Monday, November 12, 2018

On Speaking Up.

NOTE: I started writing this post on 11/9, this past Friday.

I'm feeling kid of blah today when I should be celebrating! It's FRIDAY! Woo!

It snowed today for the first time of the season. It was pretty!

But I don't know, I just feel kind of down and blah and tired and...

I guess the main reason the wind is out of my sails is because I'm feeling self-conscious. I actually spoke up today at work about some concerns I had about being heard and feeling part of the team. It felt... very awkward even though I got good feedback from my boss and from my co-worker. It's a slightly weird situation in which I've come in to a small team of two women who have both worked for the company close to 30 years doing the same job. Things are changing and moving along and they are too, but as the new person who's only been around for six months, it's an interesting dynamic. I won't bore you with details and I can assure anyone that I do like my co-workers and I am very happy at my job. I realized during the convo, and said, that I think part of it for me is that working for this company makes me so ambitious! I want to do stuff, I want to contribute, I want to get shit done, you know?

But I have to be patient with how things are now and the fact that I am still the new person in our little office. My boss has told me this before, too. I know she is supportive and sympathetic.

One thing that my one co-worker who was part of the discussion (the other one was out today) was that while I feel like I am not being heard, she feels like I have to disagree with everything they say. (So, to be more clear, we're talking about formatting/designing documents. I have a professional and educated background in graphic design, while no one else in my area does -- though my two co-workers have been doing this for decades.) Hey, I don't dispute what she is saying, because I do often find myself disagreeing and saying so when it seems appropriate, which is... often.

I need to learn to step back a bit and take things in before I try to really inject what I feel I have to offer, I think. I guess I am not used to doing that! It feels uncomfortable. Part of me feels sorry that I did speak up, but part of me is relieved. Growing pains, I guess. It was nice to have that conversation in the open and with my boss present so that she knows what the concerns are about all around, not just me and not just them.

So there was that, but also remember how I mentioned emailing my favorite parfumier about collaborating artistically somehow? I did get a nice response from someone at the company saying that they are actually rethinking their marketing and that she'll pass along my info and links to that team to see if there is a potential fit. Hey, it's better than just a flat-out no. I still doubt anything will come of that inquiry but you honestly just never know.

Speaking out can be scary! But it can also be really good for you.

I feel like I am still getting my sea legs at work. I mean, I feel very comfortable doing the work I am doing, and I like the people I'm working with in general (although it really bothers me when someone says that they don't like cats -- I have a hard time getting around that), but I am still having trouble fitting in and I'm trying to figure out why.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Thoughtdump. (But Not Just Politics.)

Politics, yes, but keep reading for non-political thoughts, too.

Today is... a total mixed bag. I was SO pumped up yesterday after voting (which I did first thing in the morning because I was so excited, was number 26 in my district!) and really hopeful. You can probably guess that I was routing for a massive shift in the opposite direction for our government this election. To say that I am not a fan of 45 is an extreme understatement. But, there were more local races that I had my eye on, too. I have lived in New York state my whole life, and while everyone knows it's a reliable blue state on the surface, what many don't know is that there are rather large swaths of the population that are quite conservative and vote red consistently. Basically, if it weren't for New York City and a couple other larger cities in the state, New York would be a solid red, or at least a swing state. Niagara county, where I live, is one of those places generally. It gets really discouraging to see.

So, I was pretty sure incumbent US Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D) wouldn't have a problem keeping her seat. She won handily with 66% of the vote over her Republican challenger. Hooray!

The good news in New York state is that its government has flipped back into a democratic majority. I was very disappointed about some local races, though. The first one was for the seat held by incumbent Congressman Chris Collins (R), who has been under investigation/indictment for felony insider trading; he actually WON. He won. Do you know by how much? ONE percentage point.

This right there, folks, this is why it is so important to get out and vote. People think their vote doesn't matter, doesn't make a difference? It sure can, and it sure does.

I'm still shaking my head over why people want to re-elect someone who's got a felony charge hanging over his head.

Another race that I was excited about was Carima El-Behairy's race against incumbent State Senator Chris Jacobs (R) in the 60th district. I've known Carima for almost 20 years and was so hopeful that she would get elected there. Unfortunately I don't live in the 60th and couldn't vote for her myself, and it was too late before I realized that I could have still been actively supporting her since lots of people I know do -- we have quite a cut-up puzzle of districts here in western New York (oh, you know... gerrymandering). Carima put up a good fight but fell short with 42% of the vote.

Meanwhile, in my district, the 62nd, republican incumbent Rob Ortt ran practically unopposed for the second time in a row. That's right... no one challenged his State Senate seat in 2016. For shame. This time, he actually did have a challenger running under the Green Party line -- except very few people knew about him! In fact, I didn't find out about Peter Diachun until just over a week ago. Even then, I couldn't find out much about him except that he was a retired chemist running on a shoestring budget with the strict intention of only holding office for one session in order to get the New York Health Act passed. I emailed him expressing support and he sent me a link to his website, which I hadn't been able to find on my own, funny enough.

I wish I had been able to support him better, too! As you might imagine, he did not come close to winning the seat, with just over 10% of the vote. Sadly, 20% of the 62nd district voters chose not to cast a ballot at all for this office -- it was recorded that they left that circle blank on their ballots.

For shame.

I've learned a few things about myself during this election.

+ I need to be more proactive in learning about candidates and what my choices are way before the actual election (duh)

+ I need to pay attention to local races going on around me so that I can be supportive of candidates that I feel are deserving, even if I can't vote for them myself.

+ I want to become more active politically, somehow.

+ I want to pay more attention in general. Since the 2016 elections, I admit it -- I've been burying my head in sand a lot! But that will get anyone nowhere, am I right?

+ I'm realizing that my ambition to go into environmental science work is indeed a political act in itself, which makes me even more excited about it.

One proactive thing I did when I voted this time was ask the polling place workers how I could volunteer during future elections. It turns out that, bonus -- they actually get paid, paid well, and tax-free to boot! Also, in my voting district, they're in desperate need of workers. So I actually followed up and called my Board of Elections and left my name to be considered. The man I talked to on the phone this morning was actually really grateful to hear from me! He told me how busy the polls had been yesterday and how short they were of workers, and was also glad to hear from a younger person. I had to laugh at that one and made sure to correct him on that! But it sounds like (and seems like) many polling place workers are on the older side, so... I guess in comparison I'm a spring chicken.

I'm excited to be part of the process next year!

+ + + + + + + + +

In other news, er, thoughts...

I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I think I am going to stop food logging. I feel like I've been doing OK with my eating and really trying to pay better attention to what my body needs. I just don't feel like fussing so much at this point. As you know, this will likely change again in the future, but for now, this is what feels right.

I keep almost pulling the trigger about starting to make art again! It feels like an itch that I am going to have to scratch really soon. That said, I had one of my older small paintings sell at a group show I had a few paintings in recently, so that felt great. I also have a commission that's been in the works for almost two years now that I finally told the client (a very old friend of mine!) that I'm just going to set a real deadline so that it just gets done. So, by December 15th, Maria will finally have her Finland painting! Hooray! I also have a pile of small canvases that I am anxious to put something down on -- portraits, more houses, animals, still lives... I just want to try all those random ideas floating around in my head.

I have a deadline. It starts now.

(I've always worked far better with a definite deadline; don't ask me why.)

I did a crazy thing and emailed my favorite parfumier to say how much I love her fragrances and how I would love to collaborate with her as an artist and/or graphic designer. I'm sure nothing will come of it, but... you don't know until you ask the question. So I asked!

I'm trying to think of other "crazy" things I can do to get side work that I love and believe in.

Budgeting is still a priority but all kinds of things have happened this year, and it's been a roller coaster. I want to make paying bills and saving money easy. Is easy the word? More automatic? I am constantly scribbling in my notebook making the money I earn at my day job work for the expenses we have, but it hasn't been easy without the buffer of all the part-time stuff I had been doing up until a few months ago. We're making due, it's not horrible, but I hate worrying about it. So I need to make a plan so that I can fix that. And I know I can. (I've been listening to lot of Dave Ramsey et al, discarding the Christian stuff and taking the rest. I can hack it!)

I'm excited about my future wardrobe but won't be able to fully implement it until I have some money set aside. It's OK. I can wait!

Phew, that was a lot. Let me ask you: Do you mind that I don't often post photos? Funny enough, for a very visual person my blogs tend to be pretty wordy.