Tuesday, March 30, 2010

More baby steps

I keep putting off, and putting off doing what I need to do. I don't think I can put it off for much longer, though -- I feel rather like a ticking time bomb.

Since I last wrote here, I haven't been doing much good for myself. Or for my partner. Poor guy, he wants to lose weight, too, and eat better foods but since I am the one who drives and does the shopping, he's stuck with the crap I've been choosing to buy. I keep saying, "Oh, we need to sit down and make master food lists -- things that are good for us that we will eat," and never do. Well, I feel like today is it. (Trying not to look back and see how many times I've failed... really.)

I never did order the new scale. Until just now. Yep, just after I wrote that sentence, I went over to Amazon, where I had the kind I wanted all selected and waiting in my cart for a couple weeks, and I finally bought it. It should arrive Thursday.

Last night I realized that to try to start exercising right now feels pretty overwhelming, especially since moving at all, period, feels pretty uncomfortable (can you believe it??? I can't!). So, I'm going to take the approach I took two years ago when I began to lose weight: lose some weight first, maybe ten pounds, who knows, and then start an exercise program to supplement the better eating. I mean, honestly? Gardening season quickly approaches so I probably won't even need to think about it because I'll just be out there toiling happily, but the thought of walking even those ten minutes is just... ugh. For some reason, my whole body has been in pain for the past week or two. I don't know if it is just from being so fat, or from all the stress I've had lately, or something else. It sucks. It also makes even walking sound like a horrible chore. I've never been like this before. It's just got to stop.

So I've got my scale on the way. That will be helpful.

Today I started tracking food again. I was totally unprepared to do this today, so I ended up with my go-to fast food meals that are fairly healthy: McDonald's for breakfast (the yogurt parfait and an Egg McMuffin with no meat), and Subway for lunch -- no meatballs though! And it's all logged. I'm thinking I will pick up some chicken breasts for dinner and some asparagus, maybe some oven fries like we used to have. And tonight, I'll make sure we have the food talk so that I have a good grocery list to refer to when I am out shopping.

I'm so sick of thinking about all the things that I'd like to do but can't because of how much I weigh or what my body isn't capable of doing. Not to mention the more practical issues that I've mentioned in the past. Just all of it. It's too much. It's too sad.

Too sad.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Positive vibes

I'm feeling pretty good today, which is always nice. Kind of a surprise, too, since it's pretty gloomy outside -- grey and drizzle.

Which is why I am that much more excited to share with you my achievement for the day: I went for a walk on my lunch break. You see, I almost didn't because of the weather, but I went ahead and threw my coat on and went for it, regardless. I am very proud of this. And I have to give credit where it is due; honestly, if it wasn't for the accountability I feel I have for you readers, I may have skipped it. In fact, I probably would have. But then I thought, "I promised them. I can't skip again," thinking back to Sunday when I did just that.

So I told myself to just go for ten minutes. I went to the bike path, said good day to a pair of Canada geese, and started walking. I felt like I was able to cover more ground than I thought I would; I was also surprised that I was able to make it back in the same amount of time that I went out. I thought for sure I'd slow down. It sure felt like it, but according to my watch I did five minutes out and five back. It was really the perfect amount of time for me at this stage. My goal is to make an easy twenty, and then try another round of C25K. I am definitely aiming to run again, oh yes. I have not yet given up hope to run a marathon before I die.

I've been eating pretty well today, too. Toast, yogurt, oranges (x2), and some leftover asparagus asiago risotto, maybe a cup or so? I have another yogurt with me if I need something more later. For dinner, I'm stopping off at the gyro place (C. is dying for one; it is his obsession right now), and I am not sure what I'll get. I may splurge a little, if getting a gyro as a meal is considered splurging.

Along with the whole Flylady thing, and some nice emails with an awesome co-worker, I feel like I am re-setting my brain for many aspects of my life. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and really enjoy things as much as I can. For me, having a cleaner (not necessarily always clean clean, but cleaner) house has a lot of bearing on my general happiness, so stupid old Flylady has made a big difference in my life even if I'm not in it completely. Making the bed first thing is now a habit; "swish and swipe (sic)" is, too -- it's wiping down the sink, toilet, and mirrors (and whatever else you have time for), and quickly swishing the toilet with the brush, just so your bathroom is always ready for company. What a concept!

I know, I am slow on the intake when it comes to certain things. Hey, I'm getting there!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Ack, I almost made it through another day of not writing here, tsk. It was really by accident that I didn't show up yesterday... all the sudden, the day was gone. I also haven't been calling my mom like I keep meaning to.

I am, however,

• Making the bed every morning
• Keeping the sink clean
• Keeping the bathroom clean (well, I still need to do the tub, but the public parts of the WC are AOK
• Drinking more water
• Picking things up and putting them away, or dusting something with the duster if it needs it
• Getting dressed and ready, even if I don't plan to go out

I still am not quite where I hoped to be food-wise today, mainly because what remains in the house is mostly food that is not-so-conducive to losing weight, and I am extremely low on cash until Wednesday. It's all right though. Writing here regularly, and getting those stupid emails from Flylady and her fitness dude are making impressions on my noggin... and that's really what it takes. I must admit, though, I am feeling a bit pathetic having the Flylady on my mind most of the time.

Today wasn't such a good eating day, but I hope that tomorrow will be. I am finally starting to desire to make real changes in my life. Oh, how I need to, dear readers. My bones are aching and I'm not even 40 yet! I try my best to not act "like a fat person" (whatever that means—it's a stupid stereotypical idea I've created in my head about what I don't want appear like to other people, even though it is TOTALLY OBVIOUS that I am, like, really fat!). So, while I try not struggle getting up off the couch, or bend over to tie my shoes, or walk a certain way, or have a miserable/pained look on my face, or to dress too shabbily... I am still fat. Really fat. And all the pretending in the world isn't going to change that.

Only real action will.

I didn't go for a walk yesterday or today. But you know what? I am committing in my mind to do it tomorrow. On my work lunch break. 10 to 15 minutes. I'm going to drive to where the bike path starts and see what I can do. Because I have to do something.

In the meantime, I would just like to thank all the people who are my friends and who will hang out with me in public places and don't seem embarrassed at all by it. Having friends like you makes it easy for me to feel like a real person and to even forget that I really am a "big fat" person. So, so thankful for that. I know everyone's not so lucky.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Power of Friendship

Today I didn't do much thinking or fretting about the topic at hand.

Well, I was hungover from the bottle of wine I drank last night (not something I do often, by the way), so I slept in late, and then this afternoon an old friend came to visit from the next city over -- I hadn't seen her in almost three years! This is one of my best and oldest friends, too. It was definitely a special occasion. We had plans to head over to the Western New York Book Arts Center in downtown Buffalo together, where I teach workshops sometimes. She is also an artist and bookbinder and we had a great time.

One thing that stood out was that she told me that I looked really nice -- and stylish! She liked my hair, my clothes. I hadn't heard something like this in one sweeping statement from someone in so long, it took me aback. I was like, "Really?" And she was like, "Yes!" Her compliment meant so much to me. See, I work in an office where there is a group of women, 20-ish to 40-ish, who all happen to be quite stylish. Most of them are slender, but not all, though I am definitely the fattest person, stylish or no. On one hand, they all inspire me with their fashions (I actually really love fashion), but on the other hand in comparison I feel like a dumpy lump most of the time, and feel certain that I look like it, too. R.'s statement to me felt like more than just a compliment -- it was more like a lifesaver, an energizer. She didn't focus on how much weight I gained, or that I am still fat; she just saw me as the friend she always knew and loved, and noticed the positives.

She and I have made plans to do things in the next couple months together. I get a real sense that this renewed friendship will help me blossom, go out more, enjoy life more, enjoy myself more. We've been friends since we were 18 (so that's... something like 22 years!), but somehow this visit felt different, more positive than ever before -- she as a recovering alcoholic, and me as a recovering... overeater? We, as friends and as the strong, creative, interesting women we are.

P. S. I didn't go for a walk today, but I will tomorrow. Promise.

Oh, and as far as food goes? It was an OK day. Cereal for breakfast, and a gyro and fries for dinner. I just had a bowl of ice cream. No, I didn't make the best choices, but I also didn't have three huge meals...

My plan for my next paycheck on Wednesday, by the way, includes a new scale (I finally chucked the old one which just refuses to work properly, even with a new battery) and some workout clothes. I'm pretty excited.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Baby Steps

So, I've been sort of doing Flylady the past week or so. Nothing too hard core on my part, really -- just doing the making the bed first thing in the morning, and keeping the sink shiny (so nice!). These are small changes, but she really emphasizes making small changes a bit at a time only, so that they're more likely to become habits that are easy to keep up. I'm getting there. Tonight I set my alarm for 15 minutes and cleaned the bathroom, which I hate to say really needed it.

I did in fact go for a walk last evening. Holy cow, what an eye-opener! I did ten minutes and that was enough. It was just about all I could do, really. So sad to think about where I was a year ago. Or even more so, two years ago. But there's no sense in looking back. There's only now and the future. I did something, though, and that is what is important. Tonight, the cleaning qualified as exercise. I sweated enough to prove it, honestly.

Today I tried to make some small changes, continuing to remind myself that I don't have to do it all at once. I had a yogurt and whole wheat toast for breakfast and drank some water; for lunch I was back at Subway but decided no more meatball marinara any more. I had roast beef with red vinegar and the usual host of vegetables; one concession I did not make was to have cheese on it. I grabbed a bag of baked Lay's and, for the first time in a while, a diet soda. Somehow I had gotten into the habit of drinking regular soda, and that is something that is not hard for me to abstain from, so abstain I did. The rest of the day I had more water. Ultimately, I'd like to get back to all water again, except maybe at dinner.

Speaking of which, I honestly set out to make a relatively healthy meal. I bought scallops and asparagus. I had decided to make a risotto. Actually, the asparagus risotto was not too bad until I added a handful of asiago cheese to it at the end (which it probably didn't even need, it was so creamy), and the poor scallops, I baked them in some butter with a bread crumb topping.

*sigh* Well, I still consider it a good day looking toward change. Tomorrow's another day, we'll see what I can do then.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Obsession

That's what I have with food and eating: an obsession.

It's sad to admit, but I probably look forward to eating more than most other things in life right now. I don't know why.

I almost always indulge my cravings. I'm doing all sorts of things I don't know why I am doing. Then, I curse myself as I struggle to get up from the couch, or to TCB in the bathroom.

I don't know what I am doing. One thing I do know is that I will take a walk this evening. That is my promise to you, even if it just for 10 minutes. I'm confident I'll be able to do much more, but at this point I guess you never know.

I've been going through alternating wearing two pairs of pants, they're all I have that fit right now. One pair is some jeans that I thought I retired from public use last summer, when they were my official gardening and getting dirty pants. I've also used them to paint in and it shows. And I'm wearing these to work, for shame -- hoping no one will notice. That I am invisible from the waist down somehow.

Something's got to give. I see that, so do you.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Day Two

Reflection. That's what I've been up to. Dealing with my cumbersome body, avoiding mirrors even.

I don't know, I don't have much to say today. I actually almost forgot that I committed to write here regularly again! Baby steps.

One thing I did do is tell a friend who lives across the country and who is training to run a marathon that if she decided to go for the whole thing (she was debating doing the half instead), that I would start walking again. She accepted my challenge, so now it's something I've got to do... well, it's something I really needed to do anyway, so. I don't want to go back on my promise to her, and I owe it to myself to do it, too. That's something.

When I am going to start? Good question. I suppose tomorrow's as good a day as any, but I don't know. That's the best I can do right now... unless someone wants to kick my butt?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Back to Basics

OK, so... I am nowhere near getting anything accomplished in this area of my life. But I know I need to, and soon. I am on a keen downward spiral when it comes to my health and well-being. I'm treating my body like a garbage disposal. Isn't that sad?

It really feels impossible to break out of this funk. Sure, I've done it before so technically I know I can, but this time around? I feel like someone dropped me out of a plane into the middle of nowhere with no compass or resources. It's scary.

I have a partner who also wants to start eating better and lose some weight. He is totally on board with it. But it's really up to me, because I'm the one who buys all the food, and lately when I go to the store, I find myself grabbing at least a few "treats". At work, I'm stopping off in the mornings for drive-through crap for breakfast, and I've somehow become addicted to meatball parmesan subs at Subway lately. Used to be I'd always get the roast beef and loved it. Not sure what happened there.

I decided yesterday that I would start writing here every day about whatever was floating around my head related to eating and my body. It's something. It's self-awareness at the very least.

Once in a while, now that the weather has broken into spring for the most part, I envision myself out there walking around the neighborhood again. I picture myself getting strong. Now? Walking up the stairs makes my knees hurt. How the heck did I get back to this state? Seriously!

Today is start. I'm not saying that today I am working on my eating. I already made a trip to Dunkin' Donuts. (I got a small strawberry Coolatta and three donuts, in case you were wondering.)

First thing is first. To get back out there walking, I need some clothes. No, really. You would not believe how beat up most of the wardrobe I am able to fit into now is. The pants I used to wear for walks and runs... ech. No shirts. I need a new hoodie. It's the only way I see myself getting out there again.

I'll put that on my list: new workout gear. That'll be a priority.

The good news is that for the first time EVER I have my finances in order. I'm also totally serious. Really. This is a huge thing for me and it does give me hope about my body stuff, because I always linked my eating issues with my money issues. What happened was that I started keeping my check register and wrote down all my debit card purchases along with any (rare) checks I wrote. Doing this enabled me to see exactly how much money I had at any given time, and helped me to avoid overdraft fees. Before that, I never had a clue as to how much money I really had available, and I was always hit with overdraft fees. It was pretty ridiculous. I feel like I owe my life to the bank officer who suggested that I start using a register back in August. For real.

That wasn't all, though. I was still struggling paycheck to paycheck. In January, I got another job. An additional job. It's a great one—teaching online—so I can work from home, and do it anytime I want to. To start, it increased my income by 50%; starting in April I'll be getting a full workload from them which means that, for as long as I can stand it, I'll be making almost double my salary at my day job. It's going to be a lot of work, for sure, but I'm going to double time it for as long as I can just to really get myself in a good place financially. I am still catching up with old past due bills, but I am almost out of the woods on that. Soon, all the extra money I make can go toward savings. I still owe my mom some money that I will work on paying back (though she said to take my time, so I will take her up on that), and of course the perennial student loans I'll likely be paying off for the rest of my life.

Point is, I've worked hard to get myself out of a bad financial situation. If I can do that, surely I can get myself out of a bad health situation? I know it will take hard work, and time, and sweat, but surely, SURELY I can do that, too.