NOTE: I started writing this post on 11/9, this past Friday.
I'm feeling kid of blah today when I should be celebrating! It's FRIDAY! Woo!
It snowed today for the first time of the season. It was pretty!
But I don't know, I just feel kind of down and blah and tired and...
I guess the main reason the wind is out of my sails is because I'm feeling self-conscious. I actually spoke up today at work about some concerns I had about being heard and feeling part of the team. It felt... very awkward even though I got good feedback from my boss and from my co-worker. It's a slightly weird situation in which I've come in to a small team of two women who have both worked for the company close to 30 years doing the same job. Things are changing and moving along and they are too, but as the new person who's only been around for six months, it's an interesting dynamic. I won't bore you with details and I can assure anyone that I do like my co-workers and I am very happy at my job. I realized during the convo, and said, that I think part of it for me is that working for this company makes me so ambitious! I want to do stuff, I want to contribute, I want to get shit done, you know?
But I have to be patient with how things are now and the fact that I am still the new person in our little office. My boss has told me this before, too. I know she is supportive and sympathetic.
One thing that my one co-worker who was part of the discussion (the other one was out today) was that while I feel like I am not being heard, she feels like I have to disagree with everything they say. (So, to be more clear, we're talking about formatting/designing documents. I have a professional and educated background in graphic design, while no one else in my area does -- though my two co-workers have been doing this for decades.) Hey, I don't dispute what she is saying, because I do often find myself disagreeing and saying so when it seems appropriate, which is... often.
I need to learn to step back a bit and take things in before I try to really inject what I feel I have to offer, I think. I guess I am not used to doing that! It feels uncomfortable. Part of me feels sorry that I did speak up, but part of me is relieved. Growing pains, I guess. It was nice to have that conversation in the open and with my boss present so that she knows what the concerns are about all around, not just me and not just them.
So there was that, but also remember how I mentioned emailing my favorite parfumier about collaborating artistically somehow? I did get a nice response from someone at the company saying that they are actually rethinking their marketing and that she'll pass along my info and links to that team to see if there is a potential fit. Hey, it's better than just a flat-out no. I still doubt anything will come of that inquiry but you honestly just never know.
Speaking out can be scary! But it can also be really good for you.
I feel like I am still getting my sea legs at work. I mean, I feel very comfortable doing the work I am doing, and I like the people I'm working with in general (although it really bothers me when someone says that they don't like cats -- I have a hard time getting around that), but I am still having trouble fitting in and I'm trying to figure out why.