Lately I've been using the power of mantras to help me get back on track with my health goals.
(Let me clarify here: Health goals. Yes, that includes losing weight, but is not the be all to end all. I realize this more and more as I go along. My main impetus for my efforts is to feel good and be mobile for as long as possible. Losing weight, for me, really helps with that.)
Ahem, anyway. Mantras. I've been meditating at least once a day, every day since October 20th (minus three days) and I've done a plethora of guided meditations as well as self-directed ones. The guided meditations can be especially nice because they help me realize some new things about myself, and/or help to make important things clearer. Some guided sessions remind me to practice self-compassion, for example. I can always do for a reminder of that, what about you?
I'm doing this because the alternative is not acceptable.
It will not always be like this.
I'm doing this because I want to be strong and live to my fullest potential.
These are examples of some of the things I've been repeating to myself a lot lately, and I have found that it is actually helpful! Having reminders like these floating around in my head all the time is important. It's easy for me to lose focus at random times and being able to take a pause and ask myself whether something I am about to do (like eat something when I don't need it) or not do (like skipping my daily walk) is in my best interest. I've been feeling insanely focused. Well, OK, maybe not insanely, because this doesn't feel, how do I say? Manic, maybe? It's making me feel strong.
It also feels totally doable again.
The thing is, things aren't happening fast on the scale. On December 9th, I weighed in at 327.0, my highest weight in over three years. My lowest weight since then, 322.0, happened within a week of that, BUT I've been playing around between there and 325. I'll admit, it's been a bit frustrating because I know I am doing everything right and I'd have thought that I'd be losing a bit faster. Then, I thought back to when I started this journey back in 2014 and how it took me about a month to really have things kick in. The important thing is that I finally did NOT give up back then, and that I CANNOT give up now. I have to give it time. It'll happen as long as I do the work. I know that.
It's kind of comforting, if you really want to know.
Also? Just those three or four pounds I've lost make me feel better. Maybe it's just mental, but it's true! Of course, it could be that I am moving my body around again most days of the week, even just a little, and that I've been eating higher quality foods and in better proportions (for the most part).
I guess what I am trying to say is just that I feel so much better, and it took relatively little effort – just a few adjustments to my lifestyle.
I am so excited about what I can make happen in the coming year.
What are your plans? I'd love to hear!
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Monday, December 25, 2017
Merry Christmas!
Christmas has come and almost gone already! It's almost 9pm and the day went by quickly – a day does that when it's an especially lazy one, don't you think? We did our celebrating with a nice dinner and all the trimmings yesterday, so today I was able to totally relax and loaf around on the couch watching movies and reading with my honey, playing with the cats, eating leftovers, and taking a heavenly four-hour nap. The perfect day to have, once in a while at least.
Tomorrow it's back to the office! Ho hum. The good thing about that is that it'll probably be very quiet with many people taking time off. That said I have some things that I want to get tied up by Friday, because then I am taking the longest bit of time off I've done in a long, long time – eleven days, to be exact! I cannot wait. It's been kind of an up and down year for me, and I usually just take off an extra day off attached to a long weekend, or just randomly, so this will be a real treat. We don't have any plans to go anywhere or doing anything special, but that is fine with me. I guess I have turned out more like my mom in that regard, in that I'd usually rather have a stay-cation. In some ways doing it in the dead of winter seems kind of nice, too, because it is the time when you feel like snuggling into house and home like a hibernating bear seems like just the thing to do. After all, among our favorite things to do are watch movies and read books together.
So yes. I am very much looking forward to that!
I've more or less been between 322 and 325 the past two weeks – yesterday 322 at my recent lowest, but then gained three pounds today. I didn't even super indulge yesterday on our meal; I had one plate of food and a bowl of ice cream for dessert, and aside from a banana in the morning and about a glass and a half of wine, that is all I ate yesterday, not to mention slaved away in the kitchen. I didn't expect that much a gain, if any, but my partner reminded me that anytime we eat the stuffing I make on the holiday it makes both of us gain, true enough. Whatever, considering how I have been eating lately, I am not worried about it. I had:
A couple slices of ham, a few small pieces of turkey; a baked sweet potato with maple syrup and marshmallows; sausage stuffing; homemade cranberry sauce with orange and ginger; and of course, my delicious homemade cheese braid bread. Later, we split a tiny little cheesecake (literally – it was like three inches across) that my mom sent home with me the other night when I was visiting her.
Today I snacked on some cheese and crackers, and had a plate of leftovers. No wine, only water, and water for the rest of the day. I'm thirsty!
I guess, actually, that I haven't really checked in since the switch turned back on, that is, that I started eating better and more reasonably, and started walking regularly again – for now I'm going for at least three days a week for at least ten minutes, but have been doing five times the last two weeks, usually twenty minutes or more. There's a lovely little cemetery down the road from the office that's about a quarter mile away, so I've been going there and walking around a bit and ending up with a mile or a mile and a half. It's getting easier again. I'm thankful I can still do it. Even that little bit seems to be making a big difference in how I feel. I still have it in me to do this!
My mantra has been It won't always be like this. I'm hoping to be under 320 by the new year, and to stay there! While I am still very disappointed in myself that I let this much weight pile back on, I'm trying to look at in a positive way – it was a real slap in the face, I guess, to know that it can and will come back if you do not remain diligent. It's just a fact. And now I really and fully understand that, and caught myself soon enough so that I can double back and get to fixing it. I will never take that weight loss for granted again. Ever.
Therefore one of my main goals for 2018 is to continue in the right direction. I maybe won't set a specific goal right now, except that I should keep the number on the scale heading down or at the minimum maintaining in general. I've been weighing myself every day again as a source of data and to keep a close eye on what's going on – using the Happy Scale app, of course, to record it.
One thing that has been helping a lot is bringing food from home into work for lunch, and it's good for my eating and for my wallet, and takes away the guessing about what I want to eat and making not such a great choice when I am starting to get really hungry. Lunches have been things like soups, or a makeshift burrito bowl-type thing with black beans, cheese, salsa, sour cream, maybe a tortilla or tortilla chips. Tomorrow I'm planning on a nice ham sandwich on whole wheat bread and some fresh veggies on the side. Fruits have been my desserts for the most part, but I'll have a nibble of chocolate or whatever here and there. As usual, nothing is off-limits, but I'm trying to make better decisions and not eat so mindlessly.
I haven't been counting calories, but rather eating intuitively and listing what I eat each day in my own files. That gives me the chance to make better considerations and to have a general awareness of what I have eaten and maybe what I need more of or less of. I don't really know how to explain it, but it feels comfortable and I have been feeling not so bogged down like I was there for a while, eating such heavy lunches and snacking all the time at my desk. That was a very bad habit that I had developed indeed!
It is my hope that 2018 will be filled with happiness, new achievements and opportunities, and continued good health! I'll be outlining some specific things in a coming post. In the meantime, I wish you a very happy Christmas and will talk with you again around the new year!
Thanks, as always, for reading.
Tomorrow it's back to the office! Ho hum. The good thing about that is that it'll probably be very quiet with many people taking time off. That said I have some things that I want to get tied up by Friday, because then I am taking the longest bit of time off I've done in a long, long time – eleven days, to be exact! I cannot wait. It's been kind of an up and down year for me, and I usually just take off an extra day off attached to a long weekend, or just randomly, so this will be a real treat. We don't have any plans to go anywhere or doing anything special, but that is fine with me. I guess I have turned out more like my mom in that regard, in that I'd usually rather have a stay-cation. In some ways doing it in the dead of winter seems kind of nice, too, because it is the time when you feel like snuggling into house and home like a hibernating bear seems like just the thing to do. After all, among our favorite things to do are watch movies and read books together.
So yes. I am very much looking forward to that!
I've more or less been between 322 and 325 the past two weeks – yesterday 322 at my recent lowest, but then gained three pounds today. I didn't even super indulge yesterday on our meal; I had one plate of food and a bowl of ice cream for dessert, and aside from a banana in the morning and about a glass and a half of wine, that is all I ate yesterday, not to mention slaved away in the kitchen. I didn't expect that much a gain, if any, but my partner reminded me that anytime we eat the stuffing I make on the holiday it makes both of us gain, true enough. Whatever, considering how I have been eating lately, I am not worried about it. I had:
A couple slices of ham, a few small pieces of turkey; a baked sweet potato with maple syrup and marshmallows; sausage stuffing; homemade cranberry sauce with orange and ginger; and of course, my delicious homemade cheese braid bread. Later, we split a tiny little cheesecake (literally – it was like three inches across) that my mom sent home with me the other night when I was visiting her.
Today I snacked on some cheese and crackers, and had a plate of leftovers. No wine, only water, and water for the rest of the day. I'm thirsty!
I guess, actually, that I haven't really checked in since the switch turned back on, that is, that I started eating better and more reasonably, and started walking regularly again – for now I'm going for at least three days a week for at least ten minutes, but have been doing five times the last two weeks, usually twenty minutes or more. There's a lovely little cemetery down the road from the office that's about a quarter mile away, so I've been going there and walking around a bit and ending up with a mile or a mile and a half. It's getting easier again. I'm thankful I can still do it. Even that little bit seems to be making a big difference in how I feel. I still have it in me to do this!
My mantra has been It won't always be like this. I'm hoping to be under 320 by the new year, and to stay there! While I am still very disappointed in myself that I let this much weight pile back on, I'm trying to look at in a positive way – it was a real slap in the face, I guess, to know that it can and will come back if you do not remain diligent. It's just a fact. And now I really and fully understand that, and caught myself soon enough so that I can double back and get to fixing it. I will never take that weight loss for granted again. Ever.
Therefore one of my main goals for 2018 is to continue in the right direction. I maybe won't set a specific goal right now, except that I should keep the number on the scale heading down or at the minimum maintaining in general. I've been weighing myself every day again as a source of data and to keep a close eye on what's going on – using the Happy Scale app, of course, to record it.
One thing that has been helping a lot is bringing food from home into work for lunch, and it's good for my eating and for my wallet, and takes away the guessing about what I want to eat and making not such a great choice when I am starting to get really hungry. Lunches have been things like soups, or a makeshift burrito bowl-type thing with black beans, cheese, salsa, sour cream, maybe a tortilla or tortilla chips. Tomorrow I'm planning on a nice ham sandwich on whole wheat bread and some fresh veggies on the side. Fruits have been my desserts for the most part, but I'll have a nibble of chocolate or whatever here and there. As usual, nothing is off-limits, but I'm trying to make better decisions and not eat so mindlessly.
I haven't been counting calories, but rather eating intuitively and listing what I eat each day in my own files. That gives me the chance to make better considerations and to have a general awareness of what I have eaten and maybe what I need more of or less of. I don't really know how to explain it, but it feels comfortable and I have been feeling not so bogged down like I was there for a while, eating such heavy lunches and snacking all the time at my desk. That was a very bad habit that I had developed indeed!
It is my hope that 2018 will be filled with happiness, new achievements and opportunities, and continued good health! I'll be outlining some specific things in a coming post. In the meantime, I wish you a very happy Christmas and will talk with you again around the new year!
Thanks, as always, for reading.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
How to Get Your Mojo Back
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| Since I have been bad about posting photos lately here is me being happy. |
I am very happy to announce that it happened. I got my mojo back, finally! I'm pretty sure, at least.
Unfortunately, I can't really explain how it happened. It's a total mind thing, though, and my mind was just NOT having it the past few months. Maybe all this self-talk finally did some good and my switch got switched back on. I just wish I knew how to fully control it!
The past ten days since I last wrote have been good. An adjustment period. Last weekend I felt like I was testing the waters a bit and trying to see how I could rein things in even just a little. Saturday was the day when I made a really conscious effort to watch the overall volume of what I ate. I ended up eating one large meal (homemade pizza) and drank a bottle of wine. I know it sounds like a lot, but for me at this point, it was a good step forward. Another thing that happened on Saturday was that I thoroughly cleaned the refrigerator, which needed it. Really needed it. I threw out all kinds of things that had gone bad and/or expired, and that amounted to... well, let me just say a LOT. I washed the shelves and got everything in order.
It was wonderful. You can't imagine how wonderful. It also took a bit of time and physical effort, so I considered that my "activity" for the day. I was very pleased with myself and loved the resulting state of the fridge. A thing of beauty.
On Sunday, I slept in. A LOT. As in, I woke up at 1:15pm.
It felt marvelous.
I got up, got myself tidied up, and went to the store to buy things to make a homemade beef curry and naan for dinner/supper/lunch. It was another one meal kind of day, a hearty bowl of curry (which was fantastic, by the way) and basmati rice, and a couple small pieces of naan (which were OK, but still didn't really taste like real naan to me).
We watched movies, and I took a nice, hot, long bath in between The Missing and All the President's Men. Both films are recommended, by the way. If you didn't know, the former is based on a true story about an American couple living in Chile during the coup in the early-mid 70s. Sissy Spacek is in it and it's riveting. Of course, the latter is all about the journalistic investigation of Watergate by the Woodward and Bernstein, two Washington Post reporters. They make a nice double feature, actually!
I think it was during my bath that I started thinking more definitively about how I wanted to proceed during the week as far as eating and exercise went. (Baths are great for that!) I also wanted to try to save some from money by not getting take-out lunches every day like I have been lately. It would be nice to not worry about what I was going to eat and then gorge myself on a huge meal like I often do. I realized lately that the big crash I have at around 3pm is probably exacerbated by those excessive lunches.
So that was a big thing. I knew it would solve a lot of my problem, to be honest. Another thing I had been doing was getting "treats" to keep at my desk at work. It used to be gummi bears, but I got totally addicted to them and made a conscious effort to avoid them because it got so crazy. It became the first thing I started tracking as a new habit on the HabitBull app: No gummi bears! So far it's been 55 days and my initial goal was 66, which would put me at Christmas. I might treat myself to some chocolate-covered ones because I haven't had them in forever and they are crazy delicious. Anyway, so the gummi bears have been banned at least a while longer, as well as... oh, I don't know... Hostess or Little Debbie cakes? Chocolate bars? Etc etc. So no more of that stuff in my desk drawers. That is honestly half my battle, and if it is not there, it's not even an effort.
I also resolved to go on at least a 10 minute walk at least four times a week. I know it's not much, but I wanted to pick something that would be impossible NOT to do so that I could least develop the habit again. And the two times I have gone on a walk this week have both been 20 minute walks! I'm actually aiming for a mile generally, but hey! If I just want to do 10 minutes, then that is good, too.
So far, the result is that I have indeed lost a few pounds. I topped out at 328 on Friday, I think it was, and yesterday I was down to 323. Today was 324, which is fine. I had a great eating day yesterday so I am sure it is some sort of water retention thing or whatever. I also have the period from hell right now, so it will be interesting to see how I do once that is over. Peri menopause is great when you don't get your period for like six months, but then when you do get it, it lasts for almost two weeks and you bleed like a stuck pig – at least that has been my experience. It sucks, man.
Ahem. So, yeah. I'm pretty happy about what's going on. It's a great feeling to be able to share with you some positive stuff rather than the whining that has ensued the past few entries. It's a huge relief, to be honest.
Finally, in other news, our beloved cat Nico passed away on November 4th. It was absolutely heart-wrenching and her death left a huge void in our hearts and in our home. It was literally the first time in my life that I didn't have a cat to pet and snuggle. We did still have one cat, Henrietta, but she is nearly feral and we can't get within five feet of her. It's like having a little ghost around.
As a result, I was combing shelter listings for cats. I just couldn't handle a nearly catless home. Long story short, by the end of November we had adopted two cats – one the week after Nico's passing and one about two weeks after that. They are very intentionally both long-haired grey cats, like Nico was. They are the best cats! In fact, the other night when I was having some drinks I told my partner that I only ever wanted to get long-haired grey cats from now on. Not that we'll be getting any more anytime soon, just that that is what I would want going forward. They are stupendously sweet and beautiful and smart cats.
I'll leave you with cat photos.
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| Nico! RIP, sweet kitty. |
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| Sami! He is a boy kitty and a total teenaged moose. |
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| Me and Mia, the day I adopted her. She is also a teenager but more like a squirrel to Sami's moose. |
Monday, December 4, 2017
How to Gain 45 Pounds in Six Months
That's not exactly the kind of headline you'd think people would want to see, right? But that is pretty much what has been going on over here. Basically, I am NOT getting back on track and I am continuing to gain weight.
No, I am not happy about this. I don't mean to seem like I am bragging.
I've been racking my brain almost constantly to figure out how this happened and how I can make it stop. I mean, technically I know the answer to that second question. But for some reason, I just haven't been able to do the things I need to do – regular exercise, eating better and less (I have been the overeating, junk food queen these days).
I'm not even sure what to say here anymore, except that I don't want to let blogging go entirely because that will mean that I have given it all up entirely. At least, that is what it's amounted to in the past. I could write about the same struggle and crappy feelings, but who wants to read serial whining? I guess it doesn't really matter in the end – this is my little space in which I can do whatever I want, and if I need a place to vent about this stuff, then I shouldn't feel bad about it. And it's useful to the extent that it will help me dump my bad feelings and maybe just jiggle something loose again.
So let me tell you: This morning I braved the scale, and it read 327.
I know, right? How did that happen??? Well, for one thing, I gained almost 20 pounds alone in August. Things crept gradually after that, and I kept excusing it or saying things like, "Well, I won't let myself get over 310," or whatever, and then I'd get to 311 and up the limit for myself again. I'm really not sure why I kept doing that, and since then, each month I've added another 7 or 8 pounds. (I just updated my data page, by the way, so you can see the progression.) Basically, I haven't weighed this much in over three years!
The question is, will I find myself at the end of December into the 330s, or will I find myself back below 320? Either is entirely possible – it's kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, right? I much prefer to choose the path to the latter option, of course.
The thing I really hate about gaining this much weight back is that it all seems to land in my stomach. And when you carry weight around your middle, not only is it bad for your health, it's also very uncomfortable and gets in the way of a lot of things. It makes many activities that much more an effort. I'm finding myself winded again doing relatively mild exertions that had become like nothing. Putting on shoes and boots is getting to be more challenging (though not impossible quite yet). I feel bloated and gross, and a lot of my clothes are not wearable anymore or becoming less comfortable.
This is bad, very very bad indeed. I swore that if I was ever buying new clothes, it would not be because I grew out of the ones I had. This is starting to be a possibility and I just cannot do that to myself.
I don't really know how I am going to move forward, to be honest. But, I do know that I have to be especially vigilant from here on out, and at least weigh in every single day – one thing I have been avoiding. Like, if I don't see the number, I don't have to deal with it, right?
Right. Pfft.
I will check in again soon. Thanks for reading, those of you who are!
No, I am not happy about this. I don't mean to seem like I am bragging.
I've been racking my brain almost constantly to figure out how this happened and how I can make it stop. I mean, technically I know the answer to that second question. But for some reason, I just haven't been able to do the things I need to do – regular exercise, eating better and less (I have been the overeating, junk food queen these days).
I'm not even sure what to say here anymore, except that I don't want to let blogging go entirely because that will mean that I have given it all up entirely. At least, that is what it's amounted to in the past. I could write about the same struggle and crappy feelings, but who wants to read serial whining? I guess it doesn't really matter in the end – this is my little space in which I can do whatever I want, and if I need a place to vent about this stuff, then I shouldn't feel bad about it. And it's useful to the extent that it will help me dump my bad feelings and maybe just jiggle something loose again.
So let me tell you: This morning I braved the scale, and it read 327.
I know, right? How did that happen??? Well, for one thing, I gained almost 20 pounds alone in August. Things crept gradually after that, and I kept excusing it or saying things like, "Well, I won't let myself get over 310," or whatever, and then I'd get to 311 and up the limit for myself again. I'm really not sure why I kept doing that, and since then, each month I've added another 7 or 8 pounds. (I just updated my data page, by the way, so you can see the progression.) Basically, I haven't weighed this much in over three years!
The question is, will I find myself at the end of December into the 330s, or will I find myself back below 320? Either is entirely possible – it's kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, right? I much prefer to choose the path to the latter option, of course.
The thing I really hate about gaining this much weight back is that it all seems to land in my stomach. And when you carry weight around your middle, not only is it bad for your health, it's also very uncomfortable and gets in the way of a lot of things. It makes many activities that much more an effort. I'm finding myself winded again doing relatively mild exertions that had become like nothing. Putting on shoes and boots is getting to be more challenging (though not impossible quite yet). I feel bloated and gross, and a lot of my clothes are not wearable anymore or becoming less comfortable.
This is bad, very very bad indeed. I swore that if I was ever buying new clothes, it would not be because I grew out of the ones I had. This is starting to be a possibility and I just cannot do that to myself.
I don't really know how I am going to move forward, to be honest. But, I do know that I have to be especially vigilant from here on out, and at least weigh in every single day – one thing I have been avoiding. Like, if I don't see the number, I don't have to deal with it, right?
Right. Pfft.
I will check in again soon. Thanks for reading, those of you who are!
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