Thursday, December 29, 2016

Saying Goodbye to 2016

First of all, I don't know how much I weigh right now. I've pretty much been sticking to once-a-week weigh, and last Saturday I clocked in at 302, which was an improvement. I'm not sure that I will best that this Saturday, though – eating hasn't been terrible but not super great, either.

I guess I haven't written anything here since before Christmas now that I think about it... but I have nothing much to report on that front. We're not huge holiday folks over here, though we spent a nice afternoon with my mom on Christmas eve, and I made my first-ever from scratch cheesecake at my partner's request. I was scared to try it, but I pulled it off! So, you know... cheesecake was eaten. But generally I think that I did OK. I mean, heck, I met with my trainer on Christmas eve morning for an intense workout, so how hardcore is that, right?

One thing I am really excited about is my overall fitness these days. As I have mentioned, I'm doing a lot of strength training these days (twice a week at the gym for hour+ sessions) and trying to keep stretched out – in fact, I asked Rick to text me every day to remind me to at least do some stretching. It really helps with soreness! So he has been happily complying with that, to my great appreciation. I haven't been running outside super regularly though usually at each training session I do a little bit on the treadmill. (TOTALLY not the same, by the way!!!) Well, I have a race coming up, and I have goals, so I know I need to get back to a running routine again sooner than later. So last night I went to one of the free group runs they hold at Fleet Feet and figured I'd just do what I could, as long as I did something. Most times they offer two and four mile routes for participants, so I went for the two mile thinking I'd run at least a mile and do my best otherwise.

The first mile is ALWAYS the hardest, and this one was no exception. I was kind of hating on myself the whole time and wondering how I could have let myself get so out of shape, watching walkers breeze past me. Then I realized that I wasn't far from the mile marker and I was starting to feel pretty good, strong even! Long story short, I ended up running the full two miles, only stopping for traffic lights. I was PUMPED. Totally pumped. I can still do this.

As I bid 2016 adieu, I think of a few things:

• I was reminded on Facebook that it was three years ago today that I began my efforts toward better health and fitness with my first appointment with a trainer (this was pre-Rick). Three years! In many ways I am disappointed with how this past year I managed to backpedal so much, but on the other hand I am such a better place than I was three years ago. There's no stopping now.

• I'm ready to upgrade my efforts again.

1. Continuing with my twice weekly training sessions (Monday evening and Saturday morning)
2. Making a routine of one weekly session with a running group (Fleet Feet or Niagara, Wednesdays)
3. Adding on one more weekly run with a friend (accountability, plus better and easier to run with someone!)
4. Daily stretching, even just a little bit
5. Daily meditation (I miss it! Would make me feel better!)
6. Implement a new break plan at work, where I sit at a computer all day – ugh. I recently read that rather than taking a longer walk in the morning before work or on a lunch break, taking a five-minute break every hour and walking around the office is even better. Hoping this will help keep me refreshed during the day as well.

Action plan!

1. Already in place – no problem keeping to this schedule.
2. All I have to do is get myself geared up and go after work on Wednesdays. Should be no problem.
3. I am contacting my friend Janice to start meeting up with her one morning a week. Looks like that will happen on Sunday mornings.
4. & 5. I can combine these two, like I used to. I still have a Headspace subscription that I have been wasting (for shame!). I can commit to waking up 15 minutes earlier in the morning, OR taking part of my lunch break at work, OR taking that time in the evening at home to achieve this goal on as many days as I can.
6. I need to set some reminders for myself until it becomes habit. I will set timers to hit on every hour. I could also plan to drink even more water – bathroom breaks could coincide.

• I have to always remind myself that yes, I can do this. Most days lately, it feels like I can't. I get discouraged a lot. But you know my mantra: I will NOT give up. I can't wait to see what lies ahead.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Being Brave

Today being brave means that I got on the scale, and it wasn't pretty. I was prepared. It's just reality, it's something to deal with and I have the knowledge and tools to deal with it.

I've hit 307 pounds. Grr. So not good.

So that is the bad news. The good news is that I know that I really can reverse the damage. I don't have to be here. New goal! *rolls eyes* New goal is to get below 300 before the new year. I can't stay here. I can't live with this. I can't just let it go.

One big help I have in my life is my boyfriend, who is also struggling with his goals. We're now closer in weight than we have been in a long time. When we first met, he weighed a good 70 pounds less than me, but over time he ended up weighing at least 30 pounds more than me at my heaviest. We don't know for sure. So now, we're within 10 pounds of each other. I am happy for him, but not happy for me.

I have to keep pounding at it, no matter how many times I have to make declarations here, no matter how many times I mess up, no matter how many times I said that I would never go above 300 again... I know now that I can never really be too far away from it. I was down to 265 and thought it would be impossible to find myself back here, but look how easily it happened!

I really know better now. I must continue to be diligent.

Oh well, at least I like this photo of me today. Thanks Photo Booth app on my work computer!

I like my hair today, and my lipstick.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Best Laid Plans

Frankly, things have been going just the opposite of how I want them to be going right now.

I know I have the power to turn that around, but I just haven't. The only thing I have been doing is going to my training sessions at the gym, but even this past week things got slightly derailed. Don't worry – headed back tonight right after work though.

I'm not totally blaming things on the weather, but I do think that I have been taking the turn of the season harder than I have in the recent past. It's been very cold and doing things like snowing and icing and I just can't stand it. I hate the stress of driving in those conditions, and I hate that weather like that prevents me from doing the things I want to do.

This past week, for instance:

• Wednesday I was supposed to do running group. I ended up leaving early from work because of a projected storm (good call), so no running or gym for me. I went straight home and did not want to leave again until I had to the next morning.

• Saturday I had high hopes that we'd have a reprieve, with a forecasted high in the 40s for my trip to nearby Rochester. Instead, more snow and ice and crap. I was supposed to run a race (the Reindeer Run!) and visit a good friend whom I haven't seen in years. I didn't go to the gym, either (much closer to home!). I probably could have, but again I was of the mindset not going nowhere no how. Ugh. In fact, I ended up not going anywhere at all for the whole weekend. On one hand, it was nice, but on the other, well... I just feel so down and blah.

I'm back at work today and the roads were totally clear the whole way down, no problems, but then the work parking lot? Reprehensibly covered in ice, just like an ice rink. Terrible.

Did I say how sick of this I am? And it's only December and it only just started. I am hoping that January will be gentler.

My eating has been shitty, for lack of a better word. No sugar-coating it. The last time I weighed myself a couple, few days ago I was 304, and really happy about it! Sad, right? I had been worried that I was up towards 310, so I was relieved. My goal for the end of the year is now to be under 300.

More sad. Ugh!


Total crap eating day again, but soon enough I will be at the gym making up for a tiny bit of that.

I don't know how this will end. I know what I have to do, but I am just not doing it.

Sorry this blog has become a total complain-fest do-nothing blah blah blah.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Weekends = Trouble

OK, so once again I sabotaged myself over the weekend. After seeing 298.8 on Saturday, which was great, the rest was a bust. Here's what happened, with me trying to figure out how the fuck to avoid the same thing happening again anytime soon.

We had planned on Saturday after my training session that I'd grab some pizza and wings that would carry us, meal-wise, through the end of the weekend. A couple few slices of pizza, a few wings each day, pretty much. We've done this plenty of times without it being a big thing.

But I had also run to the store because I needed supplies to make a couple things for the housewarming party I was attending later. Wouldn't you know that our favorite new ice cream was on sale? No, I didn't have to buy it, but I did.

Fast forward to what I made for the party:  a bacon-jalapeno cheeseball, corn flour crackers for my gluten-intolerant friend (she's the real deal), and something sweet. I was going to make truffles, but ended up taking a nap mid-afternoon and running out of time for all the chilling they require, so I made brownies instead. Well, those seemed to turn out funny, so I didn't even bring them to the party, but wouldn't you know that they actually tasted really good?

OK, so at the party I did pretty OK, eating-wise. I probably had a little too much, but I thought it was all right considering. I had one pour of Prosecco and drank water the rest of the time.

Wouldn't you know I ended up gaining almost 4 pounds when I weighed in yesterday? Ugh ugh ugh.

We had pizza and wings to finish and on top that there was ice cream in the freezer and those brownies on the counter. Basically, yesterday turned into a shitstorm and I ended the evening feeling really down on myself and really sad.

I did NOT weigh in this morning. I just couldn't do that to myself. But, once again, I am determined to lose some pounds this week even if it only means that I am back down to 298. Jesus, I am so sick of being a broken record and I wonder why on earth I keep sabotaging myself the way I do. Well, it's got to stop. No more of this "do good during the week and throw it all away on the weekend" crap. It's positively crazy-making.

Then this appeared in my email box this morning:

And it is a very good question. I guess I would have to define my fears first. Let's see...

• Being afraid of failing

Response: Well fine, but haven't I already had all kinds of little and not-so-little failures along the way? And if I do succeed and then fail again, I know what to do. This is silly.

• Being afraid that losing the weight I want to lose won't make my life any better

Response: But you won't know until you get there. And if it doesn't, that's OK because life is pretty good anyway. Again this is silly, because at the very least, I can shop for clothes in more places, I will be able to do more physical things more easily, and I will be healthier in general. It's kind of a no-brainer. Will it automatically make me more successful in my career? No. Big deal.

• Being afraid that maintaining my weight loss will be even more difficult than losing it in the first place

I already know the answer to this – I do know that it will be an ongoing struggle. I know that I must be diligent and keep a close eye at the numbers on scale. I know how easy it is to lose control again. But that's OK – all of it is work, so it may as well be good work. (Yes, it IS work being super obese, trust me. I don't want to do that again.)

• Being afraid that life will change in ways that I really can't imagine, even if it's positive

Response: Change is a fact of life. So far I have dealt with all kinds of change in my life and came out the other end just fine. This will be no different. Roll with it, baby.

That's good for a start.

Now that I have analyzed these fears, there is no need to hang onto them any longer. I hearby relinquish them to dust and nevermore.

Let's get on with it!

Plans for this week:

One hour training session at the gym

Run/walk a mile

Run with open running group at Fleet Feet

Run/walk a mile

Walk on lunch break

One hour training session at the gym

5K race!

Bring lunches to work. Plan for small dinners at home. Stick to 1600 cals as much as possible, continue 16:8 IF. Drink lots of water.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Finally, again

Oh gosh, I am back under 300 pounds again this morning, just – 299.2. I'll take it. Honestly I'd thought I would have quicker progress this week, but give me any progress and I will be grateful for it at this point.

I feel like my life has changed so much since Saturday and my first training session back with Rick! It's amazing how making a couple little adjustments in your life can make it so different, even better, in a short time. I've already paid into my training commitment that will take me to the end of the year, so that I am certain to start the new year on a good foot. That feels really good.

I've also been enjoying doing care-based things for myself like taking luxurious baths in LUSH products (about once a week or so, I need to restock soon!), using moisturizer on my face every morning (though I forgot today, go figure – also trying to get into the evening habit, too, but not doing well on that front), and dressing myself up, even in a small way with a fancier necklace. My office is very casual and I have worn jeans my fair share of times, but I actually feel so much more confident when I "dress for success" – even if that just means dress pants and said fancy necklace.

Another thing that I'm really loving is wearing my Kat Von D lipstick again (the most gorgeous red), LUSH Karma perfume, and that my haircut is finally starting to become a real part of me. While my body may not be exactly where I'd like it, I can still walk around feeling very good about myself because of the way I'm taking care of it in the meantime. That's a big realization!

Clothes-wise, there are two main things that I'd like to execute as staples – well, I pretty much have been, but I want to do it more intentionally:

• Wear more dresses! Getting ready in the morning for work couldn't be more easy when I can just throw on a comfortable jersey knit dress, leggings, and my Fluevog boots. I have this other lace number from Target that I need to shrink into that I can't wait to wear, too. I will keep an eye out for more dresses in my shopping future.

• Easy-to-coordinate separates, like Garanimals for adults, and layers. I do this by default most of the time, really. I never grew out of my corduroys, camisole, and cardigan phase from the early-mid 90s. It never gets old or out of fashion, if you ask me. Today my variation on this is grey dress pants, a long, black tank top under a long sleeve asymmetric burgundy jersey knit shirt, topped with a light grey fine-knit cardigan. (Plus big colorful necklace.)

I can't tell you how many tank tops and camisoles I own. LOTS. I collect cardigans like a fiend. I'm actually fresh out of corduroys but have plenty of other pants. One thing missing from my separates equation is skirts – all A-line, all the time, thank you! I have one black microsuede one that I've had for YEARS, and I would love to have a dozen made with its same shape in different colors and textures. I actually used to make those for myself and sure I could again, but it would be a matter of, oh you know, actually doing it. But maybe I will!

There are some other interesting things going on in my life that I won't share here, but suffice it to say that I have high hopes for the new year and look forward to slash and burning the memory of 2016, which was a challenging year in so many ways.