A Weird Day

Another late night here! My partner isn’t feeling well and wanted some company while he is up. I’m not working so it’s nice to have the flexibility to oblige. 

It was a weird day overall. I woke up early to water our veggie garden, sat outside for a bit and then went back to bed. I ended up sleeping until noon! I mean, who cares when you aren’t on a schedule, but still. Wow! If I haven’t mentioned it before, I am a champion sleeper. I LOVE sleeping. Today, though, I actually had one item on my calendar: a meeting at 1:30 to discuss a possible freelance design gig! It’s probably one of that last things I thought I’d be doing again, but I got a note on LinkedIn asking if I’d be interested, and because if who it was from, I said YES! More on that if I get the “job”, which I am really excited about working on, so fingers crossed. The meeting went really well and the people I spoke to were really down to earth, good vibes all around I think. It could also lead to more work down the line...

Most of the rest of the day was spent working on finishing up a quilt I am making for my mom. I’ll be giving it to her on Friday and I am so excited about it. It’s the first complete quilt I ever made and it ended up being a really special project for me. The best part is that she has no idea! See, I am the worst gift-giver on earth. I almost never come through with much, if anything. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s just one of my lesser qualities I guess? I’m hoping this quilt will make up for at least some of that, where my mom is concerned anyway. I’m on Instagram with a new quilting account if you want to check it out: @wonkyquilter.

Then, an artist friend came over to pick up a drawing she bought from me, and we ended up chatting for a little while on our front porch and it was really nice. It’s really the first time since COVID struck that I have spent any time with anyone outside my partner and his mom in person! I am fully vaxxed but still just being pretty cautious overall. Friday is going to be gangbusters because I’ll be seeing my aunt and cousins as well for the first time in over a year and we are all vaxxed. That means lots of hugs and smiles! I can’t wait.

The weirdest things about today was that I ended up not eating at all. There are plenty of days when I don’t eat until late afternoon or even early evening, but by that time today I just didn’t really feel like dealing with it. I even cooked for my partner, but I just didn’t want anything. I am hungry, but I’m just going to wait until the real morning to finally eat. 

I’m not worried about it... I’m not starving myself or anything, just... I don’t know what. It won’t be a regular thing. Sometimes, though, it feels good to have a really empty stomach especially when you’re not used to it. There’s probably a lot to dig into there but I’m not going to fuss about it.

Overall I feel good about how things are going in that realm. As I mentioned last time, it’s very slow going but going. I don’t even feel like I am actively doing anything, and I am kind of not except being mindful of what I put in my mouth. No calorie counting, nothing. I’m making it sound really easy but like most things that sound easy it’s not really else I’d have been doing this all along. I think what it comes down to is getting into the right mindset, and honestly I feel lucky whenever I hit on it because it doesn’t feel like something I can self-induce. I’ve experienced and described this before as being like flicking on a wall switch. All the sudden, the light is on. I don’t take credit for it.

That’s it for now. I’m hoping to head back to bed sooner than later...

The More Things Change

 It’s been a little while, my apologies if you’ve been waiting patiently to see what happens next! Believe me, I am there with you. Right now I’m sitting here on the couch and typing on my iPad, which I bought last year to use to start drawing on a regular basis. Instead, I ended up reading more which isn’t so bad but definitely not my original intention.

Anyway, I’m still plugging along! But I also have news: I got laid off about a week after I last posted here. So I’ve had plenty of free time and have been thinking a lot about where to go next. I was really sad about it initially but now I am seeing that this might have been a good thing, maybe? I try to stay positive. 

I started painting again, for one thing! For another I realized it’s really ok that I enjoy and I’m good at administrative work. I enjoy helping people and being a good support system. I’m not sure I have more lofty ambitions for a formal career than that. Also, the last time I tried the whole being an artist thing I probably did it half-assed and still had good success. So maybe if I go all-in this time, I could actually make most if not all of my living from it? Hopefully I can use this “free” time to just do ittttt allllllreaddddy. It feels good to have that freedom right now. I’m trying to get a groove going with my painting but it’s taking some time.

Also I have become fully addicted to quilting. Hand-piecing and hand-quilting. It takes extraordinary amounts of time but I really really love embracing the traditional ways of doing this craft. I like that I can sit on the couch and make something lovely and useful. I had to take a break today from it because my hands and arms and shoulders were hurting from my first session of hand-quilting yesterday. First time ever!! I think I have an affinity for it.

Finally, the news you’ve been waiting for: am I still working on my food stuff? The answer is: YES. I’m losing about a pound a week give or take and not obsessing over anything. I’m just trying to eat when I am hungry and I guess I have been kind of intermittent fasting but not officially. I also eat what I want but try not to eat too much junk. It’s just the way I like to eat. I decided not to stop drinking soda but have also upped my water game because it really tastes SO GOOD, you know? Sometimes only water will do. But I also need some sweet fizz in my life, and yes I have tried seltzer water which I also like but IT IS NOT THE SAME SO DON’T EVEN TRY TO LAY THAT ON ME.

On the downside I have been feeling like total crap, more than I ever have in my life if I am honest. The big worst thing about getting laid off when I did was that my health insurance just kicked in on May 1 and it was the good kind — like, literally platinum, baby! I was really looking forward to using it. So that is out the window and I’m just not going to bother seeing a doctor without it unless I am on my deathbed, and even so,

...?

My whole body is in pain all the time. Everything down to my fingers. Some days are better than others, but lately there haven’t really been any good days. It really, really sucks and it’s really disheartening. Exercise has not been happening except for helping to get the vegetable garden up and running and I will probably work through the pain and work on other parts of the yard I’d like to make look nice again. I just... I don’t know. It’s hard. 

So that’s where I am at. Oh, and I cut bangs! Huge.

Tell me what’s up with you! I’d love to hear.

Menopause and Me

 It's 1am and I am up after a few hours' sleep and a bad dream, waking up covered in sweat. 

Thoughts raced through my head about a school assignment that is due today (or tomorrow, however you want to look at it) that I didn't complete. That I didn't even start. That's for a class that is important to me – it's being guest taught by a former editor-in-chief of National Geographic and esteemed photojournalist, and obviously this is a person from whom I have a lot to learn from, and who has been so great so far. I can't even get my shit together for that. Also, I didn't get any financial aid this quarter and I think I have hit my limit, which means that I can't continue school anymore, probably not for a long while and that kind of makes me sad too.

I ended up talking to my partner, who was still up, and crying uncontrollably for a few minutes. I didn't feel good in any way. Not physically or mentally or emotionally. I'm so grateful for him in times like these. He suggested, "Menopause, right? Because this is not like you." And yes, oh yeah. I always forget that I am in it. Brain fog, loss of focus, pain all over my body. Feelings of hopelessness, etc. I looked it up: Menopause symptoms. What a joke! They still don't really shit about it. Here, check what the NIH has to say. Basically, they don't know. Maddening.

So here I am writing this instead of the paper I should be working on for tomorrow. It felt needed. 

How are things going, you ask? (Maybe you ask. I could be wrong about that.) Things are... going. I have... an awareness. I haven't logged food every day but wager a guess that I am probably eating within my target zone in general. I haven't started walking or yoga yet. I have been weaning myself off of regular soda, though. Onto fruit juices/drinks, onto sparkling water. Onto plain old water, which I love but I also love soda so it's not super easy. I'm trying to decide if it's the fizz I love so much or the sugar. Probably both. Anyway, I need a break from soda regardless so it's not forever, it's not a big deal.

I think I will get on the scale once or twice a week. I'm down a couple pounds today and will look again on Thursday. Not even making a huge effort gets some results.

I don't know, man. I just want to stop feeling so bad all the time.

Day One-ish

 I guess technically today is Day One, ground zero. Right away, though, I totally forgot to step on the scale (just for reference, not for judgement) before breakfast. So I will do that tomorrow for sure. 

However, I took all my vitamins! This includes for now a one-a-day and some vitamin D, along with a couple supplements that my mother-in-law swears by for her hair and nails (pumpkin seed something and biotin, I think?). Day one, vitamins! That is an achievement.

I restarted my MyFitnessPal tracker to have a place to put my food. Right now I am just jotting down what I ate in general to see where I'm at, aiming to stick around 2500 calories or fewer. Of course I will continue to adjust these various data as I go. 

I haven't yet started walking. If I can squeeze in a bit between raindrops today I will. I will do at least one sun salutation.

It's a start.

I had some juice/juice-type drink with breakfast but drinking some water now. It tastes good! I have a few cans of soda left that I will drink in the coming days, but after that I won't be buying it for a while. 

Positive vibes. Moving forward.

I Never Thought I'd See the Day

It's been a minute, as they say!

But I think I am back.

This time I am recycling some very old content, when I restarted back in 2014. I needed some guidance/inspo to get take steps again to take better of myself. I know it's not rocket science, but you know. It's not always easy to do the obvious stuff.

So anyway... I'm a less than a couple months away from 51 now, and I have been feeling it! Weight-wise I'm back in the 340s (will weigh in officially tomorrow), but since I last logged in I've also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which has not been fun. The combo of that and the pandemic has made me into someone who finds it painful to walk down the driveway again. I sit around a LOT these days. 

There is so much to say! For now I'm just going to set my goals and intentions, and I'll be back to catch up more very soon. I still want to be the old lady who is out there climbing mountains...

From May 24th, 2014:

What I am doing and what I am not doing.

If you are reading this, thank you. If you are a friend or family member, especially if you see me in person, here are some things you should know as a supportive person.

• I am not on a diet. I am not restricting myself in the way that most people would think; however I am trying to align my eating habits based on information that is out there about our food supply, and on stuff that is common sense. I want to eat FOOD.

• I don't want to eat artificial stuff. I don't want to eat gross chemicals. I don't want artificially no-fat, low-fat, Aspartamed crap. I'm going to eat butter and sugar, but I am also going to eat whole grain as much as I can, and I'm going to try to eat whole foods period as much as I can (no, not the store). I'll be eating a lot of fruits and veggies, but am I going to stop eating pizza or cake? No.

• I'm reading the labels a lot more these days, but not just for calories and fat content.

• I am hoping to avoid having to take medications for things like high blood pressure and dia-beet-us. I want to stop feeling tired all the time.

• I will be checking in with my doctor on a more regular basis, and I will take his advice. (I have healthy insurance again after going without for a year!)

• I will continue to take my vitamins every day.

• I will drink lots and lots of water every day (and stop drinking soda most of the time).

• I will continue going to the gym regularly and build strength and endurance.

• I will continue working on being happy and being a good person.

• If I mess up, I will pick myself up and try again, and never stop trying.

Goals:

Weight
1. Reach 325 (random but whatever) 
2. Reach 300
3. Get below 300 in a sustained way
4. 250
5. 200
6 ???

I'm not interested in getting skinny, per se. I'm interested in feeling comfortable physically and being able to do anything I want to. The last time I was at 250, I felt that way. So we'll see how it goes.

Fitness
1. Walk for 20 minutes 
1a. Walk every day
2. Walk a 20-minute mile
3. Walk 2 miles comfortably
4. Walk 3.1 miles (5k) comfortably
5. Start Couch to 5K again, or a variation

... plus yoga!

I want to do ALL the things.

It's nice to be back.

How are you????