and still am so, so, so sad.

I am one of those people who tends to eat more when she is sad or upset, and yesterday was no exception. I had lunch which was fine, but on top of that I stuffed Cheetos in my face with abandon, had a big bowl of ice cream (which, quite frankly, I didn't even enjoy that much), some gorgeous and delicious artisanal peanut butter cups and a nice glass of bourbon. It was a binge to be sure, though it could have been worse. Really. Still, it was something I hadn't planned on and was a bit of a disappointment. Today I'm doing, I'd say, so-so. Not bad, not great. I'm trying to hold it together.

Plans for the week:

• More exercise every day!
Monday – one hour at the gym
Tuesday – PT (a.m.) and NoBo (p.m.)
Wednesday – gym
Thursday – gym  NOPE, opted to sleep in
Friday – PT  NOPE, had appointment with sports doctor
Saturday – NoBo
Sunday – not sure yet, but something like a walk, a hike, a bike ride... NOPE, no good reason

• Two weeks without sweets starting tomorrow – already messed that up today. NOPE, just didn't happen.

• A visit to the nutritionist on Wednesday! This should be productive and informative.

You guys. I am really missing running. Walking is good, but it's just not the same. No adrenaline rush, that is for sure. This morning I fudged a little and when I was treadmilling it at the gym I really lightly ran for a few intervals, like a 16-ish pace. The softer surface of the treadmill felt less destructive, anyway. But walking still feels worse than the running motion. I can't wait to see what the sports doc says about that.

I am also considering joining LA Fitness again on top of my membership at Best Fitness, mainly because I want the option of working with my old trainer, and I want access to the pool and to classes like yoga and Zumba. Since I spend so little at Best, I figure this is doable especially if I wait until the start of the new year to sign up with LA and use my insurance perks for it. I'm pretty excited about going swimming especially after being such a weirdo about it last year because of how my body looked. Newsflash: OVER IT. I just love that I don't give a crap anymore about how others might see my body. My body is not there to garner approval or scorn, so everyone can just screw it. (I know, I don't have to be so mean about it, I guess.)

Finally, I have decided to not even do the six-mile walk I was signed up for later this month. Originally I was going to the 10K trail run, then the walk they offer, and now? The 2.5 miles I walked in the park on Saturday left my knee hurting, so I can't even imagine doing six again anytime soon. I am sad about this but also now I have something extra special to look forward to next year, when I will be stronger and faster.

So that's where I am – complicated and wordy as ever.

I'm still in it.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Best Month

Hello hello! It's been over a week since my last post, how does that happen? Time has been flying by like crazy. October is here and having thought about it for a moment, I realized that it could be the best month in some ways.

I really love the fall season and October usually tells you that you're in it. Today feels a little crisp and long sleeves are totally appropriate. The way I like to dress is totally fall, so now I feel like I am in my element. It usually doesn't snow here in October (although, sometimes...) so it's just all about enjoying the cooler weather (great for outdoor exercise!) and the changing leaves. This time of year feels like a renewal for me, maybe a holdover from when I was still going to school. It's nice. I like it.

Anyway... as you know, I have not been running for a little while now, and my knee has not been feeling all that much better since starting PT – in fact, a little worse, to be honest. Yesterday at my appointment my therapist said that it's time to get checked out by a sports doctor just to rule out anything more serious, so I'll be doing that, I guess. Bummer – though when I said that to Becky (PT), she was like, "No! You'll come out of this even better!" I was just feeling like I could have prevented this somehow, that I took things too far, too fast (my partner commented last night that he just knew I was pushing myself too much, that our big bodies can't take that kind of abuse, etc). I'm not sure I completely agree with that, but I do think that I should have stuck with some shorter distances running (3 and 4 miles) a little longer than I did before getting too crazy with the 5+ miles.

But oh well, what's done is done! And hopefully I will get fixed up better than new in the end.

In the meantime, I have needed to find other forms of exercise than running and tennis, which are my two favorites but also the worst for my knee at this point. There is walking, of course, and I will be doing plenty of that. I also have PT exercises which are working my core and my lower body like crazy! I'm hoping to also get some more hiking in with my partner before the snow hits.

The best thing I've done, though, is sign up for a gym membership again. A friend of mine goes to Best Fitness and likes it a lot, plus it is VERY affordable, so I tried it for a week. Yesterday I sealed the deal and so now I have a place to go every weekday morning to get my PT homework finished and work on some upper body strengthening, and use the treadmill and whatever other cardio equipment I want! My needs are pretty basic. This is especially nice because even though I could do PT homework at home, I just wasn't doing it because I didn't like the space I have to workout in – very cramped and too many distractions.

Since the end of last week I've been enjoying my new routine of going to the gym almost every day before work. Many fewer people go in the morning, so it's relatively open and I get everything done that I need to do – and I get at least an hour of good sweating in! I love it. It's a great way to start the morning.

Unfortunately this week has been a little funny for getting there. Monday was perfect, Tuesday I had a PT appointment scheduled (I go in the early morning two times a week) but then had to cancel because traffic was SO bad and I just went straight to work, and of course Wednesday I had my rescheduled appointment. I didn't go today because I had to go to my doctor's office ahead of work to pick up some paperwork, blah. Tomorrow I have more PT. Alas. But I am looking forward to next week getting there on the days I don't have PT.

In other news, eating has been pretty OK. I am still sitting in the low 270s, so not gaining. Apparently I am a champ at maintaining, which is good to know! Unfortunately I didn't meet my goal of hitting the 260s by the end of September, but I just can't imagine that October won't be my time to get it done!

One of the problems I realized I've been having is doing relatively OK during the week, and then on weigh-in day (after weigh-in, of course!) I totally indulge. You know, that feeling of, "I deserve it!" Well, it's stupid because all that is happening is that I am cancelling out any progress I've made and starting from square one again. This weekend I have decided that I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm going to keep to my routine and see if I can't break out of this weight loss funk I have been in. I am excited about it!

Another step I have taken is to make an appointment with a nutritionist – the one who has been working with the ToF group at Fleet Feet, actually, Mindy. She's really great and I am hoping that she will help me get more focused and give me a good framework to play with. As you probably have realized by now, I have a very loose approach to how I am doing all this stuff. Mixing it up and shifting to something tighter might just do the trick to take me to the next level, and maybe I'll even learn something new, too!

All in all despite the setbacks I've been having, I feel like I am in a very positive place right now.

I'm totally trusting the process and I am ready to lose another 100 pounds.

Cheers? Anyone? Give me a cheer, and I'll give you one back. :)