That said, I still love to make a list at the end of the year of things that I would like to accomplish. I'm a list-lover in general, especially to-do lists! And I like the idea of challenging myself and seeing how far I can get with a new idea or something I've always wanted to do, or something that I've tried in the past but never quite achieved. Try, try again, right?
So I won't call these resolutions but rather just... intentions. Goals too, yes. Stuff I'd like to do. Stuff that the person I really want to be would get done. I
+ Read 36 books. In 2018 I set a rather lofty goal of 48 books for the Goodreads challenge. There are still a few days left in the year, but I'm not going to meet that. I'll probably end up with 34, which is still pretty good! I want to set a goal that I will meet this year, so 36 seems infinitely doable in comparison to how things went this year. I did have a couple reading dry spells so honestly 48 should not have been out of the question, but at three books a month, 36 sounds like a good compromise. I read all kinds of books -- novels, history, memoir, short story collections, how-tos (like crafty stuff), graphic novels -- of all different sizes, from the very long and lofty to the easy breezy.
+ Health and Fitness. As you probably know, I've stopped focusing on my weight and weight loss efforts in this blog, however because it's part of my life it will pop up now and again. Today seems like a good day for an update on that front.
I've been fretting about my weight mainly because of how uncomfortable I've become in the past year. Last I was talking about it I was hovering in the 330s after having lost a bit doing an experimental bout of Whole30 back in September. Since October or so, I stopped any sort of weight loss efforts or food logging or weighing or anything. I needed a mental break from all that crap. I hate diet talk and was feeling really hypocritical; plus I was just sick of thinking about it all the time (even though all that aside I still think about it all time, ugh). This morning I decided to hop on the scale for a reading, but left my socks on and already had the day's jewelry on (LOL! Yes, I really think these things matter). I was thinking that I was close to 350 based on how I feel, but was pleased (pleased!) to see that I clocked in just at 340.
This means two things: One, I am still at the lost over 30 pounds thing (I started at 372 back in late 2014) to count for the National Weight Loss Registry, and two that things are not quite as bad as I thought and that I am not beyond saving. I know. That last statement sounded weird, but honestly? I've been feeling beyond saving at this point. I've been feeling that bad. If I lost 20 pounds right now I assume that it would make me feel a lot better, knowing how I felt the last time I was in that ballpark. It is so doable it's ridiculous.
I also see myself (and my partner) getting back into being more active people, going for hikes regularly and playing tennis a few times a week in the good weather. But it will be really hard to do that if I don't lose a few pounds. It's seriously fucking me up.
Can I just say here? I love all those ladies who are in the social media spotlight being fat -- even really fat -- and living the good life. I love them because they are unapologetic for their size and because they dress up, they doll up, and they put themselves out there in a very vulnerable position. But, I ask myself a lot: Are they really physically comfortable? Do they have a ton of aches and pains like I do? Don't they get frustrated dealing with so much flesh sometimes? They make being fat look really easy, and I can tell you: It's really, totally, so NOT.
And that is why I still would like to lose weight even though it pains me to say it. Because it will continue to pain me if I don't. At least, that is the assumption. I guess we'll see once I get there, but honestly? It is a fair assumption.
My goodness! I didn't expect to be writing this much on this topic again, but there it is. So in 2019, I want to reclaim myself in wellness, and for me that means losing some weight whether anyone likes it or not. I don't have a specific goal, although just getting back under 300 is something that is doable and where I did feel comfortable, so...
+ Education. I am still trying to make it happen in January, but if nothing else I'll be heading back to school in August for Environmental Studies at my local community college. The spring semester starts on January 14th, so hopefully I can get all my ducks in a row in time for that. In the meantime, I've been studying stuff like algebra and trigonometry on my own -- I know that I am going to need advanced math at some point and I want to be sure that I'll be able to keep up! This is totally taking myself out of my comfort zone, but will be totally worth it. I have always labeled myself as someone who is "bad at math," and I am ready to prove that wrong.
+ Art. I need to settle on a studio space. I thought I would abandon my basement room for the first floor spare bedroom, but that room still has so much other stuff in it, I can't get settled even though I bought a nice (used) work table for it! I'd like to get the basement cleaned up (it's a mess from being abandoned for a couple years) and get my art shit together so I can work comfortably again.
Then, I am going to have a pop-up show coming up in early February to get ready for. I don't even know how much work I need to make yet, I'd better find out! I'll be doing a series of fantastical landscapes largely based on our cross-country trip.
I'd like to buy a nice, big sketchbook and start filling it up with experiments and just have fun making art again in 2019.
+ Blogging. I was much less active here as a blogger in 2018 than practically ever before. I want to change that in 2019 and would like to post at least twice a week, or for a total of at least 100 posts for the year.