Do You Like What You See In the Mirror?

So listen, you guys know that I've been having kind of a hard time lately, but I'm still trying. Right? Pretty much.

Well, I have two things to share with you today. One, it turns out that I've been getting some new readers here because this blog was selected as one of the best weight loss blogs by Healthine.com – the second year running! Of course that is wonderful news, but at the same time, it's like... well, there hasn't been much losing going on in the past year. Some, yes, but not much. Rather, it's been mostly a lot of back and forth and what amounts to something that doesn't feel like commitment.

I've been here more than a few times before. This has been my life. I know what can happen. It can go one way or the other – I can continue gaining weight and then have to start completely over again (which would really, really suck), or I can keep working on it and I can lose some weight again. Maybe it would be 10 pounds, maybe another 100. Maybe more. And then maybe I'll gain some back, lose some... you get the picture.

I don't really want to live the rest of my life like that. I'd really like to lose some weight and just keep it off, and I know that I could do it. I do. I can. I will. I mean, and I also shouldn't discount the fact that I've managed to keep off 40 pounds for three(ish) years, which is not too shabby. But wouldn't it have been nice if it could have been all 107 or so pounds that I lost in the first place? And more?

Anyway, if you're here because of healthline.com, welcome! And if you've been along for the ride for a while now, all the better! I am grateful to all of you.

Now. Let me get to the whole thing about today's post title. I HATE this stuff. I try to be very body-positive and I try to like what I have and who I am at any given moment, you know, because that's what it is. Today, though, my partner took a few photos of me testing out a new camera lens, and while they were lovely as photos, I could do nothing more than think about how unhappy I am about how I look in them. What a shame, right? I don't know. I'm just having a terrible time accepting the extra bigness of me after having been not as big for a while.

So let me share one of the photos with you here. It's a really nice picture and it's got our super lovely kitty, Mia, in it, too! I'm sharing it why? I'm not sure, but I feel like it's kind of akin to yanking off a band-aid or something. Just put it out there – people see me as I am all the time, it's only strange to me, right? I'm trying to get used to seeing myself. Thanks for indulging.

Photo by my partner who shall remain unnamed by his choice. Look at that halo of light around Mia!

Ah, OK. OK.

So today? I was spotting a bit. Yes, I got my period at least a little bit which means that I have something to blame some of that weight gain on, I guess. I was three pounds down this morning without having done anything too special to cause it. I'm a little relieved but I am also annoyed because my period is the last thing I need right now with a cross-country trip ahead of me and all.

If I may talk some lady talk? I'm pretty much in the throes of peri-menopause, and what that means is that I can go for months and months without bleeding, and then all the sudden BAM! Horror movie city for weeks, no exaggeration. So I am definitely hoping it is not one of those periods, obviously. It's impossible to tell. I won't know until I am in it. And though I do not believe in god, if you want to send some good vibes my way in the form of wishes for a really short, light period, it would be most appreciated.

Note: The longest I've gone without menstruating is over seven months. Menopause means you haven't for a year, so I am not really there yet. Nope.

Anyway, it definitely explains why I have been so bloated this past week. Ugh. Make it stop.

Today I had a thing to go to – I was asked to be a portfolio reviewer for the teen program at the Albright-Knox Art Museum, something I've done several times before. Today's panel of students was especially interesting and talented, I think. I got to chat with five different teen artists about their work and their plans for the future, which is really nice in the sense that it sort of invigorates me and reminds me why I am an artist in the first place. Being transported to that phase of my life vicariously is a journey! I related quite a lot to them this round but have much higher hopes for them and their accomplishments than I ever had for myself.

Things are SO different now. The kids I talked to were all juniors in high school, so if we can go back to when I was a junior? It was 1986–87. No internet. No digital photography, no social media. No cell phones. I never had cable TV growing up, even. Coming out of college in 1992 it was much the same. I think about how different my life as an artist could have been if I'd had the same resources that are around now. I really can't fathom it. I mean, plus, who knows if it would have been a positive change or a negative one? Still, I can't help but feel like I really would have taken advantage of how easy getting oneself and one's work out there IS.

That all said, it's no use thinking much about it because that is not how it was. It is now, though, of course, and I can use those things to reshape my life as it is now. I didn't totally miss out.

Coming home after, I went outside and picked up most of the twigs that have accumulated in the front yard from our sycamore tree over the winter (which made me more winded and tired than I would've liked), and then made some black beans and rice for dinner, and then made some more collages and drank some wine and listened to cool music with my partner. Tomorrow I have an in-person interview and I have one on Tuesday, too. I have to clean the house. I also have other stuff to do.

I guess what I am saying is that I'm pretty OK right now.

Thoughts On My 600 Pound Life

I'm back! I'm at the same point in the evening as I was last night which means I'm tired and totally ready for bed, but I do want to write something here before I retire for the night while it is still relatively fresh in my mind.

So, I watched that TV show My 600 Pound Life the other day, on a whim. It was a kind of recap show showing how people they'd shown previously were doing. I didn't watch all of it; in fact, about a half hour if that was about all I could deal with, to be honest. But in that short time, it did evoke all kinds of feels. 

I thought that maybe this kind of show would help people feel more sympathetic toward super obese people, but I am sure many people watching sit there and feel superior or have a good laugh or whatever. It didn't make me feel very good feelings. I had all sorts of things going through my head and I kept thinking how on earth do you let yourself get so big? SO big?

I know, this is almost hilarious. I'm not totally comfortable having this thought, mind you. I feel awful that it popped up. I am one to talk – she who almost tipped 400 pounds not so long ago and who, if she doesn't watch it now, will be back there again and maybe even more. I know very well how one "gets there". Maybe one of the reasons why my brain threw that smug thought out there was a protective measure, to evade what the truth really is. The very scary truth is that I could very easily find myself weighing 600 pounds or more one day. My god, it's my worst nightmare, but it could happen. I don't want to be sympathetic to it, does that make sense?

Then the other side of the ugly coin is that watching the show made me feel better about myself at the weight I am – after all, I can bend over and touch my toes, and I can go on a short, easy hike, and I can play tennis, and I can usually fit in a restaurant booth (but sometimes not so well if we want to be honest). I can get up from the floor (although I probably look ridiculous), I can... do lots of things.

BUT. Because my weight has resumed its creep upwards after hanging out at around 330 for at least a couple months, there are things that are getting harder to do again – the things on a daily basis that affect quality of life, like putting shoes and socks on easily, lowering myself into the bathtub (SPLASH!), making a nice meal or doing household chores without getting winded or sweaty, and the worst: Personal hygiene, I'll say no more.

I feel like I am in crisis mode again but just don't know how to pull myself out long enough for it to really catch and hold. I managed to lose enough weight to feel comfortable again back in the beginning of the year, January into February back into the 310s, which was just enough to feel normal again. Since then, though, it's been slowly coming back on and it just feels desperate.

I guess in short the show played on all my worst fears, the ones I don't want to face but really need to.

In other news, we decided to take advantage of my lack of full-time obligations and are finally taking the road trip we've always wanted to – cross country! Later this week, off to the Grand Canyon via St. Louis, Kansas, and Colorado, and then over to the Mojave Desert and the beaches of southern California. Then, back through New Mexico and Texas and all the way home. It's a getaway I think we both really need and my hope is that it will be kind of a reset for me. I'm not expecting to lose weight on a trip like that necessarily, but I wonder if being out of my usual element will help to place my mind on a different track for while I'm away and after I return. Here's hoping, anyway.

And on that fairy tale note, I bid you good night. Until next time, dear readers!

Sisyphus or Something

Where to begin? How about with my usual dose of honesty?

I'm pretty sad tonight. I'm just really disappointed in myself and frustrated and all that stuff.

That said, I had a pretty nice day today. I kind of slept in, took a shower, and then had a phone interview with a recruiter that went well (we'll see. I've had a number of interviews and... nothing so far, but whatever. Someone's got to snap me up eventually, right?).

After that, my partner and I went on a hike. I call it a hike, but really? Just a walk on a nature trail that is not challenging, not really. 1.3 miles, so not bad, but I felt it. I'm feeling it now. Which is why I am sad.

It was the perfect day for a hike — temps in the low 60s, sunny but not too sunny. The snow is finally gone. The trail had a couple other people on it but we mostly felt like we had it to ourselves.

But getting ready for the hike, that's when the sadness started churning in the background when I realized that my choices for what to wear are now pretty darned limited, which sucks. I don't have jeans that fit anymore. I've been wearing leggings and forgiving fabrics for about a year and now I am paying the price. My exercise/leisure hoodies all have holes in them! So, I ended up wearing cropped black leggings, and one of my sleeveless jersey dresses with a long-sleeved striped jersey shirt underneath. That's when I discovered that my partner has the worst attitude toward stripes.

"Only really skinny people should wear stripes. Don't you have any hoodies without holes in them?"

Mind you, I have worn stripes plenty of times around him. It's nothing new, though it's been a while, I admit. I'm usually in all black up top.

But whatever, I didn't listen to that or anything. I told him how awful and ridiculous I thought that was to say that, and that I was wearing my stripes, oh well. Just my arms were showing the stripes, too! Sheesh.

So that was weird and I really need to go through all my clothes and figure out what my needs are because I cannot live life without decent activewear. I feel like all my activewear now is either worn out or more geared for running or tennis. I need less specific gear, if that makes sense. I don't know. All I know is that nothing felt appropriate.

Also, my weight has gone UP. 337, which... I don't even know what to do with. I am genuinely horrified. I felt every single pound of it on that trail and it was really upsetting, though I didn't express that outwardly. I mean, this is all my fault. It's just crazy that this has happened. The worst part is that I feel like I don't know how to fix it, even though I have done this so many times. Hence the Sisyphus reference — just over and over and over, the same thing. Make progress, eventually have to start over. God.

Another thing I want to write about that I'm going to save for tomorrow is that I watched an episode of My 600 Pound Life yesterday on a whim. I have SO MANY thoughts about it, but I want to take my time and bed is calling because I am wicked zonked. I leave you until next time, dear reader, and please don't freaking spam me, OK? Because that is the worst kind of comment to get — you get excited because you think you're getting a genuine comment and then... a stupid link to a stupid quick fix or miracle that's not really a miracle... PEOPLE! I DO NOT love that stuff, like, at all. I don't think anyone does.

So leave nice comments or even critical comments but do not leave me spam. I am deleting you.

(Love and appreciation for everyone else, though!!!)

Fat People Can Play Tennis!

Yes, it's true. Fat people CAN play tennis!

It is such a relief that spring has finally arrived. Things were really feeling dire with all the cold weather and even snow we were getting up until just recently – it was kind of mind-boggling! (Not to mention scary and sad, our poor Mother Earth). BUT on Sunday we took our first foray back out to the tennis courts and it felt great!

OK, well, it felt great mentally. Plus, I could still hit the ball, wow! I was honestly a bit worried that I lost all the skills I'd built up last season. Happily, they are still with me.

As you might imagine with someone who hasn't done very much to be active since last summer, physically the first day was a little rough. Obviously I lost a LOT of cardio fitness and, because I gained about 40 pounds since we last played (boo!!!), I didn't have the ability to make it across the court as adeptly as I did before. Those things were definitely discouraging, BUT we hit the ball around for a good half hour on our inaugural outing, and then went out again yesterday for 45 minutes, and today? We reached a full hour again, which is what we always aimed to play last season – at least. Both of us are definitely tired and achey, but I'd say that we have a great start to summer 2018 and I can't wait to get back into better shape so that I can play my best game.

So, here I am on the court today in my tennis blacks (as opposed to whites, ha!), all 330 pounds of me. I'm not embarrassed; to the contrary I am pretty proud to get back out and do something like this in public no matter what I look like. I mean, seriously – just because someone doesn't look like a typical athlete doesn't mean that they can't also participate in sports, even something like tennis. I like that I can be out there and feel OK mentally about it.

Down at the courts at Kiwanis Park in Lewiston! I'm wearing a Universal Standard t-shirt,
by the way, and it is the most soft, comfortable thing ever to hit my skin. I've got a Head racquet and
the best Adidas tennis shoes ever, because there are owls on them and they're red and silver!

I mention this only because I don't think that I was always of this mindset and it is something that I wish for everyone who doesn't conform to certain physical expectations. Go out, try new things, put your body out there and see what it can do!

Here's the thing for me: I am still going to talk about losing weight because I still want/need to, and having this forum in which I can be forthcoming and honest really helps me. Yes, I feel conflicted about adding to the whole "diet talk" thing and honestly, I don't always think it is healthy; however I'd like to think that what I am doing and how I am talking about it is an exception. I really hope so. I guess if you've been reading along long enough you know what my reasons are, but if not, let me reiterate: I especially want to lose weight now because I want my tennis game to be optimum, and I also want to get back into walking and running, and whatever weight I lose will make all those things easier – not to mention just plain old daily life type stuff.

I've been right around 330 for at least a month or so now. It doesn't feel great. It feels like most of the weight I gained back went straight to my tummy and my arms, and it is uncomfortable. My stomach gets in the way and just feels awkward. There is no getting around it! Even dropping ten pounds will feel much better. I know because I did this not too long ago – back in February I was back down under 315 and the difference was incredible. You wouldn't think it, right? But it is.

I'm not having a super easy time getting back to better eating habits. It's very up and down, but I keep working at making each day a better day on that front. And if I don't make the best decisions? I try again. It sounds laborious, it IS laborious. You'd think that I could just decide and that would be it. If only. I've realized (again) that if I don't keep foods that I really shouldn't be eating so much of right now (ice cream, gummi bears, whatever other junk that might creep its way into the cupboards or fridge) in the house, I won't eat them. It makes things much easier. So there is that: It starts at the grocery store. I'd also like to stop drinking alcohol for a little while and just give my body a break from processing it.

Now that exercise is back into the equation, I think things will flow more easily. When I am on that tennis court, all I keep thinking is, "Ugh, fat! You really need to go. You're in my fucking way." Seriously. It's part mental and part physical. But it's all on me.

So let's do this!

Or Maybe Not.

If you've been keeping tabs, you know that I have only sent out one TinyLetter since I professed to make the move over to it from here. The truth is, my life has erupted into something entirely different I last wrote publicly. First and foremost, I was let go from my main day job two weeks ago on Tuesday. I will just say I cannot claim to be blameless, however the story goes way beyond anything you could see on the surface. It was long in the making involving both interior and exterior factors. That's all I will say aside from that it was a fantastic learning experience and I will know never, ever to stay in a toxic work situation again, and I will never hold onto a job beyond its (or my) expiration date. That was my biggest mistake.

The truth is this is a huge opportunity to further mold my life into the way I see fit for myself and my family. I have a little time to make/let things happen and not have to worry financially but have already had a couple interviews and leads – and I've been drafted into a pool of graphic designers for an amazing branding startup (so happy about that!). I was told by my now former employers that I could still freelance for them, and that they would provide a good letter of recommendation, so... it's not all bad.

I've been enjoying the downtime and trying to use it to best of my advantage. I'm not always successful at this, however. Some days are better than others, as you might imagine. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders on one hand, but on the other I still have feelings of regret and embarrassment and even sadness to an extent. On good days, though, I do things like take classes on Skillshare or CreatveLive or Lynda; or clean the house; or do job searches. I feel hopeful and excited about my professional future. I'm not scared.

Another thing I have been doing is working in customer service very part-time at a friend's bicycle specialty shop. They do a lot of internet business and needed help handling returns and helpdesk and stuff. The pay isn't great, but it keeps me busy and engaged and continuing to learn new things, which is always a plus in my book! I'm not sure how long I'll be doing that for, but it's nice to know that I'll have some extra dollars and it's nice that I am able to help my friend in her time of need as well. (Thanks, Jen!)

Aside from that, I've been watching a lot of Mozart in the Jungle and Psych and various movies on Filmstruck and wearing the same clothes every day that I am home. I'm staying showered and brushed. I cook, I do dishes. I check the mail. I check email. (OK, I check email a lot.) I've been thinking about trimming my hair, just a few snips to frame my face while keeping it long. I used to cut my own hair all the time, but now I am not sure if I trust myself with that anymore.

I have not-so-great days when my confidence is low, and when my heart feels broken. I haven't been writing as much as I had hoped – keeping a daily practice was my intention but some days I feel too sad to. Maybe sad is not quite the right word. I don't know.

Since this blog is supposed to be about my weight loss and fitness stuff, I'll note a bit here and now: It hasn't been going well. Part of me feels like not caring, but part of me is mourning the way I was feeling about my body even just a year ago. I haven't been on the scale in at least a week but I don't have high hopes for that – certainly above 330 again. I know it. But, I am going to get back to some sort of routine and will start with a weigh-in tomorrow and every day after that. This is something I know that not everyone does, but it's something that, when I am managing my weight, I need to do. One of the first things I thought to myself when I walked out of my office for the last time was that I would now have the time to dedicate to even just walking daily again. Tennis season is coming and I want to be ready. I want to be able to run around and be comfortable and all of it. I even want to start running again. I really do. I will. (?) (See. I am still unsure.) I don't know goal I want to set yet except that I'd really, really like to remain under 322 for the sake of symbolism of a kind – that's 50 pounds below where I started from my highest weight over four years ago. If I can keep off that 50 pounds at the very least, well.

The other thing is getting back below 300 again. That feels important, too, but right now almost impossible. Still, it is what I want for myself. One step at a time can get me there.

I'm glad to have opened up this portal again and written a few words. It helps. I need to always remember that. Opening up and getting it out always helps.

As always, thanks for reading.