Ice Cream! Tennis!

It was a nice day today.

I finally got the ice cream I've been wanting – from local favorite Lake Effect Ice Cream. I'd never been to the actual store but really enjoy their pints from the grocery store... and I tried going there on Friday, when I took the day off from work, but it was CLOSED! Boo! But today, I went and C. came with me – even better. I had a two-scoop sundae and it was delicious and I have zero regrets. Why should I have regrets for eating delicious, quality food?

So anyway, that made me very happy. Then, on the way home C. suggested seeing if the nets were up at the courts we usually play – a nearby high school. We decided to go home first and change into our gear and grab the rackets just in case they were. Long story short: Courts were available, we played our first set of the season, and I lost 6–0. What else is new? I don't mind about losing most of the time, because I just enjoy the game and I am still learning a lot.

It was also great because I got 45 minutes of unexpected exercise in. Originally I'd planned to do my cardio PT homework – Walk 4 min/run 1 min x 5. I did it on Thursday on the treadmill, the first time running since... sometime in January! I got through the workout just fine and with no pain in my legs, but I will admit that I was sweating and I was breathing hard. It looks like I have a lot of work to do to get my running endurance back, but I will.

I keep having mixed feelings about running. Once in a while the thought will cross my mind that maybe I don't want to run anymore at all? That I am just done with it? I guess my answer to this is that I still always want to be able to run a mile or two without too much trouble. I like having that level and type of fitness and don't want to lose it. I like being able to run. I guess I really just need to NOT enter races or even try running with other people for a very long time – those are things I now realize make me feel really shitty about my abilities.

For now, I am SO digging strength training and especially weight-lifting, and now we can play tennis whenever (hopefully, at least!), and soon we'll also be hiking and taking walks. And I feel like these are all things (except maybe tennis, LOL) that right now, my body is more suited for. I've got that German/Irish peasant type bod – big arms, lots of weight around the middle, and strong by default. My trainer and I talked a little bit about competition somewhere down the line, maybe a year. Argh, that sounds so cool! I get the same kind of high from weightlifting as I do running, and I don't feel like an elephant trying to balance on a beach ball, you know? It's a much more better feeling to be in my kind of skin doing those sorts of activities. How refreshing!

Well, as I continue to lose weight, presumably running will get easier and I'll stop feeling so conflicted about it.

Oh hey, what about the weight? I'm still hovering in 295, though yesterday I dipped my toe in 294.8! I'm OK with where I am now, having been wrestling between 295 and 297 for the past two weeks. It's like de rigeur now. I will genuinely be shocked and amazed if I ever do get below that in a meaningful way. I am by no means giving up! Sometimes I think you just need to be at peace with something before you can move on to the next thing, does that make sense? I'm still making an effort, as much as ever, but I am trying to be more patient. That's a good thing!

That said, it's still hard to not focus on the numbers. I talk to my trainer about this on occasion (OK, maybe every week), and on Saturday he said to think more about gains in strength, developing better form, etc. instead – and how I am progressing in other ways.

I remembered that I haven't measured my body in a long time, turns out not since January 2016 – and shortly after was when I started gradually gaining weight, hm, coincidence? Or no? It turns out that my measurements have regressed, sadly. By inches! My measurements were close to those I took back on March 29, 2015, and wouldn't you know? I weighed about the same then as I do now. At least I am consistent! One thing I did realize looking at past numbers is that the next 25 pounds will be really wonderful to lose. I had been starting to feel really good about clothes and things at that point – it's kind of amazing how big a difference 25 pounds make, even on a body like mine.

I'm thinking about trying DietBet... more to come soon on that. I still am not sure I can deal.

216

I deadlifted 216 pounds tonight!

Argh. Argh! (And Then Put a Smile On It)

I had such high hopes yesterday for what the scale would show today.

I know the scale is not the only barometer of progress. I know that weighing every day leaves me exposed to the danger of witnessing daily weight fluctuations. I can still bitch, though, right?

Yesterday was a day where I thought I did everything right. I fasted for 21 hours. I was on my feet and working in the kitchen for a good 4-5 hours. When I ate, I counted the cals and I stayed under my 1800 calorie goal for the day. I didn't go crazy at all.

Yet somehow, the scale registered a two pound GAIN this morning.

Oh. My. GAWD. Really?

This is the second time in as many weeks this has happened to me!

So I admit it, I was a little pissy to myself after that, the whole "I'm over it" speech in my head, blah blah blah.

I decided to switch things up a bit and to NOT do intermittent fasting (IF) today. I was hungry this morning, dammit, so I had a Noosa yogurt. Damn, I love those things! Have you ever had a Noosa? It's like heaven in a little plastic (resealable!) container. Anyway. That was good. Then I remembered that I had two Subway cookies still in my desk drawer at work, and I shoved those in my pie hole. (I actually really hate that term, but it seems fitting right now.) Then, to top it all off I had several bites off of a small chocolate rabbit that also sat in the drawer.

Result? I feel totally gross now. But I sure did scratch an itch, I guess. Yuck!

Of course I logged everything and I still plan to stay at goal calories, which means that I'll be eating a late lunch (some of the chickpea curry I made yesterday) and probably very little, if anything, for dinner. I was actually thinking maybe a nice salad, but I don't know.

I guess my convoluted hope was that by eating that junk I would nudge my body into doing something else. Stupid, I know. I never said I was perfect, or even reasonable most of the time.

All this said, I am staying positive and know that this, too, shall pass. I will be in the 280s before I know it! That is something to smile about, right?

No lipstick, some pimples, tired. Smile anyway!

On a Roll

I'm pretty excited. I've been in the 290s for about a week, and today was the second day in a row that I was 295 and change. Despite my best efforts, I haven't cracked below 295, but I bet it will happen in the coming week. Maybe even tomorrow!

I finally got back to the gym on Saturday and had a great workout that was mainly focused on upper body. I tried out a new rack and was able to lift 55 pounds over my head while standing! It felt amazing. Man, the high I get from lifting is astounding.

Today I spent a good portion of the day doing lunch meal prep for the week – for the first time practically ever! It's something that I've talked about for at least many months now, but never cracked down on it. I had some free time along with a bunch of stuff in the fridge and cupboard to work with, so I made a homemade pizza, a chickpea curry, and my favorite – sweet potato/black bean/quinoa burgers (except I used a combo of carrots and white potatoes in place of the sweet potatoes. It worked well!). I plan to have mine topped with avocado, salsa, and sour cream. YUM.

Suffice it to say that I'm really looking forward to the week ahead. I am dying to get myself back under 290...

Small Adjustments to Build Good Habits

One thing that I have been trying to do is log my food intake every day on MyFitnessPal. It was something I did without fail during my most successful time, and when it became less regular, I think my progress suffered. I mean, it wasn't the only reason, but it was probably a key one.

I am happy to say that I have logged in every day for the past 25 days. It feels good to have a little more control and be a little more aware of what I am putting into my body.

Today I am pretty proud of my eating because I really watched portions, and still felt satisfied, AND stayed under my calorie goal (which has been 1800 lately).

Here's what I had:

Lunch: Subway roast beef 12" sub with tons of veggies, pepper jack cheese, and vinegar. A bag of baked BBQ Lays. One (yes, one!) rainbow cookie (basically a cookie with M&Ms baked in).
Total = 1,105 calories

Dinner: Homemade chicken nachos – measured for the first time ever and a much more reasonable portion than I usually make (yay!). 18 tortilla chips, 4 oz. baked, shredded chicken breast, 1/3 cup shredded pepper jack cheese, pickled jalapenos (Mrs. Renfro's brand is the best!), a couple dabs of sour cream, and some fresh salsa (Jack's from Wegmans, yum!). Oh! And topped with a healthy clump of fresh cilantro. For dessert, 32 Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips. Yes, I counted them!
Total = 664 calories

Weight-wise, I got down to 295.6 the other day! Very pleased with that, and hoping to see below 295 soon. Yesterday I had another good eating day (I mostly have one big meal or one bigger and one smaller meal, within the 8 hour eating window I follow doing intermittent fasting), having some of the best chili I've made and eaten along with some delish cornbread-jalapeno cheese muffins, and counting everything. On top of that, I ended up doing two hours' worth of hardcore snow shoveling! Wow, that was exhausting and I wish I had taken photos, and I figured that would net in a good loss this morning.

Alas! It didn't – just the opposite, actually. I gained two pounds! Well, I suppose it was some water retention because the skin of my fingers felt tight this morning. Definitely bloat. I wasn't too upset because I know how daily weighing goes and you have to expect these things to happen sometimes, but I tell you what, I was so excited to get below 295. Another day!

My new obsession with LuLaRoe continues and I have amassed more clothes – some leggings, but more skirts and tops, too. One thing that really is frustrating, though not much different from clothes shopping otherwise, is that the sizing seems really inconsistent in some cases. For instance, I wear TC leggings (Tall and Curvy), but all the pairs I have seem to be slightly different sizes, with one that I can't even get up over my calves! I have several Julia dresses at sizes 2X and 3X that fit like sausage casings, but the Carly dress I have that fits perfectly is an XL. To be fair, it is widely known that Carlys run large, but still. I can wear an Irma shirt and an Azure skirt (A-line) in 2XL, but the one Cassie skirt (straight) I have in a 2XL is also like a sausage casing.

I'm hanging onto everything because I am going to be able to wear them eventually, but I won't lie that it is kind of disappointing to have to wait. Still, I really appreciate the brand and how it has made me feel so different about getting dressed in the morning in the best way.

So, anyway – long story short, right? I've just been feeling so good about things lately. I'm trying to see how long I can make it last!

Now That's What I Call Progress! (Snowstorm Edition)

We got hit by the big snowstorm today! It pretty much never stopped snowing all day, so there's a lot out there. You know what that means, right? Snow shoveling, i.e. awesome exercise. I'm going to head out there shortly.

I'm so pleased that the scale read 296 today. It's such a relief to see the numbers going down again after such a long stagnancy. I feel re-energized and determined to get this done – of course the first big goal to get back to where I left off in November 2014, in the 260s. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep working on getting 10 pounds off at a time, hitting each "decade" with joy. I'm already eyeing the 280s and impatient to get there.

I'm most proud of the fact that I have not given up, even when the going got (gets) tough. Things could have gone much differently – could have been a repeat of the past when I always did give up and then gained back all the weight I lost and then some. I am rewriting the script now.

Progress

Just checking quickly to share a small whooosh I experienced this morning – was very happy to see 297.8 on the scale. I'm anxious to keep the momentum going and I'm feeling confident.

This morning was kind of crappy and I ended up not going to the gym for my training appointment. It was snowy and cold outside, and the mood in the house was not high, let me put it that way. On one hand I guess it would have been nice to get out of the house in those circumstances, but staying just seemed like the right thing to do. Eating was fine today, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing difficult. Sometimes weekends are really easy, like today, while others are more challenging. I'm even expecting my period any hour now and would expect that I'd be insatiable and wanting to eat all the wrong things.

But, this is what a little bit of meaningful progress can do.

I did end up doing about a half an hour's worth of light snow shoveling this evening, so I got some activity in.

I'm already looking forward to getting back to the 280s again! Maybe I can make it happen quickly. We'll see!

Positivity Galore

Today is...

• Feeling good because I was back down to 300 exactly this morning – and my moving average on Happy Scale is now below 300 again, something I haven't seen since early December!

Holding steady! Just get below 300 and stick there already!

• Feeling comfortable and fashionable wearing more LuLaRoe (along with my fav, totally-worn-out black shirt from J. Jill), wishing I could get a good photo but not being able to. Yes, I am probably over wearing my Fluevogs but I just love them SO. MUCH. I feel like they encompass my whole being, everything that makes up who I am, in two little boots. Also, I happened to wear at least one piece of LuLa every day this week. I guess I am turning into one of those people.

I love the big, bold graphic pattern on my leggings!

My first bathroom shot at the new office.

• Feeling excited and proud that I got a really cool part-time job offer! It won't get in the way of my day job, but it's going to be working for a fledgling magazine here in Buffalo. I haven't formally accepted the offer yet, but news flash: I'll pretty much do it no matter what, unless they asked me to work for free, which they won't. I was made the offer right at the end of the interview I had yesterday but details are still pending. Totally good vibes all around – I can't wait to make it official! (By the way, was wearing a LuLaRoe "Carly" dress, must be good luck!)

• Happy that even though this past week or two has been pretty busy and stressful at work, I hung onto my dignity and stayed calm throughout – and got the work done! I want to be a good co-worker and promote positive feelings in our workplace! I'm lucky to have such a nice group of people to work with.

• Looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend with a little weight lifting thrown in for good measure.

(The buproprion must be working wonders on me!)

Oh, Rats!

Yesterday I had the plan to have a "good" eating day, meaning simply that I would stick to mainly healthier foods in reasonable quantities – should really be every day, but as you know, I am hardly perfect! Anyway, it started out great. I had things laid out: A yogurt and apple for breakfast, a Panera Green Goddess salad for lunch (and a cookie). I was going to keep dinner simple and just do a default chicken and roasted veggie kind of thing, but long story short we ended up getting take out for dinner and I had a big old cheeseburger, fries, and some loaded tater tots instead. Ugh. 

It tasted good and if I had planned for it, I could have totally fit it into my day with no problem (though I do admit that the tater tots was really stupid and unnecessary). But that is not what happened, and so almost as soon as I was done eating, I regretted the whole thing. I felt like total shit. Ultimately, it upset me so much that I started crying – so hard that it made my head hurt, even!

I found myself breaking into an open bag of chocolate chips and had one palmful when my partner spotted me and said, "Why don't we put these away now? Maybe you'll just gain one pound instead of five!" I knew he was right, and so I did stop there. It's really nice to have gentle reinforcements around to help out in desperate times, isn't it?

Fast forward to this morning. I got on the scale, and sure enough! Just one pound up from yesterday, 301. And I was totally OK with it, too. I felt relief. Yes, I am mad that I am back up a little bit, but I know that with a couple good days under my belt I will be heading back down again. I'm still in a comfortable place.  In fact, the other day I posted this on Facebook about my experience with weight lifting:

You know what I really like about weight lifting? I realized this tonight: It's a sport that allows me to celebrate and feel good about my body as it is now, and it lets me progress and enjoy and feel really powerful and strong. I really like running a lot, but I always felt like I was having to struggle and work against my physical capabilities. Tonight, I lifted and didn't mind seeing myself in the mirror, and I imagined myself like one of those powerhouse Olympic women lifters, from Bulgaria or something. Tonight, it was a fantastic feeling to not have to wait to lose more weight to feel better about my physical being. It was a real "Aha!" moment! 

That said, I still plan to go back to running, but I want to continue building my strength and losing more weight before I put myself through that again, so that I can run strong and (hopefully) without injury. Stay tuned!

It's a truly amazing feeling, to be OK with my body right now. I have noticed that I walk straighter and with more confidence. I have fun dressing again – I feel like my clothes are really reflecting who I am and what I represent. I am proud that I am big and strong. So yes, I definitely want to become leaner, but in the meantime, I'm appreciating how much my body can do. When I was running regularly, I sometimes felt the same way, but too often I felt reminded of what my body cannot do, and that was beyond frustrating.

But, on another frustrating note, I had an outfit that I'd planned to wear today, which included a skirt that I haven't worn since sometime last year. I never really imagined that I wouldn't be able to wear it, but surprise! It will barely go over my hips and belly now. Ack. I should have figured, I suppose, but I think that I just don't realize how much smaller I had really been with those extra 30 or so pounds off. Fortunately, I had a backup skirt that does fit, but I was really disappointed to not be able to wear the one I wanted.

More reasons why, right?

Keep on keeping on.

Random Thoughts

I feel like it's been a while since I wrote a substantive post, and I have lots of thoughts but maybe thoughts that don't necessarily segue into each other super well. Enter the bulleted list!

• I don't know how or what to eat today. I'm doing Intermittent Fasting (IF), and while I could technically start eating now (or even hours ago, to be honest), but I'm holding out until at least noon so that my window extends to 8pm... but that's not even great because my gym workout tonight goes until 8. Really, it would be best for me to hold off eating until 1pm so that the window ends at 9, but OMG I am really hungry now. Argh.

Possibilities for the what, for a big lunch: Panera Green Goddess salad and a sprouted grain roll, a Noosa yogurt, an apple, maybe something else since I'll have the calories for it. Another possibility is less healthy maybe, but would definitely tide me over and through my workout: a Subway footlong, either a meatball (not-so-good for me) or a roast beef (better for me), with baked chips and maybe a cookie if it fits (and it would, maybe even two). Argh. I'll run some numbers in MyFitnessPal and see what works best.

• I have officially given up running for a while – not permanently, mind you. I've really been enjoying my strength training workouts, especially heavy weight lifting, and I've even been enjoying my PT appointments. I'm really into the idea of getting myself in way better form and with way more of the right kinds of muscle strength for my future foray back to running. This means: Losing at least 20-30 more pounds and maybe even 50 (which is what my trainer has been suggesting), and continuing the workouts I've been doing. Obviously we're talking months before I'd want to step back to it, but I am oddly OK, even excited about it.

I just really got sick of feeling like a failure when I ran. I mean, I always did the best I could, but it always seemed to me that my best still wasn't good enough to keep up with friends and really enjoy the social aspect of it. I also like running solo, of course, but again – it always feels SO HARD and I was getting really frustrated at the lack of progress I was feeling since last summer.

I know that even when I lose more weight, running will still not be easy, but it will be easier in many ways. No doubt I will have the ability to run faster by virtue of the weight, and I will have fully prepared muscle groups. When I go back to running, I want to go back strong and excited for it! Right now, I am excited about taking an official break from it and focusing on other things.

• I got sucked in the world of LuLaRoe. I'm not sure how it happened, because I'd seen posts about it Facebook before, but always ignored them. I guess it was my online friend Emily who finally got me looking more into it and discovering the range of fun leggings they offer – I got one pair, and that was it. I now have, shall we say... several.

Lots of people really hate LLR, which I totally get – there are a number of reasons why you may not like the line, or the way the company operates. But for me, it has really sparked a renewed interest in getting dressed and having fun with it, not to mention feeling really comfortable. (Note: Do NOT wear LLR every day, because you will not realize when other clothes might be getting tighter, LOL!) I don't mind the claiming process or the way things are invoiced. I enjoy hunting for patterns or colors I like that are also in my size. (That's another thing that many people dislike.) I'm also branching out into other pieces of clothing they offer besides leggings. Today I am wearing a lovely A-line skirt (called "Azure" in LuLaLand) with the really-hard-to-find black leggings and I feel so good – it's just really comfy clothes in the fabrics I really like, those kind of slinky synthetics that drape your body? I have a J. Jill shirt like that and I've worn it to death, and despite that I still wear it because it is so freaking comfortable and makes me feel like I look good.

Of course nobody's perfect, so some of the things I don't like about LuLaRoe are that some of the pieces fit me just fine, and others don't. I'm 5'8" and right around 300 and have no problem wearing their "Tall and Curvy" leggings. I have the Azure skirt in a 2XL and feel like I might need and XL soon. But I also have two Julia dresses (a short sleeved, form-fitting, knee-length number) and first tried a 2X – fits me like a sausage casing. I got a 3X next, but it seems to fit about the same as a 2X. But, I am keeping both because I am losing weight and know I'll be able to wear them comfortably not too far down the line.

I want to try other dresses too, but have a feeling that aside from the free-flowing Carly, they'll all be about the same, fit-wise. That said, I'll have something to look forward to, right? Still, LuLa, come on! You can serve the plus size population a little better than that.

As a result, I am totally becoming a skirt and dress girl again, which I love. Here's a crappy photo showing my Azure skirt and elusive black leggings! (Oh, and of course – the Fluevog boots!)

Just showing off the pretty pattern and color! And my Fluevogs...

• I'm still hovering right around 300 – 299.4 yesterday, 300.4 today. I expect I will be firmly into the 290s this week – at least, that is the hope. That is what I am aiming for, like however many days in a row of a 29- number on the scale! I got this. 

Finally!

I finally got myself below 300 today – just. 299.8, and I will take it gladly! Now, to keep it off and take more and more.

Also, I bench pressed for the first time today and I was able to do 80 pounds.

Rock.